Recovery when you leave your BPD partner

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Most of the stories here are cases when BPD partner leaves someone. It may sound horrible, but sometimes (and in this moment) I wish this happened to me... .

Why?

Because I would have more solid closure... .

Because I left her, I am constantly questioning my decision, did she really mean that I am the first person she loved after 15 years, did she lie about some things or not, should I invest some more time to try to make it work, why didn't try something else considering that she is in therapy... .

Last few weeks I am really torturing myself with these thoughts... .

Even if she is someone now, I cannot 'blame' her, it was my decision to walk away... .So, no classic replacement argument can be invoked here... .

Do any of you have some specific ways of dealing with decision when you leave your partner?

[blackbirdsong]

Most of the stories here are cases when BPD partner leaves someone. It may sound horrible, but sometimes (and in this moment) I wish this happened to me... .

Why?

Because I would have more solid closure... .

Because I left her, I am constantly questioning my decision, did she really mean that I am the first person she loved after 15 years, did she lie about some things or not, should I invest some more time to try to make it work, why didn't try something else considering that she is in therapy... .

Last few weeks I am really torturing myself with these thoughts... .

Even if she is someone now, I cannot 'blame' her, it was my decision to walk away... .So, no classic replacement argument can be invoked here... .

Do any of you have some specific ways of dealing with decision when you leave your partner?

[Larmoyant]

Hi blackbirdsong,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I'm afraid I can't be of much help, but wanted to thank you for posting this. I’m in exactly the same boat as you having decided to leave. I too am battling the same thoughts. I’m scared about not being strong enough and I’ll go back. What I've been doing so far is educating myself as much as possible. Sorry I can’t be of much help, but I can relate.   

[greenmonkey]

I am 16 months out, I ended it and removed her from house and took er power and control away from her.

I was lied to cheated on, pushed pulled ST and rages everything in the book.

I know that over a period of three years, with breakups and recycling as everyone has experienced on her, I was the best possible gf I could be. I tolerated a lot of abuse, she wanted for nothing, she had everything done for her and I genuinely loved her. Over time of a year of living together she killed that love.

Could I have done anything different ? I don't think so the outcome would still be the same, it might have prolonged my pain but it would have not changed the relationship as it was.

She was and is seriously mentally ill and I could change it or cure it. I could never make her happy as that comes from within.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

At one point, I left my BPDxbf because of his rage and verbal abuse. Eventually, I capitulated and went back thinking that perhaps I hadn't done everything I could have done etc etc. We recycled 3 more times and finally HE left me saying he wanted to find someone STABLE... .

It all ends up in the same place in the end. I needed to learn the hard way... .and there's no shame in needing to be sure... .do what you need to do to find your own closure.

Love Lifewriter x

[cootkilla]

totally can relate, I left my wife, divorcing, feeling same things, but I am seeing some things now a little different, she says "how can you see that I don't love you" yet if you look at her actions and what she actually says by what she says, there is no ownership her fault, there is zero empathy to how she could have even caused me emotional pain... .ie she always says, if you are not guilty of all these things... then it should not hurt you.  The more I tried to prove myself the more she became convinced she was right all along

YOU WILL NEVER "WIN" ( or atleast I cant in my situation).  So, every attempt to make it work has caused me to give away more of myself and there has been nothing given on her side (ie no love given back that she has been slowly removing over time I just never saw it that way)

Bottom line becomes: do I really want this ? do I really deserve this crap for the rest of my life even if she "stays"... .oddly my misery with her and my misery without her physically feel very similar, but I am seeing my misery without her will be "short term"  as the fog clears

[Driver]

Hi there,

Count me in. I was also one of those who left my exBPDgf. And guess what, I left her during the idealization phase! Too many red flags such as "too good to be true". Instinct I guess. Nonetheless, it's still hard to get over her, especially that most of my memories are actually the positive ones.

[Frank88]

You'd think it would be easier when it's you that made the decision to leave. But for me it isn't easy. I think some of it has to do with the fact that they forced our hand, so even though we left, in a way it was their control and decision. It is encouraging though to see that so many other people have experienced the same things and that we are not alone and not crazy.

[anothercasualty]

You'd think it would be easier when it's you that made the decision to leave. But for me it isn't easy. I think some of it has to do with the fact that they forced our hand, so even though we left, in a way it was their control and decision. It is encouraging though to see that so many other people have experienced the same things and that we are not alone and not crazy.

Well, maybe we are crazy, but we certainly are not alone!

I am in my 40's and have had several long term relationships. This has been the hardest to kick by far. It truly has changed me (for now).

[thisworld]

Interesting point Blackbirdsong and a tough one. I asked my ex to leave because of emotional cheating and also because he was truly pressuring me to give him drugs 1 day after he came out of a reanimation unit after a drug overdose. My personal dilemmas didn't revolve around what he had said to me about myself and our special love but around responsibility. I didn't feel much romantic love for him at that point (though I wasn't free of pain, either) so I felt like I was betraying a friend when he most needed me. But everything he said and did made me think how futile it was. I'll also admit that I felt relief when he left.

So, in the face of this futility, here is what I think and thought. This helps me:

1. I accept who I am. I'm not someone who can desire his person or who wishes to compete for him with other women when he emotionally cheats. He cannot change this, so a truly romantic relationship is not possible. Not only would I be dissatisfied, it would be unfair to him, too.

2. I'm not someone who wishes to go through his volatility everyday. He affects my lifestyle - I work from home and at one point, I felt like I would have to lock myself in my study to be able to work. That's not the kind of partnership I desire, he is financially exploitative, I came close to a little personal bankruptcy and have had to ask for help from my NPD mother (this is enough to detach me), it was truly exhausting - if we had a longer history before this disorder manifested it could have been different, under our circumstances I didn't feel I wanted to do it.

3. I could be his emotional caretaker and drop all expectations. Then our communication would have been smoother - I can do this to a good degree actually. But I don't want to be his caretaker, I wanted to be his GF. I would build resentments and be unhappy and make him unhappy, too. Again, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me.

4. If I remained as his GF, I'd lose my personal boundaries even more at one point and probably become as unbalanced as him. I didn't want to turn into an ugly person that I didn't like. Neither did I know how to prevent this without full detachment which I didn't want. I thought it would be better to finish this in more or civil terms - at least on my behalf.

To me this isn't about what he said or thought about us at some points - I heard the biggest declarations of love in my life from him- but it's about the reality of our everyday life, which is about this number 1-4. His words had no effect on that unfortunately. It didn't cohere.

And he turned volatile afterwards, too and I prayed and prayed that he finds someone else to focus on. But his online flirting still gave me that thing in the stomach. Well, I'm human and this is a process. I'll carry on with healing.

So, this is how I deal with it.

Best,

TW

[Surg_Bear]

I left my wife of 25 years because I could no longer take the emotional abuse and the terrible sexual neglect into which our marriage had evolved.

I was left feeling undesirable and sexually worthless.  We used to have sex once or twice a year at the end, and my frustration levels were through the roof.  I thought I would have to live a life of celibacy- with or without her, because her crazy-making was so good.  She had me convinced that I was unworthy.  I was convinced that I would never be with another woman.  Because my truest orientation is bisexual, I figured I would probably end up trying to find a male partner.

The single biggest change in my life since leaving my toxic marriage was finding a wonderful woman who is emotionally mature, and who has a healthy attitude toward sex.  In the few months I have been in this relationship with my girlfriend, we have had more sex than the last 7 or 8 years of my marriage.  This hasn't been "Ho-Hum" sex, either.  I am having the BEST SEX OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Finding a woman who I can love, respect, and share intimate sexual relations has been the single biggest factor in helping me recover from a very toxic marriage.  Recovery for me, is occurring along side the very difficult ways I am detaching from my wife. 

My life is very complicated now.  I am detaching from my BPD wife, while at the same time, living in the same house, for the sake of our children.  I am no longer a target for her emotional abuse, since I have drawn a line in the sand, and made a Do Not Cross Boundary.  She no longer has withholding of sex to use as a weapon against me.  Her super BPD powers over me have been stripped.  To make matters even more complicated, my girlfriend is halfway across the country in another state.  A long distance relationship has its own set of difficulties, but somehow, keeping the 2 relationships separate, seems to be working for me.

I have not fully recovered, but I am "in recovery" and I am fully in charge of how this plays out.  I am no longer subject to the rules of caretaking my borderline, as the only rules for my life.  I caretake when I want, and about whatever I want.  I use caretaking to my and my children's advantage.  When caretaking and interacting with my borderline does not work- or is not necessary to maintain my agenda of Peace and Love, I don't interact with her.  I go to my room, and text my girlfriend, or read on the internet, or just go to sleep.

Getting my sexual needs met has gone a very long way to opening my eyes to the fact that she (my borderline wife) has very little power over me.  I make the majority of the money, and she has resigned to accepting that she is VERY financially dependent on me.  So, she has little choice but to accept that I have left her, I have moved on, and I love another woman.

For now, things are going much better than they were 6 months ago.  Will it be this good forever?  Doubt it.  The rage is building.  I know her next rage at me will probably be devastating, and seek to destroy my perfect little castle of peace, love and sex.  As I get my manhood back, the power she has over me lessens, and unless she goes s4it-eating mad with false accusations, or other delusional attacks, I should be able to minimize loss, and prevent overthrow of my newly found, happiness generating lifestyle.

In short, what helped me the most is simple:  move on and find someone else who meets your needs better

I haven't split from my 25 year marriage.  I'm still living in the same house with her.  I have just changed the rules, and put myself in charge of my life.  A huge paradigm shift was all that was needed.

I am no longer in charge of her feelings, and her happiness is no longer my duty.  It is hers.  If living with me is making her unhappy, she can leave. 

I hope this helps you.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[vortex of confusion]

I love your post thisworld! I can really relate to a lot of what you have said. After 17 years of marriage, I have asked my stbx to move out. I have said that it is over and I am done. I cannot do this any more. It kills me at times because I had hoped that I could find a way to keep our family together. It isn't possible for a host of reasons.

My personal dilemmas didn't revolve around what he had said to me about myself and our special love but around responsibility.

THIS! Even now as I am shutting the door on him and the relationship, he continues to avoid taking responsibility for himself. One minute he would tell me how much he loved and missed me and in the next sentence talk to me about one of his lady friends. That doesn't work for me.

1. I accept who I am. I'm not someone who can desire his person or who wishes to compete for him with other women when he emotionally cheats. He cannot change this, so a truly romantic relationship is not possible. Not only would I be dissatisfied, it would be unfair to him, too.

I am of the opinion that my stbx threw me away like a piece of trash. When things got out of whack, his solution was for us to see other people. I tried to go along with it. It didn't work. He would badger me for details about anybody that I talked to whether there was a romantic interest or not. Heck, I couldn't even talk to my mother without him wanting details. The sad part was that me talking to or being with other men excited him. I fell into the trap of disrespecting myself and going along with it to try to keep my family together. I couldn't do that. I felt horrible about myself. Since it excited him, he thought he should tell me about all of his "friends" and dates and interests. He continues to try to tell me about his dates and I have to keep shutting him down. I don't want to deal with that. I want to be with somebody that isn't going to go online chasing "friends". For the longest time, I had to try to deny who I am. I am open minded and don't mind trying new things. However, things reached a point that I could not be myself and hold on to my values and still be with him.

2. I'm not someone who wishes to go through his volatility everyday. He affects my lifestyle - I work from home and at one point, I felt like I would have to lock myself in my study to be able to work. That's not the kind of partnership I desire, he is financially exploitative, I came close to a little personal bankruptcy and have had to ask for help from my NPD mother (this is enough to detach me), it was truly exhausting - if we had a longer history before this disorder manifested it could have been different, under our circumstances I didn't feel I wanted to do it.

At some point, I realized that I had to go to my family whenever I needed help. They can be really dysfunctional and that is a trap of its own. Whether it was moving, getting a car fixed, or getting a new roof, it seemed like I had to go to my dad or siblings for help. In the early days, I would make excuses for it. Now, it seems ridiculous to be this age and still have to go to our parents for stuff. I want a partnership where we figure things out together rather than have to go to mommy and/or daddy.

3. I could be his emotional caretaker and drop all expectations. Then our communication would have been smoother - I can do this to a good degree actually. But I don't want to be his caretaker, I wanted to be his GF. I would build resentments and be unhappy and make him unhappy, too. Again, it wouldn't be fair to him or to me.

I came to this realization as well. I could be his caretaker and have no needs and be perfectly "normal" all the time and things would be great between us. If I could become a robot and not be hurt by things and not have feelings, then everything would be fine. I have focused on this a lot as I detach. I have to remind myself that I am human. I am not superwoman. I don't want to be a caretaker to a supposed partner. I want things to be reciprocal. I want/need somebody that can give me support and encouragement when I am having a bad day. I already have 4 kids. I don't want or need a grown man that acts like a child. I cannot do it and that is okay. That doesn't make me selfish or horrible. It makes me human.

4. If I remained as his GF, I'd lose my personal boundaries even more at one point and probably become as unbalanced as him. I didn't want to turn into an ugly person that I didn't like.

This is another huge point that I have hung on to during my detachment. I realized that I was becoming just like him. I had my head buried in the sand and was completely off kilter because I had spent so many years denying my feelings and denying my own reality just to keep the relationship alive. I cannot do that any more.

To me this isn't about what he said or thought about us at some points - I heard the biggest declarations of love in my life from him- but it's about the reality of our everyday life, which is about this number 1-4. His words had no effect on that unfortunately. It didn't cohere.

It really does help to stop listening to their words. I stopped listening to the words and started paying attention to the actions and I got a completely different story. The words said glowing wonderful things about me, his love for me, the relationship, etc. His actions and non-verbal cues showed complete disregard for me and my well being. I can't live like that any more.

And he turned volatile afterwards, too and I prayed and prayed that he finds someone else to focus on. But his online flirting still gave me that thing in the stomach. Well, I'm human and this is a process. I'll carry on with healing.

 I can really relate to this. He and I are both seeing other people. The person that I am seeing knows what is going on and is supportive of NOT pushing me too fast. My boyfriend is pretty amazing and it really helps me to see what it looks like to be with somebody that is capable of a reciprocal relationship. Part of me feels like I was programmed to accept crappy treatment. It was easy to accept it when isolated. Plus, there was the whole public persona versus private persona. Even now, he likes to put on a good show when others are around. He acts like everything is great and we are still happily married. It makes me sick. I have told all of my family and friends that I am seeing someone else. I even told his mother. I don't do secrets. He won't tell anybody about anything. He will tell me about his girlfriends but he won't tell his sponsor or his mother or anybody else. I am not willing to live a secret double life.

I don't share any details about my friend with my stbx. He will ask and probe for details. He tries to volunteer details about his friends and relationships and it makes me sick at my stomach. He is doing all of the things with these other people that I begged him to do for years. He doesn't seem to get that I don't care where he met his "friend". I don't want to know. I would rather him tell me that he is going to go shopping and not tell me where he is going or what he is doing. It makes me sick that he doesn't have any regard for the fact that it feels like he is rubbing my nose in the fact that he has other lady friends while at the same time tries to engage me in conversations as though we are best friends. I just can't do it. I don't care if I am 80 years old, I don't think I will ever want to hear about him and anything that has to do with another woman.

[Driver]

I left my wife of 25 years because I could no longer take the emotional abuse and the terrible sexual neglect into which our marriage had evolved.

I was left feeling undesirable and sexually worthless.  We used to have sex once or twice a year at the end, and my frustration levels were through the roof.  I thought I would have to live a life of celibacy- with or without her, because her crazy-making was so good.  She had me convinced that I was unworthy.  I was convinced that I would never be with another woman.  Because my truest orientation is bisexual, I figured I would probably end up trying to find a male partner.

The single biggest change in my life since leaving my toxic marriage was finding a wonderful woman who is emotionally mature, and who has a healthy attitude toward sex.  In the few months I have been in this relationship with my girlfriend, we have had more sex than the last 7 or 8 years of my marriage.  This hasn't been "Ho-Hum" sex, either.  I am having the BEST SEX OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.

Finding a woman who I can love, respect, and share intimate sexual relations has been the single biggest factor in helping me recover from a very toxic marriage.  Recovery for me, is occurring along side the very difficult ways I am detaching from my wife. 

My life is very complicated now.  I am detaching from my BPD wife, while at the same time, living in the same house, for the sake of our children.  I am no longer a target for her emotional abuse, since I have drawn a line in the sand, and made a Do Not Cross Boundary.  She no longer has withholding of sex to use as a weapon against me.  Her super BPD powers over me have been stripped.  To make matters even more complicated, my girlfriend is halfway across the country in another state.  A long distance relationship has its own set of difficulties, but somehow, keeping the 2 relationships separate, seems to be working for me.

I have not fully recovered, but I am "in recovery" and I am fully in charge of how this plays out.  I am no longer subject to the rules of caretaking my borderline, as the only rules for my life.  I caretake when I want, and about whatever I want.  I use caretaking to my and my children's advantage.  When caretaking and interacting with my borderline does not work- or is not necessary to maintain my agenda of Peace and Love, I don't interact with her.  I go to my room, and text my girlfriend, or read on the internet, or just go to sleep.

Getting my sexual needs met has gone a very long way to opening my eyes to the fact that she (my borderline wife) has very little power over me.  I make the majority of the money, and she has resigned to accepting that she is VERY financially dependent on me.  So, she has little choice but to accept that I have left her, I have moved on, and I love another woman.

For now, things are going much better than they were 6 months ago.  Will it be this good forever?  Doubt it.  The rage is building.  I know her next rage at me will probably be devastating, and seek to destroy my perfect little castle of peace, love and sex.  As I get my manhood back, the power she has over me lessens, and unless she goes s4it-eating mad with false accusations, or other delusional attacks, I should be able to minimize loss, and prevent overthrow of my newly found, happiness generating lifestyle.

In short, what helped me the most is simple:  move on and find someone else who meets your needs better

I haven't split from my 25 year marriage.  I'm still living in the same house with her.  I have just changed the rules, and put myself in charge of my life.  A huge paradigm shift was all that was needed.

I am no longer in charge of her feelings, and her happiness is no longer my duty.  It is hers.  If living with me is making her unhappy, she can leave. 

I hope this helps you.

Love,

Surg_Bear

Hi there,

Great to hear you're seeing the light out of the tunnel.

Now, in order to limit any damage she may cause to you in the future, I strongly advise you to write things down with a lawyer before she manages to come up with possible false accusations. Protect yourself, better safe than sorry.

[Cazz787]

I know how you feel Blackbird song.

After many years of my exbp running the show and passive aggressive abuse, I left during the idealization phase. She seemed to be trying harder than ever and I just couldn't bring myself to be crushed, lied to and let down again. I knew with all my heart a silent treatment or some form of punishment would be lurking around the corner.

All faith and trust was sadly gone for me.

Yet due to my love for her and the many good memories, I doubt myself.

I hope you can come to peace with your decision, and or obstacle. I hope all of us can.

I know each situation is unique but... I can't help but wonder...

Does anyone know what happens when a untreated BP person is left during the idealization?

[Welgrow]

I don't know what the norm is for a pwBPD being left during the idealization phase, but in my case she seems to not want to let go. It seems like I'm permanently painted white, and although she's tried a few times to paint me black it doesn't last more than a few hours. I'm having the same struggle with second guessing myself. I thought she was my soulmate, but as the FOG continues to clear it becomes ever more apparent that my soulmate wouldn't have treated me that way. It's about her actions and not her words. Love everything I've read on this thread!

[apollotech]

I cannot 'blame' her, it was my decision to walk away... .

BBS,

Why did you leave? Was the relationship wonderful, nurturing both of you? You seem to be wanting to accept the "blame" for walking away from a bad situation.

I walked out of my relationship. Did I want to leave, no. Did I have to leave, yes. As someone else above posted, I was forced out. I suspect that you were as well.

[C.Stein]

Most of the stories here are cases when BPD partner leaves someone. It may sound horrible, but sometimes (and in this moment) I wish this happened to me... .

Why?

Because I would have more solid closure... .

Because I left her, I am constantly questioning my decision, did she really mean that I am the first person she loved after 15 years, did she lie about some things or not, should I invest some more time to try to make it work, why didn't try something else considering that she is in therapy... .

Last few weeks I am really torturing myself with these thoughts... .

Even if she is someone now, I cannot 'blame' her, it was my decision to walk away... .So, no classic replacement argument can be invoked here... .

Do any of you have some specific ways of dealing with decision when you leave your partner?

You know BBS, you might think it would be easier but it's not for me.  I have the same kind of questions you have, the same guilt and remorse, all piled on top of being replaced then thrown away like a piece of trash.

There were many times during our relationship when I should have walked away however I chose instead to have hope and to give her the benefit of the doubt.  So now in addition to the stuff I mentioned above I have to wrestle with my own choices in the relationship and characteristics that I find worthwhile to have leading me down a path that has virtually destroyed me.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I loved my ex gf but I just had to leave. The rages, the insults, She had no Integrity and even self-respect. I got stuff thrown at me anything at her reach.

Do you want to know how evil this girl was? When she left she forgot to log off Facebook on my Ipad. A day later when I tried to log in to Facebook I realized she was still logged in. There I saw all the comments she had posted saying how bad I was to her and how bad I treated her. I was so close to post on her Facebook about the reality of the situation but I didn't . I did not want to add fuel to the fire. All I thought was Who does this? Who posts their relationship issues on Facebook for everyone to know? Narcissism Maybe?

No way in hell I want to go back to that. That is what is keeping me away and sane and that is what drives me to move forward.

[Driver]

I don't know what the norm is for a pwBPD being left during the idealization phase, but in my case she seems to not want to let go. It seems like I'm permanently painted white, and although she's tried a few times to paint me black it doesn't last more than a few hours. I'm having the same struggle with second guessing myself. I thought she was my soulmate, but as the FOG continues to clear it becomes ever more apparent that my soulmate wouldn't have treated me that way. It's about her actions and not her words. Love everything I've read on this thread!

I'm exactly in the very same situation as you!

[freefox]

You'd think it would be easier when it's you that made the decision to leave. But for me it isn't easy. I think some of it has to do with the fact that they forced our hand, so even though we left, in a way it was their control and decision. It is encouraging though to see that so many other people have experienced the same things and that we are not alone and not crazy.

^ This is exactly how I feel.