Gonna be the ungrateful one ... naturally, it's Valentine's Day what could go

[Depression = 72% of members]

wrong? It's a holiday. Time for the disappointment and fury to be unleashed. What's supposed to be a day of celebration will turn into a nightmare of screaming and blame - unless I'm the bigger person and give up any happiness I could hope to have on a special day.

We did a favor for a friend who thanked us with gift cards for a nice dinner out. I thought that was our Valentine's, because that's what I was told. The savings on the holiday spending was a big relief for me, because I'm paying my BPDWife's son's college tuition. I'm also picking up all of our household expenses as BPDW tries to cover some of his living expenses. Then, this morning, I woke up to a card and gift - that I, now, have bought myself even though I can't afford it, because I'm paying the stepson's tuition. I'm supposed to be SOO grateful at my life being made so much harder for being driven in to debt. We've had this conversation. We even had this conversation at the therapist's, and nothing that resembles any type of regard for me or our finances. And, I'm empty-handed, because I was told our nice dinner out was our Valentine's. So, I'll get to deal with the drama of not having another gift for her.

I really want so much to have someone I can truly share with, so I can be me and not walk on eggshells.

[Modron]

wrong? It's a holiday. Time for the disappointment and fury to be unleashed. What's supposed to be a day of celebration will turn into a nightmare of screaming and blame - unless I'm the bigger person and give up any happiness I could hope to have on a special day.

We did a favor for a friend who thanked us with gift cards for a nice dinner out. I thought that was our Valentine's, because that's what I was told. The savings on the holiday spending was a big relief for me, because I'm paying my BPDWife's son's college tuition. I'm also picking up all of our household expenses as BPDW tries to cover some of his living expenses. Then, this morning, I woke up to a card and gift - that I, now, have bought myself even though I can't afford it, because I'm paying the stepson's tuition. I'm supposed to be SOO grateful at my life being made so much harder for being driven in to debt. We've had this conversation. We even had this conversation at the therapist's, and nothing that resembles any type of regard for me or our finances. And, I'm empty-handed, because I was told our nice dinner out was our Valentine's. So, I'll get to deal with the drama of not having another gift for her.

I really want so much to have someone I can truly share with, so I can be me and not walk on eggshells.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mustbeabetterway]

My husband ripped up the card I gave him and threw the box of candy into the trash can.  Depressing

[Mustbeabetterway]

I agree holidays are not fun with pwBPD.  I sympathize but don't have a solution.  My husband says I set him up by having something for him and he doesn't have anything for me.  A simple thanks was all he had to say.  I didn't expect anything.  Always damned if I do and damned if I don't. 

Sorry you are going through this.  It doesn't make sense.

[Daisy23]

I just figure that any day hyped up by Hallmark isn't gonna be a good day. Here's to loving ourselves through a challenging day and not judging ourselves for what it is or isn't.

And here's a Valentine to all my BPD Family friends! Thanks for being here!

[Daisy23]

And need I add - it's not going well here either. But thanks for posting so I (we) don't have to feel alone!

[flourdust]

Super awful here. Started when I said good morning and she challenged me on that. Suggested she eat breakfast, and she wanted to argue about other topics that had to be resolved before she could figure out how to eat. She chased me around the house demanding answers, then dragged D10 in to discuss how awful I am to her. I lost my temper and swore at her. She threatened to move out and I said she should. I finally got D10 away - we went to the mall to play. Wife might leave town tonight - kind of hope she does.

In other words, the day is going about as expected.

[formflier]

 

Has your wife done the chasing around the house thing for a while?  Even back in the bad days, it really wasn't a huge tool that my wife used.  But, seems to be a favorite tool of this most recent episode we are in.

Then I tried locking doors (she unlocked) and then finally I just held a door shut, she went nuclear.

Have you found anyway to diffuse the chasing?

FF

[flourdust]

Has your wife done the chasing around the house thing for a while?  Even back in the bad days, it really wasn't a huge tool that my wife used.  But, seems to be a favorite tool of this most recent episode we are in.

Have you found anyway to diffuse the chasing?

She's done it a half dozen times ... .maybe less. One night it led to me leaving for a hotel. That was my best technique, but I've been advised it's bad to leave D10 behind, so I'm more trapped now.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Update:  Instead of dwelling on my uBPDh's awful response to my Valentine, I managed to get myself to church and then had 90 year old mom and daughter, son-in-law, granddaughter over for lunch.  Then visited with a good friend in the afternoon.

Last night my husband says to me, "Well, I didn't call you any names, did I?"   . Crazy, but funny - observing the name calling boundary.  I guess I need to set a boundary against throwing gifts in the trash! 

[Modron]

Our day went kind of flat. I didn't make too big a deal out of the added expense of buying my own Valentine's gift that I can't afford. What she got me was something I had commented on that I thought was nice, but I wouldn't have bought it. For her, apparently, getting it became some sort of a mission, as later in the week she went back to get it.

I've learned better than saying anything, and make sure I fake delight to head-off the crying outbursts of her self-loathing that happen if I express my true feelings. Constantly having my feelings negated is damaging my mental and physical health. I used to think reducing the instances of her crying, screaming, and running away would be worth it, but it's really not. I'm just becoming an empty shell without expression or acceptance by someone who says she loves me more than anything - as long as I don't burden her with my existence.

Sometimes, when I can get on the outside of the situation and look in, I'm, like, wow, there's nothing real here. It's like going to every performance of the same play - over and over and over ... .The story is set. The lines are repeated. The right amount of adulation at the right time keeps the production running relatively smoothly. Stay within the script. Deviation is hell, don't do that.

I want to exit stage left, bust out, and BREATHE.

Instead, I live bound up by the script. I know the ending. She's been here before with the ex-husband. They lived a script that cost them everything: house went into forclosure, bankruptcy,  (his) drug addiction (she's her own drug), infidelity, living hand to mouth. No lessons were learned.


I feel like a complete fool for trying to improve the relationship when staying in it is going to cost me everything.

I realize now I'm playing the same role her ex-husband did when they first got together : white knight. Saving her from her own lack of identity. Being the one to level out her world. It destroyed him. He was already fragile, and was never going to survive her brand of crazy. (How well I play the game. Should I credit BPDMom with getting me into this, or for having the tools to survive it as much as I have now that I'm here?)

Standing by watching my world crash and burn may not be the best decision I can make.

No idea what to do next. I know I want a better life. I know I don't want to lose everything I've worked for. I don't believe she will ever be capable of contributing to a happy and successful life.

... .

[Daisy23]

My case is reversed - BPDh - so I'm no white knight. But someone recently pointed me in the direction of confronting my own codependency as an aspect of my misery. Humbling.

Mirrors work better when someone else holds them up to us.

It helped me realize that if I ever decided to stop working on this rel. I'd want to know that I did everything I could to grow out of the role I've been playing in our drama.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Modron,  you mentioned having a discussion with the therapist about finances?  Sounds like a serious budget is in order.  I am not judging - iti s difficult to say no, but are you bound to pay stepson's tuition even if it is to your fiancial ruin as you say?

Perhaps the therapist can help you ffgure out how to say no to giving what you cannot reasonably afford.

Sorry you are in pain over all of this.  Breathe... .say no if you need to.  It is ok to say no sometimes.