Stress and Our Perceptions of a Situation - might help

[Daisy23]

As the daughter and only child of a BPDmom I usually overlook how those early painful lessons still influence the way I perceive the challenges I face today with my BPDh and his family.

So I saw this quote today and had one of those light bulb moments. Maybe you will too.

       "Stress is dependent upon our perceptions of how difficult a task is."

        (Richard and Karilee Shames in their book, Thyroid Power)

Wow. Of course my perceptions of my current situation are still at least partly (mostly at this point) influenced by how completely disempowered, trapped, and crazy I felt around my mother - even when I used to think of her after she died seven years ago (I was 48). I perceive the tasks of trying to deal with my husband, stepdaughter, sister-in- law through the eyes of my past - which makes dealing with these  relationships seem so burdensome and toxic.

I know we can update our perceptions - see the present without the past, but what's the best way? What works?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jessica84]

Good question. Easier said than done. Distraction (work, chores, projects) or meditation (doing nothing) both help me, in different ways. It's about clearing your mind of the clutter. Getting perspective.

Staying busy forces you to focus on something else, so you can return to the problem with a clearer head. Meditating lets your brain slow down until your thoughts stop racing, so you can have a fresh outlook. Scrubbing a tub or spending 3-5 minutes sitting still can do wonders for me. Plus, I like a clean tub 

My mom is my stress expert. Big on alternative healing. I grew up hearing things like:

If you can't change a situation, change how you look at it - or- change how you let it affect you

Our bodies were meant to handle stress, not to store it

Stress is a dis-ease - so ease yourself from it



These quotes echo in my head like a tape-recorder...

[Cat Familiar]

I, too, was an only child of a BPD mother.    It's tough to be the focus of so much disordered energy.

I don't think we can escape the past, but we can realize the gifts we have received from going through difficult times. In my case, I became a very analytical thinker, after observing my mother's run amok emotions. And I became very observational about other people, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

Perhaps your husband, stepdaughter and sister-in-law are toxic people. And having to relate to them is burdensome. That may be reality. Lot of people are very difficult and it's hard when you have to interact with several difficult people in one family.

My husband can be very difficult and I've grieved the fact that the persona he presented at the beginning of our relationship, and the one I fell in love with, was who he wants to be, but he can't maintain that persona. Sure, he can pretend to be that person for limited periods of time to other people, but he no longer feels the need to do that for me because he knows I've seen the man behind the costume.

So, I'm learning through Radical Acceptance to accept who he is. It's difficult. I feel really disappointed and deceived, but he does have a lot of good qualities, and that's something I can't say about my first husband. So it's an improvement, but I thought he was something quite different from who he is and that's something that I continue to grieve and miss and feel angry about at times.

Another part of Radical Acceptance is to accept your own feelings. Yes, I'm sad, angry, disappointed and that's OK. If I let myself fully feel those feelings, they change over time. But I cannot just wish them away. I have to let them be and then they become something else. It's a journey... .

[babyducks]

I know we can update our perceptions - see the present without the past, but what's the best way? What works?

Hi Daisy23,

Nice to have you with us.

For me, one of the key things is to be careful about what language I use to describe things to myself.   The words I choose to speak in my head frame my world view.    If I describe something as 'the most horrible difficult painful thing in the world' well I have colored my attitude and created an environment that is negative,   If I describe the very same event as 'challenging, fraught, loaded with nuance and complexity' I am already one step ahead of the game.

Nice topic.

'ducks

[Ceruleanblue]

Catfamiliar: Everything you stated, I agree with. It IS hard having several different difficult people in your life. My two kids can be difficult, and BPDh is beyond merely "difficult". The part I most relate to though is all you said about your husband. I too feel duped, and felt I even knew what to look for, but he put on a persona. I've mostly worked though my emotions of that, but I too have moments where they'll resurface.

He likely wishes he could be that person, but it's hard to maintain a facade. I just wish, and fervently hope, that DBT will help my husband not have to "fake it" anymore, and he finds some peace. Today was my bday, and he dysregulated, and blamed me for his dysregulation. It lasted hours, and the day is pretty much shot now. I will get out of a bad mood relatively quickly, but he can stay angry, and wallow for hours, days, weeks.

I just try to focus on the good. I used to let him sort of bring me down, but I no longer let them happen to that degree it used to. My perceptions affect how I see the world, and my thinking does too. I try to replace negative thoughts with happy ones, and I try to see the hurt behind someone's angry or mean behaviors. It still doesn't make their actions okay, but at least I can try to relate, and look for the hurt behind the acting out. It's much healthier for ME, than to just think of them as a bad person.

[Cat Familiar]

I just try to focus on the good. I used to let him sort of bring me down, but I no longer let them happen to that degree it used to. My perceptions affect how I see the world, and my thinking does too. I try to replace negative thoughts with happy ones, and I try to see the hurt behind someone's angry or mean behaviors. It still doesn't make their actions okay, but at least I can try to relate, and look for the hurt behind the acting out. It's much healthier for ME, than to just think of them as a bad person.

I admire you Ceruleanblue. You've been through a lot and to maintain a positive outlook is admirable.     Sorry about your husband's dysregulation today. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday nonetheless!   

[Daisy23]

All of your words are so helpful. So much wisdom.

Radical Acceptance - right up my alley now. Is there a book on that?

[Cat Familiar]

There's a book on Radical Acceptance www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990 I haven't read it so I can't recommend it.

Here's an article from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

Yes, I'm starting to accept the "how it is" in my life, sometimes grudgingly, knowing that things don't remain the same. Change is always awaiting us.

[Daisy23]

Thanks Cat Familiar!

And it helps so much to feel understood!