Incommunicato

[rarsweet]

Exes phone was disconnected January 11th. He doesn't have internet to use email. Haven't had a conversation beyond 30 seconds at a couple of drop offs since. I have been Facebook messaging the friend he is staying with to figure out pickups and drop offs. Well I messaged 2 days ago about a pick up and his friend said she hasn't seen him to tell him. Not that I am complaining about not hearing from him, but how do I share decision making with this? And where is he if he isn't where he says he is?

[Thunderstruck]

That's pretty ridiculous. You shouldn't have to jump through so many hoops.

The library has free internet. He can email you there.

[bravhart1]

If he doesn't have a house to live in, a phone to reach him or Internet to email, then I think you are covered as far as NOT trying to co parent with him.

I would cease all attempts to find or contact him , as well as any child exchanges, where would he take them, how would he get medical/emergency help if necessary?

He's not ready for the responsibility of parenthood, clearly.

[Sunfl0wer]

It seems as though your interest in co-parenting with him is stronger than his interest in co-parenting.

You have an email, phone, and FB available to him to reach you when he is willing/ready/able.

You have gone above and beyond in attempts to reach him.

Do you feel responsible for his lack of co-parenting with you?

 

Do you think his absence is maybe a way of him telling you he needs space from a parenting role?

[rarsweet]

So I again messages the friend he is staying with today and she said she still hasn't seen him. So I broke down and said " so I need to have a way to reach him if it was an emergency" she said " he went up north on Saturday and I having seen him since, I understand your frustration, of I had a number to reach him at I would give it to you". Up north is where his sister lives, 2 hours away. Must be nice to be jobless and just take off for 6 days. He doesnt get daughter until Thursday. I am done trying anything. Hopefully we get a court date soon. He convinced his sister to unfriend me on Facebook and won't give her number so absolutely no way to reach. Assuming he is at his sisters.

[rarsweet]

What really irks me is last month when I took daughter to the emergency room for diaper rash he actually told me that I was trying to eliminate him by not contacting him before I brought her. Guess I am supposed to put an apb out for him first. What a joke.

[Sunfl0wer]

I am sorry, this sucks!

I have had some really really sucky moments as a single mom wishing I could have a larger family to offer my child or share his growing up with someone.

Yet, it may feel like it... .  It really isn't your job to provide a dad for your child.

I hope you can consider the possibility that your example to your child is to be the best rarsweet you can be, and that does not extend to offering her things beyond your control.

[rarsweet]

So he called last night. Apparently from his grandmother's up north. He said his aunt has been staying with his gram and is taking advantage of her financially so he went up north to try and help his gram. This from the guy living off a single mom here and not working for 2.5 years. I swear he has been having some issues with his friend and is looking for the next person to leech off of. He made sure to start rambling about how hard the hard the job market is and that he is willing to take daughter anytime I want until he gets back to working. Of course with voices in the background, people to show off for. I just let him ramble for a few minutes and said goodbye.

[livednlearned]

It seems as though your interest in co-parenting with him is stronger than his interest in co-parenting.

You have an email, phone, and FB available to him to reach you when he is willing/ready/able.

You have gone above and beyond in attempts to reach him.

Do you feel responsible for his lack of co-parenting with you?

 

Do you think his absence is maybe a way of him telling you he needs space from a parenting role?

Sunfl0wer asks some really good questions.

What do you think, rarsweet?

[rarsweet]

I think I am done spending my energy and time on him. I do whatever I can to make sure our daughter is happy and healthy. If he wants to be a dad he can act like one. Judge accepted my motions to modify Parenting Plan and Child Support, so court in a month. Now I prepare for him to flip when he gets served. Oh well.

[Turkish]

I think I am done spending my energy and time on him. I do whatever I can to make sure our daughter is happy and healthy. If he wants to be a dad he can act like one.

[rarsweet]

Ex's friend, who he is "staying with", messaged me on FB today, She said " Hey does ex have daughter tonight, I haven't seen him since Saturday and I wanna plan my tonight".(He has to leave if she has dates over) I said he only has her Thursday, Friday, and sometimes on Saturday. She was surprised. So what is he doing, lying? And where the hell is he going taking off for 6 days at a time and where does he get gas money? Is it a good case for sole legal decision making? I can't even get a hold of the guy, heaven forbid something happened. 2 weeks in a row I was messaging his friend looking for him now this week it's the other way around. Ridiculous.

[rarsweet]

Wow she just messaged me "going on vaca in April hun, he damn well better have a job and phone by then"

[rarsweet]

The s.o.b. no showed to pick up daughter today. My mom was late for work and I was at work scrambling to get ahold of my teenage babysitter who was in school. Finally I get an email from him from God knows where saying he is broke down and won't be picking daughter up. His friend who he is staying with said she still hasn't seen him since Saturday. I just said in my court motions 2 weeks ago that his truck was unreliable and a danger. He now says he wants to chat this weekend. I told him whatever he wants to talk about he can send in an email since he is apparently somewhere where there is a computer. Oh and he said he is busy trying to get into vocational rehab. I nicely sent him attachments with the rules saying you must have a documented disability to qualify and that your employer has to pay for it. He hasn't had an employer since 2013 and he doesn't have a disability.

[ForeverDad]

What a load of whatever.   (That's the closest you'll get me using colorful language.)  I recall a member here writing that he knew when Ex was lying because it was when Ex opened her mouth.   So whatever your Ex claims has to be sent through your Reality & Validation Filter, maybe more than once.

I think I am done spending my energy and time on him. I do whatever I can to make sure our daughter is happy and healthy. If he wants to be a dad he can act like one.

You've been way more than fair, it's about time you set firmer limits on how much he can yank your chain.  However, I think you have a tendency to relapse into your "I have to keep trying to make it work" mode.  Be forewarned that we'll call you out on that if and when it happens again.  Tough Love and all that.

[rarsweet]

Well he no showed again today. No word from him at all. His friend still hasn't seen or heard from him since last Saturday. She seems more pissed than me. She actually offered to babysit for me . I had a sitter planned though. He is supposed to have daughter tomorrow for a few hours. I emailed him earlier and said if I didn't hear from him by 5 I was just setting up a sitter for tomorrow. Absolutely no word back. Funny thing is I told his friend he was broke down and replacing his battery and alternator. In December he no showed for 3 days because he was broke down replacing his battery and alternator. First she had heard of it even though at that time he said his truck got towed to her place. I also forwarded his texts from the middle of December about his truck to him just to show I am not buying his b.s. anymore. His friend hadn't heard anything about a vocational rehab and even said that wouldn't apply to him. I told his friend I appreciate her being our middle man but no more. If he can't find a way to communicate with me I don't care. My niceness has run out. I am just thankful our daughter is only 19 months old and doesn't like going with him anyway.

[bravhart1]

Please forgive me if this sounds too harsh, but I think it's crazy to even consider letting a 19 month old baby be left in care of a clearly unstable, unreliable man with some serious "issues" when he doesn't even have a way to call 911 if she had an emergency. The time she has spent with him has been troubling enough, she can't even tell you what happens to her.

He may be her biological father, but he's no dad. And maybe it's time that you face that you are doing this alone. If you spent less effort on finding him, trying to make him come correct for her, you would have more energy to focus on you and making the best life you can for her.

It comes from a motherly place in my heart. I've been there, it's not easy, it's scary to think about having such a huge responsibility to face alone. But I think trying to drag him into responsibility for her is going to be harder and futile.

[rarsweet]

He is still gone. No word since Thursday. His friend hasn't heard from him at all. She is beyond angry. She has told me a few things. He has been getting money from her, no surprise. Tomorrow I will go file an ex parte.  I think its no coincidence he left the day after getting served child support papers. I am so done being nice. He cab grow up or get out of the picture.

[ForeverDad]

She is beyond angry. She has told me a few things. He has been getting money from her, no surprise.

He is a User.  She was his next Target (or chump or mark or income stream).  Once you started to set boundaries and not support him any more, he looked elsewhere.

Tomorrow I will go file an ex parte.  I think its no coincidence he left the day after getting served child support papers.

Probably for the best.

[livednlearned]

He cab grow up or get out of the picture.

What do you think of bravhart's message?

I agree that your ex is very consistently sending the message that he is not in a position to be a viable father.

It's tough to admit that we are parenting alone. It can feel stigmatizing, and after a while, it can get really, really lonely.

Do you feel ready to go there?

[ForeverDad]

If he is a no-show to the hearing then you'll win by default.  If that happens don't tell the court "well, he's really not that bad".  Be consistent.  That's important.  Court needs to know you have solid boundaries and won't waffle and undo parts of the order.  If you need to secure your parenting with a new order, don't weaken it or give the impression that you will ignore some of these new protections.  You won't look to be vindictive, you will be seen as firm for your child's best interests.

Although school is a few years away, make sure the order lists you as the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  That will be one less reason to return to court when she needs to start school.

The ex parte will probably only last until the scheduled hearing or go away once a better order is in place.

[rarsweet]

I am already sole residential as of last August. The standing parenting plan says he can have her Thursday, Friday, and Saturdays, during my evening working hours. That is literally it. I technically don't have evening shifts anymore, I am out by 5. So to keep peace I have been agreeing to him drop her off at 7. I have kept a meticulous calendar of his times with her. Adds up to about 10% time since August. My motions to modify that were filed two weeks ago list only Tuesdays and Thursdays 3:30-7 and every other Saturday for a few hours. And a motion for child support, seek work order, and that I have tax exemption every year. He can either agree or fight for something else. Can't see the judge going for anything else.

[livednlearned]

You may be able to suggest even less based on your ex's tenuous living conditions and his inconsistent history of making his time with D.

For example, you may be able to suggest that his visitation is conditional on a steady address, a way to transport her, a cell phone, etc. When he can meet those conditions, then the schedule will be xyz. Or something like that.

Your ex is in pretty bad shape as far as documented incompetence compared to other BPD parents discussed here. You don't want to ask the court to give him more than anyone in that room thinks is reasonable.

[unicorn2014]

I don't have answers but I can relate. My ex refuses to give me his address because he doesn't want be giving it to child support. I only know the town he's living in, not the street. May I ask your custody arrangements?

[rarsweet]

Well I can't get him served since isn't here, ugh. Got in touch with his dad, even though it was a long shot. He called ex's sister and gram, he isn't at either place. Maybe he really is just taking off. My mom was saying a few weeks ago that ex was getting to his 4 year shelf life. He hasn't lived in any state longer than 4 years his whole life. May would be 4 years here. Maybe he is doing us a favor. Just have to wait for court in 29 days.

[rarsweet]

He emailed a few hours ago and said he wanted daughter on Friday. Said that just when he is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I alienate him from his daughter. He wants us to be super good friends again. And he is sorry he put us in a bad spot by breaking down on the highway and fixing his truck for 2 days. He hopes this week goes better. Doesn't explain being gone since the 13th nor the fact that he still isn't here. I told him I planned for childcare since he didn't contact me.