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Author Topic: Need someone to listen  (Read 435 times)
Helens
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: February 13, 2016, 04:13:18 AM »

Hi

I am 40 yrs old and I am still living with emotions of sadness and anger from growing up with my mother who has got a personality disorder as she ticks every box but yet has never been formally diagnosed as in her eyes she is completely normal.  When I even suggest she gets help she attacks me verbally and denys all the years of verbal abuse ever happened. She has no recollection! This for me is the most frustrating bit ! Myself, my 2 older sisters and my Dad grew up in a verbally abusive and emotionally draining environment where we were all walking on eggshells around her, constantly trying to keep her happy as we new the consequences if she was upset.  Over the years she gambled - playing bingo and slot machines.  Her and my Dad had huge arguments and he turned to drink.  She wore him down.  She never listens to anything we say and only really cares about herself and how things impact her. I feel I didn't have a mum and still don't and that makes me sad... .
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anon72
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
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« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2016, 07:47:12 AM »

Hi

I am 40 yrs old and I am still living with emotions of sadness and anger from growing up with my mother who has got a personality disorder as she ticks every box but yet has never been formally diagnosed as in her eyes she is completely normal.  When I even suggest she gets help she attacks me verbally and denys all the years of verbal abuse ever happened. She has no recollection! This for me is the most frustrating bit ! Myself, my 2 older sisters and my Dad grew up in a verbally abusive and emotionally draining environment where we were all walking on eggshells around her, constantly trying to keep her happy as we new the consequences if she was upset.  Over the years she gambled - playing bingo and slot machines.  Her and my Dad had huge arguments and he turned to drink.  She wore him down.  She never listens to anything we say and only really cares about herself and how things impact her. I feel I didn't have a mum and still don't and that makes me sad... .

Hey Helens,

I am new here also, but completely understand where you are coming from.  Am sure that other people will be here shortly to listen and give some advice.  I am 43 and my mum has also never been diagnosed and there is no way that I could possibly even suggest something like that - it was all of our fault. She is the perfect Queen Mother and doesn't remember any of it - so totally understand where you are coming from.  Eggshells, yep.

I don't know what to suggest - as I am still new to this whole thing - am sure that someone with more experience will suggest something.  Caring about herself only and how things impact her - totally relate.  Re being sad about not having a mum - can also relate.

Not sure I am helping a lot, but just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and we are all here to support each other.  A big hug, we are all in this together.  It is difficult as hell, I know.  Take care, Anon72
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Kwamina
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2016, 10:28:53 AM »

Hi Helens

I would like to join anon72 in welcoming you here

I too can very much relate to your post. It isn't easy at all being raised by a disordered parent. The fact that your mother is unwilling or unable to see that there's something wrong with her behavior and doesn't seek help unfortunately only makes things harder.

Being verbally abused is quite unpleasant indeed. You also mention her gambling and only caring about how things impact her. That's very tough to deal with as children. Can you tell us a bit more about your mother's behaviors that lead you to believe she has BPD?

Your sadness about not having a 'real' mother is understandable. Accepting the reality of BPD, our BPD parent and the consequences this has for the relationship we are able to have with them, also means letting go of the loving 'fantasy' parent we probably never had and might never have, yet deep inside might still long for very much. Do you feel like you've been able to start to accept the reality of your BPD mother and let go of the 'fantasy' parent?

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here. Many members (including me) have a BPD parent too and will be able to relate to your story
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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
busybee1116
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2016, 09:02:18 PM »

Excerpt
I feel I didn't have a mum and still don't and that makes me sad... .

Me too. And I'm sad for you too. I've been working on improving my relationships with other women mentors in my life. It's not the same, but better than what I had/have with my mother!  I think my therapist is as close as I will get to a surrogate mother and I treasure the time I have with her. I'm also in a group therapy with other women and that has been so good. I also get "mothering" elsewhere. I spend time with nurturing, supportive people and do wonderful things that make me feel good and alive. One thing that I have absolutely loved doing lately is taking a different walking path. I bump into all sorts of lovely people now who walk the nicest dogs. It sounds so silly, but seeing my fuzzy dog friends and getting puppy love has been the best thing the last few weeks. Some girlfriends and I make it a habit to group text and check in with each other and we meet for lunch or coffee once a month now.
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Sea Holly

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2016, 10:45:58 AM »

Hi Helens,

That realisation that you never had - and never will have - the mother you deserve is really, really hard. When I started going through this a couple of years ago I felt like I was going through the worst kind of grief. I still find it hard to accept sometimes, and sometimes I still get very angry about the way she's treated me as a child and an adult. But as my acceptance of the situation has improved, I do feel much, much happier. Now I have no expectations of her at all.

The tips BusyBee gives are really good ones. I'm getting through it by being really kind to myself, by spending time with people I love and who truly love me, doing things that bring me joy. I can relate to BusyBee's walks - walking my dog helped me no end! Practising mindfulness is very helpful too - it sounds really corny but if I'm having a bad day, just stopping for a moment and listening to the birds singing, or looking at trees against a blue sky, can help me feel more grounded. I'll also dip into this forum when I'm feeling wobbly - I don't write much but just reading the other posts reminds you you're not alone!

Also - and this may sound weird - I recently "gave myself permission" to feel sad. This was particularly important for me as I was never allowed to express negative emotions as a child (as that challenged my m's view of our "perfect" family). Just telling yourself that, yes, the situation is awful, and of course it will make you feel sad, can sometimes be enough to make you feel a bit better. (Worked for me, anyway!)

Wishing you happiness xxx

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busybee1116
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« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2016, 04:48:51 PM »

Checking in with you Helens!
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