Feeling vulnerable and uncertain. Would like some support.

[sweetheart]

Hi everyone, 

I'm triggered that's why I'm writing the post. I feel angry and upset. I also feel vulnerable.

My dBPDh had a home visit today from his new P. I usually sit in on his P appointments, checked with him whether he wanted me there. He said yes.

I knew he was anxious and paranoid about the prospect of the apt, that's normal for him.

Anyway he just used the appointment as a vehicle to blame, project and criticise me for all his past, present and future unhappiness and problems. I knew he was dysregulating, but I don't think the P did.

I started to feel upset and at a loss to know what to do. I was thinking 'WOW she believes him' I found my self at times JADEing to both him and the P. Not lots but still JADEing.

I've never been in the room with someone else when my dBPDh has done this, even though in the past he has made false accusations about me to mental health services. Has contacted the police saying I was stealing his medication and money. This is his MO, he is a blamer, a High Conflict Personality.

The vulnerability of being exposed in this way has also left me concerned about how to protect myself better. This caught me off guard. My dBPDh has a lot of contact with services, he has been very unwell.

My concerns extend to issues around child protection. If services 'believe' I am a risk to my husband, that our day to day lives are in constant chaos, this may then extend to concerns about our sons wellbeing.


How should I handle it next time, and there will be a next time?

How do I protect myself in practical terms?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.  

I had a similar situation, though not as fraught, with my elderly BPD mother. I proactively brought in Adult Protective Services after I consulted with them, to see her and me together in her home. I just wanted documentation in case things went awry.

Your husband had quite a well-documented history, so that certainly is in your favor. Also it seems that not JADEing in the presence of the P could be perceived as agreement, so I think you probably came across better than you might think.

Is there a way to speak privately with the P? Or bring in a different agency?

[sweetheart]

Thanks Cat,

I remember reading about your mum.

My h made some allegations about me last Jan, they came to see if he wanted Adult Safeguarding involved   He denied he had said it when they talked to him. What bothered me then was how quick they jumped given that his presentation and accusations always follow the same pattern.

I posted on Legal, it was a bit of a wake-up call for me, went to see a fab L, said he would be happy to represent me in the event of anything ever happening again in the future.

That's a good point about the documentation though, one thing my husband has is LOTS and LOTS of documentation. Hopefully if needs be they will see the patterns.

I feel sad he just dysregulated over a missing corkscrew, I knew it was upstairs in our bedroom, went to get it and found lots of his antipsychotic meds untaken in his bedside cabinet. He should have no extra meds floating around as his meds are controlled due to overdosing and misuse. I knew he was acting differently, more brittle, irritable, paranoid.  

Carcrash of a day. Can't work out what's causing me to feel so unsettled.

[Cat Familiar]

I feel sad he just dysregulated over a missing corkscrew, I knew it was upstairs in our bedroom, went to get it and found lots of his antipsychotic meds untaken in his bedside cabinet. He should have no extra meds floating around as his meds are controlled due to overdosing and misuse. I knew he was acting differently, more brittle, irritable, paranoid.  

Carcrash of a day. Can't work out what's causing me to feel so unsettled.

I think you just answered your own question.      I'm sorry he's not taking his meds properly. You've certainly got a lot on your plate. I hope tomorrow is better. 

[babyducks]

hi Sweetheart,

I've had a similar experience.   My partner launched a "babyducks is violent towards me" campaign for a while.   It got very complicated.  And wounded me terribly.   One person in particular who I felt should have known better sided very much with her, and treated me harshly for several months.    Rattled my always fragile self esteem.

Do you think he sent you to get the corkscrew knowing you would find the untaken antipsychotics?   Was it his way of raising the issue?

'ducks

[coworkerfriend]

I understand that unsettled feeling so well, Sweetheart.

The situation you described is one fear I have - to be in a situation when I know he is dysregulating but the person he is talking to is unaware.  My pwBPD is highly functioning and very charismatic.  He does place blame on me often for things that I can not control or correct for him.

It is so sad that he dysregulated over something so minor like a corkscrew.  But I do also wonder if he wanted you to find the meds. 

I wish I had some advise on how to handle it.  I have learned over the years that there is always a next time.  I hope you feel better today.

[sweetheart]

He may well have wanted me to find them. I have not addressed the tablets with him, which leads me to my dilemma;

My h has a clear trajectory of escalating symptoms when taking antipsychotic erratically. He is already well entrenched at the persecutory belief stage. He is so brittle it as though he has been flayed, it is only a short hop to active psychosis, I could hear him muttering expletives under his breath last night which is another warning sign. At this point he has no insight and any attempt with trying to address the issue sets him up as a victim, but one who's life is in danger.

He is not at the point where he is a risk to others and neither to himself, but he has passed the point of no return where he needs to be back on regular dose of meds.

Do I get involved and inform his P, or do I leave things, knowing that there is going to be a major dysregulation?

I was actively involved with his team before and I was worn out by the time services realised how serious his risks were.

I know I have a sense of accountability here as the non ill person, my procrastination is because I don't want to make things worse for myself or our s7. I know what worse looks like.

I feel stuck and I don't know why?

I can really relate to feeling quite fragile at the moment, that's really hard for me to admit... .I feel concerned about the projections and accusations, like I don't have the emotional energy to protect myself against them.

[Daisy23]

I hear how you're feeling so overwhelmed - with every reason to. I'm not dealing with the drugs and psychosis as you are but I feel as you do with my BPDh and BPD members of his family. I know a major part of the answer is to build ourselves up internally. I've been dwelling on how exhausted I am by the BPDs in my life and how unsure and helpless I get to feeling sometimes.

I do affirmations (a la Louise Hay). I do daily relaxation and guided visualization - a great time out for me. My mantra this week is "I see my power." I know I have a choice to either see my power or my overwhelmedness and this mantra helps me.

It sounds a bit like you feel a need to rescue your husband - and boy do I get that. But I know every one of us here needs to rescue ourselves first and foremost. Sending you hugs and hope!

[Cat Familiar]

He may well have wanted me to find them. I have not addressed the tablets with him, which leads me to my dilemma;

My h has a clear trajectory of escalating symptoms when taking antipsychotic erratically. He is already well entrenched at the persecutory belief stage. He is so brittle it as though he has been flayed, it is only a short hop to active psychosis, I could hear him muttering expletives under his breath last night which is another warning sign. At this point he has no insight and any attempt with trying to address the issue sets him up as a victim, but one who's life is in danger.

He is not at the point where he is a risk to others and neither to himself, but he has passed the point of no return where he needs to be back on regular dose of meds.

Do I get involved and inform his P, or do I leave things, knowing that there is going to be a major dysregulation?

I was actively involved with his team before and I was worn out by the time services realised how serious his risks were.

I know I have a sense of accountability here as the non ill person, my procrastination is because I don't want to make things worse for myself or our s7. I know what worse looks like.

I feel stuck and I don't know why?

I can really relate to feeling quite fragile at the moment, that's really hard for me to admit... .I feel concerned about the projections and accusations, like I don't have the emotional energy to protect myself against them.

Sweetheart, I'm seeing your situation as similar to preemptively calling the police or EMS prior to DV or a suicide threat. You want him to be accountable for taking his meds. He hasn't been and you're seeing the results. In this case, calling his P seems like a good idea, since you know how it's likely to unfold in coming days.

Currently your coping abilities have been stretched thin, so with what you know is coming, isn't now a good time to intervene before it gets worse?

 

[babyducks]

He is not at the point where he is a risk to others and neither to himself, but he has passed the point of no return where he needs to be back on regular dose of meds.

Do I get involved and inform his P, or do I leave things, knowing that there is going to be a major dysregulation?

This is a new P correct?  One that you do not have a rapport with ?

I was actively involved with his team before and I was worn out by the time services realised how serious his risks were.

I know I have a sense of accountability here as the non ill person, my procrastination is because I don't want to make things worse for myself or our s7. I know what worse looks like.

I feel stuck and I don't know why?

I can really relate to feeling quite fragile at the moment, that's really hard for me to admit... .I feel concerned about the projections and accusations, like I don't have the emotional energy to protect myself against them.

I think it's important to honor and respect our limits and feelings.   I think it's me being dishonest to myself to not say "hey I am tired of this.  I need a break.   I am afraid of the next bout of disorder.  right now I am pretty used up."

I think you intervene if there is no penalty to yourself or your son, as those are your primary responsibilities.   

If there is a huge penalty to yourself or your son, I would be cautious about your approach.

does that make sense?

[sweetheart]

I think as I work through this in the thread, I am beginning to realise I don't want to do this the same way as before. It was so tough and I'm not sure my involvement with services made that much of a difference.

When it came down to it, when he was actively psychotic and held persecutory delusions about me, services still thought they were true. I still had to involve a L.

I realised yesterday I spent about 18 months trying to disprove a negative  :'(.

'ducks you're right, my involvement before was massively triggering for my h, it reinforced his persecutory paranoid thoughts about me. This made our lives at home just horrendous. I was constantly firefighting and loosing because he was psychotic.

What I learnt the hard way was how to put me and our son first. It took long while to get here.

I've been feeling myself pulled toward disproving those negatives again, like there was no other choice but to put my husbands mental health needs first.

This doesn't mean I would ever place any of us at risk of harm. The risks are the easy visible bits, everyone can see them.

cat I just want to say there's no DV in our relationship. My h has a history of violent defensive behaviours when psychotic, but nothing aimed at me or son.

[empath]

Do you have to be at home with him as he is making some choices that create instability for your and your son? Can you temporarily get a break from the environment at home?

[Cat Familiar]

I'd like to second empath's suggestion. I can understand why this is so hard for you. You can see him winding up for a breakdown and there's nothing that you can feasibly do to stop it. My husband gets paranoid too, not to that extent, but I can see why you wouldn't want to get involved in the way you did before.

I didn't mean to insinuate that there was DV or suicide threats, rather I thought of a preemptive intervention like in those circumstances, but I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to initiate that.

[sweetheart]

My son and I are fine. I know it must sound weird to you all, but the only intact, positive relationship my h has is with our son. I have never been able to work it out, but I'm glad it's that way. They adore each other. It's like my h saves every well bit of himself for our son. Is always been that way.

The struggle which caused me to feel so fragile was whether to intervene as I have done in the past, and I suppose rescue h. What stopped me was knowing I didn't have the emotional reserves to do it again.

I realise now that I don't want to because my intervention initiates the conflict that is then in our home and directed at me. That was how it was before, I thought I could save him. I couldn't.

I felt pulled toward saving him again and saying what he isn't saying to his mental health team.

It's very hard watching someone you love just exist day to day.

I feel very much better today, so thank you all for your input it's really helped me come out the other side of my dilemma.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, there will be a next time. Past history shows that. Unless he gets serious help, and takes serious responsibility, and wants to change, there will be a next time. I'm so sorry. BPDh has sort of done this to me in marriage therapy before. He blames and projects instead of looking at his part of the equation. It's hurtful and incredibly frustrating.

Would it be better for you if you didn't sit in on his therapy? He'd still do it, but maybe not hearing it might be better. I sort of feel badly either way, because I know he'd badmouthing me, but the times I did go, at least I knew what crap he was saying.

It's hard to deal with so much blame. My husband is a blamer, and high conflict too. He goes between not wanting any confrontation, to making confrontation. It's like he'll do things to create chaos.

I think your feelings and reactions are normal. I think when we no longer feel this stuff is hurtful, we've probably become as unhealthy as they are. It's also scary when they are able to often manipulate their therapists. I've seen it happen with BPDh a couple different times. Sure, he doesn't act all crazy in therapy! I sure wish they could see how he really behaves though.

Hugs to you, you are not alone.

[sweetheart]

Hi CB,

You're absolutely right about sitting in - I made the decision after the appointment not to do it again.  He will project and split anyway, I just don't need to be there to direct it at 

It's all about detaching for me, just letting the illness run it's course, my h sort of goes in cycles.

I also wonder if my inching towards a bit of rescuing was starting to trigger my h, not sure might have felt controlling to him.

Had a really lovely day today with son and grandma, feeling much more relaxed.