Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:24:28 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I just need some support tonight  (Read 375 times)
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« on: January 25, 2016, 07:08:10 PM »

I have been a member since 2012 - I am in a personal relationship and own a business since 2009 with my pwBPD.  Finding this place has been a lifesaver for me - I come here anytime I need to read or help myself learn more about the illness.  Over the years, our business has grown and continued to be successful.  I do most of the work and thankfully the staff is very loyal.  I figured out a way to get him to work without overwhelming him. 

I have read a lot about codependency and I have to work at not slipping into bad habits.  I never let myself forget that he has BPD - I know a dysregulation can happen anytime.  He has been actively working with a therapist and has become more self aware than he was at the beginning of our relationship.  When he is in a good place, we talk about his triggers and we both know that one of us has to leave when a dysregulation starts.  He had intense anger issues and knows that I will not be around him when he gets angry.  He is aware enough to know that he can't get so angry if he wants me to stay around. 

The past year has been tough - too many things going on in our personal lives with our families.  It seems that he was dysregulated most of last year.  Instead of using anger, he uses emotion to try to get to me.  He refuses to eat - refuses to take his meds.  For the most part, I just ignore.  He is a grown man and he will eat eventually.  I have been refusing to talk to him about the eating etc and I know he takes his meds even though the threatens not too. 

He was off this weekend slipping into dysregulation and said he needed space.  I gave it to him.  I texted him once and checked in - he didn't respond and I left it at that. 

We live in separate houses for our children's sake.  He came in this am and said he is so alone and lonely at his house - I said I know, it can get quiet if the kids aren't around. He was super upset that I didn't go to his house and check on him.  I said I texted and you didn't respond.  I was respecting your need for space.   He started talking about how much he hates his life - how unhappy he is - that he is never happy.  I listened for a bit and went back to my desk to work.  He asked me to contact a client to get a question answered - I sent an email.  Within 45 minutes he started ranting that I don't get anything done since the client didn't respond.  I said that I can't control the world and I am sure we would get a response soon.  Another 30 minutes passed and he was getting increasingly agitated - he started to pace and wouldn't calm down.  I said that he has to leave - I have things to do.  He went off that i can't make him go.  I told him that he has 2 choices - calm down or leave.   I went back to my office and heard a noise in his office - it sounded like he was gagging.  He had laid down on the floor and wrapped a cord around his neck.  I picked up the phone to call 911 and he rolled over and said he was fine.  I was shaking - he scared me. 

I sat in his office for a bit and he kept telling me to leave him alone.  I said I would as soon as I saw that he had calmed down.  He kept getting madder and madder.  He kept saying meaner and meaner things.  I said he had to leave.  He picked up his keys to leave and said he was going to end it all.  I have heard that so many times before.  When he is in a good place, we talk about it and he acknowledges that he uses that threat to make me feel bad.  Even though I have been through it so much, I always wonder if this time he means it. 

The client called him when he was in his car - he was perfectly clear and coherent.  He came back demanding to know if I called the client and made him call him.  I said no. He was furious and sure I called the client to make his call him.  I said I had no idea what he was talking about.   

He said that I will never understand him and that he wants to be alone forever.  I have heard that millions of time in the past.  He went off about his pain and how much he hates himself.  He asked to be alone - I said I will leave.  He said he doesn't want me to leave - he just wants to be alone.  He went home shortly after that.  Part of me wants to stop by - to text him.  I don't think that is a good idea. 

I am struggling.  The emotional manipulation he tries to use to seems to be increasing.  It is extremely hard to ignore - I feel so worn down.  I was sitting here feeling very alone in all this so decided to write.  This illness can make you have such a lonely life - no one understands how or why I stay.  Some of the time, I wonder the exact thing myself.  I do read a lot and spend time with my kids.  I have learned how to take better care of myself during these times.  It just feels like we haven't had a good stretch lasting more than 10 days in so long.

I feel lost tonight - hoping that tomorrow will be a better day and that I will feel stronger.  It isn't unusual for me to feel like this during a really bad dysregulation.  I just don't know how to ignore the intense emotional manipulation - I am worried that it is increasing.  I thought ignoring it was the answer but today made me really question myself.

I feel like I have been rambling on - I hope this is somewhat coherent.

Thanks for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated. 


Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Ceruleanblue
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1343



« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2016, 01:01:40 AM »

It sounds like you've had a really rough year. It also sounds like with your job, and being a Mom, and your spouse having BPD, that you have a lot on your plate. Are you in therapy to help you deal with all this. I'm currently in therapy, because I needed to learn how to deal with all this, and I wanted to do what I could to get to a more peaceful, better place. There is still drama I wish wasn't happening, but I'm trying to engage less in it, and deal with it in better ways. My old self used to think I could just cave in to demands in order to keep the peace. Well, that never really kept the peace anyway, so now I'm working on being more assertive.

Like you, even with lots of added self care, it has times it can feel overwhelming. BPDh tends to dysregulate and get depressed over the holidays, except in seems to start early November. I feel he's just now getting slightly better.

I hope the day after you wrote this was better. I have low days too, but I rebound a lot faster than I used to. I just don't want to let his moods ruin my days, so I'm working on not letting that happen as much. Some days I'm better at it than others.
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2016, 06:38:15 AM »

Hi coworkerfriend    

What you wrote makes perfect sense to me and will do to everyone here that reads it, and I also understand the desperate loneliness that living withthis illness can bring. It is good that you decided to write.

My attention is drawn to your situation at work which sounds very difficult to manage. I am wondering whether there are ways for you to feel less stressed and controlled by his dysregulations here. Instead of asking him to leave when things are escalating could you leave? Or is this too impractical?

I'm thinking about finding little ways to disengage that protect you emotionally. Small changes overtime, like screening phonecalls from him if dysregulated. Not covering for him where clients are concerned. (If this is  your own personal business this might not be practical).

I too would have concerns around his threats of suicide and acting out behaviours. You are right to be worried about not knowing what is real and what isn't. That is why here we encourage you to try not to manage this without support from professionals. Your decision to phone 911 was a positive step, perhaps if he does this again follow through with the call. This way you hand over responsibility to professionals and you send him a clear message that you will not be held to ransom by these threats. What do you think?

Who is there for support for you, family, friends, a T?

Building some support around you will help lessen the feelings of isolation.

Keep posting and let us know how things are for you today.
Logged

coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2016, 06:42:59 PM »

Thank you so much for your responses Ceruleanblue and Sweetheart.  I really appreciate it.

It is really impractical for me to leave when he dysregulates - I handle the employees and the work flow.  He has to leave when he gets bad. 

Today was a quiet day. I had four projects for him to do - I gave them to him one at a time and he completed the task.  He wore himself out yesterday.  I kept busy and did not bring up anything about his suicide threats.  We will talk about it but today didn't feel like the right time.  I work very hard at not letting his mood darken my day - but I am human and I get tired of it all. I don't feel like myself yet - yesterday really shook me.  It was good that things were quiet and calm for today.  In the past, dysregulations would last for weeks and weeks and feel like it would never pass.  He said today like he feels like he is slowly getting himself back.  The hard part is when he is trying to recover, anything little thing might trigger him.  All we can do is take it day by day.

With his behavior yesterday, it is so clear that I am not equipped to handle this by myself.  I hope I am strong enough to follow through with the call.  I felt so scared yesterday - I hadn't felt like that in a while. 

I have been to therapy on and off the entire time of our relationship.  During December, I decided I was going to start back but this month has flown by.   I have a really hard time talking about things - I don't open up very easily.  All my life, I kept my feelings inside and don't know how to express them. 

I don't open up to my friends and family about this.  When I was first dealing with it, I was so confused and I didn't know how I would explain it.  Now, I feel like I don't know how to talk about it without everyone in my life telling me I am just as crazy for dealing with it.  I don't know if that makes sense.

Thanks again for being here.  I want to be in a peaceful place among all the chaos. 

Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2016, 07:10:33 PM »

This is so tough, being in a relationship and a business with a pwBPD. I did it for years with my ex-husband. He would dysregulate at work and leave me to pick up the pieces. He also made suicide threats.

I was ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior and occasionally my current BPD husband will embarrass me by his behavior, but I'm getting better at realizing that's just him. It's different when it's a work situation and a business you co-own.

I hope you do return to therapy. It's good to talk about it. I have friends with whom I can share some of the crazy moments, though not all. But shining a light on it certainly has helped me come out of the shadows. A helpful saying I've heard here is "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Doesn't necessarily work with your work situation.

Keep on posting here. It's good to share.   
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2016, 04:51:08 PM »

I am back and needing some friends - today was just as bad as January 25th.  I guess I should be thankful the quiet time lasted more than 10 days.  The problem is I am so tired of it and because of being so emotionally drained this week, I fought back. He was pushing me and pushing me - he said I triggered him because of my "actions" yesterday.  I made him work - I didn't take  an appointment he had because he wasn't "feeling it".

He started in saying things he knows will trigger me - and they did.  I felt like I lost my mind.   I didn't follow any of the lessons - I didn't remove myself - I couldn't help myself.  It got bad - he threw a chair at me.  I told him I can't take this anymore and I did leave right after that.

The worst part for me right now is that I feel like apologizing to him.  Telling him I know that I handled the situation horribly.  I have an intense need to resolve this and I can't think straight enough at the moment.  He ends it with me every time he is in a bad place.  He always tells me it is over and he has no feelings for me.  Thursday he loved me and Friday he hated me. 

I don't know - I feel like I have to do something.  I wish this feeling would pass. 

Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2016, 09:26:26 AM »

Yes, you're trying to behave with him as you would with a non-disordered person and acknowledge your part in the situation. I completely understand.

However, he's not capable of comprehending this and it will appear like you are JADEing. I fall into that trap over and over with my current husband over minor issues.

I think the most difficult thing is to fully accept that our partners, whether they are romantic or business, or both, will never be normal and that we will have to cope with that in a different way than if we were with someone who didn't suffer from mental illness.

One of the most fraught issues for me about being in business with my ex was the fact that when he didn't feel good for any reason, he'd abandon his business duties and leave me picking up the pieces. I grew to hate him for doing that.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!