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Author Topic: Still struggling with time to myself  (Read 924 times)
an0ught
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« Reply #30 on: March 28, 2016, 01:11:24 PM »

Hi globalnormad,

I have tried probing deeper to figure out what the underlying anxiety is, but this usually triggers extreme rage or defensiveness. It seems to me to be triggering a very intense abandonment fear.

this is trying to solve her problem. Generally a pretty hard undertaking. Possibly impossible as her tendency for b&w thinking can turn anything as a seed for becoming anxious. Fortunately for validation to work it is enough to draw attention to the emotion. Her anxiety is not the problem - it is natural to be anxious and worry about others (which also is a reason to stay away from problem solving away her anxiety - likely invalidating). The problem is the uncontrolled anxiety taking over her mind.

This is a tough boundary problem and and be reduced by a thousand cuts. A lot of soothing salve is needed in the long process for both sides. But it is entirely doable and my experience echos waveriders to a large extent.
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waverider
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« Reply #31 on: March 28, 2016, 04:15:25 PM »

As a result, I ocasionally hide little inconsequential things like this. If she finds out it is world war three. Living in constant fear like this is obviously not a healthy or sustainable dynamic.

The problem is even though you know it is wrong you have been conditioned to think its reasonable to a degree, and if only you keep the peace this time it will be Ok next time. It is not until you are out of this loop that you can look back and see how did I allow my rights to be me get taken away like this. Incremental steps are not just necessary for your partners acceptance but also for your own. If you went for the extreme opposite you would truly feel guilty. You have lost that inner sense of 'normality' and it takes a long time to get it back.

The irony is that pwBPD do not respect people they can push around as they cannot provide the stable backbone that they lack themselves.

To trust someone that person needs to demonstrate they are not easily bent. To use an analogy would you trust a crutch that bends when you lean on it to test it? pwBPD distrust and test everything.
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« Reply #32 on: March 29, 2016, 05:22:13 AM »

I have tried probing deeper to figure out what the underlying anxiety is, but this usually triggers extreme rage or defensiveness. It seems to me to be triggering a very intense abandonment fear.

That's your answer.  She clearly has some issues with abandonment.  Now, the next question is where did she get this fear from.  The more specific you can get, the better you can deal with it and move on how you see fit.
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globalnomad
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« Reply #33 on: March 29, 2016, 11:13:13 AM »

The problem is even though you know it is wrong you have been conditioned to think its reasonable to a degree, and if only you keep the peace this time it will be Ok next time. It is not until you are out of this loop that you can look back and see how did I allow my rights to be me get taken away like this. Incremental steps are not just necessary for your partners acceptance but also for your own. If you went for the extreme opposite you would truly feel guilty. You have lost that inner sense of 'normality' and it takes a long time to get it back.

The irony is that pwBPD do not respect people they can push around as they cannot provide the stable backbone that they lack themselves.

To trust someone that person needs to demonstrate they are not easily bent. To use an analogy would you trust a crutch that bends when you lean on it to test it? pwBPD distrust and test everything.

Thankyou waverider, this makes a lot of sense to me. It is the slowly creeping nature of the violations that concerns me -- after a while you start to question your own sanity. Certain "rights" I used to take for granted have gradually been taken away, and I now need to start the process of gradually reclaiming them. Lots to ponder here... .
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globalnomad
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« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2016, 11:14:47 AM »

I have tried probing deeper to figure out what the underlying anxiety is, but this usually triggers extreme rage or defensiveness. It seems to me to be triggering a very intense abandonment fear.

That's your answer.  She clearly has some issues with abandonment.  Now, the next question is where did she get this fear from.  The more specific you can get, the better you can deal with it and move on how you see fit.

Illuminati, perhaps I am misunderstanding but isn't this something she really needs to explore with a therapist? Can anything good come from me trying to get to the bottom of her abandonment issues?
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« Reply #35 on: March 29, 2016, 11:29:08 AM »

isn't this something she really needs to explore with a therapist? Can anything good come from me trying to get to the bottom of her abandonment issues?

Yes, a therapist would help her with this.

Yes, far better with her therapist than with you. I remember the thought: I cannot be both your husband and your therapist at the same time, and I want to be your husband.

Lastly, what you *CAN* do is to stop reacting to her abandonment fears and issues. If you get too triggered/flooded/upset by her feelings here, she is distracted from her core issues by having conflict and drama with you. So by keeping yourself calm and centered, you at least leave her issues there for her to look at, which is her first step--If she is too distracted to even see her issues, she will never deal with them.
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globalnomad
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« Reply #36 on: March 29, 2016, 02:21:58 PM »

Lastly, what you *CAN* do is to stop reacting to her abandonment fears and issues. If you get too triggered/flooded/upset by her feelings here, she is distracted from her core issues by having conflict and drama with you. So by keeping yourself calm and centered, you at least leave her issues there for her to look at, which is her first step--If she is too distracted to even see her issues, she will never deal with them.

Thankyou Grey Kitty. This is the tough part. I have a predisposition to anxiety myself, and tend to get easily flooded when she is dysregulating and blaming me unfairly. I would love to be more zen in these situations. It's something to work on for sure.
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an0ught
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« Reply #37 on: March 29, 2016, 03:54:55 PM »

Lastly, what you *CAN* do is to stop reacting to her abandonment fears and issues. If you get too triggered/flooded/upset by her feelings here, she is distracted from her core issues by having conflict and drama with you. So by keeping yourself calm and centered, you at least leave her issues there for her to look at, which is her first step--If she is too distracted to even see her issues, she will never deal with them.

Thankyou Grey Kitty. This is the tough part. I have a predisposition to anxiety myself, and tend to get easily flooded when she is dysregulating and blaming me unfairly. I would love to be more zen in these situations. It's something to work on for sure.

Well, I think it will be hard for a long while to stop oneself reacting. That can't be realistic goal and is de-facto self invalidation. It is more about recognizing and managing your reaction. Self validation to manage over-reaction.

Also keep in mind that while you want to manage and maintain some inner balance she may require you to validate abandonment. A Zen like reaction may very well provoke escalation since obviously you did not get how bad it is for her... .
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #38 on: March 29, 2016, 04:14:21 PM »

Thankyou Grey Kitty. This is the tough part. I have a predisposition to anxiety myself, and tend to get easily flooded when she is dysregulating and blaming me unfairly. I would love to be more zen in these situations. It's something to work on for sure.

Nope, it isn't easy. And here the expression "Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse" comes in.

When she's dysregulated and blaming you unfairly, you may not be able to deal with it constructively--that is incredibly hard!

Start smaller. Start by recognizing that she's getting dysregulated and/or you are getting triggered and flooded. And remove yourself.

Chances are if you are triggered and flooded, your capacity to make things better is zero. Use whatever reserves you've got left to get yourself out before you make things any worse.

Consider it a victory every time you manage that much... .which it will be--you can bet that she's going to be pushing your buttons and trying to keep you engaged at that time.
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waverider
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« Reply #39 on: March 29, 2016, 05:35:29 PM »

 Not reacting and reestablishing a sense of self assurance develop hand in hand. sayiong no is one thing, but feeling ok about doing so is another. But you have to star somewhere.

GKs point about not being a partner and a therapist is good. You can end up getting into the patient carer dynamic to the point that intimacy and over affection actually feels inappropriate. even in milder cases it can be perceived as 'controlling' as you try to hurry things along.

You are your own carer, and a supporter for your partner.
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« Reply #40 on: April 01, 2016, 08:10:38 AM »

Sounds like your wife really is afraid you will find someone or something more important than her. That's a pretty terrible feeling. And if you have BPD that feeling is 100times more intense.

As hard as it is, it's really important that you understand her pain. I know it's annoying but she has a mental illness that is debilitating.

So learning to validate empathize and listen to her first will greatly help to ease her fears. And will possibly help you to be able to get some alone time without a huge emotional episode.

Here's a great video on active listening

https://youtu.be/FEvldkFkgsc

And here's a great video on validation from someone with BPD

https://youtu.be/DABarBuR2K4

And this is some fantastic research about empathy from Brene Brown. She had a PhD in this stuff!

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

I know you love your wife very much... you just need a break sometimes. I'm sure. Self care is so important. Eat right sleep right exercise and pray! oh and give up alcohol tabacco cafeene etc. ... be sober. Your gonna need all the mental and emotional strength you can muster when dealing with BPD.

Blessings to you

Peace!

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