Committed to staying against all advice

[Lady Adur]

I am a new member and I am reaching out for some support because everyone I know tells me to leave my BPD boyfriend but they don't understand the condition. They all just see the abusive side and read the negative stuff on the internet about BPD relationships. My friends and family think I am being taken for a ride and are angry that as a strong independent woman I would stay in a relationship where I am subjected to bad treatment and rages.

My story is that I met my boyfriend three years ago. He was and is the most amazing person I have ever met - intelligent, charming, witty and kind. We had a fantastic two years together before deciding to buy a house together and have a baby. I knew he had suffered bullying as a child and there had been a suicide attempt, I also knew he had some deep rooted emotional issues but neither he nor I realised he had a PD. When I was 8 weeks pregnant we had an argument about the house we were buying and his behaviour began to strike me as odd. He started to expect me to know what he was thinking and raged at me when I didn't. He suddenly seemed to lack any empathy with how I was feeling and he stopped talking to me. Out of the blue he left me. Then followed 7 extremely dark and painful months. He had relationships with other women but repeatedly told me that he would kill himself if I didn't maintain a relationship with him. He told me I hated him and that it would've my fault if our baby never knew him. He hurt me and screamed at me if I didn't do what he wanted. One night after after an argument he sent me photos of him self harming and he stabbed his mattress with a carving knife. I had no one to turn to, nobody understood.

Thankfully my boyfriend started to see that he had a very serious problem. We went to the doctor who referred him to a Personality Disorder Institute. We are still waiting for a diagnosis to be officially made but when I read the symptoms it fits him exactly and he says that the accounts of people with BPD are exactly how he feels. The fear of abandonment is extremely intense for him.

Our baby was born two weeks ago and he has done his best to be here to support us. He is a great dad. He says he wants to get better and be a family but at the moment he cannot guarantee he can stay as he is too frightened. He says he loves me but that he doesn't have the ability to deal with my emotions when his own are so volatile.

I am terrified of him leaving me and of living in a relationship where my own needs have to be put to one side. I love this man and I want it to work. Am I being naive or is there a chance of happiness if we can get help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NotThatGuy]

That sounds like a really awful situation-- pregnancy and having a new baby are hard enough without the stress of a decompensated BPD partner.  And, of course, pregnancy and a new baby are enough stress to bring out the bad coping strategies in most people. 

I don't have much hopeful advice to offer you.  In my experience, coparenting even with a fairly high-functioning BP who's in therapy and committed to recovery is very difficult.  I've found that, while I'm focusing on my kids' needs, my wife expects me to be focused primarily on hers.  She sees the kids as vehicles for getting her own needs met, rather than as separate individuals to whom she has a responsibility.  Negotiating boundaries around parenting and household tasks has so far been impossible.  The practicalities of day-to-day life are a continual struggle. 

I've found that things go best when I give up any attachment to what my wife says and does, and focus instead on what I can do to make the situation better.  I can't control what she does, but I can control how I respond to it. I can't make her do the things that most people would think needed to be done to keep the household running, but I can look for other ways to get those same things done.  I can't usually work with her, but I can work around her. 

The thing that worries me the most about your situation is the possibility of violence.  You say he's abusive, that he hurt you, and that he stabbed his mattress with a carving knife.  That's pretty extreme, even for someone self-harming.  Violence tends to escalate-- veiled threats become open threats, become minor assaults, become major assaults. . . Therapy usually doesn't change this trajectory.  For your own sake, and the sake of your baby, you need to put safety first.  If there's a chance he could physically harm you, please make a safety plan to get yourself and the little one out.  Sometimes, your ability to stay in a relationship depends on your willingness to leave it.

You and your child certainly have every chance of happiness, especially if you get help. Whether he has a chance of happiness, and whether you can be happy with him, is largely up to him.  You can only take responsibility for your own part-- you can't do his part, too. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, there is hope.

Many members have found ways to reduce the conflict with a pwBPD, and improve their relationship. You can, and the members here can help you do exactly that.

You mention violence on his part and that is very concerning.

Talking about suicide or attempting suicide on his part is more serious. Self-injury or self-harm in many cases is NOT a suicide attempt, but an entirely different animal. It is a coping mechanism, and even if it is a poor one, it isn't the same level of concern.

If he has been violent toward you, that is even more worrisome.

Please make sure that you and your child (and him) are safe. Please read this link, and make good plans.

Safety First

Once you have safety covered lets try to make your relationship better.

[Lady Adur]

Thank you both for your advice and concern. I am not in danger, my boyfriend lashes out when in a rage but it is relatively mild and does not seem to be escalating. If it did I would move out and go to live with my parents. My children never see his BPD side, as I said he is a very good father.

I think I am usually strong enough to deal with the BPD but now I have a small baby and a 4 year old to look after I am really struggling with not having a partner who is able to support me. I find it hard not to hold it against him or have a victim mentality. I know he will leave if I do not hold everything together.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm relieved that you aren't in any danger.

Your situation still sounds difficult and stressful. It is very hard to hold everything together, especially when you feel like he's working against you there.

How are you doing now?

Can you describe anything specific in how you and your boyfriend are interacting where we can help you deal with it better?

[adaw]

we are rowing the same type of boat except i had to deal with a few violent incidents. i realized they are quite capable during episodes to recall the facts. so i told my BPD girlfriend, i will not think twice to have her arrested and committed for her own good if she ever raise a hand against me again. after that the violence ended ( ididn't think it would help, but strange things happen) my greatest concern is for the child. if i see how damaged and broken her two daughters are (she didn't get any treatment), i do hope your man finds the courage to go through it. i still stick with her and when she tells me how much she hates me i make her a cup of tea and prepare lunch as if she didnt say a word.

i have this group and a personal support to carry me in dark times. she finally admitted that she cannot use alcohol anymore, maybe soon she will see that drugs and gambling won't help either. i am grateful for this group. their ears, their support and their stories of hope.

i know i sketch a bleak picture, but im standing by my goddess no matter what she does. i am not ashamed to admit that she pushes me too far sometimes and then i do give her a piece of my mind, but the fact that i won't let her destroy her, is my greatest weapon. we are here for you. with the right therapy and treatment he can be the brilliant person you see.

[an0ught]

Hi Lady Adur,

sound advice by others. It is really difficult to give advice here. You are 3 years together and share a child. That is a strong connection but not really long. There were other women in between which is somehow an alarm sign but then he continued to be attached to you as well during the time so again: who knows.

Boundaries are really important in a relationship with a pwBPD so please do your homework and protect your independence. Your ability to walk may very well determine your ability to stay connected. Yet another BPD paradox  

Targeted treatment can be very effective in case of BPD but it will take time to take hold. Treatment particularly at the beginning can be emotionally confusing and triggering too so any short term improvements rely on you:

- avoiding invalidation where reasonable

- validate where you can, use SET where possible

- protect your boundaries consistently

The board can help you building up these skills (see also LESSONS and workshops).

,

a0

[Bpdsupporter]

I'm rooting for you. Stay healthy mentally and emotionally. Your gonna need it. You will have to be an emotional caretaker so self care is important. Learn empathy how to validate and active listening skills. These have to be second nature for you. All in all you have to equip yourself. It's not an easy road but I see you guys have alot of love. Learn all you can about BPD there's and get a spiritual foundation for sure. Have someone you can talk to about your emotional needs. He might not be equipped to really be there for you sometimes. That's why I pray cause God hears me. Also stay healthy eat a diet (both of y'all) that promotes mental health. Research and practice empathy and validation and just know the road will be rough at times but you can make it work. Congratulations on the new baby and blessings to you!