My BPD Spouse has Narcolepsy & MS - I am so lost. Need help desperately

[Shiela]

Hi All,

I've spent the better part of 12 years trying to figure out whether there is something wrong with me, my marriage, the chemistry between my husband and I etc etc etc. I've talked to many many neurogolists, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, friends, family members. I just don't know where to go. I feel completely winded sometimes by the things that come out of my husband's mouth. I'm so confused, the tables get turned so rapidly in an argument, i'm left reeling. I REFUSE to cry in front of him because there is a lack of empathy. I have 2 daughters with this man. My daughters are my angels and my life. They are 3 and 9. For their sake, I need to create a home that is calm and supportive for them. My husband has the best heart ever. No-one outside our home would ever suspect that he can be mean or angry all the time. Seriously Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde is the perfect description.  I'm sorry this is all coming out in a jumbled mess. I just want to separate but don't want to harm my kids or leave them without a father. When he's good he is SO SO good with them. When I'm not around (at work for eg.) the kids and my husband just have the best time (per the nanny). When I oppose his view on something, or try to do something differently than him when it comes to parenting that's when the problems arise. apparently "I Have no spine, the kids walk all over me". I am at my wits end. I need a solution. I want him gone. I have wished many many times that he would just hit me so this could be over. Could really use some advice. THank you all.

[rarsweet]

Hi and welcome. All of us here know how hard it is when parents aren't getting along and how much we worry for our kiddos. Do your girls ever see disagreements between you two? Is the nanny a neutral person who you can trust to just tell the truth? I notice alot of contradictory statements and I make them with my ex also. We don't want to do the black and white thinking thing so look for good with the bad. How are you and your husband besides parenting issues?

[ForeverDad]

Do you need an excuse or reason to separate?  It sounds like you're at your wit's end and very frazzled.  He's an adult and has to shoulder the responsibility for his actions and their consequences.  Just because his perceptions are distorted and skewed in his favor (blame shifting) is no reason for your life to be so impacted.  And for the children to see this discord all the time isn't good for them even if it's not directed at them.  Children learn by example.  If this dysfunctional example is their home life growing up, what life choices will they make seeking relationships when they're grown and gone?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

The mega-dollar question is whether he will change for the better.  Stripping away all the smaller issues, what you choose to do with the marriage hinges on whether he will change.  Thus far he hasn't and that's not a good sign.  You've surely tried and tried yet it is so hard for a disordered person to get past the emotional baggage of the relationship to really listen and respond.  Would he see a counselor or therapist — a neutral professional with no emotional ties that may be able to help — and let go his Denial and Blaming, diligently apply the therapy in his life and thinking and do so over the long term?  Frankly, you've done what you can in the relationship, if he won't respond to therapy then you have to decide your future knowing he won't improve.

Side point.  Don't think he's a good father, that his issues are only with you, that only you trigger him.  It's a core relationship issue, BPD is most evident in close relationships.  Even if it doesn't seem to be the case now, it will eventually spill over onto the children as they grow up.  The walls have eyes and ears.  And if they see an example of you often being a doormat suffering blaming, rants and rages, then they risk growing up seeing that as Normal, their familiar zone.  Do you want them to choose a spouse like you — or him?

My story, my ex claimed to have assorted vague illnesses including fibromyalgia.  But her personality behaviors kept getting worse.  Eventually I saw it was even becoming risky to be around her, she was trying to sabotage my parenting with allegations and so my marriage imploded.  Not my choice but that's what I had to face.  It is what it is.