Should I be worried about his violent dreams?

[empath]

I was talking with uBPDh yesterday and he revealed that he had had some dreams in which he was violent toward others, one of these dreams was shooting our youngest daughter and watching her die. He was very disturbed by the dreams and wanted to hold me, but I wasn't available to do that. He has a history of physical violence, although not as severe as these dreams were. Should I be worried about the dreams being acted on?

We are going through a very stressful time in our marriage.

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[Cloudy Days]

My husband has violent dreams, usually he is fighting for his life or my life along those lines. He's actually punched the bed several times in his sleep and I just try to get out of the way. He's always struggled with terrible nightmares as long as I have known him. I actually think this is a BPD thing because I've asked about it on here and a lot of them seem to have some pretty severe nightmares. It could be his subconscious worried about hurting his daughter in another way.

[walbsy7]

My uBPDw has dreams (or nightmares actually) quite often. It is usually with me cheating on her or something, not sticking up to her during an arguement or something, who knows. Sometimes it carries over in real life, when she is mad at me the next morning. 

I wonder that some of her made-up stories of things she thinks have actually happened come from her dreams. It is baffling to me.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has the nightmares about me cheating on him too. Usually I am with someone and running away from him and he keeps trying to find me. To me it says more about his insecurities than anything.

[sweetheart]

Hi empath, I'm not surprised your h was disturbed by these dreams, they are disturbing and upsetting. I can understand why you found it hard to comfort him.

My dBPDh went through a few years of having very vivid violent nightmares, he has a past history of violent offending when psychotic. He was v v unwell mentally at the time, his illness was probably at it's most unstable, so it is possible that these dreams were triggered by his increasing risk related behaviours. They were also taken very seriously by his P. No aspect of these dreams ever spilled literally over into his day to day life, but his behaviours over this time became very antisocial. The dreams upset him terribly, he found it hard to shake them off, believing for a while they were portents of doom. As his mental state stabilised so to did the violent dreams. He has not had dreams this last year. He is currently stable.

What sort of relationship does your h have with your d, ( how old is she ) has there been any obvious difficulties there of late?

How is your h day to day empath, how is his emotional stability, is he under increased stresses at the moment, has anything changed?

[ColdEthyl]

My husband has violent dreams, as well. Usually they are frustration dreams... .trying to catch someone and can't, trying to beat someone and they won't stop coming, etc.

I think it's more about what emotions he's dealing with at the time.

[empath]

What sort of relationship does your h have with your d, ( how old is she ) has there been any obvious difficulties there of late?

How is your h day to day empath, how is his emotional stability, is he under increased stresses at the moment, has anything changed?

Our daughter is 11, and she has been asking him about his 'anger management' issues. It is related to an incident about 3 years ago where he tried to strangle her. The on going issues are that she is making his laptop keyboard sticky when she uses it to play a game. I was talking to her yesterday morning about a verbal exchange that he had with her the night before, and she said she felt 'awkward' during it. I witnessed it

As far as his emotional stability right now, he is very stressed due to the relational tension between he and I that are not resolved yet. Around a year ago, his abuse became physical in nature -- there were many different stressors at that time. So for the past year, I have been working on getting myself healthier and doing the things that I need to do that are in alignment with my own core values. Some of that has included talking with others about what is going on in my life and moving toward employment outside the home on a regular basis. Both of these cause him great anxiety and trigger his fears of people knowing what he is like and abandonment fears. I've also recently moved to sleeping separately from him -- I didn't want to feel like I was his 'transitional object' and needed space. He described missing his 'security blanket' (me).

He is (and has been for a while) experiencing increased physical effects of stress -- he has increased his antidepressant and has been having chest pains that are most likely stress induced. He also has recently engaged in some self-medicating behaviors that had been off the table for a long time.

[sweetheart]

Empath what I want you to be is aware, aware that it is possible that your h's dreams are warning indicators that he is coping even less well emotionally at the moment than he is able to express verbally.

The reason I am suggesting this to you is because he is also exhibiting other symptoms of increased stress, chest pains and has returned to old dysfunctional patterns of self-medicating because again he is not coping.

It is really positive that you are aware of these things.

What I want you to think about is ensuring that you have a Safety Plan in place to safeguard you and your family given that there has been a history of violent behaviour toward you and your daughter?

You said your h is on antidepressants, does that mean he sees a P, as you say he has just increased them?

[Turkish]

I was talking with uBPDh yesterday and he revealed that he had had some dreams in which he was violent toward others, one of these dreams was shooting our youngest daughter and watching her die.

That would be alarming to me if my child's parent said something like that.

It could be deep-seated anger issues that he's suppressed, his subconscious trying to cope. It could also be a fear of loss. Just speculating here. However, The past DV is certainly an issue, but things sound somewhat stable (or not as severe) as they were, or do you feel that you and D11 may be in danger right now? Have you reached out to anyone for help, even anonymously, in the past?

[empath]

You said your h is on antidepressants, does that mean he sees a P, as you say he has just increased them?

Yes, he has a psychologist that he has been seeing (for the marital issues) and who diagnosed the major depressive disorder and worked with his primary care physician to get the antidepressant. The increase in AD is an added supplement of SJW, but I'm not sure whether he consulted his healthcare team about adding it. I'm not able to talk with his therapist because my husband has not given his consent; that came out in one of our discussions about his appointment.

I've been working on the Safety Plan this past year, too. Last year, I recognized the signs of an impending physical incident a bit before things became critical, but I didn't have anything in place and other factors prevented me from taking action. I have a support system in place that I can use if things seem to be heading that way again; it was part of accepting the reality that the boundary had been crossed and could be worse in the future.

He can generally tell me when he is feeling stressed and anxious; I can tell from his behavior as well. What he tells other people is a different story, though, and what he really wants to be true is very different.

However, The past DV is certainly an issue, but things sound somewhat stable (or not as severe) as they were, or do you feel that you and D11 may be in danger right now? Have you reached out to anyone for help, even anonymously, in the past?

They aren't as severe as they were last year, and I don't sense immediate danger right now. I have accessed community resources in the past, and currently have a counselor through the local DV agency that I meet with regularly. I also have a group of friends who know about the abuse.

[Turkish]

It's good that you are staying connected with people who can help.

The sticky keyboard... .is that a trigger that is easily fixable, or is this his imagination?

[sweetheart]

Hi empath

"Yes, he has a psychologist that he has been seeing (for the marital issues) and who diagnosed the major depressive disorder and worked with his primary care physician to get the antidepressant. The increase in AD is an added supplement of SJW, but I'm not sure whether he consulted his healthcare team about adding it. I'm not able to talk with his therapist because my husband has not given his consent; that came out in one of our discussions about his appointment."

Just some things you might want to consider about talking to his psychologist and/or healthcare team. Here is a link that tells you about sharing information where there are mental health concerns and/or retrospective risks involving children www.hhs.gov/hipaa/for-professionals/special-topics/mental-health/index.html

When my husband was unwell,(I'm in the UK but third party sharing around mental health issues are similar) I contacted his health team and P and made them aware of changes in his behaviour or concerns I had around things he did that I felt they would not know. He never knew I did this.

He can generally tell me when he is feeling stressed and anxious; I can tell from his behavior as well. What he tells other people is a different story, though, and what he really wants to be true is very different.



This is really good that he can tell you, remember though he might not feel able to tell you everything because of what has happened in the past. He might feel worried and ashamed and this could prevent him from opening up. If he is suppressing angry feelings like Turkish said that could be why the dreams are occurring.

I have accessed community resources in the past, and currently have a counselor through the local DV agency that I meet with regularly. I also have a group of friends who know about the abuse.

I am really reassured to hear that you have a Safety Plan, support from friends plus contact with your local DV agency.

Does your d have support for what happened to her?

[empath]

That was great information about sharing information with his psychologist, thank you. From what he described about their last appointment, it sounded to me like she was trying to get permission to talk with me in a roundabout way that wouldn't clue him into something being amiss and risking him leaving her care.

Besides being stressed and anxious (and sad), he is typically angry about a great many things in life. These are all things that he tells me on a regular basis. He regularly suppresses his anger, but sometimes it can come out in inappropriate ways. Shame is also one of his basic feelings. It's interesting that he has described the difference that the AD has made in terms of allowing him to feel things earlier and having more time to choose how to act on those feelings. But he still has problems controlling his impulses to do things that he knows are not right.

As far as my d, I've talked with her about it on several occasions, and she has talked to her friends. I've also brought up the idea that she could talk with a counselor about her experiences, but I kind of left option open to her and her older sister (D19). The agency that I'm connected to has counselors who specialize in children who have experienced violence and abuse.

As far as the keyboard issue, it is more his imagination than anything that is really a problem. Wiping it off seems to fix things easily enough.