New Relarionship Worries

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi! I only just found this place and have to say how great some of the people on here seem to be. It's wonderful that there is so much support and that especially family members and partners of BPD's can seek help.

So I've recently started a relationship with a girl who has both borderline personality disorder AND bipolar. Before the relationship I only had a limited knowledge of either disability, though more on bipolar than BPD.

I myself suffer from severe depression and am on medication to treat it, though at this point in time my meds aren't working and I need to change to new ones. But that's really not why I'm here.

I'm here for a few reasons: partially to get a feel for the help available, but I do have a couple of specific concerns.

My girlfriend has expressed to me that she doesn't get any enjoyment out of sex. Other than the obvious release at the end, she says it hurts and generally she has no interest. After some questions I also doscovered that she feels no desire or passion, she doesn't become turned on from any sort of stimuli, touching for her is annoying and uncomfortable. She does become horny (excuse my frankness) however, but only when the mood suits her, and simply when it hits her. The same goes with kissing: when she's in the mood, but most of the time she isn't bothered. Basically, she has zero sex drive. While that is a problem for me since I do have a high sex drive, what concerns me more is her lack of enjoyment from any form of sex. I know she doesn't connect emotions to sex. I want to help her become connected and be able to enjoy being with me, even if it's nothing other than enjoying cuddling. Is there something I can do to help? Is having no sex drive normal for BPD?

My other concern: her ex. They were together for a year and brokw up a few months ago. However, she is still very much in love with him. She has said, numerous times, that she does care for me and want to be with me, but she still texts him constantly. Most nights she breaks down and cries because she says she ruined their relationship (their breakup was due to him not being able to handle the fights any more) and that he will never love her again. She asked him if he would still be friends with her (he agreed to this) and asked him if she got better would he consider getting back together (this recieved no response). As you may have guessed, this raised my alarm bells and upset me a great deal. Most days she's okay and seems to be moving on, but the nights have been bad. He hurt her a great deal to the point that she wanted to seek revenge. I can't tell where I stand or if there's even any point to me being here, if she wants to be with her ex or is happy with me... .it's incredibly confusing! I've expressed this to her numerous times, with varied responses: she will always love him, she loves him but doubts it would ever happen with them again, she told me already that she wants to be with me, she just wants to know why he used her, she just wants him to know that she's sorry... .It's hard because she really doesn't have any friends, she has a hard time connecting with people and seems to push them all away.

I feel incredibly confused and worried that I'm going to be unceremoniously abandoned the second she seeks help. Am I overreacting by worrying about her relationship with her ex? Is the best thing for her to keep him as a friend or to cut him out completely? Is there anything I can do to help her stop hurting from him so much?

Some details: she knows she has BPD and bipolar and has known for several years. She is not seeking treatment at this time, but has an appointment in March to do so. She has previously been suicidal, to the point of overdosing and being hospitalised last October. Most nights she has a bad turn and usually expresses that she wants to die. She has little family whom she does not care for, partially due to the fact that her father was behind the abuse she recieved as a child. She grew up in foster care. She is on some mood stabilising meds, but needs to change them.

She lives some distance from me and can't handle being alone, so at the moment I'm kind of living with her.

Any help you could give me would be really appreciated. I care for her a great deal and don't want to be another person that abandoned or gave up on her. I've really only talked to my bff about some of the problems, but her concern was only for me and suggested that I leave, which I really don't want to do.

[ElectricQuills]

Hi! I only just found this place and have to say how great some of the people on here seem to be. It's wonderful that there is so much support and that especially family members and partners of BPD's can seek help.

So I've recently started a relationship with a girl who has both borderline personality disorder AND bipolar. Before the relationship I only had a limited knowledge of either disability, though more on bipolar than BPD.

I myself suffer from severe depression and am on medication to treat it, though at this point in time my meds aren't working and I need to change to new ones. But that's really not why I'm here.

I'm here for a few reasons: partially to get a feel for the help available, but I do have a couple of specific concerns.

My girlfriend has expressed to me that she doesn't get any enjoyment out of sex. Other than the obvious release at the end, she says it hurts and generally she has no interest. After some questions I also doscovered that she feels no desire or passion, she doesn't become turned on from any sort of stimuli, touching for her is annoying and uncomfortable. She does become horny (excuse my frankness) however, but only when the mood suits her, and simply when it hits her. The same goes with kissing: when she's in the mood, but most of the time she isn't bothered. Basically, she has zero sex drive. While that is a problem for me since I do have a high sex drive, what concerns me more is her lack of enjoyment from any form of sex. I know she doesn't connect emotions to sex. I want to help her become connected and be able to enjoy being with me, even if it's nothing other than enjoying cuddling. Is there something I can do to help? Is having no sex drive normal for BPD?

My other concern: her ex. They were together for a year and brokw up a few months ago. However, she is still very much in love with him. She has said, numerous times, that she does care for me and want to be with me, but she still texts him constantly. Most nights she breaks down and cries because she says she ruined their relationship (their breakup was due to him not being able to handle the fights any more) and that he will never love her again. She asked him if he would still be friends with her (he agreed to this) and asked him if she got better would he consider getting back together (this recieved no response). As you may have guessed, this raised my alarm bells and upset me a great deal. Most days she's okay and seems to be moving on, but the nights have been bad. He hurt her a great deal to the point that she wanted to seek revenge. I can't tell where I stand or if there's even any point to me being here, if she wants to be with her ex or is happy with me... .it's incredibly confusing! I've expressed this to her numerous times, with varied responses: she will always love him, she loves him but doubts it would ever happen with them again, she told me already that she wants to be with me, she just wants to know why he used her, she just wants him to know that she's sorry... .It's hard because she really doesn't have any friends, she has a hard time connecting with people and seems to push them all away.

I feel incredibly confused and worried that I'm going to be unceremoniously abandoned the second she seeks help. Am I overreacting by worrying about her relationship with her ex? Is the best thing for her to keep him as a friend or to cut him out completely? Is there anything I can do to help her stop hurting from him so much?

Some details: she knows she has BPD and bipolar and has known for several years. She is not seeking treatment at this time, but has an appointment in March to do so. She has previously been suicidal, to the point of overdosing and being hospitalised last October. Most nights she has a bad turn and usually expresses that she wants to die. She has little family whom she does not care for, partially due to the fact that her father was behind the abuse she recieved as a child. She grew up in foster care. She is on some mood stabilising meds, but needs to change them.

She lives some distance from me and can't handle being alone, so at the moment I'm kind of living with her.

Any help you could give me would be really appreciated. I care for her a great deal and don't want to be another person that abandoned or gave up on her. I've really only talked to my bff about some of the problems, but her concern was only for me and suggested that I leave, which I really don't want to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ElectricQuills]

Can I get this deleted please? The relationship ended and there's no chance I will be getting back with her.

[JohnLove]

There's really no need. Your story serves as a warning to others.

Relationships with Borderline individuals often end unceremoniously and without closure. By your post your girlfriend seemed to be dealing or not dealing with a lot of her stuff.

If you care to post what happened or are seeking support with what you have been through then we are still here.

All the best to you. 

[ElectricQuills]

You make a good point!

It turned out that my girlfriend had lied about wanting a relationship. She was never interested in romance, just wanted someone there to support her. If she had been honest from the beginning I would have helped her and been a friend, but she strung me along, using her past and issues as an excuse not to be intimate with me, used me, lied to me, manipulated me and didn't pay back a single cent I lent to her. I took care of her and tried to help her with her BPD. I've been on here, I got hwr CBT and DBT worksheets, but she just only cared about herself. I tried to be her friend after it became clear we weren't working in a relationship, but she couldn't make that work either. It wasn't until I finally told her that I wouldn't come and see her because I needed to take care of myself, that she revealed how cruel she could be. She did, however, apologise for lying before the end of the friendship. She knew she was never interested in a relationship from the beginning.

I stuck around as long as I could, I endured a lot of hate from her (though I did use techniques from the site to help) but I had to take care of myself. She wasn't recieving any professional help so she was destroying relationships. I still care about her, but the way she was acting, and not just at the end, it bordered on abuse. I know a lot of her problems stem from her BPD, but she uses it as an excuse. So now shes back to having zero friends and no one to lean on, she only has herself.

I know cutting her off seems harsh, but honestly she wasn't listening to anything. She would apologise for the way she acted, promised to think and be more giving, but would make the exact same mistakes again and again.

I really don't know what advice I can give. Maybe follow your instincts. I knew something was off, but because I cared for her I was willing to look past her problems and issues. It wouldn't stop me from having a relationship with someone with BPD, but I would want to take it a lot slower. She jumped right into wanting to move in and such right away.

I sound bitter I guess. But I don't regret anything. I tried my hardest to be there for her, I gave her the most support and care and loyalty that I'm capable of. I stayed longer than I should have, and I had my best friends telling me to get rid of her. Now, she simply doesn't deserve me in her life.

[JohnLove]

Oh dear ElectricQuills. I could've written most of that word for word about my situation.

You didn't have to actually warn others or give advice... .you merely had to share your story and let the reader draw their own conclusions.

While my exBPDgf really did want a "relationship" with me she seemed to have almost no clue how to achieve that... .let alone a healthy relationship.

While mine desperately craved intimacy and we had that, it took her no time to self destructively destroy it.

Mine was very narcissistic in a sense. She only cared about herself (and her needs) but in fact didn't. Quite the paradox.

Let's be gentle on ourselves but recognise things for what they ARE. The situations and behaviour don't "border" on abuse. IT IS ABUSE. Why else did you feel you needed to save yourself?

Lack of physical intimacy INSIDE a relationship. Taking advantage. Lying. Manipulation. Not paying back money (financial abuse) are ALL ABUSIVE behaviours when one is a "partner".

From close friendships a relationship can grow. It is my experience that relationships with a pwBPD go BACKWARDS. They start of by falsely creating what you would expect only after many real years of genuine intimacy, closeness, togetherness, and Love and then it's all downhill from there until you become strangers. Like before you even met. Quite the mindf#*k.

BPD is not an excuse... .it is a severe mental illness that masquerades as something else.

pwBPD are most often so damaged that any real learning is next to impossible. They repeat the damaging behaviours and destructive scenario's ad nauseam. Even with deep conversation and analysing what actually happened WITH THEM they go on to repeat the identical patterns even with the same partner. The lack of self awareness is simply mind boggling... .and that is the mental illness right there.

Your head can fool itself. Your heart will want what it wants. Your gut is always honest. You only have to listen for a moment. I feel that is what you mean by follow your instincts.

Relationships with pwBPD are intense... .and like a moth to a flame we are drawn in. Be careful with this mindset... .if you think you can "control" or "maintain" a relationship with an individual suffering mental illness you may be in for a bit of a surprise. That is what bought you here.

I don't believe you sound bitter. More like disappointed. You threw yourself into a bottomless pit expecting a good outcome. There is no thud at the end... .just a constant freefall into darkness... .and that is the most disturbing aspect of this. You believed in her when she couldn't believe in herself. You showed her Love when she had none for herself let alone for you. These things can be quite noble when mental illness is not involved.

Your last paragraph is particularly cathartic for both yourself and myself. Those things are true for both of us.

She showed you yourself, who you can be, and who you are.

I would be pretty satisfied by that.  

[Pablo333]

I find it a little ironic that im on the other side of this spectrum, i was basicly the triangulator with a girl who has BPD as a friend, while she went through a breakup, I wasnt interested in her outside of just talking.

But after about a year or so things started to get close and she went cold for a few weeks then pulled the im not a good person, i dont want to be in a relationship.

Im currently about to go NC with this woman as i said i don't want to be hurt waiting around for her to change her mind and its damaging to my self esteem, not those words but it was my self justification behind it. Be glad that this woman gave you closure or something as i was a wreck until i got some answers.