She's BPD and I'm Codependent... Help

[Saradane]

In short, both my therapist and I believe that I suffer from being codependent. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's the truth.

My xBPDgf and i are not together, but insist on seeing each other nearly everyday. It's initiated both ways. Lots of times she makes me feel terrible, and acts recklessly to get me to hang out with her, and even though I know it's bad and unhealthy, I still do it.

She treats me terribly, we argue, she comes back, but refuses to be in a relationship. I can set boundaries well, but I have a hard time enforcing them with her because of how nasty she gets.

How do I stop being codependent? How can I stop this pattern? She's set off by the littlest things that SHE causes, and she makes me go crazy.

Thank you for all your help in advance. I just feel helpless and exhausted.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sluggo]

That is the mi;;ion dollar question.  I have gone to some Al-Anon classes.  I have found them very good.  The qualifier is my wife... .not alcoholic but personality disorder.  There will probably be some good examples of others working on the same thing with success. 

Of course the lessons that are on the left of the web page too are great. 

[zuki1111]

I am also codependent and in a relationship with a pwBPD. We have been living together for almost 3 years. I have been in therapy, he has not. Wherever I suggested he needs therapy he said I need therapy. I agreed, and got it. We have also been in couple counseling, but it never helped. He always said being in therapy made him feel crazy. He blamed the therapist.

About a month ago, we saw a new therapist together. That therapist realized that he has been emotionally abusive to me. I never saw that (for some reason neither did our previous therapists). I read a lot about abusive relationships, and found that a lot of the negative feelings and attitudes I have developed about myself are the result of being abused.

About a week ago, he started telling me all the things he thought were wrong. He didn't say they were my fault, but he also took no responsibility for them being his fault. I got upset, he got upset and I left the room, crying. Because I saw that nothing was going to get better.

In the morning, he said I owed him an apology for getting "so" upset. All I could think about was ending my life. So I left. I told him I could not live with him. I can't function or work. Things are not getting better. I had enough.

I love him, and try to understand why he treats me the way he does. I am codependent, and realize that that makes me forgive and forget. Repeatedly. And that he and I both have believed that his problems are worse (more important) than mine. When I talk to him, I am drawn back into that belief.

I am confused when I am with him (codependency and being abused does that). I want to make him happy. I don't know what is right for me. Because I really love him. But I can't "make" him happy. And I am not happy with him.

I know the right thing is to take care of myself, but that doesn't feel right. Because I have a need to take care of him. I am drowning in my confusion.

I know part of my confusion is because I know he is sick, and can't help the way he thinks and acts. It is abusive but by understanding that it is because of a sickness, I feel like a bad person for abandoning him. But I can't help him, and he is taking away my love of life. I feel stuck. All I can do is run away. Which he accuses me of doing.