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Author Topic: I left my 15mo son and uBPDw at home - last straw  (Read 462 times)
walbsy7
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« on: January 24, 2016, 11:25:22 PM »

I just packed a bag and left.

I left my 15mo son and uBPDw at home. It is 11pm on Sunday. I got work tomorrow morning, and my last straw has been drawn in this roller coaster.

Had a rough morning yesterday. Same as every morning. She let me sleep in a little. I woke up, opened the curtains in the room, made the bed. The curtains were uneven in her eyes, bed was not quite right because the one pillow had a wrinkle in the top. That means the whole thing was messed up and she ripped it apart to redo it.

Great start to the weekend again.

I have told her I am not talking about any of the problems we have anymore unless it is with a Therapist. She says I have ruined that based on past experiences... .but then again, what havent I ruined, right? She has a right to tell my family and her family how bad I am, how much crap I have done, how effed up I am. I am narcissistic, egotistical, never own up to anything, never want to change. In reality, I have made it very clear at how sorry I am for the things I have done. It has finally come full circle, that no matter how hard I try, I will always be wrong. She will always find something wrong with me, or something I do. I can spend 4 straight hours playing with the kid, put him down for 10 minutes to go to the bathroom, and she will tell me I am a deadbeat dad and never play with him... .

What a joke.

She can call my family and tell me how bad I am, but I can not call hers to tell them that I am committed to her. If I call them she thinks I am trying to make myself look like an angel.

I needed help from my therapist right before thanksgiving. She works in a school as a therapist as her other job. I texted her and asked her to call me when she has a chance. She texted me a couple times to tell me what I was doing was correct (as I was being harassed by her at work and she was harassing my work as well). I said thanks and see you on Sunday at our appointment. She said okay happy thanksgiving. I said happy thanksgiving back. << <---------That is cheating to her. OMFG.

And finally, I am tired of the little comments. Randomly on  a tv show something comes up, "you would never do that for me". I get out of the shower, I am so unhappy. 2 minutes later I am changing, "you just dont get it". 20 minutes later feeding our son "Laura is on my side, my mom even see's it. your old work said you had an ego". 2 minutes later, "exhadurated crying". This stuff goes on for hours on end. Carries into the night. She will say come watch a movie with me randomly like everything's fine. Well things are not fine to me, so I tell her. I can not say more than 4 words until I am cut off. It is so frustrating. That is why I need a therapist in the room so we can talk. She tells me I have the communication problems because I say something and it comes across as something else to her. Well maybe I am tired of getting cut off and when I get a free second I need to spit my words out as fast as possible and it doesnt come out 100% correct. Things would be so easy if she would listen. I can not even say that to her. I get cut off. Crazy.

My last straw has been broken. I have not been a man of my word and I have faultered in keeping it with her. The truth is I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. The other truth is I can not do this anymore. I tell her that she is my soulmate, then I tell her that we need to get help or I will leave. This only feeds to her "sickness", but I can not help it.

There is so much more, but I have vented enough. I finally left. Of course she has a comment to say about that, "You are a terrible father, always leaving. Just like your alcoholic dad"

I continuted to leave... .she I hope you die as I closed the door.

Thanks girl. Love you too.

At least nothing got broken this time, and I was not physically attacked. Thats a win.
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ladylee
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2016, 02:19:36 AM »

I feel so sad for you the frustration you must be feeling and to be separated now from your child. Maybe in a few days things will calm down and a plan to try to find a better way to communicate respectfully can be made, before finality is decided. Learn as much as you can from this site. It's not fun to be in the midst of these rages and the perfection  and judgement that gets played out. We are human, we make mistakes, but love is supposed to let us grow and make corrections.  The mentally ill and even ourselves with low self esteem from living with painful situations forget how to be happy, to smile and laugh at our own imperfections. If we weren't doing things for them all the time, they couldn't criticize us could they?
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sweetheart
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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2016, 05:41:21 AM »

Hi walbsy7,

I'm sorry, sounds like yesterday was a really tough day. Things have been difficult for a while now, is that right?

There's a lot going on in your post that we can help you with, help you improve, most important of all is helping you feel less overwhelmed and finding ways to disengage sooner before the dysregulation makes you feel like you are left with no other options but to pack and leave.

What can we help you with today in the short-term that will support you the most? Remember your focus is you, we're here to support you. Let us know how you are.


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walbsy7
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« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2016, 07:36:40 AM »

Hi walbsy7,

I'm sorry, sounds like yesterday was a really tough day. Things have been difficult for a while now, is that right?

There's a lot going on in your post that we can help you with, help you improve, most important of all is helping you feel less overwhelmed and finding ways to disengage sooner before the dysregulation makes you feel like you are left with no other options but to pack and leave.

What can we help you with today in the short-term that will support you the most? Remember your focus is you, we're here to support you. Let us know how you are.

I dont know what I need help with. I have been smeared so bad numerous times to anyone I know. It is always her perceptions of the reality. I have witnessed her blatently lie about something that I did to get people on her side numerous times. I have called her out on it before at a family event and she said "well that part was not true... ". She has lied numerous times about things I have done over the phone as well to my family, her friends, etc. She says all these things that she wants me to do, how to act, etc. If she ever paused for 20 seconds and let me talk, she would realize that I do care and am trying to do those things.

She calls me stubborn, which I am. But I am more stubborn about things that I know are a fact or something. I am not just stubborn because I "cant be wrong". It is more being confident than anything i guess, and I admit when I am wrong all the time.

I dont know, I am fed up with it. It is the dog chasing its tail. Does he ever actually catch it? Yes... .sometimes he does... .but usually he just goes round and round forever and always fails.

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sweetheart
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2016, 08:13:06 AM »

Walbsy7 stop and have a 

Tell me what's going on today, what are your short-term plans, where are you staying?

I haven't had a chance to read your back story, I will, but for now, if you still decide you want to stay and improve your relationship then there are some things you can put in place today to improve things for you. If you get time have a look at this link,https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

when I first came to this site in crisis it was the single simplest change I made, because everything I said triggered my husband, and because I was stressed and constantly trying to fix things I just kept talking and talking and talking and I was inadvertently making it worse. Not JADEing allowed me respite, time to catch my breath, think, take time out when my h was dysregulating. I stayed with this skill for a long time before I branched out to others, it really can help.

Does your w have a P or a T, do you? How is your w at managing to care for your child, does she have support?

Keep posting and let us know what's happening.
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walbsy7
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2016, 08:54:22 AM »

Walbsy7 stop and have a 

Tell me what's going on today, what are your short-term plans, where are you staying?

I haven't had a chance to read your back story, I will, but for now, if you still decide you want to stay and improve your relationship then there are some things you can put in place today to improve things for you. If you get time have a look at this link,https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

when I first came to this site in crisis it was the single simplest change I made, because everything I said triggered my husband, and because I was stressed and constantly trying to fix things I just kept talking and talking and talking and I was inadvertently making it worse. Not JADEing allowed me respite, time to catch my breath, think, take time out when my h was dysregulating. I stayed with this skill for a long time before I branched out to others, it really can help.

Does your w have a P or a T, do you? How is your w at managing to care for your child, does she have support?

Keep posting and let us know what's happening.

I have read that article before, it does not really work with my wife. Timeouts do not work. She does not accept it. I have to remove myself from the situation, aka go in a car and drive away, otherwise she will follow/harrass me until she gets what she wants. When I leave, she cites me for abandoning her and me saying I would never leave. I tell her it is my boundaries and leave it at that. To her, she thinks boundaries against her are me thinking she is a child. Ugh... .never ends.

My plans today... .I am at work, hopefully I have a productive day today. Where am I staying? I slept in a 2dr ford ranger last night for about 2 hours, and froze my behind off for the other 3 hours. I may shack up in a cheap hotel tonight, it is hard though because my family lives paycheck to paycheck sort of thing. It doesnt have to be like that necessarily, I make good money, but her wants and needs are sometimes lumped into 1 category. Her needs are also rather expensive, so... .yeah... .it sucks. She stays at home with the kid, and I went food shopping and all that this weekend so she is set for awhile. I do not have any plans. I want to go home, but I need to end this thing. (not necessarily the relationship). Something needs to stop/get fixed. She is 100% sure it is 100% my fault, so time will tell what will happen. Right now I am hoping she does not harass my work with 250 phone calls today.

I read this article this morning... .it certainly makes me feel like a fool... .huh?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

My life/well being is completely and utterly broken right now because of her, and has been for some time now. Why do I love her... .still? Is it worth it? I have known her for 3 years... .so much has happened in that time. That article tells me to leave. Why do people stay?
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walbsy7
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2016, 11:07:27 AM »

Also... .We have seen a couples therapist for a few sessions then we moved across country, so that ended. We each saw a separate therapist but in the same practice, and then she left and I got fired by my therapist because of the detailed drama she brings to the table. She refuses to see another one, I am begging for it.

She thinks that when we go, I paint pretty pictures and make her look bad. That is not true at all, I speak in the language of reality and true facts, and that does include me accepting my faults and errors in the past (at least to me I think so). My therapist also said I own my garbage, until she told me we can no longer meet anymore after my wife harassed the practice stating how unprofessional they were (and other things)

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sweetheart
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« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2016, 12:00:01 PM »

So your boundary is that you will leave the house if your w does not stop being verbally abusive. That is a good boundary. There is no need to worry about what your w thinks about your actions, just that it protects you from further conflict.

JADE will work, all JADE does is stop your part in the conflict, by you not participating in any dysregulated arguments or discussion. It helps you disengage.

If you decide to go home tonight then be prepared to enforce your boundary again, but maybe stay somewhere warm, or just go out for a while, drive around, then go back home. Giving your w time to calm herself down. Do you have family or friends locally?

What is it you need to finish?

It sounds like you have left before, what usually happens when you return home?

The situation regarding your own T indicates that for you arranging to see a T needs to be done privately and confidentially. It is not necessary to discuss your T arrangements with your w, I do not discuss this part of my life with my h. Finding a T that understands BPD will be v important, is there anyone you know who you could see, could your old T recomend someone?

Walbsy7 your situation sounds overwhelming for you and dealing with non-stop dysregulation can be exhausting. The lessons will work, but they take time and they are primarily there to protect you and improve how you deal with things. You have made a start.

I can hear that you love your wife and don't want to leave your family, so let us know how things go this evening. Just take small steps, your goal is to reduce conflict.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2016, 12:08:00 PM »

I agree with the suggestion to see a T confidentially.

In addition, if possible, seeing a male T may help. Just the idea that you are speaking confidentially to a woman could be triggering to your W. The T would inevitably need to contact you at some point. A message from "Bill Smith" would be less likely to lead to issues than one from "Sally Smith".

Seeing a T is not cheating but it might be easier in your situation to see a male T
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walbsy7
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« Reply #9 on: January 25, 2016, 12:23:36 PM »

I agree NotWendy, a male therapist would probably be better. I just tried to find somebody who was close to me and understood disorders and things.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Sweetheart... .

Yes I have left, sometimes for the night and came back, sometimes for a few hours. When I arrive back home, things are calm for an hour. Then she talks to me calmly about how bad I am and stuff. I still can never get words in the conversation and I get frustrated. It is a cycle, sometimes she drops it until another time, or sometimes she reacts poorly.

So the latest development is my wife and son got a plane flight from her aunt and are going to NY for a week. (we live in Chicago.) It is stressful because my credit cards are nearly maxed out (including hers), so hopefully she has enough money to do whatever she needs to. I guarantee you this is spur of the moment and not thought out properly.

I am not sure how I feel about it. I am relieved that things will be relatively calm for a few days. I will miss them terribly. She called me to tell me I need to do soul searching on myself. When she is in NY, she will paint herself as an angel. I think I need to just get out honestly. I think I probably need to cut my losses where they are. She has destroyed everything... like literally. 98% of my relationships, anything that I considered "nice" or that I valued is broken... .my financial credit, my reputation. I am spread thin, but still floating.

Funny thing is, if she happens to decide that she is the one with the problem, I would take her back no questions asked. I can forgive like nobodys business (part of my fault). I would help her through anything she needs. She does not see that. She just tells me she wishes she had someone else who found her sexy and whatever, bla bla bla.

I also have high reservations that she is not leaving. Would not be the first time I had been lied to. (it is okay for her to lie and do things like that, but if I change my mind about something, that is a huge no-no).
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sweetheart
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« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2016, 01:25:41 PM »

Time apart will hopefully allow things to calm down.

You get some time to collect yourself and your thoughts and maybe make some plans that start putting support in place for you.

How can we help you move forward, where would it help you to focus most ?

I realise everything must feel up in the air at the moment with your w going away suddenly, but this gives you a chance to just stop and rest up. I can hear that things seem hopeless to you and that's difficult. 

I am aware in your posts that a lot of your focus is on wanting your wife to change, get treatment, get better. This is understandable, however in starting to improve your relationship we need to bring the focus back yo you because this is where change can start.

It is ok to have your doubts and feel like this can never be sorted, this board is here to help you if you want to sort through those thoughts and put strategies in place to improve the quality of your life.

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walbsy7
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« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2016, 02:39:13 PM »

Sweetheart,

Yes, I think that it his her that has to change. I will be blunt and up front about it. Forgiveness is not in her vocab. She has been spurned to many times and she claims to be this changed person and will let nobody treat her bad or walk all over her like they have in the past. Her feelings will not be suppressed (and they shouldnt be), however she now rules her life with an iron fist, specifically with me.

I admit I have several things I need to change. I am not the best communicator. I am a people pleaser. I do not like confrontation. I am very cool, calm and collected, and that comes across as cocky or egotistical. I am an introvert (nothing wrong with that). I am also stubborn. I want to love her so much but I can not flip a switch like she can at times and act like everything is normal.

You have asked that question twice... ."what can we do for you". The answer is "I really do not know". I need to get my head in a better place. I need to put my feelings down on paper in a log of some sort. Track things she has said that I do not like. My feelings. Timeframe dates, etc. Things she has done to me. Things I have done to her that I am not fond of. I think that will go a long way for me clearing my head. I do not have the best memory and tend to shut down in confrontation, and if asked to tell stories it will take me awhile to come up with them because I have burried them (or maybe it is my bad memory), but anyway, I think that would be helpful in whatever direction my relationship goes with her.

Random thought, yesterday I was thinking on installing a hidden camera in our apartment to "keep an eye" on our conversations/arguments. Sounds like a terrible idea, but god for bid something goes to court or something, I would have backup of some sort. She will lie on a bible and deface me. I think it would also "force" me to act better. (not that I act bad, but after 3 hours of nonsense arguing and never being able to say my thoughts/feelings, I can blow up and yell back to get her to stop. Think it is a good idea? Maybe just a tape recorder?   
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Concerns
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2016, 06:49:13 AM »

As a father, if my wife were in such a state, I would not leave my child with her. He is the only other human around her. What happens to him when she dysregulates for spitting up his baby food? I would take care of him first. If you decided to leave then he should come too. You said you left and
Excerpt
At least nothing got broken this time, and I was not physically attacked. Thats a win.

I would remove him from a situation that holds behavioral possibilities like the one you describe. Your custody, double-check with a lawyer, may be in jeopardy if you knowingly left him in a volatile situation like this. Understanding that you need to work on yourself is a great realization. However, the focus should always be on the son. He is just a baby but if you have determined the environment is bad for you then,IMO, its bad for him as well. You need to be creating a stable life for the both of you. He should be your priority.
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