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Author Topic: Meeting with his ex?  (Read 525 times)
Jessica84
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« on: January 26, 2016, 12:55:04 PM »

Got this text last night:  Tomorrow night I agreed to meet (ex-gf) for our annual one hour encounter session. Likely unpleasant.



Strange wording. I did ok not reacting (it's a past trigger - Last year, she conveniently picked Valentine's Day to meet!) 

I'm confused. He agreed to meet her, or did he invite her, or she him? one-hour encounter session? It's dinner, not therapy! And if it's likely unpleasant, why bother? I don't mean to dissect it, but it makes no sense.

He went on... ."I guess I don't like throwing people out... .In a way it's therapeutic... .in a mean way maybe... .It helps me in a way with perspective... .And she sends me new business every now and then... .She will ask about my kids, I will ask about hers, then that will be it for 2016... .Would you want to talk to (my exh) once a year? Catch up on his family?... .Hey! You wanna show up tomorrow and make a scene?... .You can shout at me... .then stab me... .Ha ha... .I'll tell you where it is... .I'll make her wear your cutoff shorts... ."

Does this make any sense?

I responded initially with "Well if it's important to keep her in your life and catch up with her annually, ok. Hope it goes well" (since usually, it doesn't)... .then tried to move on to other topics. The texts above was him circling back to it. I made jokes about her wearing my clothes. All good. No dysreg - on my part, or his. He called this morning and didn't even mention it - their dinner is tonight.

Was this a test? Did I pass?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Or do pwBPD really not let go of anyone?

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Ceruleanblue
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« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2016, 05:05:28 PM »

I think you handled it as well as can be expected. This just seems pretty weird to me, and I think would make most women feel weird. Who wants their boyfriend or husband meeting with an ex for a social dinner? Especially if it's sometimes problematic? I get that some ex's stay friends, but I think when there is a PD involved, and impulse issues, and low boundaries, that's asking for trouble. Plus, it just seems rather inconsiderate to your possible feelings, triggers or no.

I would not meet up with an ex, unless BPDh was with me, and he'd have to be totally okay with it. Both BPDh and my ex's, from long marriages, aren't people we'd want to be social with, as they were both abusers. His physical, mine verbal, and he never got to the "let's be nice" stage even after we divorced. He and his girlfriend wanted to meet up to talk about the kids over dinner, and I agreed. BPDh and I both said "never again". It wasn't awful, but the girlfriend wanted to tell me how to raise my kids, and she didn't even raise her own daughter, he Mom did! I've had my kids 24/7, and didn't appreciate the way she presented her "advice".

I'd be beyond making jokes about an ex wearing my clothes. You are a lot better sport about it than I'd have been. Pat yourself on the back.
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Lou12
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« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2016, 05:23:53 PM »

Hey Jessica how does this truly make you feel?

I honestly wouldn't be happy about it. It sounds like he's unsure about how you'll react to it by the way he keeps going on about it. I go on about things when I feel I'm doing something wrong and need another to tell me it's ok.

If it's bothering you, is there a way of approaching it that allows you to get your point across without it being triggering?

X
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2016, 05:51:36 PM »

Jessica,

This is some goofy sh!t.

My husband occasionally visits one of his ex-wives when he's in her area, which is a few hundred miles away. She's married and has a couple of kids and I've met her a few times over the years, so I know there's no way she has designs on him. I think they both have fond memories of each other but there's a lot of water under the bridge. He's really matter-of-fact when he tells me about seeing her.

My ex-husband used to meet up with women he claimed were "friends" and there definitely was a desire, at least on his part, to act out and sometimes he did, apparently. The way your boyfriend is wording his text makes me wonder if there's more going on than he claims. It could very well just be getting a validation hit from his old flame, but it would make me uncomfortable. There's just too much justifying.

I think you responded well. And pwBPD don't let go of anyone who might give them an ego boost IMO.
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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2016, 07:01:55 PM »

Jessica, the way your H composed the text was totally nuts, and mixed messages all over the place. I'd draw a few conclusions from it.

1. He's stressed out about how you might react. (And might spin things hoping to mollify you)

2. He's stressed out about seeing her again. (They broke up... .he's a pwBPD. Q.E.D it was an ugly breakup!)

3. Because of all this stress, he said some really crazy stuff.

... .

And I'd leave it at that.

Not show up with an implement  in hand to stab him with 

Not interrogate him in detail about it, but a simple "How did it go" would seem more appropriate than pretending it didn't happen.

... .

And if you have any concerns that he is actually interested in more with his ex... .look elsewhere for cues/clues about it. If he really was cheating with her, he'd probably not play the really subtle double-game of telling you this much about it... .
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Jessica84
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« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2016, 10:38:43 PM »

Thank you everyone! I agree, it's goofy! Not sure if BPD goofy, or some other kind of goofy?

I know exes can be friends. I'm on friendly enough terms with mine. But staying in touch with this one seems pointless. She was angry and violent with him. None of his friends or family liked her. Rude to his kids, mean to him. Yet, they have dinner once a year ? He did mention it helping him get "perspective" and it being "therapeutic", but to me its like walking into a firing squad... .on purpose.

GK I think you nailed it with 1-2-3... .  1) I've been upset about this in the past. So he was probably trying to word it carefully  2) I'm friends with his office asst - she told me he was stressing about it all day, wishing he hadn't agreed to it and wanted to get it over with.  3) so yes, stressed

He called me on his way there. Texted me when he got home. About an hour later. All good.

But the text exchange that followed was a bit odd. I'll post that in a bit... .
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Jessica84
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« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2016, 10:58:41 PM »

me: how'd it go?

him: Pleasant. We could probably be actual friends as there is a lot of water under the bridge.

me: Oh

him: We are having breakfast

him: Then lunch

him: And I called a judge to do the ceremony

(his attempt at humor)

me: I don't know what to make of you and her being friends

him: We aren't much of friends

him: We can hang out 1 hour per year and exchange pleasantries.

him: I think it comes under the category of "old friends"

him: She refused to wear your shorts (more humor)

him: Ok anyway that's done

me: My only concern is this is a woman who arranged to meet on Valentine's Day, sent you a sexual card, and told you she had a picture of you and her framed at her house. Just think inviting her to dinner sends the wrong signal.

him: That's her way of joking. I am not getting back with (ex-gf). She is mean, unpredictable, and I wasted years ignoring those facts. End of story.

him: Let's drop it.

me: Ok. I didn't bring it up

him: I only brought it up so you would not think I was doing something behind your back

him: The end

Then he started talking politics... .and I didn't want to circle back to this. I don't want to get upset over what may be nothing. We've been together almost 7 years. He's never gone back to her, except for these weird 1-hr dinners every year. He hasn't spoken to her since this time last year.

Thoughts? 
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Lou12
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2016, 04:32:46 AM »

Honestly... .

It sounds as though he just had dinner with a friend and that's the end of it.

He doesn't seem to be reacting like he's done something wrong.

You know him better than anyone but I wouldn't be worried by this exchange of texts other than the fact you know it's his exgf.

Him going in the first place would bother me but now that's it's over with, and from his post dinner text response it sounds like he was open and honest with you and quite happy to fill you in on the details. Doesn't really seem like he is hiding anything and it was what he said it was.
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Chilibean13
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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2016, 07:44:54 AM »

I agree the dinner sounds very benign, I just wonder why it has to happen? Is there something special about this time of year for them when they were a couple? How long has this 1 hour per year going on? If it's so miserable, why doesn't he just end it? OR could she come to dinner at your house, with you there, next time?

I'm not a jealous person, but I would not be comfortable with my H meeting up with his ex, year after year, carving out time for a special time for them together. If it was that she just happened to be in town and they wanted to catch up, maybe. But a ritual date every year. It's time to move on. If she is as mean as he says she is, he shouldn't want anything to do with her.

I think you did a fantastic job handling it. I'm not sure htat I would do the same. I think he knows that it makes you uneasy and that's why he feels like he needs to cover it with humor.
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2016, 09:14:59 AM »

My husband has kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend from law school who tried to kill him. She was later diagnosed bipolar and with medication was able to have a successful practice. He seldom contacts her and occasionally she contacts him. I find that really weird, but I'm far more able to let people remain in my past and not need to keep in touch.

I've never met her but many years ago she suggested we all get together and she has a vacation cabin a hour away from where we live and a ski boat. She wanted us to go waterskiing with her.

I told him NFW am I getting into a boat with her after all I had heard about her homicidal tendencies. And I don't care to meet her, thank you very much. 
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« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2016, 10:14:30 AM »

Thanks for all the input. I'm sure it was innocent. I just don't know why it's necessary. Why he defends the need to maintain a 1-hour per year friendship with a "mean, unpredictable" ex so much. She should be ancient history. But he keeps it going, year after year, every January or February - months he tends to be at his worst as it is. I don't get it. Can you imagine if I did this to him?

I'm glad it's out of the way now. He can check "dine with dragon lady" off his list. I'll let it go... .until next year. 


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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2016, 11:01:29 AM »

I told him NFW am I getting into a boat with her after all I had heard about her homicidal tendencies. And I don't care to meet her, thank you very much. 

A wise risk management approach to things.   Very little to no upside to meeting this person and a potential huge downside.

I would have taken same approach.

FF
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2016, 11:40:29 AM »

I'm glad it's out of the way now. He can check "dine with dragon lady" off his list. I'll let it go... .until next year. 

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Give him the rest of the week to bring up the topic in a few more bizarre ways, then forget about it for ~50 weeks. (Actually hoping he won't even mention it anymore this week, but he is obviously making this a significant thing worth freaking out over... .)

If for some reason he isn't ready to drop it that quickly... .time to dig a little deeper, I guess.
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« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2016, 12:35:08 PM »

I think I have a possible explanation. I think it is a fear of enmeshement to give up the ex. In addition, it is a part of his history, who he was before he met you and so giving up the friendship with her could feel like giving up a part of himself.

My H is committed, I know there isn't anyone else. Yet he tends to not tell me things- not big things but little things, as if telling me is giving up something, losing his autonomy. When things were really difficult between us, ( we had some really bad times) if he was going somewhere, and I asked, he would feel invaded somehow- even if it was just the hardware store. It wasn't that he was doing anything, it was the telling me that was the problem. It seems he has to keep part of his life not connected to me to keep from feeling engulfed.

I think, in a way, the appeal of the ex is not that it is romantic, but it is something that is not connected to you. . I think it is the not connected to you that makes him feel as if he is not enmeshed or engulfed by you. Him holding on to this meeting with her is his way of saying I am not all you. If you think of this in black and white terms, it makes sense. With only two choices- all you, or not you, this could be a boundary for him.

None of us have a guarantee at any time that our SO's won't want to be romantic with someone, ex or non ex. IMHO, if you get upset about this, he may feel controlled. I don't think I'd particularly like it, but on the other hand, I don't think I'd make any meaning out of it if nothing is going on between them.  

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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2016, 01:05:32 PM »

Another possible explanation: in pondering why my husband would keep in touch with his homicidal ex, it occurred to me it would be a helpful comparison for his self esteem to have someone more f*ed up than him.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2016, 01:24:26 PM »

If for some reason he isn't ready to drop it that quickly, time to dig a little deeper, I guess.

My hope is that he will drop it.  I think you have done great with this, by not making it a bigger deal.

If it persists as an issue that he brings up, I think it is a "help me understand, " conversation.  Low key, but "help me understand how this is important to you?" 

My bet is he drops it since there was no "rise" out of you.

FF
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Jessica84
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« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2016, 01:57:54 PM »

@CatFamiliar -  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I think you're onto something! She sounds far worse off than him.

GK - you know him well! He brought it up again today at lunch, but I think this will be the end of it (til next year... .maybe). He talked about how uncomfortable/tense it was (described the scene as a "snakepit", called her dangerous and messed up, thinks she needs meds, doesn't know why he meets her, said it was habit, admits not a good one... .then he waved his hand like a wand and said "anyway, that's done now". He looked more embarrassed or upset with himself than anything else, not really guilty.

FF - I did that exact line... ."help me understand why this is so important to you." He couldn't.

I didn't push him, mostly listened, but did say I thought it was inappropriate to have this kind of anniversary meal with her every year. He started to defend himself. Then I saw CNN on the TV in the restaurant and changed the subject to a news topic. He looked relieved. By the end of lunch, we were talking and laughing about things. He brought it up again in the car, expanded on how horrible she is. Then dropped me off with a big hug. Even said "I'm happy you're mine". Weird, but ok.

Notwendy -  Thought that is something I had not thought of. He can't seem to explain it himself, so your theory makes a lot of sense. Not everything with BPD does, but darnit I want it to! My brain craves logic!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Also, I can see in their r/s, he was the victim, she the persecutor. In our r/s, the roles reversed. The way he described her was exactly the way I used to describe him. I slowly left victimhood (after discovering BPD), but then went into rescue mode (when he was suicidal). Now I'm trying to stay somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I still lean toward victim, rescuer, or even persecutor. It's really hard to stay balanced sometimes.

I feel relieved now. Thank you all so much for the input. It really is helpful in understanding this craziness 
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« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2016, 06:58:45 PM »



Jessica84,

I think you did great.

If he was in a decent mood, I think "help me understand how you continue what you describe as a bad habit"

If he says "I dunno, " well ask him if he will make a different choice.

If tension rises, back away or validate.

You can also take the aloof tactic and just listen without trying to guide him.

FF
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« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2016, 08:08:56 PM »

If he was in a decent mood, I think "help me understand how you continue what you describe as a bad habit"

If he says "I dunno... " well ask him if he will make a different choice.

No, No, No! Run AWAY!

Seriously though, asking somebody to explain why they did something stupid is a really bad idea, even if they aren't a pwBPD. It is going to bring up at least a little shame, and that's hard to handle well... .this is the kind of thing that a trained therapist might find a situation where it is appropriate once in a blue moon.

But with a pwBPD... .if they've already admitted that what they did was a bad idea, WITHOUT a full dysregulation, you nearly won the lottery. Don't go burn your lottery ticket before you cash it in!
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Jessica84
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« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2016, 09:12:38 PM »

No worries, Grey Kitty. I'm cashing my ticket in!

Apparently, he went full metal jacket at the office today. Screamed about the dinner, "I'm done with that stupid ritual!" and how dumb it was... .then started verbally abusing everyone in his office, including clients. His poor asst called me to vent about how awful he was. She's ready to quit.

After work, he called me and was very pleasant. No mention of ex, but did say he was "a little rude" at work today.

Yup. I won the lottery.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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