He's doing better but I'm burned out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My patience is at a record level low, even though I currently don't have much to complain about. I figure since there's no crisis to respond to, some of those feelings I stuffed when I was "managing" him are now resurfacing. Because I'm good at being a "poker face" I'm trying not to give any of this outward expression. But it is baffling how irritated I feel. Any comments?

[Cat Familiar]

My patience is at a record level low, even though I currently don't have much to complain about. I figure since there's no crisis to respond to, some of those feelings I stuffed when I was "managing" him are now resurfacing. Because I'm good at being a "poker face" I'm trying not to give any of this outward expression. But it is baffling how irritated I feel. Any comments?

[patientandclear]

Cat, what are the feelings you stuffed all that time?

[Cat Familiar]

Irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger, grief, rage, disgust, hurt, sorrow, annoyance, love--in no particular order. Patientandclear, thanks for asking.

[HurtinNW]

Yes, I get it. I wonder if the fact our conflict is down has allowed me to see more clearly our problems, and to process the feelings that were put at bay during chaos. Our bodies and minds shut down when we are dealing with trauma. Later when the air clears all those feelings come rushing up.

[thisagain]

I had a similar experience. Looking back, I have a couple thoughts on it... .

1) Even her "doing better" was exhausting. A constant barrage of poorly regulated negative emotions, inability to self-soothe, rage if I made one misstep. Using the tools helped me to minimize huge blow-ups and somewhat keep the negativity from affecting me. But it was still exhausting and didn't look like the kind of relationship I wanted.

2) She'd put me through a lot of abuse and almost never acknowledged it. I wasn't able to radically accept all of it, so there was a lot of hurt bubbling up, and I had some post-traumatic type symptoms. She couldn't understand that I would be sensitive about certain issues or people. So instead of understanding when I was triggered by something, she'd rage at me about it.

It might seem like you have nothing current to complain about, but maybe little things are reminding you of some of the big things that happened before? Can you think of any patterns to when you're getting irritated or impatient?

[Notwendy]

Cat, I also deal with burn out sometimes even though thankfully things have improved. I think part of the problem is that, the tough stuff happened, but with someone who doesn't get deeply into how hurtful it was, that can make it harder for us to let go of it.

Our situation has been comparatively milder, but that doesn't erase the fact that it was hurtful. I think I have worked on my co-dependency part of it ( and still am) and yet, it seems that our partners prefer to not be so introspective.

Still, while it may not be the way I chose to resolve things, if there is improvement, then the choice is to encourage it, or to push for introspection- and that is likely to not work well.

Part of acceptance is accepting that people are different- that a deep apology is perhaps too painful. I recall one apology on the part of my mother that was almost comical. It began with " maybe I might have possibly done that" when referring to something hurtful. For her, that was a giant step to even consider admitting it. I felt I had to acknowledge that step for her, even though what she did was hurtful at the time. By not reacting or being triggered, and staying calm - I think she felt more secure talking to me. I have found that not reacting to the emotion in the moment has also helped in my marriage.

My H likes to put the past behind him as if I am expected to instantly forget, but I don't work that way. I think we do tend to ignore our feelings when in survival mode, and if things improve wonder why they had to be so tough before. However, I have found that bringing up past hurts is almost futile.

I don't judge the feelings, they are what they are. I find that if I give myself the space to just feel them, they can resolve.

[formflier]

Irritation, frustration, disappointment, anger, grief, rage, disgust, hurt, sorrow, annoyance, love--in no particular order. Patientandclear, thanks for asking.

So, what do you do with disgust when it comes up in a r/s?  Because, honestly, that's where I am.  Been there for a while.

The values that my wife and her FOO demonstrate and will flat out say, are disgusting, I want nothing to do with them.

They will take the money that the VA gives for disabilities, happily move into a house with a VA mortgage on it, wave flags at a fourth of july party, but the actual veteran responsible for all of that is not welcome in that house because they want to watch a TV. 

Never really had those feelings toward anyone that used to be close to me or is close to me, whatever.

FF

[Notwendy]

FF, is it disgust, or is it resentment? Because resentment is on us to deal with.

What do we do with feelings? Feel them, and take a personal note on them. But we don't have to act on all of them. Some we do, some we don't.  I don't think we have to deny them or stuff them.

Resentment is when we give up something of ourselves, and feel resentful because the other person doesn't reciprocate or act appreciative, but we can not make them do that. If we feel resentful then it is up to us to decide if we want to give that much.

I think , IMHO, you need to let go of the idea  about being a veteran in the context of family. It sounds as if because your wife and her FOO, are benefiting in some way from your position as a veteran, that they should treat you a certain way because you are a veteran. It doesn't work that way in relationships. It would be a if Dr Kildare came home from saving lives and expected his wife to somehow show him special appreciation because he is Dr Kildare.  But his wife isn't in a relationship with Dr. Kildare. She is not his patient. She is in a relationship with Mr Kildare and her life with him is about intimacy between them. It's different. Your wife is not in a relationship with Officer FF, she is in a relationship with you and veteran status is not a part of that.

A relationship with a child or spouse isn't dependent on what that spouse does for a living. Kids, spouse, they are dealing with you, not what you do.

[Grey Kitty]

Cat, is there more you can do to make your life fulfilling to you (independent of your H)?

You've got a (relatively) smooth time, and can use it to find more for yourself. Friends. Activities. Self care. Whatever you need more of.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks for all the comments. It's so great to feel understood--sometimes a rare feeling when you live in BPDland.

I can chalk up this improvement in my husband to a recent health scare when his blood pressure crept up to a very high level. Like many BPDs, he didn't seem to have a sense of cause and effect and acted as if he was going to live forever. For years I'd been aghast at his self-medicating with alcohol and had started many arguments with him, hoping to get him to see that he was doing damage to his health. (You can imagine how productive that was.)

Last year when I had my physical, I informed our doctor of his alcohol abuse and how he combined it with the sleeping pills and muscle relaxants she prescribed for him. She was quite alarmed at how much he was consuming on a daily basis.

So when his blood pressure climbed to a dangerous level and he started noticing that he was feeling bad due to that, he got an appointment. He was given medication, advice to exercise (which I had been telling him for years to no avail), and his doctor told him he was only to have one glass of wine a night, rather than one and a half or two bottles.

He has been following her advise more or less. What he considers one glass is certainly way more than a "generous pour" but the important part is that he has cut down substantially. And he's a much nicer person to be around due to not being inebriated every evening and hungover the next morning.


Now for me... .I realized that I'm largely responsible for "ruining" the previous relationship with my husband by nagging, begging, pleading about the alcohol abuse. All in all, my intervention attempts did nothing but undermine the good feelings we formerly had for one another. I think it's possible to rebuild the relationship and I think we're both willing to do that. But I want to stress to others with a pwBPD who drinks too much--NAGGING THEM ABOUT THEIR ALCOHOL ABUSE IS UNLIKELY TO LEAD TO POSITIVE CHANGES!

Since things are better, I'm having a moment to metaphorically catch my breath and I know that's why these negative feelings are coming to the foreground. It's an opportunity to reevaluate the relationship. In sum, I think there's a lot more pluses than minuses--quite different from my marriage with my first BPD husband. I do want to make things better between us and I definitely have to take responsibility for my attitudes of annoyance and frustration. I think the alcohol abuse made me much less tolerant of other "little things" like differences in cleanliness when tidying up the kitchen.

So I'm just sitting with these feelings. They are not ever-present, but they do manifest in surprising ways. I have a sense of humor about myself when I see myself getting pissed off about something as insignificant as a frying pan that is clean on the inside, but has gunk stuck to the bottom.

I'm making more time to ride my horses with new friends. This is something that grounds me, keeps me in the moment, and reminds me to be humble. The more I learn about these magnificent creatures, the more I realize how little I know--about everything in life.

[Suzn]

I'm making more time to ride my horses with new friends. This is something that grounds me, keeps me in the moment, and reminds me to be humble. The more I learn about these magnificent creatures, the more I realize how little I know--about everything in life.

This reminds me of the scene with the horse in the movie 28 days with Sandra Bullock. She has learned to trust herself, push past her fears, find some humor in her thoughts and trust the horse at the same time. I think working with horses would be a such a great way to approach self care. 





 

[Notwendy]

I think you are correct about the drinking. I've spent enough time in co-dependency groups to know that nagging is not effective, but sometimes ( hopefully and sadly not) the natural consequences- like the health issue- would be. Sadly not all the time.


What I find myself noticing is the little miscommunications that I didn't see before. Not in a negative way, but in understanding that we really process verbal communication differently. My H recently asked me a question. I started to answer but he interrupted me and then, stated the question again and that he didn't want to argue and it was just a simple question. But, I wasn't arguing in the first place. Before, I would have JADED that, and the whole conversation would have gone down the rabbit hole into crazy talk. I didn't react, repeated the answer and that was that. Yet it reminds me how things that are not intended to be arguments, or criticism, get "heard" as such. It is these little things that have in the past turned into drama, but not taking them personally and not reacting has helped. They are not about me.  

Looking at what I know now, I can reframe some of the hurtful things by realizing how he misinterpreted me. It doesn't change them, but it does help me not take them as personally as I did at the time.

[Grey Kitty]

Now for me... .I realized that I'm largely responsible for "ruining" the previous relationship with my husband by nagging, begging, pleading about the alcohol abuse. All in all, my intervention attempts did nothing but undermine the good feelings we formerly had for one another. I think it's possible to rebuild the relationship and I think we're both willing to do that. But I want to stress to others with a pwBPD who drinks too much--NAGGING THEM ABOUT THEIR ALCOHOL ABUSE IS UNLIKELY TO LEAD TO POSITIVE CHANGES!

You are completely right here... .but I hope you can be more gentle on yourself than it sounds with taking responsibility for "ruining" things.

Yes, your previous course of action made things worse.

Yes, your shift helped things improve.

However a relationship takes two. The previously worse times were (I'm 99% sure) not the sole result of your nagging, but the result of lots of poor behavior on your H's part too, and not just drinking too much.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Cat,  ,  I am glad things are better.  But, I understand why you feel not so great.  You have been in a struggle.  I have lived with an active alcoholic and believe me, I know that it is exhausting.  Now that he is not drinking you think that by sheer cause and effect you should feel better.  But, it doesn't work that way. 

It is impossible to rationally deal with alcoholism.  I am sure you did the best you could, I doubt you ruined anything.  In a relationship with an alcoholic/BPD many things go unsaid.  As you say, feelings are stuffed.  What to do with those feelings?  Million dollar question.

Be kind to yourself.  Glad to hear that spending time with your horse is helping.  Sounds like great therapy.  Keep on taking care of you! 

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks everyone for the great comments.

She has learned to trust herself, push past her fears, find some humor in her thoughts and trust the horse at the same time.  I have learned to trust myself and the greatest self-care gift I can give is to find humor in my husband's behavior (of course I don't share that with him). Being able to laugh at things that I used to take personally gives me a lot of freedom and the ability to develop alternative responses rather than feeling hurt, as I did in the past. Being around animals definitely helps me not take those human mind games so seriously.

I started to answer but he interrupted me and then, stated the question again and that he didn't want to argue and it was just a simple question. But, I wasn't arguing in the first place. Before, I would have JADED that, and the whole conversation would have gone down the rabbit hole into crazy talk. I didn't react, repeated the answer and that was that. Yet it reminds me how things that are not intended to be arguments, or criticism, get "heard" as such. It is these little things that have in the past turned into drama, but not taking them personally and not reacting has helped. They are not about me.  

Wow, does this ever sound familiar. It's just amazing how quickly they can make something into a criticism or an argument. What a rotten world they must inhabit to feel so vulnerable and threatened at such inconsequential things.

You are completely right here... .but I hope you can be more gentle on yourself than it sounds with taking responsibility for "ruining" things.

Yes, your previous course of action made things worse.

Yes, your shift helped things improve.

However a relationship takes two. The previously worse times were (I'm 99% sure) not the sole result of your nagging, but the result of lots of poor behavior on your H's part too, and not just drinking too much. I'm not taking too much responsibility, it's rather that I could not willingly continue a fantasy relationship and not state my truth. For a pwBPD, this probably came across as aggressive, threatening and criticizing. I'm past the "it's all his fault for being a drunk a-hole" phase. I do see my part in this and now I understand that confrontation about drinking didn't work. But being with an alcohol abuser is no picnic and they don't seem to really get how they negatively impact other people.

But, I understand why you feel not so great.  You have been in a struggle.  I have lived with an active alcoholic and believe me, I know that it is exhausting.  Now that he is not drinking you think that by sheer cause and effect you should feel better.  But, it doesn't work that way.  

Yes, it has been exhausting to observe how alcoholism destroys relationships. I feel like I'm catching my breath. And though he's cut back, I'm not harboring any illusions that he's done with this coping mechanism. Addiction is an ugly process.

[Grey Kitty]

I think that this improvement has indeed allowed you to catch your breath and evaluate things a bit more carefully... .which is an interesting and scary place to be. 

But, I understand why you feel not so great.  You have been in a struggle.  I have lived with an active alcoholic and believe me, I know that it is exhausting.  Now that he is not drinking you think that by sheer cause and effect you should feel better.  But, it doesn't work that way.  

Yes, it has been exhausting to observe how alcoholism destroys relationships. I feel like I'm catching my breath. And though he's cut back, I'm not harboring any illusions that he's done with this coping mechanism. Addiction is an ugly process.

You are right on there. And there is a very harsh question buried in it. Addiction is always ugly, and it has a variety of faces, some a lot worse than others. How ugly can you live with? How ugly is worth putting up with because of his good characteristics? How ugly is worth putting up with because of all the associated costs (emotional, time, money, everything) of ending things instead?

You also have the option of answering this sort of question in both big and small ways. Small = "What behavior will I put up with, and what boundaries will I put into place to protect myself from the behavior?" Big = the relationship questions in the paragraph above.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, GK. Tomorrow I will have a couple of days to ponder those questions. He's treating himself to a couple of days at a spa a few hundred miles from here. So while he's soaking in mineral water, I will be catching up on housework, cleaning my saddles and enjoying a rainy day.

I'm glad he's going. I realize that just being around him raises my anxiety level. When I'm alone, I'm not an anxious person, but I seem to be very succeptible to "catching" his ambient anxiety lately.

At the beginning of the year, I quit drinking. It wasn't that I drank much, not more than a glass or two of wine, but I didn't want to be an enabler. Also I didn't like that he would automatically pour me a glass of wine. These last few days I've been imagining drinking a nice glass of Cabernet. So I guess what this is telling me is that I feel a bit stressed out.

[formflier]

At the beginning of the year, I quit drinking. It wasn't that I drank much, not more than a glass or two of wine, but I didn't want to be an enabler. Also I didn't like that he would automatically pour me a glass of wine. These last few days I've been imagining drinking a nice glass of Cabernet. So I guess what this is telling me is that I feel a bit stressed out.

Have you sworn it off "situationally" or totally.

Listen, back in the day I was known to tie one on, here and there.     Sailors get their reputation for a reason, and there is a certain stress relief element to the first couple days in port.

On the other hand, I've never been one to keep much alcohol in the house.  Usually when it's required for cooking, I have to go to the store.

Yet, put a couple Navy buddies of mine together, and if I can make sure I have a ride home or to safety (that doesn't involve me driving) I'll knock back a couple of beers.

Every once in a while my wife will try to dig into it to make sense of how I decided it, why I am the way I am and it's no big deal or explanation to me. 

Switching hats:  I was alcohol counselor in Navy for a while and from everything I understand about your hubby's story, I think you are doing the right thing to avoid enabling.  Very wise of you indeed.

Everyone has a r/s with alcohol of some sort.  It's based on the choices we make. 

FF

[Grey Kitty]

At the beginning of the year, I quit drinking. It wasn't that I drank much, not more than a glass or two of wine, but I didn't want to be an enabler. Also I didn't like that he would automatically pour me a glass of wine. These last few days I've been imagining drinking a nice glass of Cabernet.

That is a very interesting knife edge to balance on in terms of not being codependent and/or enabling.

On one hand, drinking around him which makes him more comfortable is kinda enabling his drinking, and I get not wanting to do that.

On the other hand, if you choose not to drink even though it isn't harming you, and you even would enjoy a nice glass of wine... .because you want to set an example of being sober that you desperately hope he will choose to follow would be very codependent on your part.

There is a LOT of nuance around this, and most of it comes down to why you are making the choices you do, far more than the actual choices you make.

Are you going to have a glass of wine while he's gone?

[Cat Familiar]

That is a very interesting knife edge to balance on in terms of not being codependent and/or enabling.

On one hand, drinking around him which makes him more comfortable is kinda enabling his drinking, and I get not wanting to do that.

On the other hand, if you choose not to drink even though it isn't harming you, and you even would enjoy a nice glass of wine... .because you want to set an example of being sober that you desperately hope he will choose to follow would be very codependent on your part.

There is a LOT of nuance around this, and most of it comes down to why you are making the choices you do, far more than the actual choices you make.

Are you going to have a glass of wine while he's gone?

The funny thing is that I imagine a nice glass of wine when I'm doing something else in the afternoon. Then when I have an opportunity to actually do it later in the day, I've forgotten all about it. It's like pot. Somebody gave me some nice homegrown a year ago. But I completely forget that I have it. I do believe a small amount of pot is good for anxiety.

I may have a glass of wine, but I never drive after drinking (or if I were to smoke) anything. So I guess the answer is maybe. In truth, I'll probably be so excited that I don't have to make or eat dinner that I'll get involved in some project that will keep me up until bedtime and I'll forget all about it.

[believer55]

Hi Cat - just wanted to say I have really enjoyed and appreciated your posts over the last year or so I have been a member. Sometimes its hard to remember you are also in the same boat because you have been so positive and helpful with coping strategies.

I know you know all this - but pushing feelings down is never a resolution. It is hard because the whole BPD thing stops them from being able to listen to us objectively without them feeling blame and guilt about how we feel then they cycle into the whole "poor me" thing and we have to deal with their emotions. Even when thy do better we can still see it under the surface and we can see them struggle with it and there is always a reminder of what has happened - and what may still happen.

You are not a martyr you are a human who is fully entitled to their emotions and feelings and to occasionally just have a ___ty day and be angry.

hugssss

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, believer for your kind words. I completely agree that we are entitled to having and expressing our feelings. Growing up with a BPD mom taught me to be strategic about sharing any feelings. I want to know it's safe to really express what I feel and unfortunately with a BPD spouse, it usually isn't.

Just like you said, they have a hard time listening to us without feeling blamed and shamed, even when our emotions have nothing do to with them! And when they're involved, Oh Lordy, buckle up the seatbelts, we're in for a wild ride!

My husband is out of town until Friday afternoon and I'm having a glorious staycation! I went to my twice monthly therapy this evening and I've been enjoying the peace and quiet around the house and doing exactly what I want to do and savoring every moment.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm having a very peaceful morning with the husband out of town. It's interesting to realize how much of his emotional tension I mirror when he's around. By myself, I feel really relaxed and calm.

[formflier]

 

I have also been very strategic about sharing my feelings.  In the months before our move, while my wife was improving, I became more free with sharing my feelings.  It was intoxicating, felt really good.   Even if she didn't respond perfectly, it was really nice to be able to share without fear.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I have also been very strategic about sharing my feelings.  In the months before our move, while my wife was improving, I became more free with sharing my feelings.  It was intoxicating, felt really good.   Even if she didn't respond perfectly, it was really nice to be able to share without fear.

FF

I'd love to be totally authentic with my husband, but that just isn't realistic. I can be that way with some of my treasured friends and with my therapist, so at least I have an opportunity to fully be myself with some people. It's really tragic that the people we love are not capable of being there for us in that way.

And on a slightly different note, I have been testing out sharing a bit more of my discontented emotions, bit by bit. I see an improvement within him now that he's doing therapy and has lightened up on the alcohol abuse. So I'm testing out being a bit more authentic, knowing that I can reel that back if I sense a forthcoming dysregulation. So far, it's been working well, thanks to the tools I've learned here.

But there is the never-ending "poor me" syndrome where I think how nice it would be if he was just "normal." 

[Cat Familiar]

Another thing that I've noticed was when I recently allowed myself to share that I was feeling a bit upset, he promptly became an interrogator, wanting to know everything about who what why when where.

I sensed it wasn't coming from genuine concern for my feelings, but rather to protect himself in case he felt that he had anything to do with my less than positive mood.

I certainly didn't feel trust that he'd be open to me truly sharing how I felt. It was curious to simultaneously feel a bit grumpy, then at the same time see the dynamic unfolding where he was looking to cover his butt in case he was somehow to blame.

[formflier]

 

Should you "reel it back in" if you think a dysreg is coming?  Is that your responsibility?

I see a couple ways of looking at it?

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Should you "reel it back in" if you think a dysreg is coming?  Is that your responsibility?

I see a couple ways of looking at it?

FF

I get what you're saying, FF. Basically I'm looking at this relationship from game theory perspective. It becomes out of control when he dysregulates, therefore it's of no benefit to me at that point. So, strategically, it's far better if I do damage control before it runs rampant.

[Ceruleanblue]

I've sort of been there today too. I expressed how hurt I still am over the birthday, and Valentines day "incidences". Mostly the fact that he's made zero "repair" type effort, that he promised he wanted to do. In fact, after I told him I'm still hurt(after he came home and informed me he now "can't afford" to make it up to me), but he'd bought himself stuff, and you know, gave money to his son so his son could provide a nice Valentines for his girlfriend. I'm sickened by his selfishness.

So today, I spent all day cleaning and making an extra nice dinner with his favorite dessert, sort of offering the olive branch, so to speak. Turns out he'd eaten at work, and then he tells me that the account is low. But we have money to do something HE wanted to do. I joined a food club, and he's oddly jealous, and there was a meet up tomorrow at a restaurant, but because HE wants to go check it out(read: me not go alone), we have money for that.

I'm sort of where you are I think: he's had a few "repentant" days where he's acting as if he's sorry, but the hurt I'd shoved down just sort of boiled up. Well, as soon as I told him I'm still hurt, he got triggered, and his "nice" of the last few days went away. He actually told ME "that is seems my love comes with a price tag"! I'm so hurt and mad.

To me, it seems HIS love comes with a price tag, or that he's showing me how little value I have to him(and I don't mean just money wise), I mean effort, caring, planning, making up after he screwed up... .the whole nine yards. I happen to know he loves other people with time, MONEY, and attention, all three things I can't get from him. A simple cheap gift would have made me feel I mattered, and he couldn't even do that.

I think you probably did stuff your feelings a little when things were rockier, and then when things calmed down, they come to the surface. I often feel that way. I'm just struggling to keep afloat most days amidst his anger, rage, and blame, then when he has a couple good days, I realize how frustrating life is with him.

I don't want to leave, and I've tried to work my side of the dynamic, but it often feels like good or bad days are largely dependent on his moods. I used to give him space when a mood struck, but then that would set off his fear of abandonment. It's so sad that BPD has so many lose/lose situations.

I feel you about things bubbling up later. I really do.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, CB. Living with a pwBPD is definitely not for the faint of heart. They are so self-focused that they really don't imagine the impacts of their behavior upon us. And if we express how we feel, g-d forbid, then we are at fault and are blaming and shaming them. There's no winning with this disorder. So now I'm focusing upon how I can play it to my best advantage and have some fun and enjoyment. It helps that I have a break and he's out of town for a couple of days. I'm feeling a sense of relaxation and peace.