Good signs?

[Georgina T]

Hi everyone. I 've posted before about my relationship with my fiance who has very strong BPD traits but is in therapy. I've seen signs of improvement with a lot of drawbacks... .

yesterday he almost had a usual crisis - almost being the operative word... .

When he started accusing me of lying, I withdrew - didnt shout or anything, just withdrew and kept quiet -

After a while he apologized, asked me not to pay attention to him when he is like that. He sited work stress and I refused to accept the reason, I told him that this is because of what is going on inside his head, not outside. He accepted and put on his best behavior, I kept being distant and the only thing i told him was goodnight.

This morning, he was very sweet, he did seem remorse, he was looking forward to his session with his analyst later today and before he left he looked at me and promised me that he is trying hard to get rid of his 'demons' that's how he calls his outbursts.

Do you think this could be a sign that he is actually acknowledging his condition, that he can genuinely stop blaming others for his behavior?

I know that this is not something you can respond based on the information I just gave you, but was wondering if you have had similar experiences

Many thanks

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

Woohoo for a win! Love when these moments happen. It definitely shows signs of improvement. When my uBPDh makes these small steps, I always make sure to praise him for it as soon as I feel it is ok to do so.

[Notwendy]

I think it is a good idea to reinforce progress and positive attempts, and not project hopelessness. On the other hand, I also think when considering marriage, one needs to be realistic and look at this from a long term perspective. Personality disorders are pervasive and while improvement is possible, the kind of improvement that is long lasting (IMHO) takes time.


I think you are invested in this relationship for the long run, from your posts. One thing to consider is not him, not anything contingent on his improvement. That is putting the choice of the relationship in his hands. It could be a cycle- then you would have the on again off again over and over. However, if you place the focus on you, and understanding why you are drawn to this man, or men like him, it may clarify your choices.

I first noticed this pattern in a friend I had- and this is the extreme of abuse. She had an abusive husband who nearly killed her. She ended the relationship and moved away. She was pretty, smart, fun to be with. Several nice men I knew were interested in her, but she didn't have an chemistry with them. Although she had a fresh start, over time, I watched her start drinking a lot, and dating men who I didn't think were so nice. Although I had my own FOO issues, this was not something I was dealing with. I was not attracted to the men she liked. Although I didn't have an understanding of these relationships at the time, I did notice that there was something about her that was contributing to her attraction to people. We didn't get into talking about it. Somehow though, I realized that my smart, pretty, friend had repeated her patterns in a new place. I realized later that I would do that as well- that the clue to my relationship was about me. This was the incentive to learn more about that. Not everyone is in a relationship to this extreme thankfully, but who we attract and are attracted to are unique to us.

So, given a year of engagement, learning about yourself- might be helpful in making this decision.

Clearly this man has some great qualities. Many people do, and this is why we like our partners. However, if we are in a dysfunctional dance with them, we can learn what our steps are in this dance.

[Hope26]

Hi Georgina,

I haven't read your previous posts, but to me the operative phrase here was that you 'just withdrew - didn't shout or anything', after which he calmed down and even apologized.  You asked if others had had similar experiences, and I can definitely say 'yes' to that. When I learned to keep my mouth shut and not react emotionally to uBPDh's outbursts, they became less frequent and of shorter duration.  I don't usually get an apology, but once in a while there is acknowledgement of his behavior after the fact.  He is aware that he has a problem, admits it much more frequently, and is genuinely trying to do better.  So good for you for handling the situation well and defusing an episode!  Keep up the good work!  Lord knows it isn't easy.

[an0ught]

Hi Georgina,

sounds like progress on both sides. You recognized that things went downhill. You protected yourself by withdrawing. He did not escalate when you withdrew(!). He even came round and appreciated you being consistent with your boundaries.

There is more than one thing going the right way  

Do you think this could be a sign that he is actually acknowledging his condition, that he can genuinely stop blaming others for his behavior?

He seems to know but when emotionally overexcited this knowledge will not be accessible in all situations. Not thinking and talking but consistent boundaries will help him establishing a more solid connection between what he does and the consequences of his behavior.