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Author Topic: sharing my experience part two  (Read 479 times)
david
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« on: January 31, 2016, 03:03:19 PM »

XBPDw sent an email yesterday. Apparently she lost her health insurance. It sounds like she lost her job. I have bumped into people that work with her and they have all said getting away from her was the best thing I ever did. Ex actually ran away but that is beside the point.

Sounds like she is in a major stressful event. She claims she needs surgery on her hip and she is going to have workers comp cover it.

Ex is the one that covers our boys. I did in the past but she made false allegations in 2010 and I took a leave of absence until I could get things straightened out. That is currently working it's way through the process. I should be back to work in Sept if everything goes according to my plan. It may even be sooner.

Her latest email was in full victim mode and was all over the place. She was looking for pity, a knight in shining armor to come to the rescue, etc. I haven't seen an email like this before. She did a few minor attackls at me and our S17 but kept that to a minimum.

The last two weeks all make sense now. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on and now her emails all fit.

She introduced a new concept, at least from her, of doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do. Didn't say what that thing is but her rambling did have that new twist to it. It didn't sound like she was going to do anything drastic but I clearly sensed she is stressed.

I expect a lashing out in the next week or two.

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GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2016, 05:50:39 PM »

My immediate suspicion was the "doing the right thing for the right reason" will be your paying for the son's insurance.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
david
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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2016, 07:22:08 PM »

I decided to reply. I normally put these things into a folder with no reply. I pointed out the event that occurred in 2010 (her false allegations and my arrest/I didn't actually say anything like that because that would have been an immediate trigger) and said that if she wrote a letter saying I did not commit a crime, thereby doing the right thing, I could return to work sooner and get my health insurance plan back. That plan covered everyone.

I am going with the idea that she is extremely stressed about her situation and may just do something out of her ordinary. If she doesn't I should be back in my old position in Sept. anyway.

My reply was written using most of her words. I did that several times before and she would lash out shortly afterwards. A few weeks later she would embrace her "new" idea and tell me how "her" plan was the best course of action. This is different because it would involve her taking responsibility for what happened. I doubt anything more than the lashing out will occur but I figured I'd give it a try. I have become very good at LC over the last year or two and that has changed things for the better for our boys. She doesn't use them to try to get to me anymore since she gets no reaction from me.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2016, 08:52:16 PM »

Serpentine, but effective.  You know her.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
whirlpoollife
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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2016, 10:10:45 PM »

She's desperate, and asking that she write a letter stating your innocence ... to get health insurance sooner... .good idea. I'm curious of the outcome.

There is CHIPS for kids insurance . They can go on it during anytime of the year so kids would be covered. I wouldn't mention it just yet though.
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"Courage is when you know your're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." ~ Harper Lee
david
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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2016, 08:56:06 AM »

My ex's email was about four paragraphs long and it was disjointed. She did mention CHIPS. She is a nurse so I am sure she knows how to proceed with that. I have learned that giving my opinions results in lashing out towards me and/or our boys so I am not going in that direction.

From what I can gather from her emails she is getting hip or back surgery through workers comp. I don't know how/when she was injured but she hasn't been working for about six months. She has a walker and cane but only uses them in public. The boys say she moves around in the house like she always has. From the things they have talked to me about they believe she is lying. I don't know what to make of any of that and I am going with the assumption that she does need some type of surgery since she has indicated such.

When our youngest was around four I used to think she had some form of Munchhausen. She would take him to the pediatrician for all kinds of ailments and nothing ever came of it. I believed it was an attention seeking behavior on her part. As he got older and was able to speak up that stopped.

I doubt that she would write a letter but I figured there was no harm asking. I figure it will take no more than two weeks to play out.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2016, 10:30:49 AM »

I decided to reply... .I pointed out the event that occurred in 2010 (her false allegations and my arrest/I didn't actually say anything like that because that would have been an immediate trigger) and said that if she wrote a letter saying I did not commit a crime, thereby doing the right thing, I could return to work sooner and get my health insurance plan back. That plan covered everyone.

I am going with the idea that she is extremely stressed about her situation and may just do something out of her ordinary. If she doesn't I should be back in my old position in Sept. anyway.

David, I like this!  However, will the court even trust her now?  Back then court trusted her account over one of the boy's testimony.  For her to recant now may make them wonder why.

If that email doesn't work maybe she could state that back then was a 'difficult' time for her and her memory wasn't its best and that testimony by you and son was more accurate.  But I suspect a halfway statement might not have weight?

BTW - My understanding is that just about everyone can get the COBRA option for 18 additional months of coverage.  Of course, the employer doesn't have to contribute toward the cost and insurer can tack on a 2% fee.  Sounds like she's declining to take advantage of COBRA or can't afford it now?
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david
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« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2016, 11:09:05 AM »

 In 2010 ex said I assaulted her and I was charged with assault as a misdemeanor. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct as a summary offense. I was also put in prison for two weeks. Since that time I have had numerous conversations with attorneys, some are friends, and they all said no one goes to prison for a disorderly conduct. After they checked my record some got back to me and said it was because of the judge I had. She has a reputation in the courts for being inconsistent and not very good. My union placed me on a leave of absence and that protected my job.

After five years I can get an attorney to get that expunged from my record. I currently am in the process of doing that. If all goes the usual way I should have everything in order before the start of the new school year. It may be sooner than that. My attorney seems to think that all the information I have given her plus the fact that we have 50/50 custody and there has been no other allegations since that time should help. I have to drive to the ex's place at least twice a week to get our boys personal things and ex hasn't done anything since she knows I am recording. I shouldn't have to go to court if all goes as usual. Usually the attorney goes to the district attorney and seeks an expungement through that channel. If the DA agrees than a judge signs off on it and the attorney contacts all the authorities to get it cleared.

I already talked to my union rep and they are ready as soon as things are completed. It should be a simple process to go back to the school I was at back then. My department head wants me back too and doesn't want me to go to another school. If my record was expunged today I would probably be back before the end of this year since my department head has a position for me already.

A letter from my ex could be helpful to speed up the process but I don't think it would be crucial to actually get my record expunged.

I am certain she knows about the COBRA option since she is a nurse and was working in a hospital. I don't know a way that I could figure out what those costs are and I don't think asking her would work. I think asking her would trigger her because she would view that as me saying she is stupid. I've noticed that from other communications. She would then rage and any chance of working together would be gone. At least, I haven't found a way after a rage.

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david
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« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2016, 10:04:30 AM »

Just so happens that a friend of mine who is an attorney called me yesterday. I haven't talked to him in a while and he asked how things were going with ex. He doesn't practice family law. He suggested that instead of asking her to admit the truth in writing, which he doubted would happen, but to simply ask for a letter saying she agrees with getting my record expunged. This way she doesn't have to admit to anything.

He also pointed out that workers comp is not taxable income so ex has no reason to deduct either boy on her taxes. I didn't think about that.
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david
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« Reply #9 on: February 02, 2016, 04:22:08 PM »

I received a cc'd email from ex a little while ago. She sent it to S12's teacher. She had the boys this weekend and S12 had a project due yesterday (Monday).

The email explained to the teacher that S12 did not have his project done because he was with his dad last Thursday ? She also kept him home from school yesterday so he could finish his project but he didn't have enough time so it will be late.

So, the boys were with me on Thursday of last week and S12 worked on some of the project but needed more time. He was with ex on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and stayed home from school on Monday and didn't finish it. I picked him up Monday afternoon along with his older brother. S12 took responsibility for not completing the project so that was a plus. I told him that when we got home he was to immediately start working on it and finish it that night. He did  and handed it in today. He did a pretty good job too. We talked about ways he needs to be more responsible and he seemed to get it by the way he was talking.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when his teacher reads ex's email. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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david
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« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2016, 04:24:14 PM »

I forgot to add, the project was 14 pages long and he had three completed when I picked him up on Monday. He did 11 pages Monday after I picked him up ?
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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2016, 10:04:28 AM »

Re: the project... .story of my life.    If it is "done" at uBPDbm's house then that means uBPDbm will write it herself and try to pass it off as SDs work. If we start the project at our house and ask uBPDbm to have SD work on it, nothing gets done. So we ALWAYS end up working on it last minute.
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« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2016, 11:05:41 AM »

When we were sharing SD, the homework packet was about ten pages stapled together given out on Monday due Friday.

We would send half completed or more packet with SD to moms Wednesday, and mom would refuse to help SD with it and ask teacher for a new packet for her house, get this because " it had DH's writing on it where they filled out the reading portion"

She couldn't write on a homework packet that me or DH had written on. And made that clear to SD and teacher, and yet still doesn't understand what alienating behaviours she is exhibiting.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2016, 11:49:26 AM »

Since 2008 those portions of our schedule that were equal time were a 2/2/3 alternate weekend schedule.  Thee were multiple reasons — including lack of cooperation with schoolwork — that I chose Wed/Thu overnights.  Thus any schoolwork due on Thursday or Friday could be completed or reviewed.  Fortunately she did not protest having Mon/Tue overnights.
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david
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« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2016, 12:07:38 PM »

Thunderstruck, my ex used to do that too. She actually wrote a paper for him in second grade with college level vocabulary. I asked our son to read it and he had no idea how to pronounce the words. He couldn't tell me what it meant either. I talked to the teacher and I asked if she wanted him to do it again but this time when he was with me. She declined but we made plans that all future projects would be done when he was with me. She also said she never seen a parent do something so blatant before. He tone was so priceless I started to laugh out loud. I couldn't help myself.

In 1st, 2nd, 3rd grade most of his homework assignments were online. The weeks assignments were posted on Monday. He was with me on Monday and Thursday so I could get things started and on Thursday make sure it was done. Eventually , he decided to do extra on Monday so he didn't have so much to do on Thursday. That morphed into him doing 97% of all his school work when he was with me.

I stopped making an issue of it with ex after first grade. I simply signed everyone he did with me and made a copy. When I had my atty file for more time I gave the copies to him. It took three years before we got in front of a judge because ex kept dragging things out. By then I had three years of evidence. She never changed her behavior the entire time.

This year the school puts more of the responsibility on the student and doesn't post assignments online. They want to get them ready for middle school. I understand that and S12 has been writing everything in his assignment book so I can see what is going on. The first few months I looked at his assignment book every time I saw him. Then I changed to just asking him what he had to do and wanting to see it when it was done. He is going along with the new program well.
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