When a BPD wants to talk about it ...

[sempervivum]

There has been a huge dysregulation almost two months ago. I wrote about that but the follow-up deserves a new topic. Since then we are just two room-mates. I am behaving well and cold, doing my job jobs, my household jobs and my parental jobs - and nothing else. It looks like a silent treatment, but it is not. At least not the classical one.

I simply don´t see him as a lover, as a husband and as a friend any more because I think you (=me) cannot live a daily life trying to make things work like in a corporation and never getting a nice word for it, just complaints and be a gentle lover in the evening. My reality looks dull to me.

This morning (it is about 10.45 here where I am and I´m in a hurry because I soon leave for work) before going to his work, he wanted to talk. It is always so: he wants to discuss our issues in by-the-way gaps of time and sometimes in our cellar (!) OK, I tried to explain to him what I wrote here about the overall atmosphere and my role in it. I tried to revoke his numerous repeated sentences he said to me in our life that imply between the lines that I am no good. You can guess what he said back: he either doesn´t remember or he thinks he said them only once or twice or he considers them minor.

Believe it or not, I still love him, but although he is a BPD, he shouldn´t treat me like his little soldier. He commented that if I want a divorce (not yet, mind you) or if I have someone else (if we break up all I want would be a long man-free vacation) I just have to say. To that I said what I said, but we are two people who are talking to the air not to each other´s ear.

He does understand that some "things" (mostly tidiness and order) are not so important to me, then I asked him does that make me less worth. The answer was avoided.

I consider this not a very nice episode, I should have reacted with more calm, but still I think I have the right for my rights.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

still I think I have the right for my rights.

We all do, but we do not need to have agreement on them.

I think the issue may be that you are not getting your emotional needs met. By that I mean the reassurance and enjoyment out of the relationship.

Falling into the role of "carer" our "colleague" rather than bonded partnership is a big risk as we start to manage the relationship rather than just live it.

When I went through this faze i found that backing off on the management side of it and just living my life with more focus on me caused a lot of the entitlement and predictability to lessen. Yes, this brought back some confrontation and drama, but all relationships need this or they become sterile. It is all a matter of balance. We can over manage and then it becomes more workplace like rather than home like. 

[sempervivum]

You are right about this management side. What I found out with myself is that I want to live a life without being the manager, I think we all deserve to have our private spheres with as little pressure as possible. I am the one in our marriage who wants our home to be a home, he is the one who keeps forgetting that home is not a workplace.

I know this is not unusual in life, but a life with a BP makes it more difficult and stressful. All ups and downs are steeper than expected.

[C.Stein]

I think we all deserve to have our private spheres with as little pressure as possible.

I would go so far as to say it is critical to have this in a healthy relationship.  Relationships are built around two individuals and the wants/needs of the individual are just as important as those of the relationship.  To ignore and/or not respect the individual needs of each other is an invitation to problems.

[ArleighBurke]

I think I went through the same about 2 weeks ago. i told my BPDw (with tears in my eyes) that I missed her - that I wanted to live life with her, that I hated the relationship we had. She told me that the relationship was the way it was because of me and how I talk to her.

From that moment, I havn't been able to be emotional with her. It's like the last bit of spousal love just dried up. I still care for her, want to see her happy, but i can't see her as a lover or wife any more - just a friend.

I feel so torn on whether to stay with her or not. She needs me, but whether I'm here or not probably won't make much difference to her. But what do *I* sacrifice by staying... .

[teapay]

Kw,

Do you see yourself staying with your wife once your kids are grown?  If not, then you may just be delaying the inevitable and yes there is an opportunity cost with that you'll pay in the intervening period?  Because life is limited, especially youth, there is interest on that cost too.

What are the major issues keeping you in the marriage.?  Are they external or internal?  If you see yourself ultimately leaving the marriage at some point, how can you mitigate those issues somewhat and grease the skids for a better, easier dissolution for all?  That may still call for delay, but ultimately the costs of all would likely be reduced.

[ArleighBurke]

Sorry - I don't want to threadjack from sempervivum.

I have my own posts elsewhere. But to answer your question, NO, I do not see myself with her after the kids are grown up. We have nothing in common anymore, she won't do anything with me or go anywhere, and she's ignoring all medical advice about her bad shoulder, back, weight. I don't think the kids not being around will change anything, and it will infuriate me in 5yrs time her having preventable medical excuses. I am 40, but I am still in my youth! Really I've been an adult for 20yrs and I've still got another good 40 in me.

And just like sempervivum I still love her. I've shared so much of my life with her, she is the mother of my children, and I genuinly feel bad that she's got such a bad life. I'm not sure how *I* would have turned out with the same hand. Unfortunately that's not enough.

[sempervivum]

Williamskevin, don' t worry, I don' t see any post as stealing, we are all in the same boiling pot.

Interestingly, I managed 5 times as much as you did and I always thought I' ll manage to "until death do us part". Now I have doubts, not the first ones, but the serious ones, because his dysregulations keep growing with his age. They used to have a certain rhythm, but not any more.

To document this I have to reveal some intimate details: last night we made love, sweetly and with love and today on Easter morning he feels miserable, has a headache, a stomachache, feels like vomiting and he will stay in bed the whole day. He claims it was so the last Easter and is right, it is almost always so for Easter and Christmas. I don' t have to be Freud to see that has a lot to do with his ambivalent feelings for his narcissistic mother. Not to go into details, he has certain problems with her, which got stuck due to her traits, so we are all spinning in a vicious circle. Until he finds himself, I am afraid, it will be influencing our lives more and more.Sometimes it' s too complicated... .

[sempervivum]

Sorry, I can' t edit any more. It seems I misunderstood the number of years you  spent with your wife. In the end, my marriage would be not 5 times as much, but 5 more than yours ( =25). Not a big deal, but not to appear ancient as ancient Rome.