She's at it again, back to cheating

[Lostindirt]

Things had been really good lately my UBPD GF got on Prozac and this has increased her mood significantly. She got into a dental program to get some obvious cavities repaired, that have given her a lot of self-esteem issues. She had agreed to go see a counselor,  yet again,  but for some reason,  I thought this time she actually was going to do it.

Then last Thursday, about a week after the counseling appointment was set, she revealed to me that she was talking to someone she had a brief romantic connection with in the past and that she intended to cheat on me. I've made it very clear in the past that if she cheated on me again this would end our relationship . In the past she has had brief affairs, and on one of these brought home a venereal disease which we both now share (nothing serious as these things go). I reminded her of this boundary (ending the relationship) and let her know that this time was no different. She continues to be adamant that she's going to do this. She has nowhere to go, except with her new boyfriend, who she tells me she has NOT told that she will lose her place to live. Or to go to her family of origin where all of the abuse, that helped make her this way happened.  This all or nothing proposition compromises my ability to keep my boundaries. My counselor said it shouldn't but my head always goes to all of the things that could become of her, the cause of all her issues (childhood abuse),  and her learned helplessness. She's been unable to work due to her anxiety and depression. 

She continues to tell me and told the counselor that she doesn't want to lose me,  but states that she is driven by her "darkside" to engage in this behavior.

We went to see the counselor today and although I feel like the counselor got through a little bit after discussing some of these issues, including her urge to cheat on me,  we got home and she's still adamant that she's going to do it... a piece of me wants to ignore the situation and get her to the next counseling session which she said she wanted to go to and if she doesn't go to that session then enforce that boundary hard and terminate our relationship. Another piece of me wants to take my counselors advice and tell her, if she leaves Friday, with that other man, then to go ahead, take a bag and stay with him.

If she had refused counseling today I would have ended it two hours ago. I'm very conflicted and just don't know what to do. Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lostindirt]

Addendum: I returned home after writing this and she had disclosed to this new "boyfriend"  that if they consummated their affair he would have to take her in because I would be breaking up with her... .And... .he said 'no'  Much sobbing (on her part I assume due to the feelings of rejection) later I'm feeling like a consolation prize,  and hoping I didn't just teach her to lie to me by standing up for myself.  Thoughts?

[lbjnltx]

Hello Lostindirt,

So sorry that you are in this position.  It would be really, really difficult to not personalize her desires to be with someone else... .though I struggle to see how this is in anyway about you. 

The positive I see... .you are working through your feelings... .here with us.  You are not taking definitive steps at this time (don't make major decisions in the valleys or on the mountain tops) and she made a wise mind choice. 

She actually looked at the possible consequences of choosing to go be with this guy and decided it wasn't a good choice (she could have gone back to her FOO).  That is a positive... .though making this choice for the reasons she did is very painful for you.

I think you are on the right track with counseling. How often does she go and have the sessions all been attended together in the past?  Perhaps time for her to go in alone with the T to begin to work through what needs she is trying to meet through relationships/sex with others.

Having very clear boundaries is vital for self preservation.  Healthy people have boundaries.  You set it clearly and told her the consequence of breaking it.  If others try to circumvent or bust our boundaries ... .that is beyond our power to control. Our job is to hold fast to our value based boundaries and defend them.

lbj

[waverider]

It is up to you keep it simple. The boundary is yours, how and whether she complies is hers to sort out. The "ifs', "buts', "what ifs' and 'maybes' are the endless thought processes of pwBPD. If you join in that aspect you will destabilize her more.

For her to come through this she needs you to be simple, clear and stable. It is important for your mental well being also.

The reasons she states for doing whatever she does will be messed up and probably not the real reason. She doesn't even know the real reasons herself, that is why she has no real regulation on these things. Most of what she does is impulsive and reactionary to subconscious motivators. Your best guess would be just that, a guess.

The end result that affects you can be defined by your values. This is why boundaries are so important.

[senegal_7]

Yes! What waverider said! Be consistent - that's something she's probably never had before (or if she had it, she threw it away).

I would add that she's testing you. She's trying to see just how far she can push you until you leave, validating her feelings of worthlessness (the only consistent belief she has). Her tears (again, my guess) are the result of confusion and/or emotional overload. You didn't end your relationship with her, the sleezeball didn't help her achieve her self-destructive plan, and she's still with a person that she feels she doesn't deserve. She knows she has a good thing, she knows she doesn't know how to handle it, she knows she'll screw everything up... .she may as well do it on her terms rather than by accident. Better to ruin a good thing than to fully commit to it and risk getting hurt, better to be the one who ends things than the one who gets dumped... .Isn't the logic of PD beautiful? And utterly tragic?

By no means am I encouraging you to bend your boundaries for her. Again - consistency is so important. If you make a promise - even a promise to end things - you need to keep that promise. It might hurt, but it'll (hopefully) be best for both of you. You can maintain your self-respect & mental well-being. She might just get the wake-up call she needs to really turn her life around (even if that life isn't with you). But maybe, with therapy, she won't feel the need to test you again.

I'm really sorry that anyone ever has to experience this - to say that it's "no fun" is a gross understatement... .You have all my best wishes (& a lot of respect for sticking with her - I don't think I could do that.) Good luck!

[iluminati]

You did a great job there.  You had a clear boundary (if she cheats, you leave), made clear attempts to enforce it if needed, and then she had to decide if cheating was worth the consequence.  This may or may not stop her from cheating, but now she knows exactly what to expect from you.  Good job!

[Bpdsupporter]

Oh the perils of our BPDs. My BPD cheated on me a few times. And the hardest thing I had to do was try to empathize and validate such betrayal. Empathy and validation does not mean agreeing to this behavior it just means trying to validate their pain. It's just that Bpds experience pain way worst than we do and they make impulsuve and hurtful decisions unfortunately because of it.

So if you want to stay with your BPD and work it out your gonna have to learn how to empathize and validate her. This is going to be impossible to do if you aren't taken care of though. Your emotional and mental health have to be healed. I pray... that helps me the most. Without a spiritual foundation a healthy relationship with a BPD will be challenging. Also living a healthy life no drugs or alcohol exercise eating foods that promote mental health. And supplements that help with anxiety like inositol(vitimin b8) will help you.

I can't stress enough how important it is that you take care of yourself and your well being first. Learn empathy and validation and active listening skills.

Our Bpds need loads and loads of this. If you feel you can't do any of this or your fed up with trying it's uderstandable. But my relationship with my BPD has improved so much. It will always be a battle so learn and practice these skills. They work. Good luck!