I think my husband is BPD and we are very near breaking point

[CrankyAngie]

 

I'm just looking for a bit of support and someone suggested this site. I've been married to my husband for 10 years. He had an affair 2 years ago while I was pregnant and carried it on when the baby was born. He now says he's sorry. He said he did it cos he was unhappy with all the arguments and had been for years. But he causes all the arguments cos he is so critical and judgemental and basically not very nice. And the arguments are just me defending myself. His sister has been BPD since 16 and has been sectioned several times (but she is lovely). His mum was also BPD and died when my DH was 15. He has never told me or admitted he is BPD but he has never been happy in all the time I've known him (since 2002). He is divorced with 2 other kids and hates his ex wife with a passion. Hes very critical of everyone and is very two faced. It makes me wonder what he says about me behind my back. I've found some awful stuff he's written about me but he says he was angry and didn't mean it. His dad was pretty horrible to him growing up (his dad isn't a nice man I've met him, very arrogant) DH does have some nice qualities but is very self absorbed. Doesn't seem to understand anyone else, has no empathy. Although he comes across as quite personable and friendly. I tried to help him for years with everything he was unhappy about but it was never enough and finally it seems he just turned it all on me! Me and the children moved out to put my son in a better school but I think he was actually just angling for us to move out cos he couldn't run his business properly from home. But after initially liking it now he says he's sad and lonely and misses us. He wants me to throw my arms around him and tell him I love him but how can I when he's behaved so badly. He's lied, cheated, lied and cheated more, and now wants me to love him. I don't know if I can. Sorry if this is a bit all over the place. Just trying to give a bit of background on the situation ... .Any advice welcome. X

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wanttoknowmore]

Good that you found these boards to understand and make sense of whats going on in your r/s.  Has your husband been officially diagnosed with BPD by a qualified mental health professional ?

Sometimes, the term BPD is thrown as a weapon to demean and put down a person who is just in a high conflict marriage.  Marriages are hard in this day and age... therefore 52% of marriages end up in divorce in U.S. Welcome... .with open mind on these boards as they contain a lot of tecniques and skills to make relationships better... .BPD or not.

Even BPD has many shades of grey... .very mild, mild,moderate, severe and extreme.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

With BPD all over your DH's family, and the behavior you've described, I think you can get a lot of help and support and tools for understanding here--whether he has BPD, or just traits, or old patterns and habits he was raised with.

It is normal and OK to feel all over the place at a time like this.   Can you answer a few more questions?

How long ago did you and your son move out? And how recently did he reach out for you?

What sort of contact have you had with him since then?

How are you feeling about living away from him?

[Lady Adur]

Hi,

My BPD boyfriend had an affair while I was pregnant. It lasted almost for the whole of the pregnancy and only ended because I told the other woman that he was still with me. At the time neither of us knew anything about BPD and the pain I went through trying to understand why he was doing what he was doing was unbearable. I can't forgive his actions without him showing some regret and he doesn't believe what he did was wrong however we are still together and managing to slowly move on. He has done his best to explain that he was scared of the effect the baby would have on our relationship, he thought we would split so he decided to get someone else so he wouldn't be alone. The relationship then got out of hand and he didn't feel he could end it. I do my best to understand his actions, knowing the way he views relationships.

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to tell you that I share your pain and confusion. It is a difficult situation to find yourself in.

[mommadoo2014]

I, too, think my husband may be BPD - but obtaining ANY diagnosis will not happen because mental health was a taboo subject in his family ("People in our family aren't crazy!" and he refuses to seek treatment of any sort.  I "found" BPD when I researched his behaviors.  Whether he actually IS BPD or not, I need to find ways to DEAL with his behaviors.  I have been steadily withdrawing into myself instead of finding proactive ways to deal with him, and that is not good.  His behaviors dictate our lives, and I'm tired of it.  He has alienated our daughter (24) and my kids (32 and 29) and most of the time, I feel my home is under siege.  I found a BPD workbook and am waiting its arrival - it's supposed to provide ways to deal with someone with BPD and I'm HOPING it will help.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome, mommadoo2014

The inability to talk about mental illness (and especially BPD) is pretty common... .and working around it is a normal issue that people have to deal with.

I have found that for me, reading about BPD and how the mental illness gives me good and useful understanding, even if I never mention it to the pwBPD in my life.

I've also found that dealing with specific BPD behaviors is possible, and better anyway. Even if you could talk about BPD or mental illness.

While you are waiting for your workbook, there is a lot of good stuff to read in the Lessons here (see sidebar link ---->>>>> A great deal of it is focused on specific behaviors and practical things you can do to improve the situation.