How does one work with a BP?

[Shottsy85]

My BP, now fiancé, and I run a business together, although most days it feels like trying to get a bratty child to do their homework. He is great most of the time in the store front setting when we go to trade shows he is charismatic and a great salesman. However, in between it is pulling teeth to get him to complete simple tasks and help me out so that I can make our product.

It is too much to do everything myself but most days I feel like I have to. I have invested thousands upon thousands of dollars and now we need to make that back but it is hard to do that when he is on unemployment and not contributing financially.

We are about to enter our busy season so it would be hard for him to get a job and then have to leave for all of these big shows we travel to. So, we have had that fight before because I will need rent money from him and he doesn't have it, so I said fine then please just work hard on the business so we can make the money. He agrees and then I even spend a while creating a list because he said he has trouble knowing what I need him to do without that.

Weeks have gone by and every day I ask if he thinks he can get a couple things done today on that list. He will say yes and then for one reason or another he does none of them. He wakes up when I wind up getting him up at noon or so. ( Which we have also fought about.) he was supposed to get up and ship something first thing yesterday and he made me go with him. So instead of getting what I need to get done I wind up having to hold his hand and then try and get my tasks done.

Finally this morning after I once again woke him up and noon, and freaked out because it was so late, I started listing what needed to be done and how little time we had left. He kept telling me to "chill out" to which I told him not to say that to me and to please just get up now and get going. It turned into a fight to which the rest of the day he moped about and refused to do anything, to talk to me or to get out of bed.

I also had to ask my roommate to drive me where I needed to go because on top of everything my car is dead and my fiancé told me he would fix it. (He was a mechanic) but then he blas me for him not having time to fix my car. Last time he was working on his own car so that also wasn't true. I need him right now as I have a lot invested and no one else I can get to do the things at this time, but he knows that and is being a vindictive child.

We just bought a van for the company and I told him I am only going to get one if he knows for sure he is committed to the business because I am not comfortable driving a van and don't know how to work on one. He said he was, but today because he is being childish and vindictive he is holding everything over my head and telling me he is done with the business.

He is also bringing other things in that have nothing to with it like my best friend who he has painted black that is supposed to be going with us for this next show to cut costs. I feel like he is sabotaging and I don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hi shottsy, that all sounds really hard and stressful. I'm really sorry this happening.

I'm struck by your first sentence saying that you and your fiancée run a business together because it seems like the opposite in what you have written here.

Is this behaviour from him new, a recent change?

Has anything happened recently that might have triggered him?

The difficulty you face of course is that you can't make him do anything to help you which leaves me wondering then how much do you need him to be a part of the business for it to work. Could you realistically/financially/practically  manage the business without his input?

The reason I'm asking you these questions is perhaps the answers might help you set some boundaries to protect yourself both emotionally and practically from what he is doing.

[waverider]

I think a lot of the problem here is you are expecting, and putting pressure on, him to do something he simply does not hav ethe faculty or orrgabisational skills to do.

First impact sales pwBPD can do =need to make an impact with minimal effort

Background work to meet responsibilities, cant do. This requires motivators of responsibility and obligation, thi si ssomething that is often sadly lacking. No amount of jumping up and down is going to change this. Best you will get is a motivation to make an impression or stay out of trouble, this is not sustainable and so will lapse again.

You are adding a whole lot of external pressures onto what is probably a difficult RS. Pointing out that he can't do what he probably already knows he can't do just makes things worse.

This business is your baby not his, is enthusiasm will never match yours, as sweetheart points out you may be better not trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

[coworkerfriend]

Shottsy85 - I own a business with my pwBPD and we have a personal relationship also.  We have been in business since 2008/2009.  I realized in 2012 he has BPD.  He had been going to a therapist since I knew him - he was open with saying he had "issues" but until we were trying to run the business together, I had no idea about the extent of it.

It has been a long road with steps forward and many steps backward.  When I joined the board, I was so desperately afraid of him leaving me and I had no confidence in my ability to run the business.  I was stuck in being panicked every time he dysregulated/raged and threaten over and over to leave. I did not think I could do it without him and i was so scared of the business failing.  Our employees work hard and are tremendously loyal and I would lay in bed worried what would happen to them if we failed.  He told me so many times that the business if over -he hates it - he hates me.  I know exactly how you feel.    I totally understand that you have to make the business work.

My pwBPD has many strengths when it comes to our business but he is very easily overwhelmed by work.  He "agrees" to work but then something snaps in his head and things weren't getting done.  I used to completely cover anything he wouldn't do - so he knew that if he didn't do it, it would get done anyway.  It was so hard for me to stop that habit but I did it over time. 

Some things I have done to help things run more smoothly is that every morning, we have coffee and discuss what needs to get done that day.  I give him one task at a time and when he completes it, I give him another.  If he doesn't complete it, the project sits.  He tells me he doesn't care about the clients - they can leave blah blah blah.  But I do not pick up his task.  He pushes back hard - tells me I took away his ability to work.  I have probably heard every single excuse in the book for not working on the project of the day.  The other day, he couldn't work because it was too sunny.  I have learned to ignore - I stopped trying to fix everything for him.  None of this is easy - I wish I had more support and help from him. 

To complicate things, our personal relationship suffers if he has a bad day at work.  Clients often trigger him by something they say and weeks will be ruined by that.  I do my best to keep things moving as smoothly as I can.  Years ago, I tried to control the world around him so he wouldn't get upset.  It was a hard habit to break. 

I wish you luck - believe in you and your ability to run the business with or without him.  When I got to that place, the fear that was keeping me stuck slowly went away. 

[waverider]

coworkerfriend This topic brought your situation to mind, glad you could contribute to this topic. Working alongside a BPD partner does bring with it a whole new layer of issues and your insights are valuable

[coworkerfriend]

waverider - your support, insight and words changed my life. Thank you.

There is no way I could be at the place I am today without you and all the others who were and are there for me.  I still face many of the challenges I did at the beginning of my relationship but for the most part, I feel more equipped to handle it.  I can't say it doesn't tire me out but like any storm, it passes.  I read the lessons over every few months or so - I think it is a good reminder for me.

Since around July, the length of time between his outbursts seems like it is getting shorter.  We used to be able to go a few weeks to almost a month.  Lately it has been no more than 9 or 10 good days before another issue pops up.  He says he is tired of feeling like this all the time.  Over the past month or so, he keeps telling me that I need to force him to change.  I will never do that and I have told him that.  He is the only one who can modify his behavior - he has been to therapy long enough to know that.

[Shottsy85]

Hi shottsy, that all sounds really hard and stressful. I'm really sorry this happening.

I'm struck by your first sentence saying that you and your fiancée run a business together because it seems like the opposite in what you have written here.

Is this behaviour from him new, a recent change?

Has anything happened recently that might have triggered him?

The difficulty you face of course is that you can't make him do anything to help you which leaves me wondering then how much do you need him to be a part of the business for it to work. Could you realistically/financially/practically  manage the business without his input?

The reason I'm asking you these questions is perhaps the answers might help you set some boundaries to protect yourself both emotionally and practically from what he is doing.

I am actually having yet another repeat today of the same issue and decided to go back and check this thread to see if anyone had responded. To answer your question when he does in fact work he is very helpful, creative, smart and a great salesman. He also knows our system does inventory, is supposed to handle shipments helps with the heavy lifting and labor I can't do. I would have to hire someone but am now so in the hole and work out of home it is not practical nor am I equipped to hire someone right now. But getting him to do the tasks is a daily struggle. Right now he is fixing my brothers car which I told him not to agree to which he is supposedly getting paid for but now he wants to use that money to get a motorcycle. We had a huge fight today even though I told him I wasn't necessarily saying no but it it's bad timing and I would need more work and commitment to the business so he then got really defensive and agitated. At the end he was just tuning me out said I had five minutes to talk then got up to go to a staffing agency to get a job so he could just "take care of it himself" when I said but we agreed right now this business is your job and I need your help but he just left and won't answer me so now I don't know what to do or if he is helping and I have a huge show in one week that I need him for.

[waverider]

If the is motivation is created from impulsiveness, need or instant gratification a pwBPD wil be right on it.

If the motivation is responsibility and obligation then it is hard for them to fire up, and tend to avoid, or put it off.

We can get confused when the former is disguised as the second.

ie Doing things to be seen to be, or sound, responsible. Where the real aim is to earn approval, or stay out of trouble.

Unless something is based on an inner sense of responsibility or obligation it is short lived. Hence pressurizing and nagging is like pushing an iron ball, hard work but it can roll as long as you push, keeps a certain moment when you stop pushing, but eventually stops rolling. Back to where you are.