Oh no, not again

[BowlOfPetunias]

The username is a reference to the bowl of petunias in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  It's only thoughts during its brief existence ("Oh no, not again!" remind of how I have felt for a long time.

My first experience with a BPD partner was in college.  I was shy and had very little dating experience.  J was the second woman I ever had sex with.  And it was amazing--until she started picking fights in the middle of sex.  And when the relationship was nothing but sex, sex, sex (and rage and jealousy, of course.)  I broke up with her after several months.

I am finally admitting to myself that the conflict in my marriage of 20 years may have something to do with my wife having a less severe form of BPD.  We're in couples counseling--because I gave her an ultimatum after she raged at me (during a long car trip and in front of the kids) for wanting to waste money on a restaurant when she had been the one to suggest going there.  She then insisted that I apologize for being "defensive."  The couples counselor has finally gotten her to see an individual therapist and a psychiatrist.  (I have been clinically depressed for a long time, so I see a pshychiatrist and take meds.  I also see a therapist--who was our previous couples therapist until my wife, R, decided she did not like her.) 

Despite my wife freaking out on me supposedly wanting to spend money we didn't have on a restaurant she picked out, she has constantly been insisting that we take a very expensive vacation. We just had a party with a DJ I said we could not afford.  She accused me of "being afraid to live my life because of what might happen."  We were already in bad financial shape (unpaid bills, high debt, house repairs needed), but the something that "might happen" did just happen--we ended up owing several thousand dollars in taxes this year.  There was no acknowledgement, of course, that my supposedly irrational fears had been warranted.  Or that it had been mean of her to essentially call me a coward.

She often criticizes me for not "standing up for yourself" because I do not confront people the way she wants me to do so.  She also goes off on a raging tantrum when I stand up to her.  There is also a lot of invalidation of my feeling and my ideas.  Something that I say is worthless until some else suggests it to her.  Then she acts as if I had never said anything about it.

A lot of the rage is also directed at the kids, and I fear that they may be picking up her behaviors.

I have a Ph.D., but I left academia after two years at a visiting position.  Junior faculty members should put in 60 hours a week--I could not even do 40 because of my wife's emotional crises.  One time, I had to wait to go to work as she cried at me on the porch--it was not fair that she couldn't be a stay at home mom like her friend!  (I had felt good about having my first real full-time job and earning more money than ever before--but her friend's husband was an accountant.)

Here's the immediate concern.  I am about to have surgery that will put me out of commission for several weeks.  I will not be able to help with most housework.  I will not be able to drive.  I will not be able to go to work.  Several years ago, my wife insisted that I jump right back into things right after the anesthesia wore off from another operation.  She even left me alone that day with our infant!  I am very afraid that she is going to snap after I have the surgery.

I have asked a friend if I can crash if I need to get away.  My wife has acted hysterically, however, when I have even tried to sleep on the couch.

Oh, and the sex has been incredibly infrequent--even when she tells me she wants to have sex the following night.  Something will come up--like deciding to watch a tv show.  (I also have low testosterone levels and I am on hormone replacement therapy.  She was incredibly insensitive when I first had ED problems--taking viagra or cialis was an insult that must have meant she wasn't attractive!)

And yes, there are still things I like about her.  Generally, we share the same political values, like similar music, etc.

Some Background:  My sister appears to have BPD (suicide attempts, running away, very bad sexual/relationship choices, raging mood swings, impulsiveness, drug use, always blaming others, going to doctors who do what she says)--it caused major trauma in my childhood.  My parents neglected me and my abusive grandmother was the closest person in my life.  I got bullied and beat up a lot--usually when I tried to defend my parents or act in a manner that I thought would make up for my sister.  My father had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and committed suicide--I believe because my sister was blackmailing him at the time.  My wife's mother definitely has something going on--BPD or NPD.  She also used to be a very mean drunk.

I recently realized that as a child I took responsibility for my parents emotions--my sister was so horrible, so I had to make them happy by being exactly what they wanted (as interpreted through my abusive grandmother.)  They did not become happy, so I had to feel guilty.  And, worst of all, they continued to ignore me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Welcome BoP,  

I thoroughly enjoyed the literary reference.  

Given everything you have described your wife seems to exhibit more than a few borderline traits.

I have been clinically depressed for a long time, so I see a pshychiatrist and take meds.  I also see a therapist--who was our previous couples therapist until my wife, R, decided she did not like her.

Do you think your depression is at least in part a circumstance of your relationship?  In my relationship I found myself depressed as well due to my ex's behavior towards me.  

Here's the immediate concern.  I am about to have surgery that will put me out of commission for several weeks.  I will not be able to help with most housework.  I will not be able to drive.  I will not be able to go to work.  Several years ago, my wife insisted that I jump right back into things right after the anesthesia wore off from another operation.  She even left me alone that day with our infant!  I am very afraid that she is going to snap after I have the surgery.

I am sorry you have to deal with these questions.  It has to make you wonder what your wife thinks in sickness and in health really means?  :)o you think there is some way you can lay the groundwork before your surgery so she is prepared for your recovery process, regardless of the time it may require?

I recently realized that as a child I took responsibility for my parents emotions--my sister was so horrible, so I had to make them happy by being exactly what they wanted (as interpreted through my abusive grandmother.)  They did not become happy, so I had to feel guilty.  And, worst of all, they continued to ignore me.

This is good.  :)eep introspection like this takes courage and strength.  How do you see this impacting your relationship with regard to your own behavior and where do you think there is room for improvement within yourself?

[BowlOfPetunias]

Yes, the depression has been exacerbated by the incredible levels of stress due to fear of rages, invalidation, criticism, no-win situations, and financial problems.

I have expressed my concerns about the upcoming surgery and told her that it must be different this time.  I have emphasized that I will not be able to do my share of the work, so there will be more for her to do.  I have also discussed this in couples therapy.  She says she fully supports my decision to go ahead with the surgery (to relieve a very painful injury and prevent further damage.)  We shall see.

One of the stories she tells people about how she knew I was "the one" is about me taking care of her after she had her wisdom teeth out a few weeks after we met.  I have also done a lot to support her recovery when she has had surgery.  I just want to be taken care of when I really need it.  At the very least, I want to be left alone to rest when I really need it.

I told our couples therapist last night that I think that my insight means I need to stop feeling responsible for trying to make my wife happy or even calm through rational arguments or deference.  He agreed. 

(My wife does not take comprise or even surrender as a reason to stop attacking.  When a dog roles over and shows it stomach, it is telling the other dog, "You can kill me, but we have an understanding in our species that you won't actually do it if I surrender like this."  The fight ends.  My wife often keeps going for the belly.  It creates an incredible disincentive to comprise with her--I will be punished either way.  Also, her repetition of why I am wrong over and over also feels like she thinks she needs to pound it into my thick skull.  I have had to step in when she does both of these things to our teenage son.)

[C.Stein]

Have you had a chance to read any of the articles and workshops on communication that are available here?  

I do hope your wife can be supportive and understanding after your surgery.  My ex said to me on many occasions I just want to take care of you ... .but when it came time to do that, particularly emotionally, she couldn't/didn't.  I do believe she was sincere when she said that, but when faced with having to step up and do it she could only carry through when it was convenient for her to do so.  It is so very difficult to deal with this discrepancy and unfortunately I totally get how depression can set in as a result.

[nrobinson]

I have of same issues  except my husband is controlled by his family and I know they are trying to help but... .

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome here. You are among people who do understand what you are facing. 

I have expressed my concerns about the upcoming surgery and told her that it must be different this time.  I have emphasized that I will not be able to do my share of the work, so there will be more for her to do.  I have also discussed this in couples therapy.  She says she fully supports my decision to go ahead with the surgery (to relieve a very painful injury and prevent further damage.)  We shall see.

I think you already know this, but you really cannot trust her to "do things differently" just because you state it this way.

Take doing it differently into your own hands.

1. Make sure you have people who can support and care for you during your recovery lined up.

In this case, that would include somebody you can call to drive over, pick you up, and take you to a safe place you can rest. If it means hiring help for you and paying for a hotel room, do it. If you have friends/family you can trust, that would be better.

2. Make backup child care plans, as you cannot do much, and your wife may drop the ball.

How old are the kids now. Are there other family/friends who are already have been entrusted for babysitting?

3. How long until your surgery?

[livednlearned]

Hi BowlOfPetunias,

I wanted to join others in saying welcome and hello 

It takes a lot of strength to not be injured by a BPD relationship. We are here to walk with you and support the discovery of what it means to be your own emotional leader. Like you mentioned when talking about your wife, it can be very invalidating (and confusing) to be on the receiving end of criticism, insults, impossible demands. Meanwhile, many people with BPD have above average needs for validation themselves.

How much rest do you need post surgery? Like Grey Kitty mentioned, you will fare best when you take things into your own hands. Your wife has emotional limitations that make it difficult for her to rise to the occasion -- she probably doesn't handle stress well, and your surgery will increase stress for her, especially if there is more work for her to do.

Some of this will be practical: who can help alleviate the workload, how can you time it so that you are likely to get optimal support, who can come get you if you need help, etc.

Some of this will be about communication skills: how can you communicate your boundaries in ways that mitigate her emotional triggers?

Being flanked by BPD is common for many of us. Mothers, fathers, siblings, grandparents. You are not alone, and there is a way through. The skills can make a difference, and the commitment to restore your emotional health can be transformational.

We're here for you 

LnL