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Author Topic: Success with DBT  (Read 466 times)
ColdEthyl
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« on: March 08, 2016, 01:34:17 PM »

Hello everyone Smiling (click to insert in post) I haven't been around much lately, but I wanted to give an update. Recently, my family started a DBT group. We meet, work in a workbook, talk about our weeks, etc.

Now, my BPD husband does not participate. He's invited, but hasn't taken it. We did not expect him to.

However, in the past few months, probably just because of me practicing mindfulness, he's starting to express how he feels instead of just blaming someone or something else.

Earlier this week, I was going to clean the bedroom up some and he said not to worry about it, that he would do it. There's usually a 50/50 shot of him actually doing it, but I thanked him and left it. Then we had planned to have a fun evening of gaming and snacks on Friday when I got home from work. He was super excited about it all week. When I got home from work, the car we had parked on the street in front of the house had an orange tag it. It said we need to move the car that night or it will be towed. When I got in the house, I told him about the sticker and we needed to move the car. That started a minor frenzy, and a few minutes after I talked about that, I told him how great the bedroom looked and how thankful I was.

For the next 3 hours, there was cursing at the car trying to repair it (we just needed to pull the battery and replace it). He was having a hard time getting his hand to fit in behind it, started throwing his hat on the ground, saying he can't do it. I mean... .typical BPD freaking out.

After everything was finished... .car moved, etc. We went back into the home. I told him how great he did, how he saved the car, etc. and he was still in a tizzy. I remained calm. For about an hour after that, there was no talking. He went to commenting on the Internet, and I just did my own thing. He turns to me and says "I just need to get this out. I was really angry at you for coming home and not even saying hello to me. You just came in and started talking about the car outside. You didn't even appreciate what I did in here!"

The next 10 minutes or so was typical BPD breakdown... .mad at me about not kissing his butt about the bedroom right away, mad that no one bought him any bread (he had money), mad that "Friday is now ruined" because of me, etc.

Then... .then he calmed down. He cried a little and said he was sorry. He said he's sorry he can't handle life the right away. He said he knows these are just things that happen, but it's hard for him because he had this vision in his head how the day was going to go... .but it didn't go that way. He said he cleaned the room so I would come home and tell him how great he did... .and he knows I said it, but I mentioned the car outside first. To him, that means that was more important. He also said he knows he should just clean the bedroom because I work and I deserve someone who helps me. He said he knows he shouldn't do things just to get my approval, but it's really hard for him.

I am so proud of him. I know this is so hard for him, but the more he opens up and sees I won't reject him... .the braver he is getting. <3
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Stalwart
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« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2016, 01:42:14 PM »

 Smiling (click to insert in post) Smile from ear to ear ColdEthyl. Love it.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2016, 02:59:01 PM »

Thank you! I am excited too! I see progress, damn it! Took years but shoot... .it's happening!
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Stalwart
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« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2016, 07:25:48 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2016, 09:55:30 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You talked about how much better your H did.

Did you notice how much better YOU did in that story?

He half-way lost it while changing the battery.

He then went inside and dove into the computer (ignored you!) for an hour.

Then he spent 10 minutes blowing typical BPD steam at you.

Rewind yourself back a year. Would you have stayed calm and let him just deal with his own stuff through all three parts of that? Or would you have taken the bait, and let him turn it into a fight?

Because YOU stayed calm, and didn't take any of his antics personally (and no, they really didn't have anything to do with you!) he had the space to calm down, deal with it himself, and apologize.

... .sometimes it is pretty amazing what people will find themselves doing when you make the right changes in yourself!
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2016, 02:36:51 PM »

Wow!  Congratulations.  You have made some good progress.  Glad you are enjoying the success.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2016, 01:26:42 PM »

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You talked about how much better your H did.

Did you notice how much better YOU did in that story?

He half-way lost it while changing the battery.

He then went inside and dove into the computer (ignored you!) for an hour.

Then he spent 10 minutes blowing typical BPD steam at you.

Rewind yourself back a year. Would you have stayed calm and let him just deal with his own stuff through all three parts of that? Or would you have taken the bait, and let him turn it into a fight?

Because YOU stayed calm, and didn't take any of his antics personally (and no, they really didn't have anything to do with you!) he had the space to calm down, deal with it himself, and apologize.

... .sometimes it is pretty amazing what people will find themselves doing when you make the right changes in yourself!

It's been really helpful for both of us when I am able to 'disconnect' so to speak, and let him deal with his own stuff. Last night, I had misplaced my keys, and I got a little frenzied looking for them because I am opening the office today and tomorrow, and my office keys are on there.

When I was looking frantically, he started to help me and told me my mood was making him edgy. In the past, he never would have even expressed that. I told him I understand, and I know my moods splash on him, but I am a human being and I do have feelings, too. I told him he's just has to learn to process it.

After I found them, I was calm and so was he. It didn't get worked into anything else. I think for him just being able to STATE his feelings makes it easier for him to calm himself, as well.
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an0ught
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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2016, 05:48:18 PM »

It's been really helpful for both of us when I am able to 'disconnect' so to speak, and let him deal with his own stuff. Last night, I had misplaced my keys, and I got a little frenzied looking for them because I am opening the office today and tomorrow, and my office keys are on there.

When I was looking frantically, he started to help me and told me my mood was making him edgy. In the past, he never would have even expressed that. I told him I understand, and I know my moods splash on him, but I am a human being and I do have feelings, too. I told him he's just has to learn to process it.

After I found them, I was calm and so was he. It didn't get worked into anything else. I think for him just being able to STATE his feelings makes it easier for him to calm himself, as well.

It is great that you two have progressed to a point where you can display your emotions at times in a less controlled manner! It sounds he is starting to contribute to maintaining emotional stability in the relationship.
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Cole
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« Reply #8 on: March 25, 2016, 02:08:09 PM »

Then... .then he calmed down. He cried a little and said he was sorry. He said he's sorry he can't handle life the right away. He said he knows these are just things that happen, but it's hard for him because he had this vision in his head how the day was going to go... .but it didn't go that way. He said he cleaned the room so I would come home and tell him how great he did... .and he knows I said it, but I mentioned the car outside first. To him, that means that was more important. He also said he knows he should just clean the bedroom because I work and I deserve someone who helps me. He said he knows he shouldn't do things just to get my approval, but it's really hard for him.

I believe many pwBPD understand these things about themselves, but have a hard time facing it. It is part of the core shame issue they face knowing they make life difficult for the ones closest to them.

It is great he was able to open up and express this to you.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2016, 12:24:22 PM »

Then... .then he calmed down. He cried a little and said he was sorry. He said he's sorry he can't handle life the right away. He said he knows these are just things that happen, but it's hard for him because he had this vision in his head how the day was going to go... .but it didn't go that way. He said he cleaned the room so I would come home and tell him how great he did... .and he knows I said it, but I mentioned the car outside first. To him, that means that was more important. He also said he knows he should just clean the bedroom because I work and I deserve someone who helps me. He said he knows he shouldn't do things just to get my approval, but it's really hard for him.

I believe many pwBPD understand these things about themselves, but have a hard time facing it. It is part of the core shame issue they face knowing they make life difficult for the ones closest to them.

It is great he was able to open up and express this to you.

He does. He has told me this is the first relationship he's had that he can open up and admit this stuff, and that scares him and I scare him. He still assumes at some point I'll get tired of him and leave and that it's only a matter of time, but I can't help him feeling/thinking that.

The hardest part for me is still not being able to just talk to him about my feelings. Yesterday, I had a CT scan and I am waiting for the results. I've been having pain in my lower right quadrant for 6-7 months. I'm nervous, I'm scared, and my GAD doesn't help anything.

Friday when the pain got worse, I went to the doctor's and didn't tell him about it until all the testing was ordered. I had to wait for the CT scan until Monday, and I asked him if he wanted to go with me, and he said he did.

Sunday night, I kept having spikes of fear. I would be OK and not thing about it, but then I would remember what was waiting for the me next day, and fear would swallow me up and make me choke on it. That happened every few hours or so. That night, before I was going to try to sleep... .I reached out. He was about to start playing a game, so before he got started on that I asked him for a hug and I told him I was scared. I was crying. He hugged me, then jumped up to go to the bathroom.

When he came back, he mentioned something about my son left his dirty socks in the bathroom floor. I was still hugging my pillow, trying to calm down and crying. I was angry at that point. I *knew* this would happen, but I still have moments where I just want someone to be there for me, too.

I didn't say anything. He just says "I'm not going to play this if I'm going to keep being guilted"

Inside my head... .I'm screaming. Damn BPD... .I KNEW KNEW KNEW he was going to twist/turn this thing back on me. All because I asked for a hug. It got a little tense, I said I just wanted a hug. I didn't want him to not play his game. He said "Well, you said it right before I was about to play, and I feel guilty about playing something and having fun when you are upset and crying." He also said he wasn't mad at me because he knows it's him and how he handles things, but he just couldn't.

That. That was it right there.

He actually felt guilty for playing something and having fun when I was upset, so he was going to not play to punish himself. He wasn't mad at me for being upset, but HE couldn't do anything to make me feel better, so he punished himself, too.

After I understood that, I told him the fact that he was so concerned about how I felt that he felt guilt for enjoying himself told me he loved me.

Also, I know he's scared, too. He's afraid for me, and afraid that something super bad is wrong with me. That adds to it.

In weak moments, when I need someone, he's still there... .he's just there differently. That's been the hardest part.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2016, 12:35:49 PM »

That night, before I was going to try to sleep... .I reached out. He was about to start playing a game, so before he got started on that I asked him for a hug and I told him I was scared. I was crying. He hugged me, then jumped up to go to the bathroom.

When he came back, he mentioned something about my son left his dirty socks in the bathroom floor. I was still hugging my pillow, trying to calm down and crying. I was angry at that point. I *knew* this would happen, but I still have moments where I just want someone to be there for me, too.

Excerpt
In weak moments, when I need someone, he's still there... .he's just there differently. That's been the hardest part.

This is simultaneously heartbreaking and heartwarming. Both of you were very brave and working very hard.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You asked him for support when you needed it.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) He gave you what you asked for.

 He was overwhelmed and needed to back away. (dirty socks)

:'( He didn't have any more support to give you at that time.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Both you and he knew this was going to happen and that it was happening.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  He didn't blame you for it or get mad at you.

:'( You still need and want more than he was able to give you.

   I want to reach through the screen and give you a hug.

I hope you get the results soon and everything turns out OK.

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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2016, 12:56:32 PM »

That IS exactly what happened. It's certainly better than where we have been! Thank you so much! Smiling (click to insert in post)

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