Depression anyone? Not coping very well

[EmotionalWarfare]

Heaven of death and mercy come take me from this cage!

I have been married 21 years to my uBPDw.  First off, I love her.  :)early!  For years I felt unimportant, unloved,(or at least like the love was conditional), unsupported, etc, etc.  We have an adopted son who has grown up to be diagnosed anti-social personality disorder.  So for many years the chaos was him, and all focus was primarily on him.  He was such a handful.  Total chaos 24/7.  He is no longer in our house and it is now that I have identified my wife's BPD tendencies.  I come to this realization about 2 years ago.  So many things have just clicked.  I feel as tho I nearly have a degree in psychology thru the numerous T appts I accompanied my son thru.  I read many books and feel quite versed in psychology.  And because of all of this my wife would never hear of going to a T and would probably murder me if I ever even hinted she has BPD traits .(even tho, at times I feel she knows something is wrong)

Anyway, my question is.  :)o any of you take antidepressants?  I know it is kind of personal, I'm sorry for that.  I really feel like I need something.  I feel so sad all the time.  But who wouldn't living with a pwBPD?  I often wonder this.  Would an antidepressant help me feel better?  I feel much of this is having no support system.  No outlet other than exercise.  I talk to no one about any of this.  SO often I just wish my feelings could be validated.  I am so tired of stuffing whatever I think or feel deep down to avoid fights.  My wife makes most any conversation about her.  And if it is something she has done that has upset me, I can't address it without her either completely going postal or she seems to understand but then twists things to make any situation about her and like I'm dumb for feeling the way I feel.  I feel so empty.  Really really empty.  I'm just not sure if an antidepressant will help because much of my sadness stems from not having the most basic needs met that every healthy human needs.  Often the conversation in the evenings is dominated by my w and all of her whoas. SO often I say virtually nothing on behalf of myself.  I validate her feelings and try my best to keep her in a good place while totally feeling neglected.  I ,more frequently than I would like to admit, silently cry myself to sleep at night.  Anyone else have any suggestions?

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[waverider]

I went through a very depressed stage around about the time I realized the issue was BPD, when we were in the midst of alcoholism and medication abuse.

Since I have been making progress this has reduced to occasional frustration.

Focusing on yourself will help you work through the depression. Having been so focused on your son, and now realization the problems are transferred to your wife you are too finely tuned to mental illness and just living your life has taken too far of a back seat

[JQ]

Hello EW, 

To answer your question ... .no I do not take meds. However before I retired from the military I was damned neared ordered to take the meds from PTSD & adjustment issues from an injury I sustained.  It's pretty cool to see a doc who's an officer being told NO I'm not going to take them from a senior enlisted person ... .hehehe. 

Instead of putting myself in a coma / fog I decided to go more natural and I would suggest at least give it a try.  First of all, you're probably NOT and probably haven't been eating right ... .so stop eating junk food or fast food because nothing good would come from that including your poo     You have to keep a since of humor to get out of your doldrums!  Take a multivitamin because they're is no way you can be eating all the food you need to get all the vitamins you need to heal mind, body & soul.

Then get out of your house & take a walk. Take a mile walk ... .it gets the GOOD endorphins running through your body and helps reduce your stress level more then you think. You don't have to do it fast ... .even in my broke condition it takes about 25 minutes on a bad day. Don't tell me you don't have time, get up 30 minutes before you normally do, put on you sweats that you laid out the night before and get that walk in. Take some music to listen too to help ... .you would be amazed how much that will help too.

Get outside when the sun is up ... .natural light hits your brain and improves your mood & behavior via more good endorphins!  When I was stationed in Seattle the doc would tell us to put in 100watt lightbulbs to help with depression. Try to get the natural light lightbulbs  vise the soft lightbulbs ... .that'll help too.

Then call an old friend you haven't talked to in some time to catch up. It's the New Year so see how they're doing ... .this will help your soul catching up with someone.

Enjoy the small things in life ... .on you walk listen to kids playing ... .feel the breeze on your face ... .enjoy the sun in your eyes and enjoy the moment that you're taking for yourself ... .destress yourself ... .this time is yours and no one can take it away from you!

You probably aren't sleeping well ... .so when you go to pick up those vitamins, pick up some Melatonin you can find it next to the vitamins. DON'T WORRY ITS NOT A DRUG! It's a natural supplement that your body helps you get drowsy to fall asleep ... .the incredible stress & depression plays a role in not sleeping ... .this should help. I take 20-30mgs a night depending how tired I am ... .if it's good enough for active duty people to take it with flight surgeon approval ... .trust me I couldn't take aspirin without his approval.

You're being zapped of your mental and physical energy from your BPDw by what you said ... ."I feel so empty."  "Really really empty." "SO often I say virtually nothing on behalf of myself.  I validate her feelings and try my best to keep her in a good place while totally feeling neglected."    YOU need to take care of YOURSELF!  YOU NEED TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST FOR ONCE!  YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness! YOU are NOT responsible for her flying monkey's when she lets them out of her cages.  IF YOU DON'T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... .WHO WILL?   

If you do all these every day ... .for 30 days it'll become a habit and you'll start to feel better. These are some baby steps forward on your journey to self discovery and living a better, happier and healthier life!  No one can walk this journey for you EW ... .you stumble come here ... .someone will be there to give you a hand up, dust you off. Then it will be up to YOU to continue down the path you're on. YOU can choose the path to the right and see where that leads you or you can sit back down and do nothing ... .THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

I watched my father health go down hill & died before he was 50 after living with my mother who was a BPD. I now see my mothers s/o health go down hill after 20 years ... .BPD s/o health is directly affected and they tend not to live as long because of the years of mental, physical, emotional abuse ... .don't kid yourself ... .it's taking a toll on your health.

I wish you peace and all the strength to move forward and to heal yourself on  your journey of self discovery.

JQ

[EmotionalWarfare]

Thanks WR & JQ.

You're right WR.  For too long I have not tended to my needs or been allowed to live my life.  I have to reclaim this.  I hope you're right and this is a phase.  Because once my son was out I felt like I might have a glimmer of hope.  But he often threatens to kill me.  He tells me of his thoughts and how he can't stop thinking about "blowing my head off".  There have been many ways he's mentioned of killing me over the years.  When he is homicidal it is 99% of the time me he wants to kill.  I am fairly convinced that my death will be related some act of my son and his illness.  It happens too much in this country.  He is a diagnosed schizophrenic with an anti-social personality disorder.  He has auditory and visual hallucinations.  Dealing with him has been a total nightmare and now he is completely off his medications.  It's a long story, and too personal to ever go into here.

Anyway, with my son out it left me more time with my wife.  My son was no longer the center of our lives.  Thru all the books, T appts, etc, etc I have learned a lot.  I was alarmed when I started connecting the dots in relation to BPD and my wife.  I just saddens me to know this is another disorder.  On one hand it comforts me to feel maybe all the things in our past and present aren't as personal as once thought to be but on the other hand I thought I was gaining my life back.  I thought my wife and I could reconnect.  Now, knowing this is BPD I feel another huge loss.  My wife's family is probably one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever witnessed.  I don't want a dysfunctional family. 

JQ, thanks for your suggestions.  I'm actually a pretty healthy individual.  I am very active in the form of exercise.  I've been compared to the likes of John Cena, Goldburg, and most recently Batista by one of the security guards where my wife works.  (I had to google batista to see who he was.  )  I don't eat fast food or junk food.  I hardly watch any TV because I prefer to be busy doing things.  However, my sleep is very interrupted.  I don't sleep well at all.  I may take your advice on the melatonin. Thanks!  I'm familiar with this herbal but have not tried it.  I'm not excited about being prescribed any meds. I really don't want to go that route.  I'm 45 and so far the only meds I take is related to having asthma.   I'm pretty healthy.  But I don't want to die an early death.  I do often feel this life is killing me.  I just need to put on my big boy pants, stop whining and be a man!~  Thanks for taking the time to read my post and to respond.  Thank you