Haven't been here in forever, but my login still works.

[Modron]

My spouse of almost two years has some BPD characteristics. After being raised by a BPD mom, I'm surprised I missed them. Or, maybe, I overlooked them. I was in my 50s when I got married. I had established a pretty solid foundation for myself - plans to have all my debt paid off, etc. by the time I retire. I was set, so at ease. Now, everything I've worked for is compromised by the huge debt she brought into the marriage without being honest with me about it. Actually, I think her BPD characteristics made her not even aware of her circumstances. So, I thought I'd return to BPD family to lick my wounds and look at what others are experiencing to help me decide how to move forward. I don't believe the marriage can be saved, because I don't believe that someone who is so un-self-aware can consent to the contract. And, I also believe that puts a lot of responsibilty on me to make sure we're both taken care of when we part. So, for now we're together, and I have to do the right thing. ... .I suppose being here makes me feel like I'm not alone.

-mod

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Is she in therapy? Is there a possibility that these issues could be raised in couples therapy, and that might keep her on task? Are you able to talk about the finances with your wife?

BPDh and I really don't argue about money, but we are polar opposites in that regard. I'd like to be on a budget, I don't like debt, and I'm thrifty. BPDh is paycheck to paycheck, doesn't want to set a budget, and has been in debt all his life. He makes good money, but has zero to show for it. I refuse to fight about it.

You seem like the money issue is the biggest issue? For me, the emotional, his anger, and the moods, and dysregs are hardest to live with, and I'm really glad he's back in DBT. Now, if I had an emotionally healthy(no PD) husband, I'd probably make an issue of the finances, because it should be worked on or dealt with, but I feel we have much bigger fish to fry.

We are starting back in marriage therapy tonight, actually. It's not gone great in the past, as he's a blamer, and only wants me to compromise, change and do all the work. Which is ironic, as he's the one with BPD/NPD, and I'm not diagnosed with anything. I DO work my issues though: OCD, and some anxiety due to all this. I'm in individual therapy, for me. I'm hopeful, but my hopes aren't too high about getting back in marriage therapy, as BPDh has a history of trying to triangulate therapists, and just wants to play he said/she said. I'm not getting sucked into that this time.

[Modron]

Hi Ceruleanblue. I think we're avoiding therapy. She knows I'm really unhappy and she's pretty dependent on me so it makes her afraid. I don't want either of us to be afraid or unhappy, I just know I don't want to keep doing what we're doing, and, in all fairness, neither does she. I think we believe therapy will break us up. It's weird.

I know I don't want to keep doing the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" saying all the right things to redirect the emotional blackmail - all that stuff that makes us not be equals in our relationship, but mKes me the rational one and the adult and makes her the petulant child. A couple of days ago she was doing the emotional blackmail and I told her I'm done with the fear and guilt she was going to have to communicate differently. She was stunned. Now her comeback is that she feels like she can't even be herself, because she's expected to think about the things she says before she says them. Well, duh. Don't we all?

Anyway, she isn't stomping through the house screaming, crying, and packing her bag this round. I think she's afraid I won't stop her this time. And, honestly, I don't know if I would or wouldn't. I'm just tired of being supply. I hate the shallowness and disrespect of it. I hate that it makes us so unequal in our relationship. I really hate that I'm the one who has to be the problem solver. Getting married later in life was an opportunity for sharing and companionship, but I feel alone.

Actuality,  I wish, now, that I'd been more mindful of the time I had to myself. It offered endless opportunity I didn't really make the most of.