Support Group For People with BPD Spouse

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm looking for a support group for spouses or romantic partners that are in a relationship with someone who has BPD (for that matter it doesn't have to be just spouses). I'm in the western new york area, Buffalo and its suburbs. I see a therapist on my own, but its every other week, it costs $60 a session. While the therapist is good and well intentioned, I see it only as therapeutic, as I can't change my wife from what me and my therapist do. I also feel like my therapist doesn't live this in his personal life so his perspective is professional rather than personal (if that makes sense). I guess I'm looking for support from others that I can call on a weekend, and not just a 45 minute appt, every other week. I'm staying with my wife, I want her to get treatement, she is in severe denial. My family thinks she has BPD and I should leave if she doesn't get treatement, so its really difficult to talk to them on an ongoing basis about whats going on. Ultimately, my family sees the unfairness and they resent my wife, so I try not to advertise the bad behaviour (or at least have stopped because the minimal relief of unloading my problems ultimately cost more when my family resents my wife and my wife takes it out on me). I also have only 1 or 2 friends that I can talk to about this, they know nothing about it (i.e. they aren't experts or have personal experience with BPD) and when I see my friends I want it to be positive and not a big anger session.       

[w9isgrate]

I'm looking for a support group for spouses or romantic partners that are in a relationship with someone who has BPD (for that matter it doesn't have to be just spouses). I'm in the western new york area, Buffalo and its suburbs. I see a therapist on my own, but its every other week, it costs $60 a session. While the therapist is good and well intentioned, I see it only as therapeutic, as I can't change my wife from what me and my therapist do. I also feel like my therapist doesn't live this in his personal life so his perspective is professional rather than personal (if that makes sense). I guess I'm looking for support from others that I can call on a weekend, and not just a 45 minute appt, every other week. I'm staying with my wife, I want her to get treatement, she is in severe denial. My family thinks she has BPD and I should leave if she doesn't get treatement, so its really difficult to talk to them on an ongoing basis about whats going on. Ultimately, my family sees the unfairness and they resent my wife, so I try not to advertise the bad behaviour (or at least have stopped because the minimal relief of unloading my problems ultimately cost more when my family resents my wife and my wife takes it out on me). I also have only 1 or 2 friends that I can talk to about this, they know nothing about it (i.e. they aren't experts or have personal experience with BPD) and when I see my friends I want it to be positive and not a big anger session.       

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

The place my husband gets his therapy specializes in DBT and they have a support group for family members, I'm not sure if you could find something like that, I would look into places that provide DBT. It has been suggested to me to go to Alanon meetings before, it's free and they are usually dealing with much of the same behavior, people who have addictions can act much the same as someone who has BPD, they deal with codependency problems too which is much of the same problems that we have.

[waverider]

support groups for spouses are few and far between, unlike the Alanon groups Cloudy days suggests, which i agree can help teach the acceptance aspect of it and the importance of getting on with your lif erather than trying to fix what you can't. That was my introduction to support groups even before thi ssite. but then alcohol was one of the issues.

I did find a local support group for family members living with BPD, but that wasn't really fulfilling as you are mixed up with parents dealing with kids, and viz versa, so a lot of the time it is not particular enough to your situation. They can also descend into poor me vent fests, without the centering and resources to refer to. The facilitators, as you point out, did not live it, but had more of a clinical perspective, often from the field of councilling pwBPD rather than those coping with it.

By far the best support group is here, there is always someone available when you need it. It wont set up the conflict that may arise between you and your wife by "meeting with all those other losers just to b___ about their partners" (your wife's potential attitude).

It is difficult for clinicians to walk in your shoes, they are good for centering and keeping benchmarks, but they still can't feel your perspective as they finish work and go home to normality. Unless you live in crazy town you will never pick up the dialect

[NotThatGuy]

I'm in Rochester, similar situation.  My wife is getting treatment, but isn't really committed, sees it as something I'm making her do.  I haven't heard about any spouse/family support groups, but will let you know, and would love to hear if you find something.  I'd go as far as buffalo, depending on timing. . .

Isolation is a huge issue.  My wife has been throwing up roadblocks whenever I try to make friends or develop interests separate from our family and her.  My situation at home is bad enough that most people can't really offer any support.  No one seems to have any advice beyond "leave", which I will not do. I am in therapy too, but you're right-- it's not the same as someone else who's been there.  My therapist can help me work on my own stuff, but not really understand how hard it is when my every moment at home is wrapped up in dealing with my wife, and trying to keep the home stable for our kids. 

So, I hope you find something!

[w9isgrate]

Thanks for the replys and support. "NotThatGuy" touched on something that really resonated with me. The isolation (I know my original post was about support groups, but I think it was indirectly really about isolation). In my wife's opinion, I am the cause of all the problems (off late that is, at other times in the marriage, others were the culprit). My work is tough as well with a nasty condesending boss. Some days after being beat up at work then coming home and getting beat up again, its just too much. Two of our kids are teens, they see their moms behaviour as well, and now they call he out on it. One teen has an anger problem and can get really nasty and violent. I dont know what to do when my angry teen and wife get in a fight. Both have valid points (teens shouldn't question adults and adults shouldn't act the way my wife does). Last Thursday, bad day at work, bad day when I got home, teen and wife got into a fight, sometimes I feel like I'm going to break. I don't even know if I could go to a support group, my BPDwife would probably be really angry.