Struggling with relationship tests

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

Do your partners given you tests in the relationship? Things that will prove your love/trustworthiness to them? If so, how do you deal with them?

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[JohnLove]

When you have to "prove" yourself to someone... .that is the time to walk away.

[Narkiss]

Hi KC. I'm pretty sure he did. I know he did to others. He was interviewing all over the country for a job and sometimes said something so obnoxious or contemptuous during an interview that I would be stunned. I finally asked him why he was shooting himself in the foot and he said he was testing them to see if they would still want and accept him no matter how he behaved! I think also, to be honest, the stress of the interview and power imbalance also dysregulated him. He would be asked a stupid question or would feel that a prospective supervisor was unworthy of his position -- and sometimes he was right... .

[waverider]

Hi KC. I'm pretty sure he did. I know he did to others. He was interviewing all over the country for a job and sometimes said something so obnoxious or contemptuous during an interview that I would be stunned. I finally asked him why he was shooting himself in the foot and he said he was testing them to see if they would still want and accept him no matter how he behaved! I think also, to be honest, the stress of the interview and power imbalance also dysregulated him. He would be asked a stupid question or would feel that a prospective supervisor was unworthy of his position -- and sometimes he was right... .

I think often they simply just "put their foot in their mouth", then afterwards try to pass it off as deliberate rather than admit they stuffed up.

Same with most "testing' i dont think it is premeditated, challenging is just something they naturally do. Boundary crossing is the norm, mainly because they do not really understand boundaries. Neither yours nor their own.

[Jazzy]

Mine asked me to go with him on a holiday on the very days that he KNEW I had important meetings. When I told him I could not get out of the meetings he said"  I asked even though I knew perfectly well  your answer would be no ."  Later I figured out it was almost as if he was justifying to himself why he had replaced me though I did not know about it till a couple of months later.

[Bpdsupporter]

Oh yes dear someone with BPD is definitely gonna test you. I've been dealing with the same issues for about a year with my BPD partner. It use to frustrate the hell out of me. And this frustration just reinforce d the very thing he was afraid of. I made a lot of mistakes. But I just was so crushed and didn't know what to do but they were mistakes. The biggest mistake was I never validated his feelings the first time he brought them up. I always thought he was crazzzy and abusive and controlling. And rightly so. But all of those surface actions were masking some one who wasn't being heard so people with BPD will get louder and more destructuve sad depressed emotional angry just to stop the pain. They will test you because they really can't believe that anyone could possibly really love them. That break s my heart!

Behind all the tantrums mind tricks and bad behavior is actually a very hurt and sad person. Most people with BPD are not trying to deliberately hurt anyone. They hate themselves so much and feel unheard and unloved. Unfortunately it leads to really destructive behavior.

So what do you do?

You have to change. You have to learn empathy compassion validation learn how to listen. Make sure you stay healthy mentally emotionally physically spirituality. You have to learn how to regulate your emotions. And accept the fact that you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally handicap in a sense.

It's hard hard work. If your not capable to change its completely understandable. If the relationship is causing you too much pain by all means take care of you first!

Research all you can on Bpd. And get a prayer life. Your not going to be able to do any of this without God. I can't emphasis this enough. Prayer helps you learn empathy. It's hard to hold resentment in your heart for people when you pray for them. Prayer helps you learn forgiveness. Forgiveness is soo healing. Your gonna be doing alot of that in your relationship. It's empowering to me. I consider my relationship with my BPD mate a blessing because I'm forced to learn empathy, compassion, validation, listening skills. Dealing with him led to me getting my health together and quit doing drugs. All because I have to be mentally on point to deal with the trials and fears of someone with a debilitating mental illness.

It's not easy but ever since I've made changes. We have less and less crazy episodes. Hes more calm and is making really great decisions lately on his own! That's the power of God too.

When they test you with empathy validation and listening skills you can come along side them and support them if you choose too. Or you could get angry sad hurt depressed and judge and humiliate them. The latter isn't good for either of y'all.

Do your research on developing these skills they are essential. A great book I read was " loving someone with borderline personality disorder " by Shari Manning. She gives really great tools hope and encouragement on understanding BPD.

Blessings and peace to you!

[waverider]

You have to change. You have to learn empathy compassion validation learn how to listen.

The more you practice this the more natural it becomes. It is important that it becomes part of your personality as a whole rather than just an approach towards your pwBPD. The reason why it needs to be a natural change in you is you need to subconsciously pick up on these sparks and not skip past them. eg

pwBPD:" I cant fix this, i am just useless i cant do anything right"

Typical non response(meaning well): "Thats nonsense of course you" can<<<<WRONG you have just told them they are wrong and skipped right over their feeling of hopelessness.

pwBPD : (They're not listening to me, so I'll force it) "What do you know you haven't had to put up with XX"

non (trying hard to reassure): "nonsense that has nothing to do with it if you just apply yourself i am sure you can succeed"

pwBPD (now getting worked up because their feeling is not getting heard, possibly shouting):"Oh you think it so easy do you? What about when you did XYZ, that was all your fault, your the one who is useless, no wonder its so hard to get anything done around here all you ever think about is yourself you never listen to what i want"

By this stage validation is going to be a lot harder to implement.However if your nature is to validate after the first comment it would have cut all this out. eg ' It does drive you nuts when you can't seem to get things to work, I can see its really getting to you, is there anything i can do to help"

ie by getting in at the start they dont try to test your patience, you have answered their question before they asked it which is, "does this person care about me and understand how hard things are for me?"

Do you remember those math classes where you stared at a page of numbers and was completely clueless, didn't know where to start and was getting anxious you were falling behind the class, eventually you may have asked the teacher for help and they responded with 'just concentrate i am sure you can work it out if try hard enough and focus"... your response, inwardly seethed/panicked, felt like a loser and completely hated math class... That is an example of invalidation you heard "you are a loser who doesn't try hard enough"