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Author Topic: Mom, is dad a psychopath ?  (Read 587 times)
nona
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« on: March 05, 2016, 11:02:49 PM »

Why honey, what makes you think that?

Well, the other night watching a show with a psychopathic boyfriend was really making dad mad, he kept pausing the tv and criticizing the producers. When the show was over, he was raging and raging, and I know he was mad because all the things the psychopath did on the show  are what dad did to me all week.

Mom I dont wanna go back can I stay with you?

That is my conversation with dd13.

UBPDX's mask is coming off, his supply is crashing, bullying my daughter.

Im scared. He was contained as long as he could control her... she can explain that her brain is still alienated, but she needs my help.

She has a counseling appointment monday. I have always been not allowed in her counselor... .its a hokey town

His supply is fighting with daughter and he is losing them and is using her to keep his supply. she has had it !

how to help. I thought this conversation would be years down the road.

she says he cannot hide porn and doesn't care anymore

what do i do.

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unicorn2014
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« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2016, 12:01:55 AM »

Hi nona, I read your post. I have a 15 year old daughter, I split from her dad when she was 4.5.

I think the fact that she is asking you about him is positive. I tried to get my daughter to go to Alateen meetings but she wasn't interested. Have you talked to her about BPD?

Its hard to know how to advise you without knowing who he has custody. You said she was asking to come stay with you. Does she ordinarily stay with him full time?
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« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2016, 12:10:58 AM »

Do you feel that hokey-town counselor won't advocate for her even if she states that she doesn't feel safe with her dad?
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nona
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« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2016, 08:26:21 AM »

Thanks for your replies... .

we share joint custody 50/50

we have been through the system

we are on the other side of HORRIFIC alienation

she was turned against me for years, but I have held steadfast and its better, she is seeing more truth.

she is very bright, I told her the truth. "No honey, I think he has Bpd. etc.etc."

so of course just like us, she was on the computer obsessively studying what has been happening all her life.

Im scared now... .if he finds out she knows. he could snap

He has already had her thinking she is crazy. wearing her down with false accusations.

she is so codependent too.

she doesn't want to not live with him yet, but he is on a rage right now, and asks if we can leave early on our spring break so she doesn't have to go back for awhile.

He always tells her she can choose to leave, but I think she cannot make that decision.

Im mostly need help predicting how this could go down.

it will be hard to hide it. she is an only child he will probe and probe and probe , might he reject her? for knowing? like he did me?

I have all the books, now I can leave them in the open on the shelf.

it is a wonderful feeling though, the sweet connection we just got back, cause she is realizing how many lies she was believing about me.






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unicorn2014
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« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2016, 02:12:07 PM »

I appreciate your post. My daughter has her own issues so she is still avoiding looking at her dad's. I bought her alateen literature and tried to take her al-anon meetings but she wasn't interested. I really appreciate reading about other's stories as it helps me to tell my own. I need to make a post on the co-parenting board about current issues, our stories are somewhat similar. Is changing the custody an option?
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2016, 08:44:41 AM »

Validation will be important in the days, months and years to come.  Validation of her observations and conclusions as appropriate.

As for whether he has BPD only, it's not uncommon for a person to be co-morbid with traits of multiple acting-out PDs.  So if she's observed those traits you can validate what she experienced and concluded.  You can be up front and say that a diagnosis can be incomplete, that if she sees traits that may include additional behaviors and disorders, she is allowed to form her own conclusions.
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2016, 09:15:14 AM »

Excerpt
Why honey, what makes you think that?

I love this sentence!

You probably already know this and I am likely emphasizing this for the imprint upon my own mind... .

(Maybe other readers too)


She asked you a question.  It is tempting to reactively supply an answer when someone asks a question.  Yet, you probed her for more... .as she demonstrated she was ready, and herself, questioning dad.  You did not use it as an opportunity to release info you've held onto.  You used it as an opportunity for her to share where her questioning mind is at.  You allowed her to seek her own truth.

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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2016, 12:03:05 PM »

My SD11 (10 at the time) went off on a rant one day when she was upset with her BPDmom. She kept saying she thinks her mom is mentally ill and a psychopath and needs therapy, the reason being that she is always angry with everyone and blames everyone else for everything. She asked us if there was a mental illness for people who blame everything on everyone else all the time.

My response was something along the lines of:

Why do you feel that way?

We aren’t psychologists and couldn’t/wouldn’t diagnose if she has a mental illness or is a psychopath.

We talked about how those behaviors and feelings (her mom’s blaming and anger) belong to uBPDbm…there is nothing we can do to avoid causing it, and there is nothing we can do to fix it. It’s not our job to change other people, we can only control our own behaviors and feelings.

DH was worried that SD10 picked up the “mental illness” and “psychopath” words from us. Did we slip and accidentally say it? Did she overhear our personal conversations to each other? (those were his thoughts). I reminded him that uBPDbm projects a LOT and talks badly about DH to SD10, so SD10 could have picked up the words from her mom and just reverse attributed them. She could have heard the words anywhere and attributed them to her mom. It was very eye-opening that she started to see how her mom has behaviors that aren’t normal, that’s a big change that seems to be coming with “growing up”. She still is very enmeshed with BPDmom, though, so we don't get conversations like this very often.
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"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
nona
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« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2016, 09:34:03 PM »

It has been 5 years of tension between me and her, when she was completely alienated and could only grunt.

It is such a huge shift, there is a bit of a vacuum we both sense. she has already stepped into the fix it mode. i see her following the same steps I did upon discovery, elation, freedom, the tools felt like Power.

I too have to be careful not to overwhelm her too, she is incredibly quick.

I feel reassured, Forever dad, I remember how your kids did as bigger, they get more power, more voice, more relsiliency.

Tonight we are dealing with another crazy woman causing dd stress, and dd13's reply was "just treat her like a BPD, so she won't be triggered, cause it will make my life easier.


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livednlearned
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« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2016, 09:17:11 AM »

nona, a time came in my relationship with my son where I also shared that something was wrong with his dad.

I understand the fear about telling your child, and I think your instincts are good. I agree with FD that validation is going to be critical -- ask her validating questions more than tell her what to think. She has had plenty of being told what to think by her dad, she needs an adult who wants to know what she thinks. It may surprise you.

However, it's very likely that she will want to use "BPD" in ways that could hurt her. With my son, I told him that I found ex to be a very difficult person, that he had a mental disorder, and other adults felt the same way. It was cathartic for him to discover that there was more going on that alcohol.

My son admitted he would ally with his dad during visitation because that way his dad wouldn't get as mad at him. I told him that being a kid, it was smart to do that, because he was right to take care of himself and being a kid he had fewer options than adults. It isn't helpful when we're grown ups to do these things, and we don't want to be in relationships where we have to do that. But what he was doing was different, it was his dad, and he had to spend time with him, and S14 needed permission to take care of himself without feeling a loyalty bind. In other words, I modeled that I was emotionally strong enough to handle things for the both of us, something his dad could not do.

S14 felt a lot of relief. He also said that he tried his hardest to never mention my name or talk about me, or admit that he knew anything was going on in my life, never disclosing any details to his dad if he could avoid it. These are all things I did, too, in my marriage, so I validated S14's strategy. It's healthy for the situations they are in -- and they're kids. They can't do a whole lot else.

But I was very worried about S14 telling his dad that he knew he was bipolar/BPD/alcoholic. We had a long talk about that. With your DD, maybe ask questions like, What do you think dad would do if you told him you thought he was BPD? Get her to play out the scenarios in her head so she has a plan she's thought through, to help her if she impulsively tells him.

My son did that when he discovered his dad was an alcoholic. He came home one day and talked about AA and told N/BPDx all about it. And the roof blew off our house.  
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2016, 10:38:22 AM »

Just want to say I really appreciate this thread. I did everything all wrong, from the age of 12 tried to get my daughter to see that her dad was an alcoholic, took her to Al-Anon meetings, bought her Alateen literature, one time to took her to a joint Al-Anon meeting, she didn't want any of it. Reading your thread is giving me the strength to post my own. My daughter also has her own substance abuse problem, so its a slightly different story.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2016, 11:23:59 AM »

However, it's very likely that she will want to use "BPD" in ways that could hurt her. With my son, I told him that I found ex to be a very difficult person, that he had a mental disorder, and other adults felt the same way. It was cathartic for him to discover that there was more going on that alcohol.

My son admitted he would ally with his dad during visitation because that way his dad wouldn't get as mad at him. I told him that being a kid, it was smart to do that, because he was right to take care of himself and being a kid he had fewer options than adults... .it was his dad, and he had to spend time with him, and S14 needed permission to take care of himself without feeling a loyalty bind. In other words, I modeled that I was emotionally strong enough to handle things for the both of us, something his dad could not do.

S14 felt a lot of relief. He also said that he tried his hardest to never mention my name or talk about me, or admit that he knew anything was going on in my life, never disclosing any details to his dad if he could avoid it. These are all things I did, too, in my marriage, so I validated S14's strategy. It's healthy for the situations they are in -- and they're kids. They can't do a whole lot else.

Of course, one scenario where editing or hunkering down would be sabotaging is when the children have sessions with therapists, evaluators and other professionals.  In those situations it is crucial for the children to not let the professionals be misled or reluctant to make needed changes.

I recall my last time in court my son, then age 11, had an in camera interview with the magistrate and GAL at my Ex's request.  After years of conflict between his parents, over half his life, he tried not to be caught in the middle.  But still they noticed, the magistrate wrote in the decision that he looked away when his mother was discussed and was more relaxed when his father was discussed.

But I was very worried about S14 telling his dad that he knew he was bipolar/BPD/alcoholic. We had a long talk about that. With your DD, maybe ask questions like, What do you think dad would do if you told him you thought he was BPD? Get her to play out the scenarios in her head so she has a plan she's thought through, to help her if she impulsively tells him.

My son did that when he discovered his dad was an alcoholic. He came home one day and talked about AA and told N/BPDx all about it. And the roof blew off our house.

Essentially this would be practice sessions so she can be prepared (and comfortable) to handle a variety of scenarios where she could be put on the spot.  That's what the disordered ones in our lives are masters of, catching us by surprise and putting us on the spot and with little time to ponder and think of an appropriate response and then us regretting how it went and ruminating endlessly over it.  It is very wise to prepare our children with an overview and resources so they won't feel stuck and wishing they would have had time to think of a better answer.
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nona
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« Reply #12 on: June 05, 2016, 05:29:20 AM »

I forgot to mention, dd has BPD traits.

Now, she is triggered, aligned with uBPDdad, filed a police report alleging I abused her, and the whole "I'm not safe at moms" again... .because I allowed her to experience the natural consequence of refusing a ride to school, causing a tardy.

She left the house hysterically screaming "now (BPD) dad is gonna yell over the tardies on my report card, and it's all your fault."

It appears she is afraid of dads yelling over the report card, and she needs to deflect and get dad mad at me... .instead of her, because he will do his BPD form of punish/reward.

My hope is that now I will be investigated by child protection AGAIN, but DD's behaviors are much worse, than they were last time. DD is VERy at risk. What will it take to get their attention. Threatening cutting and claiming she is a cutter for the last 5 years, never a drop of blood, no bandaids, no scars... .she is just getting started. How to get their attention... .these are the new behaviors since last child protection investigation of me being an abuser

self harming and says Mom did it

stealing alcohol

smoking pot

files false police report

figured out dad is ill /treats her "just like psychopaths seen on tv"

can describe UBPDdad's crazy porn addiction/no boundaries


Thank you all



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