Scared and hurt by her delusion

[BowlOfPetunias]

My wife is fixated on a trip to Disney.  We went once before, when my inheritance from my father temporarily got us out of our financial hole.

Our finances are much, much worse now.  Yet she keeps talking about Disney.  Even when I tell her spending that much money scares me.  She essentially calls me a coward--"I am living in fear of what might happen."  Even when I tell her that it makes me feel that she thinks I am not a good enough husband because she feel I should earn enough to afford it.  (She once cried when I was going to work in my first real job because she could not afford to be a stay at home mother like her friend.)  She even keeps on talking about it when she has agreed with our couples therapist that we should not talk about it for several months.  She even threatened divorce if we don't go--though she walked this back.

She recently admitted that we could not go THIS summer.  She is extremely resentful that I "forced" her to recognize that.  Since then, our financial situation has gotten even worse.  Yet she insists that she has not given up on the trip!

And I am not just scared for myself!  I am scared about the financial future of our whole family, including her and our kids.  Being scared for other people you are supposed to protect is much scarier than being scared for your own sake.

She also denies that saying I am living in fear is in any way meant to be hurtful.

(She recently denied that asking how my diet was going in reference to the chair lifting at a bar mitzah was in any way mean.  First, I could not take a joke.  Then, she was really talking about us both needing to lose weight.  Then, she had the nerve to ask me how she could express her concerns about her friend's health without hurting her feelings!  That obviously mattered more than my feelings.  A few years ago, she told me I was fat while we were having sex.  She once woke me up to tell me I looked "bloated."  God forbid, however, she thinks that I am saying anything negative about her appearance!)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Behaving as a responsible adult is not cowardly or fearful.  Do whatever you need to in order to provide for your family.  If that means no trip to Disney then that is what it means.  It would be nice if you could get her to see you are being responsible here. 

[Grey Kitty]

She sounds disordered; all this sounds very typical for a pwBPD or somebody with BPD traits at least. She seems to be saying a bunch of things that immediately feel crazy, wrong, or even manipulative to you... .especially about who you are or what you are thinking, or feeling.

Every one of these things has two things in common--First, it is emotionally abusive to you. Second, she is telling you what you are thinking or feeling, as if she knows it better than you do!

She essentially calls me a coward--"I am living in fear of what might happen." 

She is extremely resentful that I "forced" her to recognize that.

She also denies that saying I am living in fear is in any way meant to be hurtful.

She recently denied that asking how my diet was going in reference to the chair lifting at a bar mitzah was in any way mean.

First, I could not take a joke.

This happens a LOT, and it is very difficult. Listen for this kind of thing from her--I'm sure it happens more than you realize... .and there are two things to do about it:

1. Believe YOUR REALITY, not hers. She doesn't know what you are thinking or feeling, you do. Don't let her convince you that these things are true... .you know if they are or not. (And they aren't 99% of the time!)

2. Stop trying to convince her otherwise. Nothing good comes of this!

If you tell her that her beliefs are wrong, you are invalidating her--which just makes her more upset. "Proving" that she is wrong doesn't go well, does it? The acronym JADE will help you a lot.

Never Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. None of those will do any good at all, they just rile her up and make the fight worse.

If you don't examine the accusations closely, it is very easy to get "stuck" or "caught up" in needing to convince yourself and her that they aren't true... .if you realize deep down that they aren't true, it is easier to let go of the need to attempt the futile and counter-productive fight where you try to convince her!