lost all hope----not yet ~

[BlueKnight]

You see yourself differently when you see yourself on paper. I have been married to a women for 11 years who I now believe to have BPD/Narcissism/hostile-aggressive and deceitful behavior/gas lighting. She is all these things. You think that you can love someone to being healthy. If you could just find that perfect combination that will make everything alright. I have listened to her tell me that she wanted to die time after time again and have tried to convince her that life has so much to offer. I had lost myself, my family could not come over. As per her they hated her. I had lost what friends that I had. I started to see a therapist because I thought that I was losing my mind. I was trying to find some way to make things better. I ask my wife to come to a session with me, after raging for almost a full 45 minutes the therapist was  so beside herself that she said her could no longer help me as long as I was with her, she ask us to leave. We left her crying. I have read what others here have said and find myself here also. I have started to have anxiety attacks and other health problems. I have cried so much over what could have been and will now I know will never be. I have come so far from contemplating killing myself because I was in such a dark place. I don't know if I would have made another year if I had not found this site. I have understanding now that I have never had befor. I have had to look inside myself and realize that I am not the person I always believed that I was. I believe if you loved before all other things that there was nothing that you could not fix and it's just not so. I weep for others who are going thru the same things as I am. I don't think that I am strong enough of a person to hold myself together to help my wife to get to the point that she seeks help for herself. She deserves to be happy. We all do.     

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello BlueKnight,

That sounds pretty bad if your wife made the counselor cry. What do you mean when you say that your wife deserves to be happy? Are you still living together?

Turkish

[whirlpoollife]

Do you have children together?  Are you contemplating divorce?

My xh  had me feeling so ashamed and low that many times I wished I didn't wake up.  Now divorced, I do not have any wishful sducidal thoughts.  Your wife caused them in you as my xh did to me.

Saying your wife deserves to be happy confuses me too.   Her happiness has been in abusing you and it will continue.  Sadly these PD's don't change.  So if there is change , it needs to come from you to give yourself a life you deserve. A life out of FOG... .fear , obligation, guilt.

Please keep posting, ask questions .

[BlueKnight]

Yes we are still together and no we have no children together. I cry all the time and don't know (but do) if that makes sense. I am contemplating divorce. I am trying to work thru all of these FOG, fear, guilt. I sometimes feel that there is someone inside of me that is screaming run.  She is sick and so am I. Please don't take it that I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't. I have a part in this also----I'm still there. Right now it's nice and am just waiting for the shoe to drop. I have had to takes steps to protect my son who has Asperger's, who used to live with us. He trust me to do right by him and not put him in a bad place or out in the street as my wife has told me he needs to be. I ride a roller coaster at times of emotions. Because of this site I have been (or starting to be) able to stand back and look at myself in a strange light. Sometimes it's like looking at someone else and thinking is that really me. I am trying to put her in a safe place so that I can walk away. She deserves to be happy, will she be? No. I am starting to notice a change in me that is strange in the sense that I am starting to become less of a person if that makes sense. I have always been a glass is always full person and for the most part still am. Sorry I'm jumping around. Man the first post was hard to do and this is kind of freaking me out. I feel like someone is trying to crawl out of my skin.

[Cloudy Days]

I think for the most part, with me at least. Nothing really changes until you hit rock bottom and you realize that you don't want this life anymore. You don't want this life to the point that you are willing to change something. Weather it is changing your behavior so that you can step away from your wife's abuse or whether you step away from your wife completely. I suggest you keep seeing a therapist, if you plan to stay maybe not sticking with the one that quit on you. My husband has had therapists that he didn't like and his current therapist he really trusts, he sees her as a friend. I'm a bit shocked she quit on you since you are her patient, she was not.

I'm not sure of what your dynamic is with your wife but a book that really helped me see my flaws in my relationship was "Codependent No more". Yes it talks about drug abuse but codependency exists in any toxic relationship. I saw myself in a new light and I was shocked by it. It made me want to change. I think once you understand your part in the toxic relationship you can start to change things. You are on the right path to being happy.

One thing you may need to accept is that your wife may never be happy and it is not your responsibility to make her happy. You are only responsible for your own happiness. That was a very important thing for me to learn. I spent a lot of time and energy trying to make my husband happy, but he never was. I truly think once I stopped doing those behaviors, things got better. With therapy he has learned how to self sooth instead of relying on me to sooth him.

[BlueKnight]

Yes we are still together and no we have no children together. I cry all the time and don't know (but do) if that makes sense. I am contemplating divorce. I am trying to work thru all of these FOG, fear, guilt. I sometimes feel that there is someone inside of me that is screaming run.  She is sick and so am I. Please don't take it that I am feeling sorry for myself, I don't. I have a part in this also----I'm still there. Right now it's nice and am just waiting for the shoe to drop. I have had to takes steps to protect my son who has Asperger's, who used to live with us. He trust me to do right by him and not put him in a bad place or out in the street as my wife has told me he needs to be. I ride a roller coaster at times of emotions. Because of this site I have been (or starting to be) able to stand back and look at myself in a strange light. Sometimes it's like looking at someone else and thinking is that really me. I am trying to put her in a safe place so that I can walk away. She deserves to be happy, will she be? No. I am starting to notice a change in me that is strange in the sense that I am starting to become less of a person if that makes sense. I have always been a glass is always full person and for the most part still am. Sorry I'm jumping around. Man the first post was hard to do and this is kind of freaking me out. I feel like someone is trying to crawl out of my skin.