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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Difficult to live with husband with BPD  (Read 397 times)
Barny68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: January 27, 2016, 02:57:24 PM »

Hello, I'm married to a man who is BPD. I have an eight year old son who is asd and adhd. The problem I have is my husband often falls out with my son when he's quiet with him (he treats him like an adult). I have found it very hard dealing with my husband who can be very verbally cruel and go into silent sulks with both of us. My son doesn't understand and I worry about the long term effect this will have on him. I love my husband but feel I am staying with him at the cost of my sons and mines mental well being. Does anybody have any advice so we are not as affected by our situation?
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Surfergirl88

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2016, 06:16:27 PM »

I just want to send my warm wishes to you.
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an0ught
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2016, 11:09:04 AM »

Hi  Barny68,

it is difficult dealing with a spouse with BPD and it can affect yourself much  . It is even harder trying to protect others.  .

Excerpt
Does anybody have any advice so we are not as affected by our situation?

A lot depends on circumstances e.g. whether your H or son is in therapy. Considering your son is dealing with adhd maybe him having access to an outside anchor may help?

Excerpt
I have found it very hard dealing with my husband who can be very verbally cruel and go into silent sulks with both of us.

The strategies outlined in the LESSONS help dealing with most of this quite effectively when employed consistently. Little tolerance for over the top verbal cruelty and consistent use of boundaries here can stop escalation of abusive behavior in the situation and over time. Validation can help soothing your H but also helping your son to better make sense of own and foreign chaotic and confusing emotions. You can't really stop anyone from sulking but when you start enforcing boundaries your inner attitude will change and it becomes easier to feel in line with reality: It is really his childish problem. 

Welcome,

a0
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Barny68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2016, 11:30:16 AM »

Thank you the advice. It actually helps a lot. I will read the lessons section and get some strategies.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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EmotionalWarfare

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 45



« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2016, 11:40:44 AM »

Hi Barny68,

anOught passed along some very good advice and a great place to start.  I find the lessons very helpful and refer back to them frequently because as I struggle to remove my emotional reaction and employ the interventions outlined in the lessons I find the water becomes murky at times.  This is because I start to revert back to an emotional response rather than the therapeutic response that I should offer.  

It's very difficult to accept at first.  I too struggle to regulate my emotions.  For me it seems to be a difficult dance of detaching my emotions but not becoming too emotionally detached.  There is a balance that seems to elude me so far but I refuse to give up.   Smiling (click to insert in post) I was initially in the denial stage but am now caught between grieving and acceptance.  I go back and forth but it is getting easier.  The lessons here are very helpful.  I can not stress this enough.  There is much strength and self confidence to be gained by interacting in the posts and reading the lessons.  I encourage you.  I believe in you.  There are many good people here dealing with similar problems or situations.  WE all have your back.  Good luck
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Barny68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2016, 12:13:27 PM »

That's very comforting to know. The advice seems to mean we have to give in an awful lot but I can see how it will help live with a BPD partner. All your advice is valuable and I am so glad I found you all. Thank you  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Daisy23

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 40


« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2016, 12:56:55 PM »

What a challenge it must be to co-parent with a BPD. I think about how many parents are in this situation and aren't aware of the issue - how can they try to support their kids. So your awareness is a big plus for your son's development.

I read a book entitled "Surviving a Borderline Parent." It's for adults but it gives a lot of insight, esp. in Chapter 1, about what children might Take away from the BPDp's behaviors - how it affects their view of the world and themselves.

Years ago I read research (out of Harvard) revealing that to become resilient every child needs just one person in their life to support and accept them along the way. Have faith in your commitment to your son's well-being. I was a school counselor for many years and I can tell you that I've gotten to know plenty of kids who dealt with tough issues like these when they were young and they grew into amazing teenagers! They all had one supportive, accepting adult in their lives but they also learned about their own strengths in the process.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Barny68

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2016, 02:01:53 PM »

Wow. That's just bought a tear to my eye. I'm feeling positive. I get very protective of my son with his conditions and struggle with him having a BPD parent on top of that.  But I guess I will just keep doing what I'm doing but try and understand BPD a bit more. It's a cruel condition to have. Thank you all again. The best support I could ever of come across Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Mustbeabetterway
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2016, 02:36:34 PM »

Hi Barny68!  I totally understand.  I have been married to my uBPDh for over 30 years.  It has been very difficult to coparent with a pwnpd considering the emotional difficulties, etc.  i made a conscious decision to have one child only because I knew in my heart that I would be doing the bulk of parenting.  Luckily, my spouse has been a very hard worker and excellent provider.

Our grown daughter says her childhood was good and credits me with keeping things steady and supporting her emotionally.  She also appreciates the sacrifices her dad made to provide for us.

So, I agree with Daisy 23 that having someone always supporting and in your corner is what every child needs. 

You can be that person. You can't be perfect,  let yourself off the hook for that.  But, be steady, steady and dependable. 


Also, something I had to learn and am still learning is to let their relationship be their relationship (not allowing abuse, but communication).  Both of them try to put me in the middle.  Also,  it is easy to lean on an only child because you both are the only people living this exact set of circumstances. Get a therapist, supportive friends and others - church family, etc.  because, as a wife of a pwBPD you will  need it.

Keep your sense of humor
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