a small victory

[adaw]

when i discovered my beloved has BPD i had to make choice. pack up and call it quits or stand by her through the chaos. my conviction was easy. would i have left if she had cancer, in a wheelchair or any other condition? no. so she let a stream of insults, accusations and curses flow. i just listened. when she went to bed i gave her some time, went to the room, took her in my arms and kissed her and held her. i will never let you go. i will always be there for you. she started crying. why can't you hate me as much as i hate you? she asked. because you love me i answered and if i leave you because you are ill then i am not a man. she looked at me in disbelief i am sorry, she cried. no you are not but it is ok. i understand what you are experiencing. you will be always be my goddess.

i have chosen the hard road of living with her condition and keep journal of all her behavior and started to see a pattern. the facial expressions that warns me there is an episode coming. the behavioral traits etc.

my advice is simple keep track of episodes and behaviors. it aggravates them that they cannot hurt you but it gives them a sense of stability knowing that no matter what they have a loving caring partner that doesn't judge them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello adaw,

I am so touched by your post.  It strongly reminds me of the advice I got early on regarding my relationship with my daughter.  The chaos and pain were so large and most people didn't know what to say to me except one.  She said "Love her through it all." My daughter was young and we had many years to get through before she would become an adult.

At the time I thought... .wow... she just doesn't get it. Now,  having years behind us of treatment, relationship building, and coping through tragedy, I realize it was the best advice I could have gotten.  If we are committed to the relationship, be it a spouse or a child, it only makes sense to go all in.  It only makes sense to do everything within our power to improve the relationship.

While we can't heal another, we can heal ourselves.  When 50% of the relationship partners change, the relationship changes.  It takes a great deal of skill to remain standing during the storm, it takes a great deal of maturity to do it with love.

Grace wins every time.

lbj

[an0ught]

Hi adaw,

i have chosen the hard road of living with her condition and keep journal of all her behavior and started to see a pattern. the facial expressions that warns me there is an episode coming. the behavioral traits etc.

my advice is simple keep track of episodes and behaviors. it aggravates them that they cannot hurt you but it gives them a sense of stability knowing that no matter what they have a loving caring partner that doesn't judge them.

it is good to maintain a journal  . Writing helps you emotionally processing and also to see patterns. I do however have to warn you: Trying not to be affected by outrageous behavior is not sustainable. In the end it will wear you down unless you start protecting yourself with boundaries and use validation to deal with the negative emotions (which at times requires to call a spade a spade). Once you are worn down you will make mistakes and her game starts working. The game being making other upset so her pain becomes more bearable.

You may consider yourself manly and strong - and I wish you all the best staying that way. But please realize that "it aggravates them that they can not hurt you" means she if frustrated and invalidated (also note the key driver for BPD: Invalidation). I call this approach emotional stonewalling - some try to be stoic some like you try to do it friendly/loving. There is a plus side - the pwBPD does not get an emotional reaction and thus is discouraged from further game playing. But she is in a relationship with you and will try again and again likely in an escalating manner. And she is already quite far on that scale:

i made the same mistake and almost got stabbed, my saving grace was that i moved quickly and disarmed her. the neighbors called the police, and she claimed i tried to kill her. be careful of what you say

Keep in mind that reactivity is something that makes relationship work. Stonewalling is corrosive.

I'm all with lbjnltx admiring your commitment. But don't underestimate BPD. BPD has a way to turn our strength against ourselves without a clear plan. You need commitment and skills.