Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:03:36 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I am so tired of hearing how "wonderful" my BPD husband is and how "lucky" I am  (Read 493 times)
Daisy23

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 40


« on: January 25, 2016, 06:18:34 PM »

I just recognized a year ago that my husband suffers from BPD - maybe some narc. on the side. Married for 25 years.

All those years I remember people telling me how great my husband is -  "a miracle," "fascinating," "knows so much," - "You are so lucky." It always felt a bit weird because, really, who talks that way? A compliment is one thing but people would almost rave to me about him. Since I saw the light and understand that this is part of his disorder I get so upset inside whenever people say these things to me about him. (It just happened a few days ago when  he got credit for work I did.) Sure, I have worse problems but I am so tired of how he fools people and manipulates them. These people are my friends too - many are closer to me and I wish I could tell them how unlucky I feel.

I'm sure some of you relate. Any insight would be wonderful.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

leggomyeggshell
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 67


« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2016, 07:09:29 PM »

Hello Daisy,

There are different types of BPD people and I think there is also a gender difference between different ones.  I have not had this exact experience with my wife, but she did have this experience with her ex, where he was constantly manipulating the situation in their relationship but then she would hear from almost everyone how nice of a guy he was, almost like you said in a surreal way, like who talks like that?  It turned out he has severe antisocial personality disorder which is also on the same axis as BPD and npd, but far worse in my opinion.  However in your situation, maybe it is the fact that he has been going to therapy (I read your response to my post - thank you) and has dealt with some of his issues that makes him come off to others as amazing... .  Also, I hate to say it but as you probably know, men tend to get more favorable treatment, at least in certain geographical areas of the US.  There are a lot of older ladies who go absolutely ducky over a man who is seemingly normal - because some people were raised believing men are somehow superior...   Not sure if this is going on in your marriage but I thought I would raise these issues.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2016, 06:49:20 AM »

I think the best explanation for this is that BPD is a disorder of attachment and affects the most intimate relationships, so it is easy to be at their best with people who they are not as close to as their partners, for they are less vulnerable and not so easily triggered.

I think this persona is developed young, in a home where children are shamed for making mistakes. A child who spills juice and hears " It's OK honey, let's wipe this up" will feel differently than a child who hears" You clumsy idiot! Can't you do anything right?".  This child may decide that showing anything but a perfect exterior is a sign of weakness.

It's really hard not to resent a partner showing everyone else their wonderful side while being subjected to the disordered behavior. I think that they generally fear that if their partners knew who they really are ( human, like we all are) they would be rejected. Because of that, they are generally guarded until they are triggered.

My own goal was to reduce the conflict in my relationship while working on my part of that. We choose our partners for a reason. Chances, are, we were attracted to that wonderful side, but as you say, nobody is that perfect. First, I don't think we should accept any abusive behavior, but beyond that, becoming less reactive to their moods, what they say, may help them feel more relaxed as well as help us reduce conflict. This is not the same as appeasing or WOE, but it is in part, not taking this behavior personally. It isn't our issue, but we can work on our own.

Logged
empath
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 848


« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2016, 10:13:01 AM »

My husband comes off really well to others, too. They say, 'he is so smart' and 'such an asset'. At least at first, before they start to see the patterns of behavior between us. He is good as long as he is in control or in charge and doesn't have to worry too much about other people for extended periods of time; when he isn't, it's really hard for him to know what to do. He is very careful to put on a good image, even when he is dying inside. His FOO trained him well in how to do it. He has taken my work and presented it as his own -- when I brought it up, he thought it was just wrong for me to be upset about it. "It shouldn't matter who gets the credit," he said, because we are married. I used to help him with some of his speeches, but I've stopped doing that because I realized that I was not responsible for those. I was rescuing him, and I chose not to do that anymore.

He doesn't have any other friendships really with people other than me, and he is very uncomfortable with me having my relationships because I might say something that would reflect negatively on him. A few years ago, we were in a very bad spot, and the people who knew me asked about things. I told them, and my husband blew up about it. I was able to say that it is important to have people who know me. Part of those relationships is being honest about who I am and what I am feeling.

It feels invalidating when people don't see what is happening, and you know what the truth is. I had to come to a place where I wasn't willing to prop him up anymore and let things fall where they may. It was hard because he thinks I should put up an image, but I needed to validate myself and have integrity at that point. I had disappeared.
Logged
Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2016, 01:23:05 PM »

Yes, I've dealt with this too. I love to cook, and so does BPDh. I'd cook something for one of his family get togethers, and he'd take the credit for it. I never understood why he'd do that, as I'd never do that. When he made something, I made sure to tell everyone, because I'd be proud of him. I expressed how this bothered me, and after a while, he's stopped doing it. At first, he did it in such a way that it was embarrassing to me, because he'd make a big announcement, and I think he did that to embarrass me, and make a statement of "look, I'm not taking credit". I think he did it in a snarky way, because he felt controlled by my asking him to stop taking credit for things I did.

He no longer does that, and now it's just a casual mention, if someone says "this is so good, who made this?". I'm unsure why this was ever an issue, but I'm glad it no longer is an issue because it used to really annoy me.

BPDh will ask for my help with his writing for work, and I'm glad to help, and all the credit I need from him is his thanks. I like to have things we do as a joint effort, as there are not very many of those. I used to love to cook with him, but he's so critical of me, and makes so many "suggestions", like his way is better, I stopped enjoying that too. I still ask him to chop/dice for me, as he is much better at it than me. I could do it as good as he does, but I'm rather impatient, and he enjoys doing it. We all have our shortcomings, and things we do better, but it just felt like I couldn't "live up" to his expectations in the kitchen. I guess I felt he made it into a competition, and I am not competitive that way, so my enjoyment of it went out the window.

I think someone stealing your thunder, credit wise, is something you can have a boundary around. If I'd just kept quiet about it, and not expressed how it bothered me, it likely would have continued to happen. In fact, I think we may have even addressed it in couples therapy, and that is why he started giving me the credit when I'd actually done the work.

And yes, I still run into people who think he's the best, and would never do some of the things he does. With enough exposure though, he usually outs himself. In fact, his family has lately expressed confusion over some on his behaviors and the way he deals(or won't deal) with things. I think so many things have happened in the last five years with him, that he can no longer hide all of it... .
Logged
TheRealJongoBong
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 267



« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2016, 01:33:49 PM »

It sort of makes me want to hurl. My wife in her circles is known as a very kind spiritual woman with excellent insight. With me she is often rageful, is top notch in the gaslighting department, and frequently accuses me of horrible things I would never think of doing. I just have to bite my tongue when we're around the spiritual set, and practice my nodding and smiling.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2016, 05:39:38 PM »

Yep. My husband saves his best behavior for his public persona. He does all sorts of nice things for people he hardly knows, like giving everyone at the Post Office an Amazon gift certificate for Christmas. Yet he can hardly be bothered with even cleaning up after himself when he makes a mess in the kitchen. It's all about getting positive feedback from strangers. With me, he knows I've seen his inner demons, so why bother?
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2016, 05:43:34 PM »

Oh, and he also takes credit for things I've done entirely on my own. He'll start off saying something about "our garden" and he's never set foot in it. When I've had excess produce, I know he's given it away and claimed that he grew it. Or if I've made bread, it's the bread we made. I give him the side eye when I catch him doing that, so now he only does it out of my earshot.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Daisy23

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 40


« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2016, 01:58:39 PM »

Thanks for all your comments and experiences - one of the hardest issues for me since childhood w/ BPDm is how the person is so lovely, caretaking, and even meek around outsiders and then so destructive and crazy-making in our relationship. Sometimes I can't believe I'm still living with the issue.

My husband makes a point of telling stories about nice things he does for others or how he volunteers his time for the community. It's like he sells himself in subtle ways. It's sad - I know it's evidence of his self-loathing but a lot of people take it at face value and validate him. It sometimes feels like they value him more than me. Even my own Dad listens more attentively to my husband than to me when we're both there. Is there something I can put in my husband's morning coffee to tone down the charm?

I guess being an only child left me even more alone with my mom's issues and now with my BPDh I also don't have anyone to share even a bit of my reality with. I have tried to let a little out but people just tell me what a nice a guy he is and normalize the situation. I can see how this site helps - we all accept and appreciate each others' realities. Thank goodness!
Logged
William K

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2016, 02:28:58 PM »

Daisy23,

I feel for you Daisy... .This was driving me crazy (married 29 years) until a very specific breakout moment about a year ago. I had been attending a weekly al anon group for about a month trying to cope with her alcohol addiction when one Friday, sitting in our circle of a couple dozen people was the wife of a close couples friend of 20 years. She was there to deal with a family issue that was already an open part of her life, but she was shocked to see me. We spoke for a long time after the meeting and she concluded by saying that so many things about my wife's now made sense and she encouraged me to talk to others who were also happy to be enlightened. It didn't fix anything but it was welcome relief.
Logged
unicorn2014
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2016, 04:01:33 PM »

My ex has sociopathic traits, and he was able to manipulate whole groups of people. I had to actually quietly approach a few individuals within a group and let them know what really was going on and they thanked me, and one person profusely apologized to me for getting involved as she had no idea what my ex was really doing.

My ex was the baby of the family in his FOO and was excused and enabled. I didn't understand this until very recently.


I still have to deal with my ex because we have a child together so I will try to come at it from that perspective.

There was a point in time where my ex fooled me too, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten married and had a child together. Remembering this helps me not blame myself. Another thing that helps that I learned from a former therapist is none of those people who sung my ex's praises were married to him, and as we know some disorders are only revealed to those who are nearest to the perp, for lack of a better word.

Since you are still in a relationship with your person, it would really help to get an individual therapist for yourself. Do you have one?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2016, 05:26:31 PM »

Outsiders are a blank canvas on which they can attempt to create the picture of who they would like to be, but dont have the ingrained personality to actually be.

How solid that facade is and how quickly it crumbles is often reflected in how high or low functioning they are. My wife can charm someone for maybe half hour like a great sales person then something starts to feel not right. On the other hand her mothers "facade' is so rock solid that even after knowing her for 10 years, and knowing what i do, i still can't see behind it, other than recognizing it as a facade.

Her mother obviously has a personality disorder (to me), but I could'nt say what it is, while most people think she is the ultimate role model of a superwoman
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2016, 12:05:27 AM »

I've had a couple of surprising situations in public when a pwBPD put on the charming act to others, then suddenly turned to me with the vicious persona. It happened both with my mother and with a boyfriend I dated for a while. It was such an extreme shift and it made me wonder that they either didn't care or didn't realize that outside people would observe the sudden Jeckyl/Hyde change. Fortunately I was able to find it humorous at the time, though of course I couldn't let them know that.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2016, 05:31:16 AM »

I've experienced this too. It's really freaky. Once it happened in a store, and I was so freaked out, I didn't go back. I saw the look on the people's faces. The pwBPD didn't ever acknowledge it- it was plain as day and it happened in a spit second.

This is long before I knew about BPD and it felt surreal, like something happened, and others saw it, and then, it was as if it didn't happen.
Logged
Claycrusher
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 63


« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2016, 09:09:57 PM »

I understand your issue, Daisy23.

To the outside world, my BPDw is superwoman.  She's high-functioning and saves all her s***** dysregulated behavior for me and our children.

To the outside world, she is honest, kind, thoughtful and compassionate.  Those of us who live with her know she is decietful, manipulative, impulsive, and utterly lacking in empathy for those closest to her.  I used to doubt that most of our mutual circle of association would believe it even if I told them a fraction of the rotten things she's said and done.  Now, I don't care whether they do or don't.

I'm pretty tired of hearing how wonderful my BPDw is and how lucky I am to have her in my life, too.  One of her half-sisters ran that routine by me recently, and I said she had it wrong, that it was the other way around, entirely.  When she asked why I would say such a terrible thing, I asked her how long she would let her husband remain living in the same home as her if she caught him in a series of lies leading up to an adulterous act of extra-marital sexual relations with a member of the same gender.  When she said that she would boot him out, but didn't understand what that had to do with anything, I told her that her half-sister was the lucky one because I haven't yet, but plan on doing so as soon as she obtains her degree in December. 

When someone tells me how wonderful she is and how lucky I am to have my BPDw in my life now, I respond by asking them what they would do if their spouse did "X", with "X"=a random example of dysregulated behavior.  When they respond with, "I'd show them the door and boot their butt out of it," I just smile and say, "Well, SHE is lucky to have ME in HER life because I'm so wonderful that I haven't done so... .  Yet... ."

As abusers, pwBPD not only expect those around them to take their abuse, but they also expect them to help propigate more of the same by helping to hide their abuses from the outside world while helping them prop up the "false selves" they try to project to the world around them.  I'm just as much to blame for our circle of association not "getting" who and what my BPDw is all about because I haven't shared the truth with them.  I'm done living my BPDw's lie.

They say, "the truth shall set you free" and in my case, it has been quite the liberating experience to respond to "you're so lucky, she's so wonderful" with an example of her disregulated behavior, followed by this question: "What YOU do if someone did this to you"?

My BPDw is NOT "wonderful".  Take the clinical-sounding name for her disorder out of the picture, and I'm left with a decietful, manipulative, impuslive, emotionally immature, promiscuous, and self-centered person who lacks empathy for those closest to her.  Without the clinical-sounding name, one might be inclined to simply brand her an a**hole.  I'm inclined to brand her that way, in spite of the clinical name for her disorder.

And I am inclined to do that because she knows she's lying when she tells a lie.  She knows she is attempting to be manipulative when she tries to manipulate.  She knows she's taking credit for things others do when she does it.  And on top of knowing all of that, she also knows the difference between right and wrong.  And there's this, too...   Her s***** childhood DOES NOT give her license to s**** on other people and even if it did, it shouldn't obligate anyone to take the s**** she dishes out.

Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #15 on: January 28, 2016, 09:18:55 PM »

When someone tells me how wonderful she is and how lucky I am to have my BPDw in my life now, I respond by asking them what they would do if their spouse did "X", with "X"=a random example of dysregulated behavior.  When they respond with, "I'd show them the door and boot their butt out of it," I just smile and say, "Well, SHE is lucky to have ME in HER life because I'm so wonderful that I haven't done so... .  Yet... ."

This is understandable and may make you feel better in the moment. At the end of the day it is passive aggressive and doesn't really get you anywhere, only laying triggers for a potential conflict.

I went through years of wanting to "expose" my wife's behavior, but ultimately it was blind alley. It just highlighted my own inability to myself to do something about it. The obvious responses you will get if someone believes you will be "well why do you put up with it?". This gets just as irritating
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #16 on: January 28, 2016, 09:27:12 PM »

And I am inclined to do that because she knows she's lying when she tells a lie.  She knows she is attempting to be manipulative when she tries to manipulate.  She knows she's taking credit for things others do when she does it.  And on top of knowing all of that, she also knows the difference between right and wrong.  And there's this, too...  Her s***** childhood DOES NOT give her license to s**** on other people and even if it did, it shouldn't obligate anyone to take the s**** she dishes out.

How long do you think it has been this way?

Reason I ask is if the RS is breaking down anyway, BPD simply amplifies the nasty side of it. BPD on its own is not always solely responsible for it.

Are interested in Saving or Improving your relationship, and is this passing vent or are you more in the mind of leaving it as considered decision?
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2016, 05:31:20 AM »

I can understand the frustration of people not seeing the difficulties, but it isn't necessarily a deliberate action on the part of the person with BPD. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships, it is in a romantic relationships that the issues can play out the most.

Even though it is tempting to blame the partner with BPD for these issues, there are two people involved- the pw BPD and the partner who chose them. One way to reduce conflict is to look at our part in it. It may not be as obvious to us in the moment, but we engage in the drama too, in our own way. The lessons on this board can help learn how to do this.

One thing to consider is our own reactivity- reacting to our partners and to others who speak about them. When we hear how wonderful our partners are, it is aggravating if we feel we are getting a different set of behaviors. But if we respond with a negative comment to people outside the relationship, then we can also be seen as being harmful.

Looking at the drama triangle- there are three roles- Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer. Involving a third party can lead to triangulation. Looking through the lens:  When a person says " how lucky you are" we feel wronged and see ourselves as a victim. Then we try to rescue ourselves by setting the record straight. Even if we are telling the truth in this context, we are saying something to influence how someone else sees our partner and we are taking on victim mode. Whenever we assume this, we are on the triangle.

I also understand not wanting to lie, but our intimate relationships are nobody's business. I understand the frustration too. My mother with BPD has painted me black to others, and I have at times set the record straight. But it doesn't work very well as it leaves the other person with two different realities to consider- hers or mine. It inevitably divides people- they have to choose one or the other. So I have learned to let her own behaviors and relationships work themselves out.

I think here is where WW mentioned choice. If we choose to be in a relationship, then speaking negatively about issues to people outside the relationship is inevitably destructive. Yes, it may feel like blowing off steam in the short run but can cause damage. Discussing such things- anonymously and/or with a T would preserve the relationship.
Logged
Daisy23

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 40


« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2016, 12:32:36 PM »

Wow, I really expected just a few replies. I really feel less alone now. Too bad for all of us though!

I do have an individual therapist - found a good one on my second try. It helps when we meet. EMDR seems to mollify the effects of past traumas - which is big.

I love the metaphor of the blank canvas, Waverider. Very helpful to me. Thanks.

Logged
HurtinNW
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 665


« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2016, 04:25:00 PM »

I can understand the frustration of people not seeing the difficulties, but it isn't necessarily a deliberate action on the part of the person with BPD. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships, it is in a romantic relationships that the issues can play out the most.

Even though it is tempting to blame the partner with BPD for these issues, there are two people involved- the pw BPD and the partner who chose them. One way to reduce conflict is to look at our part in it. It may not be as obvious to us in the moment, but we engage in the drama too, in our own way. The lessons on this board can help learn how to do this.

One thing to consider is our own reactivity- reacting to our partners and to others who speak about them. When we hear how wonderful our partners are, it is aggravating if we feel we are getting a different set of behaviors. But if we respond with a negative comment to people outside the relationship, then we can also be seen as being harmful.

Looking at the drama triangle- there are three roles- Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer. Involving a third party can lead to triangulation. Looking through the lens:  When a person says " how lucky you are" we feel wronged and see ourselves as a victim. Then we try to rescue ourselves by setting the record straight. Even if we are telling the truth in this context, we are saying something to influence how someone else sees our partner and we are taking on victim mode. Whenever we assume this, we are on the triangle.

I also understand not wanting to lie, but our intimate relationships are nobody's business. I understand the frustration too. My mother with BPD has painted me black to others, and I have at times set the record straight. But it doesn't work very well as it leaves the other person with two different realities to consider- hers or mine. It inevitably divides people- they have to choose one or the other. So I have learned to let her own behaviors and relationships work themselves out.

I think here is where WW mentioned choice. If we choose to be in a relationship, then speaking negatively about issues to people outside the relationship is inevitably destructive. Yes, it may feel like blowing off steam in the short run but can cause damage. Discussing such things- anonymously and/or with a T would preserve the relationship.

I just want to say I really appreciate this perspective. My mom was BPD and was a master at triangulating. She painted me black to the point my surviving siblings will not speak to me (they hardly speak to each other, either). My efforts to "set the record straight" inevitably backfired. A person with BPD is very invested in maintaining their place on the triangle. They are going to put a heck of a lot more effort in it than any reasonable person can maintain!

I had a question about painting black but I will do ahead and post it so I don't hijack this thread Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2016, 04:39:25 PM »

Triangulation by the way is everywhere in human relationships. It can provide a healthy healing and coping mechanism for mediation and problem solving. This is why it is important to understand it, that way we can see when it is negative and toxic. Not all triangulation takes it to the level of full blown Drama Triangle

GOOD VS BAD TRIANGULATION

Dysfunctional personalities take it to an extreme destructive level. It is unrealistic to expect never to be involved in it, so being aware and doing your best to stay centered is essential.

There is currently a lot of triangulation within my wifes family which has me as the subject. I see it clearly, though I am not being dragged into the middle as an unwitting participant i have to admit that remaining completely unaffected is near impossible.

Be aware and do your best.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
EmotionalWarfare

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 45



« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2016, 08:52:40 AM »

Wow waverider,

Looks like we have this in common.  My wife's family is like this also.  My wife, her mother, and her mother's mother (wife's grand mother) all have traits of either BPD or NPD or both.  So my wife's brother married a person exactly like his mother or worse.  And a couple of my wife's uncles also married to their mother's likeness.  There are at least 5 women feuding at any given time and all us husbands try to remain neutral and out of the line of fire.  There's no such thing as forgiveness, or owning mistakes in this arena.  There's only constant growing resentment, anger, and full time raging.  I am often the target as well.  Often we get xmas cards and what not from her family in which the card will be written in the names of my wife and daughters only.     My name and well wishes are purposefully left out, like I do not exist, in an attempt to inflict personal pain/or discontent.  I am also the only one in my family that does not receive birthday cards from anyone on her side of the family.  It's relentless and ongoing.

Geesh... .the gifts of life. Eh?  ha ha ha.  Good luck to you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!