Push/chase games Setting boundaries?

[cm3557]

My BPD boyfriend will act out- example: we had a date to a concert, things were great, Having a good time,  thenhe suddenly gets a low depressive mood coming on.   This turns into him getting frustrated and running out of the the bar without me and down the street. I went after him saying "what are you doing? Stop- lets just get in the car"' he proceeds to continue walking saying "get away from me, leave me alone, I can't believe you would do this to me, im not getting in the car, im going to lose it, leave me alone"  So i let him go and drove home.

After a couple hours I sent this text

" I love you and hope that you're okay.

I understand you weren't feeling well tonight, and how difficult it can be for you. However, I wish there would have been a better way to handle this evening -abandoning me in the bar then ditching me on the street in the middle of our date really embarrassed me and hurt my feelings.

I'm going to go to sleep. Again, I hope you're okay. goodnight."

His response:  calls and breaks up with me. Says I'm selfish and made it all about me. Said I "abandoned him".  "How could you just go home?" When I reminded him he pushed me away and told me to leave him alone  he tells me I should have driven to his house. "How could you not come after me when you knew I was upset and I needed you".

This keeps happening over and over! He pushes me away because he wants me to chase him and validate him and play some crazy game. When I don't play along he throws a fit and says I "abandon him" and don't really love him and the acting out escalates. He breaks up with me or threatens suicide etc. It's exhausting!

I'm afraid that if I set this boundary and don't "chase after" my BPD boyfriend ___ will hit the fan or he will completely withdraw.

We've been together a year and he is on medication and in therapy which he occasionally brings me to. I am trying to be supportive and loving as he works through some difficult things with his BPD and depression.

How can I end this chase cycle and refuse to play his crazy making games without being accused of "abandoning" being "unloving" or "unsupportive"?

I don't want to lose him but I'm also tired of his accusations, unacceptable behavior and his expectation for me to read his mind and just know what he needs. He says "I should know what he needs and what he wants even when he is doing the opposite" because I understand BPD and what he's going through - he thinks it's completely acceptable to act out like that because of his disease, and that any other response besides chasing after him is unacceptable.  If I don't play the game and stay firm will I lose the relationship?

I've told him that when he feels that way to please say "Im feeling fragile and need your support right now" and I will be there for him! He says he can't say that because of his BPD. So instead he attacks me "you don't love me", "you don't care", etc etc on and on and wants me to jump through hoops, kick his door down, fight for him so he feels like I love him and am "there for him". It makes no sense. I understand the origin, and why he's doing it- but this cycle can't continue and I am hoping for help to cope with the situation so it does not escalate into full blown crazy like it has been! I don't want to be manipulated into giving love and affection and validation! But I'm guilted if I don't! It's a nasty cycle. Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello cm,

Here is a link to help you explore the push pull dynamic https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0

I have a couple of suggestions that might help as a start with the incident you describe and when similar incidents occur.

With BPD less is ALWAYS more  , so if your bf is already dysregulating, if you are out and he runs off, let him and go home.

Your text was great, just loose the middle bit, so... .'I love you and hope that you're ok, I'm going to sleep now night, goodnight x' and then go to sleep and contact him in the morning as normal, but do not initiate a conversation about the night before.

The risk of course as you are aware is that when you use the communication techniques that work like SET, and put boundaries in place, is that he will withdraw completely.

Your fear is one that many, many members here share, and I understand it, but your fear keeps you stuck in the cycle of conflict.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

By exiting the push pull dynamic you regain control over your part of the dysfunction.

Have a read and come back and talk about what you want your boundaries to look like. Remember your boundaries are just for you, you don't have to discuss them with your bf.

[babyducks]

Hi cm3557

and

I'm glad you are asking such good questions.    What I have found to be true for me is if I chase my partners mood, twist myself into a pretzel trying to match her ability to understand and interact, I end up exhausted and frustrated.   It doesn't work.   

I can't make my partner understand anything about what I did, said or thought.  All I can be is very very certain that I did the right thing for the right reasons and that I am comfortable in my own skin.

How can I end this chase cycle and refuse to play his crazy making games without being accused of "abandoning" being "unloving" or "unsupportive"?

I don't want to lose him but I'm also tired of his accusations, unacceptable behavior and his expectation for me to read his mind and just know what he needs. He says "I should know what he needs and what he wants even when he is doing the opposite" because I understand BPD and what he's going through - he thinks it's completely acceptable to act out like that because of his disease, and that any other response besides chasing after him is unacceptable.  If I don't play the game and stay firm will I lose the relationship?

There is no way to guarantee what will happen in the relationship if you change how you respond.  It's pretty easy to guarantee that if you don't change how you respond you will keep getting exactly what you are getting now.

what do you think?

'ducks 

[coworkerfriend]

CM - what you described is what I have lived with on and off for years.  It used to happen all the time - now it is just every few months.  We had literally the exact incident happen in November.  He went off that he can't believe I didn't follow him home and make him get in the car.  He was beyond furious at how selfish I am - how he needed me and I turned my back on him.  That dysregulation period lasted a week to 10 days. 

If he says, leave me alone.  I do exactly that.  I do not try to change or fix the situation.  I take him at his word that he wants to be alone.  He does get very mad - says the exact things your pwBPD says to you. Last night, my pwBPD left upset and mad over something. As I sit here right now, I can't even remember what upset him.  He said he can't stand the sight of me and needs to be alone.  I left him alone.  He texted me an apology before bed and asked why I didn't stop over. I texted back Good Night.

He apologized again today and he told me that when he gets like that I should try harder to force him out of feeling like that.  I just listened - there was nothing I could say that would have helped in that conversation.  In the past, I would try so hard to change or fix the situation.

We had a good day - we were talking and laughing - I thought it was going to be a good night. At 5:30, he said he missed me and wanted to spend time with me tonight.  By 6:30, he said he is sick of me and sick of waiting and needs to be alone.

I can't say I don't struggle with wanting to go over to see him and try to make it better.  I struggle to not let it hurt my feelings.  I really struggle with that.   He tells me all the time it isn't me - logically I hear his words - emotionally it isn't easy. I struggle with the guilt - I know he is mentally ill and I worry I give him a pass too much and it makes the cycle continue on.  I try to start each day fresh but I am very worn down. 

Your text is one I have sent many times - I learned over time to leave out the middle part.  Less is always more in our world. 

I wanted you to know that I could have typed out your post so many times and you are not alone in this.

You are in control to break the cycle.  But it isn't easy.

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

With BPD less is ALWAYS more  , so if your bf is already dysregulating, if you are out and he runs off, let him and go home.

Could you please explain a little about why less is always more?

Thanks

[babyducks]

With BPD less is ALWAYS more  , so if your bf is already dysregulating, if you are out and he runs off, let him and go home.

Could you please explain a little about why less is always more?

Thanks

Hi woof,

I'm not sure exactly what sweetheart had in mind but I can take a swing at this.   To use cm3557's original post for an example:

you are on a date, at a concert and your SO's mood swings.    your SO gets frustrated and abruptly leaves the date.   

One response (and I am NOT saying CM did this) is "WOW what's wrong?   What did I do?   How could you just walk out and leave me like that?   Are you okay?   What were you thinking?   What do you mean I abandoned you?   You walked out on me.   Can't you see how I feel?"

CM's text was actually much more like a "less is more" response.   "I hope you are okay.   I am upset too by how the night ended.   I am going to sleep now and will talk with you later."

To me 'less is more' is a shorthand way of saying take energy and emotion out of situation.   People with BPD have highly intense difficult to control emotions,  if your emotions raise to meet theirs you are in a way pouring gas on the fire.   

It doesn't mean stifling what you truly think, or being dishonest.  It means picking your moment and paying attention to the level of the 'emotional temperature' in the room.

does this help?

'ducks

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

With BPD less is ALWAYS more  , so if your bf is already dysregulating, if you are out and he runs off, let him and go home.

Could you please explain a little about why less is always more?

Thanks

Hi woof,

I'm not sure exactly what sweetheart had in mind but I can take a swing at this.   To use cm3557's original post for an example:

you are on a date, at a concert and your SO's mood swings.    your SO gets frustrated and abruptly leaves the date.   

One response (and I am NOT saying CM did this) is "WOW what's wrong?   What did I do?   How could you just walk out and leave me like that?   Are you okay?   What were you thinking?   What do you mean I abandoned you?   You walked out on me.   Can't you see how I feel?"

CM's text was actually much more like a "less is more" response.   "I hope you are okay.   I am upset too by how the night ended.   I am going to sleep now and will talk with you later."

To me 'less is more' is a shorthand way of saying take energy and emotion out of situation.   People with BPD have highly intense difficult to control emotions,  if your emotions raise to meet theirs you are in a way pouring gas on the fire.   

It doesn't mean stifling what you truly think, or being dishonest.  It means picking your moment and paying attention to the level of the 'emotional temperature' in the room.

does this help?

'ducks

helpful, thanks!

[cm3557]

Thank you all for the replies. Very helpful! 

[Jessica84]

To me 'less is more' is a shorthand way of saying take energy and emotion out of situation.   People with BPD have highly intense difficult to control emotions,  if your emotions raise to meet theirs you are in a way pouring gas on the fire.   

This ^^ was the hardest lesson for me to learn! I found it can ONLY be done when we control our own emotional temperature. Mine used to flare up in these situations - panic, anxiety, fear - led to me over-explaining or burdening him with my own feelings/emotions when his cup was already too full to handle them. Takes a lot of practice staying calm when things go haywire, esp. if you've been prone to anxiety from all this. Staying calm gets a little easier once you understood what is happening.

[Saradane]

Hi CM  ,

My BPD partner does things very similar. Just the other night we were in NC and she calls me drunk begging me to pick her up. I did and brought her back to her place, and after she tried convincing me to stay and was mad when I said no, she tried to walk back to the bar and drunk drive home. I make the mistake by not allowing her to do so and to take her back to my place, where we argued and fought, she name called me, and that was that. The next morning after dropping her off and her continuing to insult me, she called me within an hour and asked to hang out. She told me she loved me, that she was sorry, and we had a good day after.