Wife moving back in - plan needed

[wundress]

My wife is moving back in after 6 months of living apart. She has realised big time what a jerk she has been and how badly BPD can affect us BOTH.

So my thoughts have turned to how we can avoid another crisis... .

We started doing a crisis plan with our counsellor and have been noting each other's triggers and warning behaviours.

Does anyone else have a crisis plan and what sorts of things do you do when you see a bad time looming?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

wundress, good news for you both that things have gotten to this stage. The crisis planning and identifying each other's triggers sounds like you are both really focused on improving the relationship this time round. What you are already doing with your counsellor is a great start to noticing the early warning signs of dysregulation.

I'm going to give you the link to communication tools, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

You know, we all know that good effective communication is the key to maintaining and often circumventing dysregulations.

Perhaps you could bring your plan here and look at ways of enhancing or adding to what you have already done.

Let us know how things are going.

[wundress]

So far we have mostly talked about noticing certain behaviour and triggers.

For instance for my wife a crisis is usually preempted by restlessness  (she feels the need to constantly tidy and will walk into the house after work and go straight to the washing machine)

She will get hyper beyond just restlessness

She will start being b___ and nit picking at things I say. For instance the other week she told me she had a cramp in her leg. I told her magnesium helps with cramps. So she went off at me saying "I said cramp not cramps". A few days later I reminder her of the conversation and she laughed at herself.

She gets low self esteem

She gets depressed

She wants to drink

She blakes her medication (or does the BPD thing of needing to blame something for the way she feels)

She starts not listening and putting up a wall

She starts going out or disappearing without saying where she is going

She becomes very angry

She then is pretty much in full blown crisis. At this point it is better for us to be apart.

[sweetheart]

Wundress I can hear from your thread that you really know the early warning signs of crisis for your w. That's really positive.

Now what I want you to think about is, how you will respond, what strategies will you use to minimise escalation and reduce conflict when crisis is looming?

[wundress]

Thanks

I have a list of things my wife likes to do when she is angry. I've been using the SET techniques and also just cutting conversations short if i can see there is no point continuing and therefore taking away any reasons for her to paint me black. I also refuse to rise to the bait.

When she is depressed we talk and then I try to get her out of the house for some fresh air and for a change of scenery.

My main concern is for when she doesn't listen or I need her to leave our home. I've been looking at whether it would be possible to book her a night at a hotel. The other major thing is if she refuses to take her medication. I think in that instance our counsellor is going to have to step in.

[sweetheart]

Again sounds really positive approach to improving things.

My dBPDh is currently only taking his meds erratically which in the mid term will cause him to deteriorate. In the past when he has done this I have intervened and made many situations worse.

Had a recent emotional wobble feeling pull to rescue him, but with support from here, have pulled back and am letting his actions have whatever consequences for him that arise.

I will only intervene if there are any indicators that he is heading toward SI or risk to others.

My advice would be let your wife make her own choices around her medication. The consequences of this choice may or may not have a negative impact on your relationship. It is this impact that might be your focus, what will change for you if your w stops her meds and how will you manage these changes ?