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Author Topic: BPD, Co-dependency, Cancer and Marriage  (Read 372 times)
Loveafrog
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living Apart
Posts: 1



« on: January 27, 2016, 01:17:59 AM »

I don't know where to begin. It's a mess... .

I have been married for seven years. I have a rare brain-cancer diagnosed in 2010. I was married for a year and a half at diagnosis. My wife stood by me during it all and took good care of me. I went through treatment and the cancer persisted. I am out of medical intervention now. I started looking at alternative therapies including medical marijuana (I've never done drugs before). In November last year I walked out.

I told my wife that I didn't feel I could get healthy in our marriage environment and that my health had to come first.

All of this was predicated by close friends and family of hers expressing to ME that they were concerned at how she was treating me. No one would ever question her or raise it with her: she's too intimidating. So I raised it and left - with an eye on getting healthy.

Even since then I have been questioning and re-questioning myself, my actions, my decision. I feel selfish, worthless and mean.

I feel like I wasted her child-bearing years and wasted an opportunity for growth. At the moment I feel rudderless. She was the direction in our lives. She's older than me by some 5 years and very sure-footed.

I tend to look at myself first. I always have. I look to myself first when problems arise and lay blame at my own door.

She on the other hand, despite various attempts to encourage therapy refuses, saying there's nothing wrong with her. I know she has a messed-up childhood with a father who abandoned her - and now I have done the exact same thing. I feel like a dog at being the aggressor in the end of it - but I have been unhappy due to her treatment of me for some time.

I know I have co-dependency traits and I often feel the need to rescue people.

My wife was often the persecutor.

From my own perspective, my wife had so many boundaries that I started feeling like I couldn't do anything! I was scared to put a foot wrong and started becoming hyper-vigilant of her reactions in case it spells conflict. I would over-compensate by up-talking her and defending her rudeness to others: hoping that if she sees me as on her side, things would get better.

I hate conflict and when she gets angry it was intensely scary. She was very domineering and abusive psychologically before we were separated. Because I have cancer and my short-term memory is not good (due to my medication-and because I am a regular guy). For example, she would often refuse to repeat things or remind me of a train of thought I had lost. She would say "If you loved me, you would remember what I had said". She could repeat verbatim word for word every conversation. Every argument dissolved into "you said A, then I said B". Eventually I resigned to never argue and just do as she says. She's NEVER apologised for anything. She feels that she can say anything as long as it is based in her honesty.

Her 'honesty' became my gospel and I isolated myself from important people in my life in order to please her.

I asked for more kindness and gentleness and empathy for the situation. I asked for conversation.

She could not/cannot provide these things. Conversations with her are stilted and awkward. They fall flat.

So I compensate by basically doing all the talking. She ignores me and lets conversations fall flat.

She doesn't like my family or many of my friends.

I often perceive her as cold and un-empathetic. I have been told that my perception of her rudeness and callous way of operating is a fault in my perception. She claims to not communicate non-verbally.

She says I should listen to her words and not listen to the tone/body language. Even so I often find her dismissive, undemonstrative, un-affectionate.

I explained my needs to her. I explained that I need to feel like I can be a free man in my own house. I told her I need to feel respected, validated, desired(occasionally).

Things currently stand as follows:

1. She is in the house (I pay the bond, the phone, the medical, the internet) - she runs her startup from the home.

2. I live in a nearby flat.

3. She has banned emails and whatsapps regarding anything emotional

4. She has started seeing other men whom I have never met (she claims they're platonic friends)

5. She doesn't wear her wedding ring.

6. I am doing all the self-therapy and she attends one session bi-monthly

7. Her 40th is in 5 weeks.

I am convinced there is something there: Aspergers, Autism, BPD, Depression - but I have no way of knowing and she is unwilling to look at herself.

Just typing it makes me see how dismal it all is.

I wish there was a way for us to continue constructively, but at the same time a HUGE fear that I just end up going back and feeling miserable and unable to express my feelings.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2016, 12:15:53 AM »

I'm so sorry you're facing this. I totally support you taking care of your health. I believe that should be your number one concern. It's all too easy to second-guess ourselves, especially those of us who want to be helpful to others. You are doing a lot to support your wife. If she had treated you well, you wouldn't have needed to leave a stressful environment. I think that was a very brave and honest thing to do. Your health comes first.

Please take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page and keep posting more about your story. How can we help you?

 
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