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Author Topic: Trying to learn acceptance, because I don't really see myself leaving.  (Read 371 times)
Modron
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« on: March 18, 2016, 10:34:43 AM »

I can tell by my posts that my thoughts are all over the place. This relationship with my BPDW is, still, having a negative impact on my health an career. I stopped posting for a week, or so, to reflect on some of the plans I've made to try to reduce the conflict and chaos, like doing an anniversary week to try to keep things light and avoid a blow up on our actual anniversary day. She worked late every night at the new job, so unless we went out late we didn't do anything special. Her plan was to get all of her week's hours in so that we could spend anniversary day together. That's today. She's at work. On top of that, last night she came home late crying and beside herself that the new job isn't going to work out. I've interpreted this as my plans to make anniversary week special were good for preventing acting out within our relationship. But, the acting out was going to happen, so it's happening over the new job.

I had no idea what to say about the job situation. I don't even know if it's really a concern. Based on what she told me about the way she talked to some of her supervisors, it could very well become a concern. She's misinterpreting pretty much everything they're telling her. Being defensive even when they're trying to help her. I suspect it's similar to what I call her puking her self-loathing all over me. I sat and listened. I listened and remained silent. Well, I asked a couple of questions, but I didn't offer any advice. She's going to have to fix this one or fail on her own. I can't participate just to get screamed at, or to have what I say twisted into whatever rationalization suits her.

I've been learning a lot. Her BPD behaviors really do trigger memories and feelings that I had growing up with a BPDMom. SO much fear and insecurity. I feel like I'm coming undone just like I did when I was a kid. So, I'm trying to recognize the feelings and not let them control me. I've accomplished a lot, and I need to focus on that. I want to focus on it so that I can keep growing as a person.

I'm also going to be working on validating and not doing JADE. We didn't keep seeing him, but we had a really good therapist who did validating with her really well. He was a great model for it. I wasn't a great student, but I'm going to try to do better.

I'm putting my worries about her/our debt on the back burner for awhile. I have no idea how her new job is going to go. I accept we're moving forward from here, for now. If she as to try at another job, that's what will have to happen. I'll have to decide at another time what the next move is. Now, I don't have enough information to make a decision.

The saddest part of the acceptance, as I see it, is accepting that we'll never really connect. We'll never work together to solve problems or celebrate our successes. Today when she headed for work what I heard in my head was "Please grow up. Please grow up. Please grow up." Please become a problem solver. Please learn skills. Please don't do nothing and then criticize what others do. Feelings are not reality. No matter how strongly you "feel" about something it isn't actually doing anything. Really do something. Please be "real". I don't want the chasm between us to fill with sadness. I think it would be more than I could bear. And I know I can't keep expecting her to do and be what she's not capable of. And, I'm not leaving, at least not right now. So, I need to recommit myself to my own work and maybe get some hobbies where I can have a sense of accomplishment.


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sweetheart
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2016, 11:59:10 AM »

Hello Modron, I can really relate to where you are at the moment, I was there a while ago. The reality was that I too had decided to stay and realised that understanding what acceptance might mean and how it would look in practice has really helped me let go of a lot of the hurt and resentment I was holding on to.

I came across this post whilst skulking around the PI board, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0, if you haven't already read it, have a read. It really helped something shift inside me, I can't put my finger on why, it just did. It's simple, straight forward and for me demystified Radical Acceptance.

Recommitting to your own life with your own pursuits and hobbies can take you away from your SO's issues when they become all consuming. Again for me I started to find interests just for me that enlivened me, gave a sense of fulfilment and pleasure that had been missing for a long time. I've been doing volunteer work for the last year in my sons school which has opened up some unexpected opportunities, it has also freed up space between me and my dBPDh that is no longer filled with conflict.

Redirecting your attention back onto yourself, your wants and needs may help things start to improve within your relationship by opening up that positive space between you both that doesn't have to be filled with all things BPD. It is possible.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2016, 05:00:26 PM »

I had no idea what to say about the job situation. I don't even know if it's really a concern. Based on what she told me about the way she talked to some of her supervisors, it could very well become a concern. She's misinterpreting pretty much everything they're telling her. Being defensive even when they're trying to help her. I suspect it's similar to what I call her puking her self-loathing all over me. I sat and listened. I listened and remained silent. Well, I asked a couple of questions, but I didn't offer any advice. She's going to have to fix this one or fail on her own. I can't participate just to get screamed at, or to have what I say twisted into whatever rationalization suits her.

This is good crisis management, letting the storm pass. However you can't live like this all the time. Acceptance is about knowing when you have to pull your head out of the shelter and take on some of the flak, and realize that it is all part of the elements and not going to do any real harm. Otherwise you end up living a life sterilized buy over avoidance. Knowing where that line is comes with self confidence in your own abilities to cope with living with a disorder

The saddest part of the acceptance, as I see it, is accepting that we'll never really connect. We'll never work together to solve problems or celebrate our successes. Today when she headed for work what I heard in my head was "Please grow up. Please grow up. Please grow up." Please become a problem solver. Please learn skills. Please don't do nothing and then criticize what others do. Feelings are not reality. No matter how strongly you "feel" about something it isn't actually doing anything. Really do something. Please be "real". I don't want the chasm between us to fill with sadness. I think it would be more than I could bear. And I know I can't keep expecting her to do and be what she's not capable of. And, I'm not leaving, at least not right now. So, I need to recommit myself to my own work and maybe get some hobbies where I can have a sense of accomplishment.

There is most likely an element of grieving here, letting go of the dreams you had based on perceived potential

Recommitting to your own life with your own pursuits and hobbies can take you away from your SO's issues when they become all consuming. Again for me I started to find interests just for me that enlivened me, gave a sense of fulfilment and pleasure that had been missing for a long time. I've been doing volunteer work for the last year in my sons school which has opened up some unexpected opportunities, it has also freed up space between me and my dBPDh that is no longer filled with conflict.

Redirecting your attention back onto yourself, your wants and needs may help things start to improve within your relationship by opening up that positive space between you both that doesn't have to be filled with all things BPD. It is possible.

This too was my turning point, letting it go, and filling the void with my life.

I am a firm believer in it being difficult to let things go without replacing them with something else, otherwise that gap in your life keeps calling you back.

Constantly trying to "fix' my wife overworked me and drained me. Once i stopped and concentrated on rebuilding my life, life calmed down and became more balanced and fulfilling, My wife felt less pressured to "perform' (after the initial bout of abandonment), i found acceptance easier as i didn't overthink on things. Conflict and defensiveness started to reduce as reactiveness and triggers started to be less primed to blow at any minute.

Resentment changed to periodic frustrations, whose duration, intensity and frequency continue to lesson.

Change like this is an evolution, you don't notice it until you look back., but it starts with a seed. If we can plant a few seeds we have done a good thing.

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NotThatGuy

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Relationship status: Married and living together
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2016, 06:12:40 PM »

A lot of what you're saying resonates with me.  I'm working on acceptance of the relationship I have, and feeling the grief over the relationship that I wanted.  Realizing that my wife isn't, and may never be, a truly equal partner, has been hard.  And its hard accepting that we just have different capabilities in lots of things: that she's really not able to be consistent and logical, that she can't restrain her spending, that she needs a lot of emotional support and can't provide much in return, that she expects to be cared for financially and also expects me to be present for her all the time. 

I'm working on validation, but I have trouble being respectful about it, if only in my own head.  I feel dishonest saying "I can see how you feel that way," and not adding "but it's insane."  (Or, to subtract the judgment, ". . . but the way you're reacting doesn't match what's happening, and is not likely to get you what you want."  I recognize that feeling dishonest about it is, in fact, my problem, and that unequivocal validation really is what she needs from me.  But I haven't gotten past it yet.  My default communication style is "tell the truth as clearly and fully as possible," which . . . is not very effective in my relationship.

Anyway, don't have any advice, really.  I get it, though.  None of this is easy. 
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2016, 06:27:33 AM »

Hi Modron,

Congratulations on not trying to solve your wife's work problems.  You seem to be making progress.  I applaud you because from experience, I know how difficult it is to let your spouse work out their own problems.  My spouse is so opposite from me.  He likes to keep things stirred up at work.  It unnerves me when he talks about it, all fired up, at home.  I have just recently begun to keep out of his problems.  Really, he does not need me to solve them, but, tending to be codependent, I worry and want to fix... .  I have finally accepted that he is just different than me and let that go. 

Thanks, sweetheart for posting that link - very good article on acceptance. 

Waverider is far along the path and I am trying to get to the place where I can comment and not stay totally detached and weather the storm that may result.  Still dabbling with that. 

Keep up the good work, Modron.
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Daisy23

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« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2016, 08:52:12 AM »

That totally sums up where I am in my marriage. I've finally had to tell myself to keep open the possibility that he can grow (he's been in therapy almost 4 years and it's helped a bit) while also letting myself accept that I need to rebuild my life based on how things are now. I've spent most of my marriage (25 yrs) clinging to the future and am learning now to just count on the present.I went to a medical intuitive who was very familiar with BPD and she told me to "just keep shining your light - he'll either catch up with you or he won't but that's up to him."

Recently it hit me how pwBPD unconsciously swallow our being (and we let them) and use it as a substrate for the nourishment of their own endless needs. I'm not leaving my marriage (of course everything in life is open to change) but I am tired of feeling like a crutch. It feels so good to give up that role and support myself instead. Going through this issue with my BPDh has taught me how much power we have over our own lives, our own happiness.

As it turns out, doing this consistently for about ten months seems to have helped my husband to acknowledge that I am a separate person with a life of my own. Hallelujah!

Hang in there!
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AfterTheRainComesSun

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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2016, 02:25:58 PM »

Great job, Modron!

I wish I could be so asertive as you are - I think I might be at the begining of this process... .As a people pleaser and care taker I (of course) did everything to make her happy, help her, motivate her... .I don't know if this is a special BPD characteristic or just her own - she is expecting me to do all these stuff and support her... .and if she fails, it's me who is guilty for her failure... .I'm always guilty... .no matter what I do  If I dont manage to detach, then I internalize her sadness and try to fix it. I think it takes a lot of work and progress to just accept it and let it go - so, congratulations once again! How did you start? Any advice how to put theory into practice?

Coping techniques is what I'm lacking... .you mentioned focusing on yourself, which for me at this stage sounds great in theory, practice is different... .but sometimes I manage to go leave her raging and go on a walk and relax, or do my hobbies, detach from her rage and focus on myself but usually I'm being blamed for that later (if she is still in her raging episode when I'm back - usually it lasts from 2 to 3 days) - and thats make it more difficult coz I'm seriously lacking assertiveness... .

Keep up!
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Modron
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« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2016, 07:27:31 PM »

Acceptance has been difficult the past couple of days. Dealing with impulse spending and her work issues (when I'm having a few of my own).

First, our second anniversary "week" was a couple of weeks ago. If she plans special days they, usually, fall apart and so does she. Example, our first anniversary she wanted to do "big" stuff and then wound up melting down in my car, because she hadn't even managed to get a card. We fixed that one with a lot of validating and sharing the card I had gotten by both of us signing it and giving it to one another. (It's like birthdays, I've just learned that they'll be disappointing.) So, this year I did plan ahead to do some small things all week long. Most nights she worked late. On our actual anniversary day I was out trying to get her present, so I was late. When I got home she was crying on the sofa: rule of BPD life - special days HAVE to be bad. I explained the misadventures of trying to get her gift, and that lightened the mood a bit. We had an okay dinner out. All-in-all the annivarsary went better because I planned ahead and accepted when she worked late in spite of plans - this is not a two-way street.

So, post-anniversary and since she's had a day job and steady check, the spending has been out-of-control. I, finally, had to address it when we were out grocery shopping at the time it was happening. (Waiting until we're home is too abstract. I have to say something when her hands are on the item or it has no meaning to her.) I reminded her that we have the huge student loan she owes on. So, she about starts to cry. We got out quickly enough that it didn't become a problem in the store. When we got home her comment was: "When you do more to pay for my son's college education than I do, you make me look bad."  It astonishes me. I want to respond: Yes, and losing another home to foreclosure - as she already has - would be bad. And, going bankrupt - as she already has - would be bad. And having credit card debt - as she already has - would be bad. None of those experiences register with her. None of the same behavior that got her in that situation (minus drug addict ex-husband) registers with her, but me making sure we get the student loan paid off "makes her look bad." Want to feel panicky about finances? Be with someone who reasons this way about them.

This makes acceptance hard.

Then, the next day, she and some friends decide, on a lark, that they're going to meet half way across the country. A trip we have no money for. I broke down and cried at the weight of knowing if I said anything it would result in a running away, screaming, crying fit - and she'd take the trip anyway. My crying seemed to throw her off. She thought I was crying over problems at my work. It seemed to distract her. I don't know what the status of the trip is.

This makes acceptance hard.

Tonight she came home from work and had a meltdown. She had a bottle of wine. I have to sort through whether the work meltdown is just a way for me to tell her to quit her job, or if it's an excuse to drink. I think it was both. I picked JADE-ing over validating. I was really angry at feeling like I was being manipulated into letting her walk away from a job and get drunk in the process. And the panicky feeling at listening to her explain what happened, realizing as she goes on that she has, or is using, ZERO problem solving skills in a job where they really need her to be able to solve problems and move accounts forward.

Acceptance is really hard.

In the meantime, my work has been suffering through all of this. She knows that, and it's almost as if the BPD comes out of her to make it harder for me.

So, acceptance is hard.

So, this topsy-turvy week, or so, has set me back in my plans to focus on myself and my interests. I need to get back to it. I'm still not going anywhere, at least not mentally. But, I do need to teleport myself mentally and emotionally to a better place: an art museum, botanical garden, good book, project.

Thanks to you all for your comments on this thread. I'm trying to stay positive. She just came and asked me if she can drink. ... .Yup, trying to stay positive.

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unicorn2014
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« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2016, 08:25:12 PM »

Hi modron, I think that's a good idea. I'm from the conflicted board and working on acceptance so I can come back to the staying board. I was on the staying board until some information came to light in my relationship that was a game changer for me and I'm still wrestling with that.

May I ask how your wife is able to keep a job? It sounds like she is high functioning. What kind of skills does she use in her job? I'm asking this to try and find the positive. If she's able to work full time that means she has some degree of functionality so that might be something you can build on.

Radical acceptance is hard.
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