How not to loose yourself with a demanding BPD partner

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hi all,

I'm in a 7-year relationship with a partenr who has a diagnosed with BPD. After a long search for help we finally found a great therapy - learning the coping skills and mindfulness... .so, all those years there's been a focus on my partner and how to help her, understand her problems with anger management... .and so.

I've also been on one theraphy through these years and found out that I'm a great caretaker... .imagine the combination I've tried my best to please her and not to push a trigger but I'm afraid I kind of lost myself through this processes... .I can't really decide for myself what is important for me, what do I like and want... .how do i act... .and so forth. I've been 'corrected' so many times by my partner and exposed to her frustartions about my actions... .which I took personaly too many times... .

I have a feeling that I'm not myself anymore and there is a constant voice of my partner in my head - about what should I do and what I should not... .I even stopped bringing little gifts home and stopped suprising her... .I'm lost   and she complains... .and complains... .

Last time we hosted my parents (I moved 1000km away so I only see them once or twice per year) for 3 days at our place and I was a really nice host, all the focus on pleasing them... maybe too much, I admit - and she freaked out and had a break down... .and I tried to explain to her that I see my parents 2 times a year for 3-4 days and of course I want to fully focus on them... .anyways, she wanted more attention to her and now she calls my parents 'energy sucking vampires' - she got jelaous and I was a bad guy... .I was completely torn apart... .in my pleasing game... .and loosing myself  :'(

How do you cope with pleasing your BPD partenrs and loosing yourself. How do you set limits? And more importanly, how do you decide for yourselves? And what's going on when your BPD partenrs are too demaning and blame you for all teh bad feelings they go through?

THANK YOU

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[iluminati]

This is why boundaries are so important.  It looks like you've done a lot of people pleasing, so throwing up an array of boundaries immediately isn't going to be effective.  You'll have too much to defend, and your partner will (somewhat justifiably) wonder what the heck happened. 

What I would say is to find one or two things, make them sacrosanct, and go from there.  For example, I made my exercise time something that could not be infringed upon EVER.  My ex-wife knew that no matter what she thought, no matter how she dysregulated, it was happening, and she either had to cope or not.  From there, carve out more space.  Of course, you need to spend time together, but certain things should not happen EVER.

[sweetheart]

Hello weischna,

Learning to not loose yourself in a relationship with someone who has BPD as you are finding can be very difficult. When we do too much for someone else, when there are no limits, when our capacity for accommodating the needs of another negates our own wellbeing, we can make ourselves very ill indeed. This type of self sacrifice does not help improve or maintain our relationships.

I have included some links that I want to help you return your focus to you and your needs. I understand what it means to be a good caretaker too, but I have learnt that I still need to create a life for myself that is about me and for me. Without an identity this illness can consume who we are, so like you it becomes hard to remember what your wants and needs are. It will be important for you to redress the balance in your relationship by putting yourself first again.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

How do you feel about starting to redress the balance in your relationship? What might that look like over time?

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

This is why boundaries are so important.  It looks like you've done a lot of people pleasing, so throwing up an array of boundaries immediately isn't going to be effective.  You'll have too much to defend, and your partner will (somewhat justifiably) wonder what the heck happened. 

What I would say is to find one or two things, make them sacrosanct, and go from there.  For example, I made my exercise time something that could not be infringed upon EVER.  My ex-wife knew that no matter what she thought, no matter how she dysregulated, it was happening, and she either had to cope or not.  From there, carve out more space.  Of course, you need to spend time together, but certain things should not happen EVER.

Thanks Iluminati,

this sounds like a nice advice - I agree, setting boundaries right away and out of the blue would probably do more harm. So, maybe would it be wise to start from 'sacrosant tactic' and discuss that for example extreme shouting and yelling is out of the limit - that's the idea, right? But what then when she is raging and wants to punish me or revenge for something I've done - wouldn't she use this as a revenge - and cross the limit? How does that work in praxis?

For example, I have major problems with coping to stick to myself and not loose myself when she is raging (once per month). Then - the only solution for her is to replace me with another person coz she blames me for her pain and hurt feelings. I'm her enemy... .How do you communicate with your raging partners, when the crsis occur? What do you say? How can you keep rational and split her rage from her usual self. I just suck in all the negativity that she's expressing and as a result I'm in pain... .Im worried I might become sick... .Then again I try to concentrate on myself and meditate, go for a walk, get myself together and breathe again... .then I see things more clearly and I distance myself from blaming me for her negativity.

Another issue is pleasing her when we are on the usual terms (she not raging) - here I see myself I could develop myself much more and in the future work on my boundaries and consequently make ourselves independent. But again - how do you do this in practice? How do you talk to your BPD partner on this issue - without triggering rage?

Thanxxx 

[AfterTheRainComesSun]

Hello weischna,

Learning to not loose yourself in a relationship with someone who has BPD as you are finding can be very difficult. When we do too much for someone else, when there are no limits, when our capacity for accommodating the needs of another negates our own wellbeing, we can make ourselves very ill indeed. This type of self sacrifice does not help improve or maintain our relationships.

I have included some links that I want to help you return your focus to you and your needs. I understand what it means to be a good caretaker too, but I have learnt that I still need to create a life for myself that is about me and for me. Without an identity this illness can consume who we are, so like you it becomes hard to remember what your wants and needs are. It will be important for you to redress the balance in your relationship by putting yourself first again.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

How do you feel about starting to redress the balance in your relationship? What might that look like over time?

Thank you Sweetheart!

It looks like a lot of work... .I'am aware of that! I might look for some help on therapy in the future as well to be able to fully focus on these issues. What I've done up to now is stop thinking on the things she doesnt do for me, for example... .so, basically I started to be satisfied with the things as they are but keep on pleasing her... .but by doing this I only belittle my importance even more... .i'm afraid... .

On the other side, I satrted to work on my hobbies, indulge myself more in work and made some improvements... .so, I'm working on myself, but I'm afraid I don't share that much with her anymore... .I dont talk that much as she does about every little thing that affects her in a bad way... .or in a good way... .So, I stopped competing with her that I also need to talk about myself that much - coz I might not need to talk that much and make everything so important... .or worth such big focus. Is that wrong?