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Author Topic: New to having a BPD partner  (Read 409 times)
placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« on: January 28, 2016, 09:45:13 PM »

Hello! Im not sure what to post, but i'd like to remain as anonymous as possible.

I didnt want to be posting on a message board but ive been in a very loving relationship with my partner. They're leagues better than my ex (my ex was physically and verbally abusive.)

We're long distance but we do make it work. We call, facetime, webcam, when we have the time to. We even met in real life, and we both had a blast.

Recently though they've gone through a mental health plummet, so to speak. I know i cannot cure it, i know i didnt cause it. but I just want to understand how i can help them more, especially should we ever move in together or even get married. As it is they cannot afford help/refuse to seek help, and im not the type to really make them go to help, even if they need it. They have never ever been abusive or manipulative in their episodes but they did say some mean things in an episode once. It was a one time thing.

They have BPD and depression, and the two make them not even want to shower or get out of bed. I feel helpless with our distance, I've even had them talk to friends who have learned how to cope with splitting and such. I dont know what to do. i feel bad admitting that, as they've helped me through some hard times in my life. I just need help. I love them a lot.


EDIT: I might have posted in the wrong thread, i dont think we are near a breakup but they talk a lot about leaving everybody and not coming back, and have mentioned a break up once before.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2016, 11:31:37 PM »

Hello placebicstar,

Welcome

It sounds like you care about your partner a lot, but the recent plummet is concerning. Any idea what triggered it?

We do have a lot of info which can help (see to the right of the board in the margin).

What specifically, are you have trouble with? Validating feelings? This can be tricky as we can often invalidate while wanting to help. Check out this info from the lessons to start:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Turkish

p.s. your post is now on the Improving board
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2016, 12:23:29 AM »

I'm not sure what exactly triggered it... .i had mentioned that the night before i felt extremely lonely because i missed being in real life with them. They had said they missed me too a lot but they said they had too much to do at work and nobody was helping. they also mentioned they were splitting on one of my friends, having a hard time keeping it in and then suddenly feeling like nobody cares about them. and it spiraled down from there and its been ongoing for about a week now. usually their episodes will last 2-3 days at best but this has been the longest one.

we have also unfortunately been arguing a lot during this. and this is the first and only time they've said abusive things to me and it caught me off guard, because when they're fine they think I'm a good person, accept me for my flaws, all that lovey dovey stuff. but im willing to try and help them and get them help if i can, because i care a lot about our relationship and i know they feel the same.

a lot of the time when i say nice things and compliment them, they tell me they dont believe it and they deserve to be alone and have no friends or anything.

(ill read the links, and thank you for moving my post!)
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2016, 12:50:43 AM »

How did you respond?
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2016, 01:04:18 AM »

Well when it first started i asked if i needed to step away, or if there was anything i could do to relieve stress. they lashed out and ignored me for a better part of the day.

When they said the abusive stuff it caught me off guard, so i took it personally despite knowing they didnt mean it. I felt hurt and then they realized what they said they figured i could never get over it and they have to leave forever, stuff like that. I talked them out of leaving, I dont know if it was what i should have done. thats not saying i didnt want them around but, i really dont know how BPD makes a person work inside.

And when i give them compliments they're very convinced they dont deserve them. They're convinced nobody cares at all.

In the middle of all this we had a good day, like a good day where would call and facetime, be affectionate, it caught me off guard as well, but i was glad we had it.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2016, 01:52:30 AM »

One facet of BPD is emotional dysregulation. This is easy to see. A hidden facet is a core sense of shame "I'm a bad person." This often translates into behaviors which telegraph, "why does this person even love me or treat me well? I'm unlovable." Cue anger and dysregulation (uncontrollable during episodes). Projection and splitting. Validating the emotion tells someone that they feel heard. It can go a long way towards reducing anger. Read through the validation lessons and let me know if they make sense. The shortest and most simple tool is S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.  This might help as well:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

T
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2016, 03:00:50 AM »

Okay... .I'll keep a tab on these links for my own reference when i need it. ill continue to do what i can, and try to work a little on listening and validation and reassurance.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2016, 04:04:12 AM »

It's good not to "lose yourself" in this too. While we can do or not do things to trigger or not trigger our loved ones, we are ultimately not responsible for their feelings. A person with BPD may be lead to the, through the journey of therapy, but it's harsh to say now, even if true.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2016, 05:31:54 PM »

hey its me again

today we had an okay day, i kept their mind off things all day but after a while they realized nobody gives them attention but me, or thats how they view it and they're upset with it. they feel like they make progress but end up at step 1 because they dont get the external attention they want/need.
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zuki1111

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 17



« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2016, 06:27:16 PM »

I have been involved in a similar relationship for 3 years. I am moved to write, because of the many similarities I see in what you are saying and my relationship and feelings about it early on. What I am going to say is my own experience.

I am now at a point where I am in very deep, and realize that this will never be a healthy relationship. What I have realized, in doing a lot of research and soul searching, is that people generally get into relationships with people who have equal mental health issues, although they are often different ones.

For myself, I have realized that I am codependent, not an unusual match for someone with BPD. BPD affects people in ways that make them needier, and more difficult to get along with for many reasons, and it is easier for them to get along with more accommodating people, who try to fill others' needs before their own.

One of the most important things I have read about relationships with BPD partners is that you are likely to always be the emotional caretaker. It is unlikely that you can have a mutual, healthy relationship with someone who has a personality disorder that affects the ability to have relationships.

You have to be very emotionally strong, stable and well differentiated to function in this type of relationship.
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placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2016, 06:54:55 PM »

I've realized stuff like this about myself. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember, but like 90% i can bear it. Ive also had the feeling Im codependent, im not so sure about it, as before this relationship i had been single and quite literally on my own for about 3-4 years. One thing i have been told recently is that my partner suffered with BPD tendencies for a few years before i came into their life. They often would run off without telling me so they prevented themselves from lashing out at me, but it always make me poke at them asking whats up.

But if anything, id like to think myself as emotionally ready to help. But i guess it also helps that we arent interacting in real life often
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placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2016, 08:09:42 PM »

okay. so i have refreshed my memory on this page: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

More often than not i will try and keep a positive response to them, despite it ending up as neither of us feeling too positive. could someone explain how to help validate someone as simple as possible... .? Maybe with examples, if that would be okay. Most of today we had an okay day, nothing really good or bad but its kind of went downhill when they got home from work, they're in the process of deleting a social media profile of theirs.
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placebicstar

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 24


« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2016, 08:44:31 PM »

Another update, i apologize that i keep posting with no responses.

They have mentioned a breakup again, i dont think its a wise thing to do because i know we do love each other a lot, they're convinced though that they will never get better, and i'll admit, i really really don't want to lose them at all. what do i do?
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2016, 12:23:48 AM »

Another update, i apologize that i keep posting with no responses.

They have mentioned a breakup again, i dont think its a wise thing to do because i know we do love each other a lot, they're convinced though that they will never get better, and i'll admit, i really really don't want to lose them at all. what do i do?

I've done this in my own threads  Smiling (click to insert in post). Not to JADE you, but real life for me the past two days has been a lot.

It's great that you are embracing the tools and using them. I'm reminded of something my therapist said, and I'm altering it slightly given your r/s. "Turkish, can you accept that she is an independent entity, free to make her own choices in life, no matter how unwise they may be?"

We can learn as much as we can about BPD, and learn on our side how not to be triggering. At the end of the day, however, our partners, friends, children, and parents are free to do what they will. More importantly, they are who they are. In a way, this is bpdfamily.com, the name for this site. Healing would be grand for the mother of my children, and also for my mom. I've learned a lot here, and still do. I can, however, only do so much. This is, in a way,

Radical Acceptance
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
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