Nearly 3 years in and at a loss

[CaringK]

Hello,

Brand new here.  I thought about last night what to do and decided to go to a discussion group to see if maybe there are thoughts I've not had...

Background: My partner and I have been together for 2 1/2 years.  I am a graduate student at a University and they are a few years younger than me.  They are not currently in school or working at a job but they are in the process of getting registered for online classes this spring. My partner is an extremely intelligent person and they sit somewhere on the autistic spectrum. They were given a diagnosis of BPD from a therapist when they were a teenager and did not like it.  No further counseling was had. My partner has had a long standing history of insomnia.  They have seen doctor after doctor about it but the doctors do not want to prescribe medication because they are considered so young for the intense sleep medications.  They spend most of their nights awake, tossing and turning. In the mornings I usually receive the same answer: "I slept like sh*t. I didn't get any sleep."

As of today, my partner has accepted that they do have BPD.  There is a desire to begin counseling but their anxiety surrounding money stops them from starting.  There is a concern that the insurance their mother has them on will only cover 75% of counseling sessions and that leaves a chunk of change for us.  

Anxiety has gradually increased as the months have gone on.  It is at a point of functionally impairing.  They spend nearly everyday inside the apartment.  They rarely come into stores with me.  They prefer to stay in the car if they do leave the apartment.  I make nearly every phone call that does not include phone calls to their mother.  I've had to pretend to be my partner on numerous occasions for calling.  I didn't mind too much at first, but I have my own anxieties surrounding phone calls and it has become a stressful event for me.

There is a persistent instability between my partner and I.  I love them very much and I care about them but I'm starting to feel like I am required to micro and macro-manage their life.  It makes me feel like a very bad partner.  I have to remind them to eat throughout the day and drink water.  My partner doesn't feel confident about cooking which in turn results in them not eating because they are anxious that their cooking will turn out terrible and then they won't eat it. I am fine with cooking, but I am gone from 8am to 3pm at an internship Monday-Friday and on the weekends I have a part-time job in which I am, again, gone for 7-9 hours.  I would prefer to not work so much but my partner is not at a point where they can feel safe and secure about getting a job. There is quite a bit of arguing between my partner and I.  I admittedly have difficulties managing anger.  Once we start an argument, I get triggered into the cycle of anger.  I have a therapist and I am currently working on managing this anger, but it is a slow process. We have "broken up" multiple times throughout the 2 1/2 years we've been together.  There hasn't been anything solidified.  It is an on-and-off again relationship.

I'm not expecting a cure.  I am not expecting instant results.  I just want some skills and strategies to help repair this relationship and help myself and my partner cope with the stress, anxiety and instability.  

I apologize if this post is too long. Thanks.

-CaringK

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello  .

Sounds like you have an incredible amount of patience and understanding.     This is good as you will need this in order to be with your partner.  

It sounds to me like your partner is having an extremely hard time with self-confidence and self-esteem.  What could you do to guide your partner in a direction where they might regain these, on their own?

[CaringK]

Thanks for the reply! I appreciate it greatly!

I've  had these areas on my mind quite a bit and I still trying to figure it out myself.  My partner does experience low self-esteem and low self-confidence.  They are fairly pre-occupied with their weight and concerned about not looking good in clothes.  I've asked my partner in the past "what is your favorite thing about yourself?" and they promptly replied with "Nothing.  I hate absolutely everything about myself. I wasn't meant to be born and I believe that to this day." It's heartbreaking. I compliment them as much as I can. I try to reassure them and comfort them but sometimes it becomes a "Just stop, okay? I know you mean well, but it's not helping. I don't like myself, I think I'm attractive, I'm fat and there's nothing to do about it. Just stop. I FEEL like this, so stop trying to convince me that I feel otherwise."

[C.Stein]

Perhaps with respect to the self-image problem you can come up with an activity you can do together that will help with the weight issues, if there are any, and that might help somewhat with the self-confidence?

[CaringK]

I think this may be a really good idea.  We've been wanting to go out for walks more so maybe I'll try to make it a daily thing for us! 

[C.Stein]

I think this may be a really good idea.  We've been wanting to go out for walks more so maybe I'll try to make it a daily thing for us! 

That sounds like a great idea.  You get some exercise and time together outside.  Sounds like a win-win situation. 

[CaringK]

Not a good day today.

Last night was a night of sickness. Food poisoning? Unsure.

Partner is angry with me today because I desperately needed to sleep to be up at 7am this morning.

I mentioned earlier that my partner has insomnia.  Couple the insomnia with paranoia and anxiety and it becomes the ultimate sleepless night.  For the 2 1/2 years I've been with my partner we have a routine.  We get into bed and they try to go sleep. The only way my partner is able to fall asleep most nights is if I stay awake until they have fallen asleep and then wait a little after they've fallen asleep to make sure they're asleep.  The insomnia creates a situation where it can take a  short amount of time to fall asleep, or hours to fall asleep. On average I get 5-6 hours of sleep. Some nights I only get 3 hours of sleep.

When my partner got sick it was 4 AM and, like I mentioned, I needed to be up at 7.  I fell asleep at some point and this morning I got the cold shoulder.

Now they are in an anxious spiral about financials and I am have a difficult time keeping the conversation from escalating.

Any thoughts?

[C.Stein]

I mentioned earlier that my partner has insomnia.  Couple the insomnia with paranoia and anxiety and it becomes the ultimate sleepless night.  For the 2 1/2 years I've been with my partner we have a routine.  We get into bed and they try to go sleep. The only way my partner is able to fall asleep most nights is if I stay awake until they have fallen asleep and then wait a little after they've fallen asleep to make sure they're asleep.  The insomnia creates a situation where it can take a  short amount of time to fall asleep, or hours to fall asleep. On average I get 5-6 hours of sleep. Some nights I only get 3 hours of sleep.

This is not good.  I don't get much sleep at night, maybe 3-4 hours, and it is tough functioning efficiently through the day without a nap. 

Is the insomnia your SO experiences something that happened during your relationship?  The reason I ask is maybe having separate beds might be beneficial to both parties?   That doesn't mean you can't share a bed but when sleep is needed you each have a bed where you can get that undisturbed.

An overactive mind will keep you awake, toss and turn, etc... .  One way to quite the mind is to ground yourself, meditation being one method.   Also mitigate or remove the sources that are causing the mind to race.  Getting that job your SO has been avoiding will help immensely in this respect. 

While it is difficult to not take on a parenting role at times with borderlines I would caution you taking on too much responsibility here as it will undermine your partners self-confidence.