Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:51:16 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Not been here for a while  (Read 343 times)
cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« on: February 13, 2016, 06:03:41 PM »

Hi Guys,

Not been here for a while. I used to be cartman1 but can't login on that account for some reason.

Anyway, I booked a week away for my family and paid for it. Today my other half says to me that our child needs to come home for a day of it. I said that I was considering coming home for a couple of days as it was. I had booked the week away thinking I was off the same week as my children and it turned out that we were off different weeks. Anyway, she walked out then came back in accusing me of lying. I said I hadn't lied and explained that I replied that I had said Iwas thinking about coming home.  I explained that I was struggling with a few deadlines and that a couple of days working would bail me out. She said i had broken a promise to which i said I said I was thinking about it. She said that I needed to be clearer in future and to stop lying. I said that I hadn't lied once and that I couldn't have been clearer. I am under pressure with work, I had said I would skip the week but then with the demands was thinking of going in for a day and a half.

by this time she few at me, started saying I love messing with her head and how I'm trying to push her over the edge. To this I said that all I was trying to do was get the point across that I was considering coming home for a couple of days. I then said I was leaving as I was not there to be hit out at. To which I was told how I should sleep with a Woman from work and it's not my wifes fault my ex split up with me 15 years ago. Which I pointed out was nasty, untrue and completely irelavent.
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10444



« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2016, 02:44:03 PM »

Hi Cartman,

Welcome back and sorry that you are having some conflicts. I am not sure about what you did- you booked a vacation for your family and stayed home to work? Somehow that was upsetting to her. What she says ( sleeping with a woman, lying) may be less important than how she feels. How are things now that a few days have passed?
Logged
cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2016, 04:24:30 AM »

Hi There NotWendy,

What I was meant was that I had booked a vacation. However, a few weeks after booking it I realized that I had a lot of work that needed to be completed during this period. I informed her that I was thinking of coming home for a couple of days in the middle so I could get the work done and then head back.

The thing that got me was being accused of lying. As far as I'm concerned I had not lied and when I came to the idea that it might be better to come home for a couple of days I approached her to have a talk. Instead of talking she gets really angry and starts throwing accusations. I get tired of being told I need to be clearer and stop lying and hiding things when the truth is I am honest and open but then I suppose it has something to do with her justifying her emotional reaction to the information.

Things have been okay since. But, as per usual that doesn't mean I won't get blindsided by the same thing again some time soon.   
Logged
an0ught
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2016, 12:25:44 PM »

Hi cartman1,

these stories sound familiar 

What I learned over the past years was not sharing facts and plans without intent. With that I don't say I hide stuff but I'm conscious that facts underlay interpretation. For some I'm responsible to frame them, some I have to put forward in a neutral fashion for her to consider, some may be important to share simply as they paint a picture and then some are really noise and may be interpreted in the wrong way. When sharing I found timing matters particularly when it comes to plans. Should I share tentative plans and if when? Uncertainty and doubt are never far away from fear and fear is ruling the live of a pwBPD. Same goes for change - not much liked (but often pwBPD are sources of chaotic change - different rules apply there   ).

The reasoning you shared around the considered change of plans brought her uncertainty and your explanation were the E in jadE making you sounding defensive which proves that you are guilt! Case closed punishment to be carried out immediately  .

Often SET (or DEARMAN) is better and used at the time a decision has been (almost) finalized. The change will still not be liked but is easier to deal with than the surprise and uncertainty of participating in a decision process without warming up.

Our partners tend to dissect and attack us. It is tempting to try to integrate them even more in our decision making. At times this is proper but at times the decision is ours. Such boundaries in the relationship matter and provide overall stability. We need to be clear when dealing with the latter and act in these cases assertively.
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2016, 06:16:19 PM »

Thanks, yes I have let all this slip. I  just feel fed up of being told how I've been angry and ill tempered when I haven't. This last week I've been told I was in a bad mood but I wasn't. I tried opening conversations but was ignored. I felt like I was being pushed for a reaction but I didn't respond more than saying "Can you not do that. Please?" I got the feeling that she was angry with me but I thought to myself that she is allowed to be angry. I was happy to talk but was not offered the chance. Then I was asked to leave so I did.

The thing I can't stand is the fact that they expect you to put them first and then flip out when you choose to put yourself and your needs first. I can't get used to being told I am liked when I'm nice only to be hated days later for no logical reason when my behaviour and moods have been constant. Like nothing happens but somehow you become hated. I am sick of being told how I am thinking and feeling but what I get told is completely untrue. Honestly, I look at her sometimes and get told not to look at her like I hate her even though I have a blank look on my face.

Sometimes I feel like I get set up to fail. Like if I complete something it's wrong if I don't do it I should have. Like there is no possible way to do the right thing. I know that sounds stupid but that's how I feel. Like whatever I did, I was supposed to have known to do the opposite.
Logged
an0ught
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2016, 04:50:22 PM »

Hi cartman1,

Sometimes I feel like I get set up to fail. Like if I complete something it's wrong if I don't do it I should have. Like there is no possible way to do the right thing. I know that sounds stupid but that's how I feel. Like whatever I did, I was supposed to have known to do the opposite.

it is a strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Seriously. You need to find your own game, play by your rules. Her rules will change all the time. Find yourself. You can not make her happy. Don't try - not worth the effort. Actually it tends to make matters worse as it only provides her with resources to waste and opportunities to put you down.

Excerpt
I  just feel fed up of being told how I've been angry and ill tempered when I haven't. This last week I've been told I was in a bad mood but I wasn't. I tried opening conversations but was ignored. I felt like I was being pushed for a reaction but I didn't respond more than saying "Can you not do that. Please?" I got the feeling that she was angry with me but I thought to myself that she is allowed to be angry. I was happy to talk but was not offered the chance. Then I was asked to leave so I did.

She will try to attribute her emotions to the world around her. Called projection and done a lot by pwBPD. There is not point in trying to control emotions of others and in particular pwBPD. Being told you are angry when you are not is invalidating and irritating. Realize this, acknowledge it is painful, realize it is not worth much to get upset and move on. Most likely she is irritating you since she is irritated due to some other factor. PwBPD are experts in transferring their own emotions through invalidation - recognize her SOP and don't fall for it. You could validate and use SET but if you are pissed off due to her clueless talk simply leaving her to stew is a valid option. Bonus: Projection is not working so well when you are not around and she may be force to deal with her worst enemy i.e. herself  .

You are with a pwBPD, emotions are more random and all over the place at times. Protect your own and leave her the small dramas she creates - some of them may be needed to work through stuff. It is tempting to be the rock for her helping her to stay steady - won't work. Be the rock that is there for her to crawl on when she is exhausted - much more sustainable and a often more appreciated (since less controlling) role.

Excerpt
The thing I can't stand is the fact that they expect you to put them first and then flip out when you choose to put yourself and your needs first. I can't get used to being told I am liked when I'm nice only to be hated days later for no logical reason when my behaviour and moods have been constant. Like nothing happens but somehow you become hated. I am sick of being told how I am thinking and feeling but what I get told is completely untrue. Honestly, I look at her sometimes and get told not to look at her like I hate her even though I have a blank look on my face.

Maybe show your teeth and snarl  Smiling (click to insert in post) Having a blank look  Smiling (click to insert in post) is hard to decipher particularly when she is governed by fear and anger. If is important for us to maintain balance and avoid extremes - that is our internal stance. But it is equally important for us to be connected to our emotions and to be readable. At times some exaggerated display of emotions can help with communication.
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!