We have been together a year and a half

[ThisIsMyOutlet]

I don't think that a single day has gone by where my BPD girlfriend of 1 and a half years has not had a complaint about some physical ailment.  At first (probably the first 4 months of our relationship) I would be completely sympathetic, and try to comfort her.  But now I just can't take the constant complaining.  To her credit, she still powers through her day, but even the little things, like waiting in line at a grocery store gives her a headache, or causes her to sigh in exacerbation.  Every damn day it's something. 

I typically get home from work an hour or so before she does, and as soon as she walks in the door, i'm hearing the agony of her pain because she had to deal with a crowded subway on the ride home.  Or her work day was rough.  Or she has a headache.  or her arm hurts, or her hip hurts, or the tip of her nose won't stop itching (yeah that was  a thing for about a week last summer).  It just never ends. 

I love her, and I want to make this work.  And I realize that her physical ailments are most likely just emotions that are manifesting as physical discomfort.  But I gotta say, it's become virtually impossible for me to hear her complain about something and not have my entire mood altered. 

We went to a museum a few months ago and we're walking around, having a good time.  Then I ask her if she wants to go grab something to eat at the museum cafeteria and immediately she starts complaining about how much her feet hurt from all the walking.  Ok I get it, we've been walking for a long time.  It would just be nice to hear instead of "my feet are killing me, i'm in so much pain," something like "oh great idea, it'll be good to sit down for a while."  Hell my feet hurt too.  I get it.  But I didn't complain about it.  What does she want me to do anyway?

She knows it bothers me, and I know she can't help it as it is probably part of her BPD.  But I guess what I'm asking for is suggestions on coping.  On the one hand, if I am totally sympathetic and "baby, what can I do for you," then I'm going to be waiting on her for the rest of my life.  On the other hand, if I ignore it, then I'll seem like a jerk.  I just don't know how to handle this anymore. 

Honestly, this is the girl that I want to marry, Everything about her, except the consistent complaints about physical pain is so amazing.  But this 1 thing really puts a strain on our relationship.  I just don't know how to handle it anymore.

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[Herodias]

First of all, you want to marry her... .so you need to accept that this is who she is and it is not going to change. My Mother is like this and it has been that way her whole life! She is now 70 and  is even worse with the "woe is me stuff"... .It is either wanting attention or she is really in pain... .Do you call her out on it? Do you say, oh, that's awful... .you need to see a doctor! Sometimes when you tell them that you are not a doctor and can't help her, she will stop complaining to you. Just like when someone threatens suicide all the time... .tell them you are not capable of helping them but you will call someone who will. That way if they really need help they will get it or if they are just asking for sympathy and attention, they will stop. It's worth a shot, not sure if it will help... .but if not, you need to accept this is who you are with and not complain about it yourself. Trust me, I get it- It is no fun at all. But it is your choice to be there... .The bad comes with the good. Be with someone that you can accept the bad that they have or you will go crazy trying to change or help them. You can not change someone ... .Hope it works out for you.

[teapay]

You'll find alot of folks on this site with partners who act similarly.  My W has been doing this kind of stuff our whole marriage.  There is some physical problem everyday.  I can't list all the things she has seen Dr for or been dx with, but will at least mention fibromyalgia, ibs, arthritis, muscle tightness, and hormonal problems which others people could probably identify with from their partners.  Most of it is very unspecific and Drs cant  figure it out.  Needless to say she is always on online medical sites and probably knows enough to be a primary care Dr at this point.

I take a middle of the road approach.  Acknowledge and then ignore.  Almost like saying God bless you after a sneeze.   I'll briefly say, "Okay" or "Sorry about that" and then just go about my business.  Takes about 2 seconds.  This gives alittle validation, but doesn't suck me in or coddle her.  I have been able to joke about it with her too.   Also, in the bigger scheme of my W problems, this issue is alittle fish, although annoying.

In the back of my mind I know alot of this is mental illness for her.  BPDs are often described as having a hypersensitivity to external stimuli, so maybe she feels little things more acutely or doesn't have the impluse control to handle with grace and fortitude.  I'll add she is kind of puzzled about it all too.  "What's a matter with me now?  It's always something?" She'll say.

At the end of the day, it probably won't go way and you'll need to find some way to deal with it.  Decreasing the relative size of the issue could help you more easily find other coping mechanisms.

[waverider]

I take a middle of the road approach.  Acknowledge and then ignore.  Almost like saying God bless you after a sneeze.   I'll briefly say, "Okay" or "Sorry about that" and then just go about my business.  Takes about 2 seconds.  This gives alittle validation, but doesn't suck me in or coddle her.  I have been able to joke about it with her too.   Also, in the bigger scheme of my W problems, this issue is alittle fish, although annoying.

Much the same here, it gives her space to vent this need without allowing it to then take on life by putting it center stage with too much validation. Doubt my wife can walk 50m without at least one 'ouch". I think it starts as an avenue to voice mental anguish as a physical one, then eventually just becomes a habit.

Ignoring it completely makes it worse, as does rushing to her aid. I almost treat it as though its a kind of tourettes syndrome. Sometimes i make light of it by saying "did those pesky air molecules bump into you again?"

[teapay]

Yes, I also look at the illness complaints, as well as other comments, jabs, general complaints, cusses or other implusive bursts, like tourettes.  They seem to be very reflexive.  Since they don't impact me or the kids greatly and/or don't last, I still look at them all like little fish.  Like a fart, the wind will carry them away shortly, so other than briefly acknowledging them, it is better not to feed more than that and to just move on with life.

Not judging is alittle tougher, but really my approach is the same.  It's not worth spending to much time and effort on.  Just move on.  Save energy for the more important stuff.  Things that impact the family negatively as a whole.

[ThisIsMyOutlet]

I think just hearing other people having the same issues with their significant others is relaxing.  In the past I have tried the kind of sort of acknowledge it & just move on with life type of tactic.  Frankly, while it works, I do worry that eventually she'll think of me as uncaring when I always just say "i'm sorry," but don't really sympathize with her or help her in any way.

[teapay]

She might start feeling that way and maybe start acting out against you as uncaring.  But that will be her way of trying to restore the dynamic of suckling you into that stuff.

There are times where my Ws  complaint is legitimate and I can validate that more deeply and build more emotional connection with her, but mostly who knows exactly what her problem is and I would likely have no power to remove it anyway. I kind of decided I'm not going there and she'll have to find some other way to cope rather than vampirically draining me lIke some kind of life force vampire.  For now I'm okay with our r/s not being 50/50, because I know she is mentally ill, but it is not going to be 100/0 or 80/20 or something I'm not comfortable with because in the end it will be naturally tenable.  It has to be workable for both of us or it probably should exist.