What should I have said?

[whitebackatcha]

PwBPD was upset about outside event. She shared info about it via text, more than she typically does. I comment on how frustrating it would be. She says that's just her life. I say, "I would feel xyz in that situation." She gives another vague comment. I share my own experience with something similar, as this seemed to really make her open up yesterday in a stressful situation. No response. I then tell her she can let me know if she needs anything. She says "Like I'm ever allowed to need anything." I say, "For whatever it's worth, you can with me." She says, "Right, since you have always made me feel like I can have needs."

I knew to back out, and I just chose not to respond. She didn't initiate contact again. I can see how telling her her needs mattered to me likely felt invalidating. I'm not sure what I could have said that wouldn't have sounded like an agreement. She does not like lots of emotion when upset, either. Also, I'm not sure how I could have responded to her last statement . I consider it progress that I didn't take it personally, at least.

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[sweetheart]

Sounds like progress to me as well. 

Maybe next time as you observed, leave your experience out of it.

What I do when my h talks about how awful life is, or how bad things always happen to him, is just simply let him know I'm listening, so I say 'I hear you' ' that sounds really hard' or 'I'm sorry you that's happened, i can hear that it matters/is important to you' and so on.

What I found early on is I made lots of mistakes when using validating language and responses, I was always second guessing myself, because it felt weird.

What's important to focus on is that your responses were enough for your wife to feel heard.

[waverider]

I guess you sharing that you had a similar experience may have made her feel like her "dramatic" story was nothing special. Who knows. Important thing is you knew when to just drop it and let it ride, you can't always just have the perfect response. Its more important to not make it worse when it does seem not to be a hit.

Validation doesn't fix everything it just makes the odds a bit better

[whitebackatcha]

Sounds like progress to me as well. 

Maybe next time as you observed, leave your experience out of it.

What I do when my h talks about how awful life is, or how bad things always happen to him, is just simply let him know I'm listening, so I say 'I hear you' ' that sounds really hard' or 'I'm sorry you that's happened, i can hear that it matters/is important to you' and so on.

What I found early on is I made lots of mistakes when using validating language and responses, I was always second guessing myself, because it felt weird.

What's important to focus on is that your responses were enough for your wife to feel heard.

I've had terrible luck in the past with validation. Pretty much any phrase I've ever read suggested has set her off, so I've been trying using myself as a way to mirror feelings. I'm not suggesting how she feels, only stating my own, so there is less to react to. It worked great the day before, but it was also a less charged situation.

I have no idea why I didn't mention this in the OP, but she mentioned suicidal ideations, and I don't know how to validate that without using a feeling word she hasn't used herself, which is ineffective for her.

I sent a heart, which she saw this morning and hasn't responded to, so she is either taking space or giving me the ST. This is a LDR, so that makes it easier in some ways to go about my day. Not chasing is a primary boundary of mine, so I plan to send a link or something fun in the evening at most, and otherwise stick to a greeting in the morning until this blows over.

[whitebackatcha]

I guess you sharing that you had a similar experience may have made her feel like her "dramatic" story was nothing special. Who knows. Important thing is you knew when to just drop it and let it ride, you can't always just have the perfect response. Its more important to not make it worse when it does seem not to be a hit.

Validation doesn't fix everything it just makes the odds a bit better

I appreciate this reminder. It's amazing how many levels of letting go there seem to be.

[whitebackatcha]

And we have the first breakup after being gone five months! She made it five weeks of active talking, gee whiz!  

The times before, it was always preceeded by a disagreement. This time, she said she was a bad person, and she wasn't going to contact me again so as to minimize the damage.   She also threw out, "Thanks for the fish." I don't know what she's talking about, and wonder if it's an invitation to ask.

I told her I was sorry to hear that. I gave her an out and said I hoped she meant she wasn't going to INITIATE contact, but if she didn't I couldn't stop her, and I would be very sad. I asked about the fish comment. I then said, on my end, that I knew she was going through a lot right now (true), that it might be awhile before things went back to normal, and I was here for her. It didn't drain me (it's not devastating like she implied, anyway). I said maybe we could connect by phone later today, and that the ball was in her court.

I don't know if that's perfect, but it's important to me that it be very clear if I won't make the next contact. I wanted her to feel supported, but not enabled.

Honestly, I just wanted to tell her to knock it off, and we could talk later.