Our Daughter Had A Ballet Try Out Today

[Turkish]

Her mom only told me last night. Her custody weekend. She called to ask about shoes. She said that D3 has been asking about this. Our daughter never indicated an interest to me. I get it. Maybe that's a mom-daughter thing. This is a free "tryout." Of course D3 is going to want to do it. I'll find out officially tomorrow when I see the kids. They're moving into a more expensive apartment this month. Do they/we need added expenses?

I'm not averse to activities for the kids, but ballet for a 3 year old? And it's every Saturday morning, which would obligate me every other weekend. I thinks its rude to not talk to me about this first. She probably knew what I was going to say. I might be open to it at 5 or 6, but 3?

I can't help but wonder if part of her issues in not being able to control the kids (such as they running down the aisles at restaurants, which she's said frustrates her) is in part not being able to say no to them.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Turkish,

3 years old is when girls customarily start ballet... .even though it sounds early. That's when my daughter started. She's now 15 and still at it but it has given her a focus in life. It also gives her a way to feed her soul when things are difficult in her life. It is a massive tie for parents, so I understand your reluctance though.

Love Lifewriter

[GaGrl]

Agree... .3 is the typical age to begin ballet.

Should she have discussed it with you? Yes.

[Nope]

Yes, she should have told you but she didn't. If she's prone to making you the bad guy (doesn't seem like she is) then she'd probably always remind D3 that she could have done ballet but daddy said no. If not, if you decide this isn't something you are comfortable with it isn't likely your three year old will remember to hold it against you when she's ten.

It does sound like a huge commitment of your time and possibly your money and that's something you need to think about. On the other hand, is there anything cuter than a little girl in a tutu?

I've been warned on these boards not to spend too much time driving myself crazy on my DH's ex's reasoning. That's because their reactions aren't typically well thought out plans of action so much as whims they act on based on feelings they don't understand.

[flourdust]

How big of a deal is this? My daughter did ballet at the local community center starting at age 4. It was for about half an hour every weekend, and it cost something like $60 for five weeks. We had to buy a leotard, pair of tights, and ballet slippers. That was about the extent of the commitment.

[Turkish]

How big of a deal is this? My daughter did ballet at the local community center starting at age 4. It was for about half an hour every weekend, and it cost something like $60 for five weeks. We had to buy a leotard, pair of tights, and ballet slippers. That was about the extent of the commitment.

It may be something like this. Starting so early, I didn't know. So I learned something, thanks.

[bravhart1]

As a former ballet teacher, I'm gonna chime in here

Three is an ok age to start, four is better if they have wiggle issues.

Bigger issue here isn't the ballet itself, it's "I don't manage your time with the kids and you don't manage mine". Now having said that, there will be dance lessons and music lessons and sports that will encroach on both parents time, this is to be expected. But BOTH parents should agree if they are both going to be paying for it. And both should be given the opprotunity to voice an opinion and come to a mutual parental decision before telling the child they are doing something.

This is a long and very slippery slope of stuff coming up. I think setting the standards now will not only serve you well going forward, but keep the kids from getting pulled into the middle.

Send a very BIFF email stating that now the kids are getting into outside activities there should be some ground rules or guidelines might be softer.

I think you can enlist cooperation if handled correctly. You might need a little lesson from Dream Girls' DH the BPDm whisperer. DG you out there?

[Want_an_End]

3 years old sounds okay to me.

I don't remember my parents [who were married] consulting each other on everything, unless it was serious. This doesn't sound to be too serious.

But, I understand that if she has BPD, you are on high alert over whether she is crossing boundaries.

[Concerns]

So what is the real issue for the class being at 3 rather than 5 or 6? Do you feel like an independent weekend that you have with her is being dictated by your-ex?

But realize also she is three, its a "free tryout", and she may not take to it. But we live our lives for our kids. Its just the way it is.

[scraps66]

This could be "idealization" in that mom thinks S3 will become the next great ballerina.  I get some of this, my S11 with behavioral issues, mom has tired hard to involve him in things, viola and gymnastics are the latest.  He is the least athletic kid so gymnastics is a real stretch.  Viola she has gotten him into, and has restricted my involvement by just having the lessons at her house.  She would not give me the contact info for the instructor.  So now I do have the contact info and my fear is that if I do get involved, ie. have lessons at my house, she'll do something to sabotage viola altogether.  Another no win situation.

Any activity that comes up is presented as, "S11 wants to try X," and ever time I hear this it translates for me, "Mom would like S11 to do X and mom has already talked to S11 about doing X."  With time S11 has become more parentified and enmeshed with mother and wants to do just about anything that she suggests.

So maybe ex is similar, not many little girls do ballet. 

[Turkish]

I never heard about how it went, and I haven't asked our daughter. There is going to be a lot of stress over there with their impending move (and having to put stuff in storage). I'm just going to sit over here in the corner and watch... .

[Turkish]

She called today while I was out of town dealing with my BPD mom's issues, so I was on edge anyway.

Sat morning, and this was the first I'd heard of this, D3 has another dance try-out at  She sent me an invite. At 10:30, S6 has a try-out too. "He really wants to do it." Neither kid mentioned a thing to me. She says that she told me about our son. I don't recall. I told her that it was rude of her to commit me on my weekends, especially without discussing it first. S5 was the new twist. She said that she sent me an email... .today. I replied that I wasn't at work today, but I'd check it in the morning. She back-peddled a little, telling me that she wouldn't officially sign them up unless I agreed, and that she'd try to find something in her time. She said that she'd be there Sat morning. I neutered myself and said I'd take them.  

[bravhart1]

I think you are doing ok Turkish. Pick your battles and all that. Putting your son in ballet is a new twist, he really wants to?

Most little boys who came to my studio were coerced by mom to do so and within weeks needed my help to explain to mom that they have no desire to be the next barishnikoff

Keep up your heroic efforts dad, we are all crushing on your man-dad-liness

[sweetheart]

Hi Turkish,

Just want to let you know my s7 been doing ballet since he 4 1/2, his choice, he does tap, modern and jazz as well. Doing very well indeed, who knew. I am soo not a dancer 

The issue here is not the dancing it's the lack of communication and the unilateral decision making about the children.

I understand your annoyance, I think you have handled it as always with grace and magnanimity.

[Turkish]

In my senior year of high school, I saw tap-dancers on Donahue. I thought it was really cool. And so was Gregory Hines Josephus!

":)addy, let's watch Transformers Prime!" No buddy, you know our favorite family move is White Knights "But we watched it yesterday!" Son, you know that we watch it every night.

[Turkish]

I took the kids to S6's school last night since the PTA was showing Inside Out. They were due, but I skipped baths last night to get them to bed. D3 s easy, S6 is hard to get going in the morning, but it's getting better. Their mom, who had D3's shoes, was over half an hour late. The bathroom in the apartment upstairs leaked into the kids' bathroom at their place and she and SD were up late. I got to bed at 2am and managed to get the kids and my elderly mom out the door, munching on Eggo waffles.

When my Ex got there, she criticized me fir a little stain on his rain jacket, and on his sleeves. Also for a few crumbs around his mouth. I felt like JADEing, but let it go. I understood then why the rest of the parents had been staring at us disapprovingly. The studio was in the rich part of town, and I thought it was because i drove up in a Mazda rather than a Mercedes. No, wait... .the didn't happen. You had to get within a foot of our son to notice anything.

So he tried out the ballet class. 8 girls and two boys. I noticed that he was really slow when they got to the end and the tap portion. The kids get two free lessons. The next one is on a weeknight, which is all tap. I'm going to encourage this one. It's over $700 for 40 weeks, 1 lesson/week. We'll split the cost. She's adamant, and would FOG me into picking up the kids on my time. I could say no, but what does it hurt, and also pick the more important battles.

She's Mexican, and we live kind of in the 'hood. I hope she can handle his machismo uncle (her older brother) who may make jokes about ballet. This is also one reason why I'll encourage tap.

[livednlearned]

Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is a classically trained ballet dancer:

Dance has long been a part of Emanuel’s life. After turning down the Joffrey scholarship, he studied dance at Sarah Lawrence College. But that wasn’t the end of it. He continued taking ballet classes while working in Chicago, after his marriage and the birth of his first child, even after entering politics and serving in the Clinton White House as a senior aide. He would steal time at the ballet barre on Saturdays, taking private lessons.

[Turkish]

Ex IDF Rahm would likely have no problem dealing with our "East Side" cholos. 

Transitioning S6 into the Latin dances later would actually be beneficial, given our culture here.

I took lessons for a while, but my Ex would get angry if I made even a small mistake, so I quit out of disgust (she wasn't a good dancer, so the pressure was on me). Our son can start equally with his peers.

[Turkish]

Last week, she asked me if I was going to go to D3's first class after the two free try-outs. She wanted to go to a dance supply store afterwards to get D5's tap shoes. I said that I wasn't going to make it (I actually took the opportunity to get more than 5-6 hrs of sleep).  She didn't  get the shoes. I don't know why.

Sunday after church, she asked if we could go. It was her cstody weekend. I acquiesced. On my way home, she asked me for the address. I told her that I had texted her an image f the business card which had the address. She said, "yeah, but you didn't give me the card." Grrr. I looked back at the text string, memorized the address, then texted it to her. 

We got the shoes, and also a leotard for D3. I wrote a check to her for my half of the lessons and clothes. The kids are a bit rambunctious. Their step-dad came also. S5 was jumping on a stool, goading D3. SD was calmly talking to them. I walked by after I had gone into the back and rehung some pants, pointed at S5 and said, "NO! You know better." He stopped jumping.

Homewrecker aside, it drives me nuts that she doesn't let him have more authority over the kids, because they need a stronger voice sometimes. She still tells me stories how the kids basically walk all over her or she can't control them.

Her husband asked me, "so you decided on ballet, huh?" I told him that this was her idea. That tells me that they may not communicate as a married couple should, IMO, imagining myself as a SD. Not mine to fix.

I take our daughter this weekend, dressing her up in a leotard for the first time; our son on Wednesday. Who knows? He might inspire me to get my own tap shoes and as he progresses, teach me some things. I wonder if they have Lord of the Dance on Netflix... .

[Moselle]

Turkish, I can empathise with this.

My wife's excuse for taking my Children to a different city for Christmas and new year after asking me to.take them... .was "I thought you would say No, so I didn't ask you".

I think they make a black or white decision and just do it. Co-operation is not high on the BPD agenda.

My wife also wants hundreds of extracurricular activities for the children. Hockey, swimming, dancing, horse riding, anything they want. I honestly think it it to keep the activity frenetic, so she doesn't have to think. With three children it ties up my weekends too.

I love to get away with my kids. Give them time to get away from the BPD.