Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 06:24:03 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Just figuring out the hard stuff  (Read 453 times)
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« on: January 31, 2016, 06:44:16 PM »

Hi All,

I am new here and terribly scared as I am trying to figure things out. I am married to my husband for 13 years with a 5 year old daughter who is the sweetest child ever! For the first 8 years of our marriage I never even imagined that he might have an issue. Quick to anger and silent & cold shoulder treatment always made me feel like I am responsible for the tripping of balance. However after my daughter was birn who is a miracle child. I had her after 5 miscarriages and several hardships. It was like a war I fought with the medical system to figure out what was causing the miscarriages and I am not a quitter! She is nothing short of a miracle and I firmly believe in miracles & that people can change... .Or atleast to give anything in life my full... .So 5 years ago, I started to go into therapy and researching online about why people are so judgemental about others, quick to anger, have projections about people, not have any relationship with even loved ones which pointed me to BPD. My hubby is not officially diagnosed with BPD however in the summer he agreed to come see my therapist to help figure out where we can go from there. My parents wete visiting us and he went into his shell... .He started baiting me by saying mean things, etc. we barely fight coz Inam not the kind of person who likes bad/unfair confrontation. However I confronted him in despair and said I am noticing a pattern in your behaviour and I can't take it. So thats the reason he came... .The therapist obviously didn't tell him straight that he has bod but she reiterated the feelings he feels and told him it's like an addiction... He likes the pleasure all that pain gives him and he agreed. She recommended dbt and he said to her, I'm 42 and how can I change... .I have been this way all my life and I don't think I can change... .So we left therapy and I did not want to force him coz he should want to get better himself. Then I met my therapist again and she explained to me about how I enable his behavior by keeping quiet and shutting down. She explained to me how I can set a boundary next time this happens by saying to him that you fix your behaviour or I am going to leave and stay at a hotel with my daughter untill you feel okay... .Well time passed and now 5 months from all this, he again is back to his silent and mean self. So last week, I asked him whats wrong, can I help in any way? He lashed out saying all couples fight, nothing is wrong with me and you stop saying something is wrong with me... .Stop Bullsh**ting me are the exact words used... .It just shattered me but then I worked really hard to not break down for the sake of my daughter... .And kept quiet for 2 days(we didn't talk to each ither, no phine calls or any contact) living in the same house under the same roof. After 2 days if this drama, he came to say he is sorry and I wasn't ready to talk coz of my hurt. Then he got me flowers like he always does and then I finally told him that I cannot carry this emotional baggage anymore... .When this happens again, I want to move to a hotel for the sake of our daughter because I cannot be a good mother to her with such emotions running a havoc in my mind... .And I cannot see myself in the mirror in 10 more years and say I have been the best mom I wanted to be. Like his parents who have verbally abusing him... .He inows and accepts that his childhood is responsible for his behaviour but he accepts this rationaization when he is regulated!

How do I get him to seek help or change my expectations and still be the mom and righteous human being I was before marrying him. I really do love him anf leaving is not an option! I want to make this work coz when he is regulated, he is the best person I have ever known.
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Scarlet Phoenix
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2016, 03:59:12 AM »

Hello  

Welcome

I'm so glad you came here to write! There's lots of support to find here and help going forward.

Your girls sounds so sweet  Smiling (click to insert in post) What a blessing to have her after so many hardships. I've struggled with infertility, too, so I can understand what you've been through.

I see you have a therapist, that's great! It's so important in these relationships that we take care of ourselves. Lots of the members here have partners who are in denial or who refuse to go to therapy. Don't get too hung up on that for the time being. There are things you can do to make life better for you and also the relationship.

Boundaries is a good place to start  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Don't be afraid to post a separate thread about your new boundary to get input on this by our experienced members.

If you look to the right ---------------------->

you can read our lessons where you can also find lots of information, like The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

I look forward to hearing more from you!

Scarlet
Logged


~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #2 on: February 01, 2016, 04:13:23 AM »

Hello waitingwife, 

I'm really glad you found us. I can understand feeling scared and confused by the behaviours of my dBPDh when I first found this site. I was relieved to find caring, supportive like minded people who really listened to me. I know that you will find that here too.

This board is about improving your relationship in a way that includes, support, education and shared experiences that will help you with your expectations around living day to day with BPD.

Your post demonstrates a great deal of insight into the challenges that BPD can bring to a relationship. I understand how difficult those challenges can be especially when you have a young child.

Your post also highlights both the emotional and practical difficulties you face of living with someone who's behaviours can swing between such extremes of functioning.

Have a read of the links that Scarlet Phoenix put up and let us know what you think.

Logged

waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2016, 04:14:28 AM »

 

It is very hard to start making the necessary changes. It is scary for us all, but as you recognize the stakes are high if we dont make a start.

The fact he acknowledges he has problems is a good start. He is right though in that it will be hard for him to change. So the trick here is not to trigger defensive reactions, and as you rightly point out he needs to want to. Defensive reactions will block this.

The boundary in regards to removing yourself is a good one to start with. If you are to do this don't get involved in prior demands, finger pointing and justifications as these will just trigger the defensive reactions. He knows why, if he wants to avoid it, let him work that out.

You can't make too many changes at once, so establishing your circuit breaker is a good place to start

Waverider
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2016, 10:50:22 AM »

Thank you so much for the uplifting reaponses. I am going to give a shot to read the lessons and while reading through them all will take someyime, is there any specific one I can read for this situation? I really want to make this work without harming my self-esteem which has already been compromised over the last 13 years. I know this sounds like a rant and I am really not trying to make my husband a big bad monster coz he is the nicest and most sensitive person I know when he is regulated and so I want to make this work. In addition there is no cheating, substance abuse or anything else which makes me want to give it my full to try working this out. I cannot even begin to tell you how empowered I felt when I researched and discovered that BPD is the reason for the problems we have faved and it was not ME! I cried for days when I figured that after 8 long years. I am fully dependant on him financilly as I am a stay at home mom and plan to go back to work in a year when my little one turns 6 since I really wanted to be a part of her first few years considering the emotional drama our house faces someyimes. I have to give it to him that he has reduced the intensity of his lash outs but it's still there and I am beyond able to handle it. I feel like I have discovered this inner voice and I want to use it in the best possible way for q good outcome. I do have a therapist but she wrote me off a few months ago saying I am very emotionally stable and that I should start doing the hard work of setting boundaries in this relationship so as to salvage my self-esteem and bring it back. Thenwords she used were , the power is concentrated on one side and you need to take charge of what you are responsible and stop enabling him by keeping quiet.

So after what I told him that I need to move to a hotel or some place away where I can get some space away from him, he mocked me and said would you have left me if not for our daughter and it was like a funny joke! Theb he aaid I agree with what you say and how hard this is one youbut this is who I am and hia option will not be feasible coz what will tell our daughter? And it will be so expensive too! But after a day sinxe yesterday he is again drowning in his emotions so he kept watching tv in the basement and minimized gace to face jnteraction with me except while we were serving dinner and saying goodnight to our daughter. I feel so torn and at one point in time, I just wanted to give him a hug and say it'll be alright, we'll work it out and I'm here for you. This boundary is notnto push him away, it is only to protect my sanity and I really hope he understands that. He always use to say I am the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life and he alwaya thought he'd have a failed marital relationship but he is so grateful that we're so in love and we surely are! But I think me saying I need space from you during your emotional dysregulation has really hurt him at a much deeper level than I can comprehend. The analogy I gave him was - You are like my older child and our 5 year old is my 2nd child and she being the younger one is more vulnerable and thats why I am doing this to protect the damage that is resulting from this kind of behaviour. Then after reading the validation/invalidation lesson, I know I did not do this right coz I invalidated him while setting the boundary. Yesterday when he was trying to stay out of my hair, I reslly was so confused as to what I should do? It's going to be extremely hard for me to just stomp away into a hotel with my 5 year old who attends school... .Not to mention displacing too for her... .I am terrified of telling him to go live in a hotel and wonder if that will just lead him more astray or give him the license to get away from the family responsibilities and do as he pleases or make wrong choices(which he never has and sometimes because of me being so protective) which will cost our family emotionally... I'm quite a mess here... .Never have been this confused
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2016, 11:38:07 AM »



I can hear how overwhelming this is, not knowing what to do right, where to start.  Remember you have been dealing with this for a while now, you don't have to rush this ok?

Can you break it down into smaller pieces so you feel less overwhelmed?

What is the most important focus for you today? What do you want your boundary to look like?

It is very difficult to navigate the dysregulations on your own but even more so when you have a young child. Our son is 7 now, but was 5 when I first came here. So I understand feeling driven to protect your child I really do.

Are you and your daughter at risk in anyway when your h dysregulates, because if you are not then maybe the board can help you explore other ways to manage that minimises the disruption of having to leave and stay in a hotel. I'm not saying don't do this, I'm saying here is the place to explore what alternatives there might be.

Logged

waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2016, 01:11:42 PM »

Hi Sweetheart,

Thank you so much for helping me conquer this little by little. My daughter & I are not at any physical risk when he dysregulates hiwever the silence between us is killing for me. I'm a stay at home mom who is very involved and hands on with my daughters life and when I get thr Silent treatment at the end of the day, its very very hard for me to keep it together. I have been able to keep it together as I have a tremendous amount of patience in me but keeping it together means I disengage and not even make eye contact with my husband coz he has accused me of constantly starring at him/observing him when I'm actually just going about my chores around the house. So I feel like the Sileny Treatment will affect my daughter eventually... .I don't want her to draw her understanding of a marriage like this... .Coz she sees us happy together the other times... .She doesn't understand much right now but I'm bracing myself for when he lashes out at her. He admits that his parents have verbally abused him and he will NEVER do it to our daughter but he feels being Silent is making progress versus lashing out and playing the blame game. I asked him what was going on in his mind and he blew me off saying I always like to take the lead role in making decissions when it comes to our daughter... .I just said let's not make this about me like we always do and lets focus on you... That sent him spiraling and he said, "stop saying something is wrong with me coz I'm alright and all couples fight". So how do I handle the ST? Isn't keeping wuiet & letting him give me the ST enabling? I am so damn confused that I question my own wants at times.

Sweetheart - how has your journey been in thr last 2 years after you joined this family? I really want to hear success stories and ince upon a time when I was devasted from my miscarriages , I joined a online support group which was the only thing that educated me, helped me grieve in a way that was comforting and make my miracle baby happen all at the same time. I am sincerely hoping this group helps me feel more at oeace. I have been so much at oeace since I joined here yesterday, just talking about my problems without shame and fear of being judged is uplifting. Thanks for being so supportive
Logged
Carina

Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 4



« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2016, 01:53:44 PM »

Hi waitingwife:

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It is quite familiar to me, I was You once, (except with 3 kids) and I really thought I would find healthy ways to cope and still have a happy marriage because I loved him.

That was 13 years AGo, and I hate to say it, but it has not turned out well in my case. His behaviors slowly but surely eroded away my love and here I am.

I hope it will be different for you, and I may be wrong, but I honestly don't think these people can change. However, in your case you are planning to return to work in a year, and that may be helpful. Try to get a shift that is different from his. I think the less time you spend together the better things will be. I know that sounds backwards, but with that type of personality this adage is more true than for a typical couple: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

I am looking back and seeing that was likely a big factor in my relationship. I was and still am a stay home mom ( partly due to living out in nowhere-town where there are very few jobs )
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2016, 02:22:47 PM »

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment

waitingwife the above is a link about what to do and what not to do when your h engages in ST. it's quite straight forward with simple strategies that from what you have said you are already starting to use.

The bit that's hard is disengaging, and at the same time managing how upset you feel, because it is upsetting and frustrating and crazy-making at times.

Remember start small and slow. Take it hour by hour if necessary, try and focus your attention on managing you, not your h. Go out, get a coffee, read a book, go for a swim, take a deep breath, whatever it takes to remove yourself from the conflict.

Protecting yourself emotionally from ST or any abusive types of behaviour is an important place to create a boundary. Your boundary is not participating in it, removing yourself from it. Disengaging with kindness, re engaging with love.

It felt counter intuitive for me for a long time to move my energies to looking after my needs, to looking after my emotional wellbeing. I remember investing every bit of energy and time I had in trying to make him better, to fix him, make him happy. I also spent a lot of time pointing out to him that he needed help, that he was the problem. Again as you have found telling your h it's about him and he needs to get treatment is a real flashpoint. So try not to do this.

The strategies take practice and patience until they feel normal because you have been doing things one way for so long. Expect things to feel awkward as you change what you do.

Who do you have for support friends, family, does anyone else know how things are ?

Keep posting, bring here what you might otherwise what to address with your husband. We will support you and your daughter through this.


Logged

waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2016, 02:26:27 PM »

I'm so sorry to hear how things didn't turn out as you expected for you. For now my husband is doing the Silent treatments and has been doing the same. The duration between each ST has really been getting longer so I really feel like thats some progress. He meditates twice a day regularly to practice mindfulness and I know when he is receptive, I might be able to help him... .If it were upto me, my aim is for him to get help/therapy coz it has helped me gain immense clarity over my cloud!
Logged
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2016, 02:30:42 PM »

Sweetheart - you are really such a seeetheart❤️ I am going to read the outofthefog article you sent now and see how I can apply those strategies. If it were you in my shoes, how would you have dealt with this situation differently? I just want to get another persoective about how better could I have managed this? Going to read now
Logged
sweetheart
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married, together 11 years. Not living together since June 2017, but still in a relationship.
Posts: 1235



« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2016, 02:54:41 PM »



The only thing I would have done differently is to keep the focus away from his issues, this as you found out was triggering for him.


Maybe ask once at the onset of any ST "What's wrong, is there anything I can do to help?" and then withdraw or engage accordingly. It's ok to get it wrong.

My last words are that sometimes in changing our behaviours and bringing the focus of our attention back to ourselves can unsettle our SO's, because they will sense a shift. There can sometimes be an increase in conflict as your SO tries to keep things the same. So be prepared for some pushback.


Logged

waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2016, 03:00:31 PM »

I just read about ST and FOG and I realize that I made the mistake of asking - What's wrong, why are you so quiet and not talking with me? Instead, I am feeling uncomfortable right now would have been more appropriate. So then just saying that and leaving the house with my daughter(if it's a weekend and she is with me) would help me? It would atleast not make me suffer in silence at home. My husband recently visited his brother out of the country for 1 day and got the classic ST and told me how he wanted to run away and never look back and he really left their house way before his flight time and soent 6 hours at the airport instead of with the brother. He then even said that I felt so bad for you and I got a taste of my own medicine. Then he justified by saying, I am atleast good the other times in between. So during the so called make-up talk when I told him I need out when you feel like this coz me staying in the house under the same roof isn't helping me. I even said I felt like you felt last month when you visited your brother and you had a home to run to... .I feel like this isn't my home coz I want to run as fast as I can to a place of comfort and warmth and at the moment, it isn't our home. How much more sad can it get than this? So he said I agree with you and know what you are saying is true but I don't stay like this forever... .I told him but this is my breaking point coz if I don't get my space, I might have a breakdown or I'm afraid it might affect my mrntal wellbeing and I cannot let that happen coz we have a 5 year old child. For a day he was fine but then like I said he is spiraling down since yesterday... .

But I guess my out is just heading outside the house to spend time with friends ir grab coffee or something. My support is my brother & SIL who live very close to us... .But due to my husbands dysregulation, I feel so scared to go to their house when he dysregulates coz he anyways feels like I am in one team with them and he is the opponent. He has accepted that he feels like that when he met my therapist. So wherever I go, it has to be a neutral place and not my brother's house because I know for a fact that if I go to my brother's house, it will only weaken him more thinking that I am with them working against him... And for a fact, this is my battle and so I don't want to drag my brother's family into this coz they have 2 young children and a busy life... But they know of this and I have another new good friend I have made who I cannot share this with coz we grt together at a family level and it would be embarassing for my husband if they knew. But I have not been able to blossom my friendship with her coz of these emotional struggles at home. I have always been an extremely friendly, social and helpful human being and I see that this whole baggage is taking that away from me... .What makes me, me is dwindling and it breaks my heart. I don't know why I am beginning to see this much clarity in my life right now... .
Logged
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2016, 03:04:50 PM »

So the day I sensed the ST while we were enjoying a glass if wine together, I asked him: is everything okay? You seem really quiet? And his reply was cold and mean- tes all is well, you don't have to worry. Then it was straight off ST for 5 more days and then I asked again. Whats wrong? I'm concerned for you when he lashed out. So after the first attempt of asking, should I have tried to spend a lot of time outside/away from him and waited for the man I love to return back?
Logged
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2016, 04:49:56 PM »

What ofhis behaviour could I have validated in this out reak?
Logged
waitingwife
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 204


« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2016, 07:55:58 PM »

Thanks a ton everybody who suggested the various reading resources. I have been reading almost all day today and it has been really very very helpful to gain more insight into the Why's I had on my mind. I am going to continue reading the lessons in here.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!