She sounds disordered; all this sounds very typical for a pwBPD or somebody with BPD traits at least. She seems to be saying a bunch of things that immediately feel crazy, wrong, or even manipulative to you... .especially about who you are or what you are thinking, or feeling.
Every one of these things has two things in common--First, it is emotionally abusive to you. Second, she is telling you what you are thinking or feeling, as if she knows it better than you do!
She essentially calls me a coward--"I am living in fear of what might happen."
She is extremely resentful that I "forced" her to recognize that.
She also denies that saying I am living in fear is in any way meant to be hurtful.
She recently denied that asking how my diet was going in reference to the chair lifting at a bar mitzah was in any way mean.
First, I could not take a joke.
This happens a LOT, and it is very difficult. Listen for this kind of thing from her--I'm sure it happens more than you realize... .and there are two things to do about it:
1. Believe YOUR REALITY, not hers. She doesn't know what you are thinking or feeling, you do. Don't let her convince you that these things are true... .you know if they are or not. (And they aren't 99% of the time!)
2. Stop trying to convince her otherwise. Nothing good comes of this!
If you tell her that her beliefs are wrong, you are invalidating her--which just makes her more upset. "Proving" that she is wrong doesn't go well, does it? The acronym JADE will help you a lot.
Never Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. None of those will do any good at all, they just rile her up and make the fight worse.
If you don't examine the accusations closely, it is very easy to get "stuck" or "caught up" in needing to convince yourself and her that they aren't true... .if you realize deep down that they aren't true, it is easier to let go of the need to attempt the futile and counter-productive fight where you try to convince her!