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Author Topic: Divorced but still entangled  (Read 357 times)
Jai Yen
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 160



« on: February 04, 2016, 10:50:26 PM »

About 3 years ago this forum helped me immensely to navigate my complex divorce to an UBPD/NPDw. Fortunately for me she moved back to Japan her home country prior to our divorce. We continue to operate a web-based business together that provides a nice additional income. We meet via Skype once or twice per week. We currently have two kids in college.

Recently she's been even more difficult to deal with than usual. I have boundaries that I won't allow her to cross such as me ending our Skype business meetings if she moves to personal issues that are uncomfortable (she's very curious if I'm dating or not) and/or she starts rambling on about how difficult her life is in very negative terms.

I've been dating a wonderful women for about 7 months. She is sound-minded and we have a very healthy relationship. We are starting to discuss ways to integrate our lives. My S19 has met my GF and I've told my D20 about her. Their mother doesn't know about her.

Questions:

1) My D20 will live in Japan from June of this year until August of next year. I feel like informing my ex about my GF so she has a chance to "absorb" the news before my daughter lives with her this summer. I would tell ex that I recently informed the kids. Is this a good idea? My though is that she would be less likely to pump my D20 or S19 about my love life. It would be out in the open.

2) I'm a bit concerned that my D20 will be the new recipient of her mother's rages and other very difficult behavior patterns. How much is appropriate for me to share with my daughter regarding her mother's issues? Of course D20 has witnessed and experienced her mother's unfavorable behavior for years. I worry about my D20 feeling like she needs to help solve her mother's problem and an unhealthy dynamic develops between she and her mother.

Any insight would be most welcome. Thank you in advance.
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2016, 11:23:11 PM »

To crib my T, "adult relationships are none of the kids' business." That was in reference to our then 2 and 5 year olds.

Of course, it's more complicated than that, especially with a pwBPD. The complication here is your business r/s with your daughters' mother.

Would alerting your Exw soon (months before the move) give her time to process and accept this? For someone without BPD, probably.

I sense that you are worried about D20 being unhealthily triangulated into drama. Over a rear with her mother is a long time.

Your daughters are adults. You're free to make your own choices as an independent enity (as is your Exw). Your business is yours and vice versa.  I see this as BIFF as required. "We're divorced. My life is mine, and yours is yours." End transmission.

How emotionally resilient is D20? Maybe it's time that she saw mom from an adult point-of-view. This would be a tough call for me. The risk is also your business.

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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Jai Yen
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 160



« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2016, 06:47:30 AM »

Turkish, I agree that adult relationships are none of the kids' business and absolutely none of the xBPDw business while dating and w/o a more serious relationship. I now have a more serious relationship so I naturally wanted to share it with my young adult aged kids. I think I'll discuss the matter of informing xBPDw about my serious GF and get their feedback. I honestly don't want share any part of my life with my xBPDw and I'm actively considering ways to finally disentangle from her as it relates to our business but perhaps her knowledge of my relationship may send the signal that's really over for good and that I've moved on... .Also, she'll not feel as much need to bug our kids about my love life ... .or not... .She's not rational so it's a stab in the dark.

My D20 is emotionally resilient. She's very stable and seems to manage her mother's unpleasantness ok. Fortunately, both xBPDw and D20 will be very busy during D20s time in Japan. This matter is more about my desire to protect D20 from the pain of dealing with a mentally unwell mother... .It's a default mode of mine since the kids have been very young. I'll work on it. I know D20 will be OK... .Thanks for the reply.
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ForeverDad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2016, 03:19:20 PM »

There's a centuries-old quote I think would be helpful for your children's time with their other parent:  "To be forewarned is to be forearmed."  Advance warning or preparation provides an advantage.  Review with them that prolonged exposure with their mother could influence them over time, distorted thinking combined with emotional influence could change their perspective and outlook.  If they are aware of this risk scenario, then they can be prepared — or less likely to be caught off guard.  And then while there you can keep in contact and Validate their observations and counter the influence they're likely to experience.

Of course, that may not be a big issue for your family since the children already have made their own conclusions and to a certain extent maintained solid boundaries with their mother. And they're young adults so custody is not an issue.

Preparation with awareness... .validation... .consistent boundaries... .

Needless to say, your Ex can be expected to blur the lines between work and family.  How that will be impacted and twisted when she learns of your new relationship is something to handle in as businesslike way as possible.  If she has had her own relationships since separation and divorce then you could use that as well, that you both can have other relationships.  Whether that logic will overcome her emotional perceptions and overreactions remains to be seen.  She will be prone to lash out at the you and kids, so you all need boundaries to know when to end contact when she dysregulates and lashes out.
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