I can't find words to validate this.

[Parents! Get help here!]

My oldest son 34, is an undiagnosed BPD but exhibits every symptom of a narcissistic BPD person. He was adopted and very much wanted.  He had a extremely difficult childhood pushing every limit and rule my husband and I made.    If we made a boundary, it was his to break.  We took every parenting class and read every book on parenting because of his spirited nature.  We were good parents who were Boy Scout leaders, soccer coach, and involved with him in karate for 5 yrs.  put him through a community college for 6 yrs. 

we have since raised three other children who are very good people, all graduated from a 4 yr college and are functioning respectful and responsible adults. 

He is living his life now hanging from a thread.  Married and in an abusive relationship with 4 children.  He is emotionally and verbally abusive to them. DSF is involved and lost custody and has 3 court dates pending in relationships with his children and wife. 

My question is... .he tells me he has issues with my husband and I from his childhood.  He says that on numerous occasions when his life is spiraling down and he is disregulating.  I feel like it is an attack on us at that time.  I used to take it personally because I was uneducated on BPD behaviors.  I no longer take it to heart.  My question is what is the best response when he says it again.  I feel like I should not validate that to any degree. 

[understandnow]

My oldest son 34, is an undiagnosed BPD but exhibits every symptom of a narcissistic BPD person. He was adopted and very much wanted.  He had a extremely difficult childhood pushing every limit and rule my husband and I made.    If we made a boundary, it was his to break.  We took every parenting class and read every book on parenting because of his spirited nature.  We were good parents who were Boy Scout leaders, soccer coach, and involved with him in karate for 5 yrs.  put him through a community college for 6 yrs. 

we have since raised three other children who are very good people, all graduated from a 4 yr college and are functioning respectful and responsible adults. 

He is living his life now hanging from a thread.  Married and in an abusive relationship with 4 children.  He is emotionally and verbally abusive to them. DSF is involved and lost custody and has 3 court dates pending in relationships with his children and wife. 

My question is... .he tells me he has issues with my husband and I from his childhood.  He says that on numerous occasions when his life is spiraling down and he is disregulating.  I feel like it is an attack on us at that time.  I used to take it personally because I was uneducated on BPD behaviors.  I no longer take it to heart.  My question is what is the best response when he says it again.  I feel like I should not validate that to any degree. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Slipping]

Hi understandnow,

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.  How wonderful that you have reached the point where you don't take it personally any longer.

Like you,  I struggle with my uBPD29 daughter's accusations about her childhood.  I also try to use validation as much as possible and for a long time, this stumped me completely. I don't think I have it solved but I have found something that helps me sometimes.

I've noticed that my daughter's accusations generally come later in a conversation where she has been dysregulated by something that is entirely unrelated to me or her childhood.  Sometimes I can actually watch it happen, especially if we are using text messages.  For example, she will text me b/c she has had an argument with her husband.  So, she is already dysregulated.  Then,  as I let her talk, she moves from anger at him to anger at something else, and will end by raging at me in very colorful language that I'm the worst mother in the history of the world and I don't deserve to have children.  Perhaps you can relate.

Now that I've looked back over your note,it sounds like that might be what's happening to you too. Your son is accusing you b/c he has to blame someone for the pain he's in at the moment.  Seems like we're an easy target.

One thing I have tried (and it doesn't always work) is to start validating early and often about the current problem before it spirals into attacks on me.  Or if she calls and immediately starts attacking me, I try to find out what has gone on during the day and redirect the conversation.  Of course, that's not always possible.  With my daughter it never seems to work to tell her that I don't remember things the way that she does.  She will then attack me for my faulty memory!  So redirection works best for me when I can manage it.

I'm very curious to hear what others have to say.

Wishing you all the best,

Slipping

[understandnow]

That's exactly what's going on with me.  I can surely relate.  Usually he is raging at something completely unrelated and is hurting inside.  It seems he wants me to take some of that pain away from him.  Of course I know I can't.  He knows that I have been vulnerable in the past and it worked before. 

Thanks for the words of advice. 

[SAAT]

Absolutely spot on for my d24 diagnosed. The strange thing is - in her lucid moments she agrees she had a fantastic childhood for the most part.  However  when something goes wrong for her my husband and I are her first targets. I dont have to tell you how wearing this is!  One  thing I have used with some success was to have dvds made of funtimes she had with her sisters when young which I have shown her. I also remind her of positive memories all the time so she doesnt get stuck on the negative ones.

[understandnow]

Thank you for your understanding.  Amazing how there is a common theme. 

[bpdmom1]

My daughter is also adopted.  We adopted her at 11 months.  She has been diagnosed with BPD traits as she isn't 18 years old yet.  She has been emotionally deregulated since we adopted her.  She would like your son push every single rule and also would escalate her behavior with every rule. She has had a great childhood, but still feels we are to blame, for what we don't know.  She is currently in a therapeutic boarding school where she is learning coping skills.  She has started EMDR recently to help reduce trauma as they feel her first year of life was traumatic, plus she had an injury as a young child that was also traumatic. 

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.  I've been reading up on validation and find it difficult to validate when my daughter goes on about her distorted truths.  We were told to only validate her feeling, tell her we care without getting into a data debate.  I'm not sure how successful we are as last time we stated we care she stated we don't because... .And when we say we understand we get you can't understanding... .  It if very hard. 

[understandnow]

 Thankyou BPDmom1.  After reading many articles on adoptive children and now with adoptive adults there is much concern over behaviors.  I wish there was more knowledge of this when he was growing up (34).  I don't think I validated him at all.  He was diagnosed with adhd, oppositional behavior, bipolar, aspergers and more.  He was on medications for everything and nothing worked.  He disregulated frequently and I think I could have diffused some of them with more understanding.  But it is what it is, and I can only learn from here. 

I went to a parenting class once and most of the entire row was moms and dads who have an adopted child whom the loved very much.  They were, as i, concerned over extremely difficult temper tantrums where they would throw everything in arms reach, totally out of concern for hours.  I took everything out of my son's room and he broke the window and punched the screen out.  Some moms were there because their 3-4 yr old wouldn't share.  Me saying to myself I wish that was my big issue.  Nobody understood the challenge that we were dealing with. Thank goodness for this board.