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Author Topic: she keeps things of the EX  (Read 528 times)
sebastian.l
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« on: March 02, 2016, 06:37:01 AM »

For as what I am reading here, it is normal for people with BPD to keep stuff of their EX. In our relationship, my BPD girl used to wear the boxers and T-Shirts of her Ex. I tried to pick her up on it but not blaming. It just gave me strange feeling to see her jumping in front of me in the boxers of another guy. Her reply was: 'well yes they fit me quite nicer than him, right?'

How would you guys react on this? Am I tripping in small things too much? I feel devalued and not given respect by her action.
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« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2016, 11:47:15 PM »

Often times certain possession can be viewed by the pwBPD as a trophy or a connection. I read of one that kept a shirt that belonged to the non in a zip lock bag and would take it out and smell it when they felt the need for such comfort.

Mine kept our engagement ring (and God knows what else). She fought tooth and nail to return it. I had to file a case in small claims court which she hired a lawyer and the entire thing almost went to trial! In the end she capitulated but kept the ring and paid for its value.

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« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2016, 03:31:52 AM »

In their unstable world, maybe such things give a better feeling of stability. After all, every relationship is part of our history and helps makes us what we are. I used to keep things too... .shirts, books, rings... .and I'm not BPD. Actually... I think I still have a lot of stuff. Sorry it makes you feel devalued, but it probably isn't intended to.
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2016, 03:55:12 AM »

In their unstable world, maybe such things give a better feeling of stability. After all, every relationship is part of our history and helps makes us what we are. I used to keep things too... .shirts, books, rings... .and I'm not BPD. Actually... I think I still have a lot of stuff. Sorry it makes you feel devalued, but it probably isn't intended to.

ok, understand. I do this as well as a memory for goo times. Pics, cards, letters... .but do you wear the ex's boxers in front of your new boyfriend?
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« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2016, 05:19:03 AM »

If I go deep into myself and think about the past ... .I did wear my ex's shirt. I liked it, and it was a bit of defiance too. Like... I have had another life too... .BPD fear of engulfment?
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2016, 05:29:45 AM »

If I go deep into myself and think about the past ... .I did wear my ex's shirt. I liked it, and it was a bit of defiance too. Like... I have had another life too... .BPD fear of engulfment?

don't know. tell me?

I put everything in a box of my ex and keep it somewhere. Wearing my ex's underwear and telling my new girlfriend about it seems like a major turn off for me ;-) however, I am not tripping on it
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« Reply #6 on: March 03, 2016, 11:18:14 PM »

I don't think this is solely a BPD thing. I still have gifts my ex got me. I still have a few pics of her as well.
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2016, 01:41:29 PM »

This was a HUGE problem for my. My BPD has tons of stuff from the ex littered throughout the house.  This was a big cause of grief for my & caused lots of fights in the beginning.  I basically gave up.

I think it is somewhat normal to keep a few things put up in a box at the top of the closet or something. I myself have a shoebox sized box with a few things here and there both from past relationships & even teenage platonic friendships.

Normal jewelry doesn't bother me so much. I have a couple of necklaces & earrings given yo me by exes as gifts that I like and I wear. Not because they were from them, but just I like the piece.

My BPD on the other hand has her lingerie, adult pics of her, etc,etc,etc. I fought in the beginning for him to put these things up in a box somewhere away, but my efforts were fruitless.

The only insite that I have to offer is that he told me he can look back at his memories and remember that life didn't always suck (which he considers his life to have mostly sucked).

I am still not happy about this after years, but honestly as things have changed in me I for now have not chosen to address this further. It was clear I wouldn't be really successful, and I have for now let it go and focused on other things.

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sebastian.l
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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2016, 06:00:15 PM »

... .he told me he can look back at his memories and remember that life didn't always suck (which he considers his life to have mostly sucked).

that's funny... .almost exactly the same words I got in my last conversation with me exBPD. she insisted me to send her the pics from the last holidays. I asked her several times, it hurts me to look at them, I will send them when I am ok to do it. Her reply was, 'ok, I will be waiting'. 3h later, she wrote 'this could be misunderstood. I am not waiting for you anymore.' What's the message between the lines here?

her words 'memories cannot be fixed. But i prefer focus on the positive ones. That's why I want you to send me the pics to keep them alive.'

My hurt feelings of looking at 140 pics didn't really count for her. and it really hurt to sort them out, pack them, upload them and send them.
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« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2016, 07:19:58 PM »

I do not feel that wearing your ex's old clothing is "normal" or healthy in a new relationship.

It has spiritual implications as well as what and how you are feeling, Sebastian.I

Tell me that's loving or helpful for you.     This has BPD written all over it... .although I understand you are not THAT upset about it. You need to have big shoulders in a relationship with someone suffering BPD. Good on you, although I hope you can remain true to yourself.

My exBPDgf thought is was "normal" and "OK" to wear her ex's (and Father of her children) engagement ring WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME!... .?

The worst part was I was taking playful intimate photos of her and when I was later looking at the photo's something on her hand caught the camera flash. How stupid was I?... .although she did wear many rings.

I asked her about it and found out the truth. She even told me like it was "normal".  

I went a little berserk... .and then joined bpdfamily.com and that was one my initial post 2 years ago.

Sigh.  :'(
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« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2016, 08:23:39 PM »

Very normal for BPD's.

My ex had at least 2 things from her previous SO in every room of the house. Even 10 years into our relationship.

She would wear his boxers once every 2-3 months.

When we broke up, she tried to take her favorite shirt of mine. She held onto the engagement ring and refused to return it. She even tried to take my cat, that was ugly.

There is a difference between the objects BPD's hold onto and normal women. Normal women don't flaunt the items and they certainly don't have to keep them in every room to constantly remind them.

Certainly I have a few items. Kept the tickets from our first movie date and have a couple small hearts she made for me out of paper, but that's it and they sit at the bottom of a junk bin to be mistakenly seen rarely. Same place they were when we were together.
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2016, 05:08:22 AM »

I get the point here. I think keeping stuff is normal. Whereas wearing the stuff in front of your new partner, especially when he addresses the matter, is kind of 'odd'. Together with a reply like 'don't the boxers fit me much better than him (the ex)' is even more odd.

It demonstrates a lack of compassion. So yes, I guess in a r/s with a BPD you really have to be a guy with not a lot of 'deep water' thinking

I never asked my stuff back from her. But I am curious what would happen if i'd do
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« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2016, 06:10:26 AM »

I would expect narcissistic rage. 
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2016, 05:53:51 AM »

I would expect narcissistic rage. 

well, with my last experience when she asked me to send her all our pictures of the holidays, I think, I am better off with abandon my stuff and not ask it back. I tried to express several times my bad feelings about looking at the pics now. What counted for her was just to get the pics ... right now... immediately. No validating of my feelings, in contradiction, she told me I would play power games with her if I don't send the pics now. I sent them. After that, didn't even receive a Thank You. A week later was Xmas. No note from her. New year, my birthday. Nothing from her. I feel really drained and sucked out.
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« Reply #14 on: March 10, 2016, 03:47:58 PM »

I guess I was was coming from a place of my own experience.

That is the "acting out" variety of BPD and I guess yours is the "acting in" type.

Or it was just a power play... .to gain some self soothing objects.

Either way... .you may lose your sanity and your happiness trying to second guess the behaviour of a pwBPD.

You may have to find your own closure. That is harder. Everything seems harder interacting (or not) with a personality disordered person.

I am sorry to hear you are suffering.

Peace to you. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #15 on: March 10, 2016, 05:51:18 PM »

Either way... .you may lose your sanity and your happiness trying to second guess the behaviour of a pwBPD.

. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks for your words. I am trying to get my peace. What really keep my mind busy though, is the question:

Why seem they to get what they want and when they want? And why do we stay with self-doubts and they don't?

The BPD seems to really just focus on the things she 'needs' and 'wants' or suddenly 'doesn't want' anymore. The thing is, the more I read here, the more I see they get it! even if it's a push/pull.

So is being the BPD the better life strategy to get what you want to achieve? It seems to me, of you're the guy who is vulnerable and have true feelings, you just end up destroyed.
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« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2016, 07:13:41 AM »

It could be her way of controlling her memories of the past rather than let them control her. ie she is actively selecting memories rather than have them pop up. Odds are shy has totally recontrived the real meaning of these things.

To move on the past either has to be completely junked and blocked, or to be tightly controlled. There is no working through things or grieving the past out of their life and moving on. On day it is likely she will just suddenly stop it. But it wont be on your sayso.
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« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2016, 12:20:54 PM »

I think there is an extent to which keepsakes/mementos are normal, healthy, and appropriate. I think of my various exes and the things I've given them over the years and I do hope that they've kept some of the more meaningful gifts I've given them. Unless you're a teenager and in your first relationship, your partner has had previous meaningful relationships before you and those relationships have partially made your partner the person that they are today.

... .but this can also be taken to an extent where it is damaging to a current relationship. Generally the past should be the past and not be thrown in the face of a current partner on a consistent basis.
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« Reply #18 on: March 11, 2016, 07:49:11 PM »

... .but this can also be taken to an extent where it is damaging to a current relationship. Generally the past should be the past and not be thrown in the face of a current partner on a consistent basis.

This is the part that is magical thinking when it comes to pwBPD. Their reasons are not the same as yours.
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« Reply #19 on: March 11, 2016, 08:00:36 PM »

... .but this can also be taken to an extent where it is damaging to a current relationship. Generally the past should be the past and not be thrown in the face of a current partner on a consistent basis.

This is the part that is magical thinking when it comes to pwBPD. Their reasons are not the same as yours.

Can you explain that further? I think I'm understanding you... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2016, 08:25:57 PM »

... .but this can also be taken to an extent where it is damaging to a current relationship. Generally the past should be the past and not be thrown in the face of a current partner on a consistent basis.

This is the part that is magical thinking when it comes to pwBPD. Their reasons are not the same as yours.

Can you explain that further? I think I'm understanding you... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

We can have a balanced and considered view on this. pwBPD do things for their reasons only, and often with twisted delusions to excuse those behaviors. The effect on others is merely a flow on consequence. To expect them to do otherwise is merely wishing something to happen that is impossible to happen whilst they are still displaying BPD behavior. ie like expecting a cat to bark like a dog simply because its in a kennel. A cat will not bark unless you can turn it into a dog first.
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« Reply #21 on: March 13, 2016, 03:01:51 PM »

My BPD tried to change me into her ex in a way. they were all military types and i am a pacifist with long hair hippie lifestyle. she keeps on attacking my dresscode and even bought me clothes from an army surplus store. i wear it in such a way that it makes a mockery of the uniform not to annoy her (which it does) but to express myself. she gives away the clothes i like or burn it. i just smile. when i threw out all her ex's stuff she went haywire i just took the insults and keep on hearing that i do not respect her privacy etc. i went as far as contacting her one ex boyfriend and told him to please remove himself out of our lives. she didnt react positive to that either. i understand how you feel 
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #22 on: March 18, 2016, 11:14:55 AM »

I would expect narcissistic rage. 

So a week ago I asked my exBPD to send me back my stuff that's still at her place. I just asked for this, no how are you, discussions or whatsoever... .

The reaction was just as 'rational': yes. give me the address?

THEN: I am not sure if this is directed at me. But 3 days later, she changed all her visible Facebook pics and the whatsapp pics into one, where she is kissing a guy in a bar. These are the only pics I can still see, because I went not contact. You can only see the back of the guy, but her entire face throwing a passionate glance into the camera.

OK, now coping thoughts: I should never take something personally directed towards me. I don't react on this. It might not be targeted towards me. She might just want to display her affection for a new relationship to the public. However, it's a lot of coincidence. And, if I would like to show my affection to my new girl, my new girl would be in the picture as well ;-) not just her back head.

Thoughts?
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« Reply #23 on: March 18, 2016, 04:32:33 PM »

I would expect narcissistic rage.  

So a week ago I asked my exBPD to send me back my stuff that's still at her place. I just asked for this, no how are you, discussions or whatsoever... .

The reaction was just as 'rational': yes. give me the address?

THEN: I am not sure if this is directed at me. But 3 days later, she changed all her visible Facebook pics and the whatsapp pics into one, where she is kissing a guy in a bar. These are the only pics I can still see, because I went not contact. You can only see the back of the guy, but her entire face throwing a passionate glance into the camera.

OK, now coping thoughts: I should never take something personally directed towards me. I don't react on this. It might not be targeted towards me. She might just want to display her affection for a new relationship to the public. However, it's a lot of coincidence. And, if I would like to show my affection to my new girl, my new girl would be in the picture as well ;-) not just her back head.

Thoughts?

My guess is your request was seen as a closure statement. Clearly stating you dont need her. This triggeed a reaction in her to want to prove she is needed/desired/popular, and hence the public picture. It may not be completely directed at you but a flag waving exercise to the world in general. Boosting her own moral and ego. It is is similar to the way many go out and get a new hair do/new clothes/new anything when a relationship ends.

You are correct it is not about the other person, it is about her. It could be some stranger passing by for all you know.

If she knows it is likely to unsettle you then it gives her a little spiteful "up yours" buzz as well. Though I doubt that is the sole reason
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sebastian.l
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« Reply #24 on: March 18, 2016, 05:04:40 PM »

Excerpt
My guess is your request was seen as a closure statement. Clearly stating you dont need her. This triggeed a

oh dear, it's 4 months since we broke up and I avoided to ask her anything back. I saw her hooking up with that new guy. But Ok, we are not together anymore. She showed me in many ways, she wants to move on. So be it. She was angry because I went into no contact. Until now ... .

and this coincidence that one changes all public fotos available in not even 24h ... .dude, I just wanted my tennis shoes back, so can she not just feel a little sense for compassion? It's not so hard to realize that a pic of her putting the tongue up in her new lover will wake some hurt feelings in me. Does she have to smear this in public in every face around.

But I can understand that bringing my tennis shoes to the post office, probably wakes up some bad feelings in her too. So I guess, I deserved a punch back again.
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« Reply #25 on: March 22, 2016, 12:01:06 PM »

Excerpt
If she knows it is likely to unsettle you then it gives her a little spiteful "up yours" buzz as well. Though I doubt that is the sole reason

well, newest development. After two weeks of silence after asking to send my stuff back, and she changes her profile pic to one with another guy, she texted me today.

She delivered the info that she has not had time yet to send my stuff, because she is leaving to Italy now for holidays.

Well, clearly this is quite just a slight little too much info. So I get the feeling she wants to trigger my mind, me thinking how she spends holidays with another guy.

It's important for me if I am receiving this communication wrong or if her communication holds the intention to start hurtful feelings in me.

if you ever felt something for somebody else, and spent countless holidays  together, then this kind of communication triggers your mind - believe me.
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« Reply #26 on: March 22, 2016, 12:21:16 PM »

It's important for me if I am receiving this communication wrong or if her communication holds the intention to start hurtful feelings in me.

There's really no way of knowing. When I was still in contact with my ex I would often try (try) to imagine that her message was sent by someone else, and think of how I would react to anyone else saying those same things. In the case of her last message, it seems pretty factual: "I haven't been able to send your stuff back because I'm about to go on holiday." Pretty banal, really.
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« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2016, 12:38:32 PM »

Excerpt
Pretty banal, really.

In combination with changing your profile pic in one kissing another partner! this doesn't feel soo banal
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« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2016, 12:46:45 PM »

In combination with changing your profile pic in one kissing another partner! this doesn't feel soo banal

I think you might be connecting a dot that was a message to you with a dot that wasn't a message to you, and extrapolating. I've been there, believe me, and it's an easy thing to do when you're desperate for answers and information and control.
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« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2016, 12:52:18 PM »

In combination with changing your profile pic in one kissing another partner! this doesn't feel soo banal

I think you might be connecting a dot that was a message to you with a dot that wasn't a message to you, and extrapolating. I've been there, believe me, and it's an easy thing to do when you're desperate for answers and information and control.

I get the point and see I might connect two different points. Just asking you to turn the situation around: Imagine you had no contact for several months. No pictures or anything changed. Then your ex asked you to send her stuff. In response, you change your message pic into one with your new girl and text your ex, hey sorry did't have time to send your stuff. I go for holidays today.

How would you make your ex feel about this? intended or not fully intended from you.
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« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2016, 01:06:06 PM »

I get the point and see I might connect two different points. Just asking you to turn the situation around: Imagine you had no contact for several months. No pictures or anything changed. Then your ex asked you to send her stuff. In response, you change your message pic into one with your new girl and text your ex, hey sorry did't have time to send your stuff. I go for holidays today.

How would you make your ex feel about this? intended or not fully intended from you.

I'm really not trying to refute you outright here; the circumstances and timing are definitely hurtful for you, and her intentions don't really matter if you're actually hurt by this.

But do you really think that she changed her profile picture "in response" to you asking for your stuff back? I'm not saying that she did or didn't - and the timing is maybe suspicious, and maybe she IS sending you a message with the profile picture change. But she might not be. I think there is plenty of reasonable doubt there.
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« Reply #31 on: March 22, 2016, 01:15:24 PM »

well, it might not be intentionally, strange timing, a lot of coincidence but definitely still hurtful
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« Reply #32 on: March 22, 2016, 05:13:32 PM »

~Is it intentional? -Probably

~Is she making a statement? -Probably

~Are you the page on which she is writing this message? -Yes

~Is this message meant for you? -Maybe not, she could be writing this message as an affirmation to herself

~Is it hurtful to you? -Yes definitely

~Does she care if it is hurtful to you? -Possibly not she is doing it to validate herself, your feelings are collateral.

It is also the nature of pwBPD to give too much information when giving excuses.
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